Happy New Year Fatties!

May 2011 be on that is full of tubs of lard, endless gorging and significant weight gain (I'll be giving some advice on how to survive the january diet season in the next post).

May you develop your jealousy of those who are lyving the lyfe more effectively and feel green with envy more frequently

And may you intensive your overwhelming desires to have Orlando all to yourselves!

Happy new year fatties and may you enjoy this evening, wedged in your favourite chair in your specially adapted kitchen, all on your own, stuffing your face!

To pap or not to Pap

It seems to me that if you dont want the paparazzi around you - its probably not the best idea in the world to have them on one of your speeddial numbers on your "wifes" phone...

sadly it seems Orlando has missed that trick and had to resort to approach 2: having a strop and grabbing the camera off the unlucky pap.....

They seemed to have made up (OB and the Paps) later on though - as he was "caught" out on a cycling trip with a couple of friends courtesy of JJ

Who said damage control was history!

Goodbye 2010 (PM Style...)

I was feeling a bit of the post Christmas Blues so I thought I'd mosey on over to Panty Mantis Central to see if she had anything that would cheer me up...and she did - a special Farewell 2010 post! Lets have a look shall we?

Apart from being full of the normal PM rubbish... it ended up with a serious of... you've guessed it... positive affirmations. I thought it would be a good idea to translate them into Fat'n'Jellus...

May you take from 2010 whatever has served you. (ok PM, we'll take your offerings for 2010 - they've "served" us extremely well in the humour stakes)

May you leave in the past anything that has not served you or will not serve you in the future. (to be fair i'm less sure on this one - Im not a person who turns down a good laugh when it comes along)

May you find peace, acceptance and happiness in “being” you. (Totally down with this one - I'm peaceful, accepted and happy being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself)

May you find grace, joy and contentment and may you learn to love yourself so that you can love others fully. (is this a shoutout?)

May you be slow to anger or resent and free from guilt or shame. (ah No! THIS is the shoutout!!)

May you experience with each breath just how incredible you really are. (yes yes, I'm incredibly fat - got that one!)

May you love unconditionally. (as hard as I've tried in 2010 I doubt i'm going to get to a stage where I'm going to be loving the PM unconditionally in 2011)

May you let go of hatred or animosity towards others and instead offer compassion, understanding and acceptance. (two shoutouts in one offering from the PM... it must be christmas!)

May you experience the fullness of life, create your life daily and be who you came on this earth to be. (a brief reminder she lyving the lyfe, just in case we'd forgotten )

May you open your wings and fly……(if only you would PM... far far away.....)

Happy Christmas Fatties

Yes, I know this is a day or two late..... I'm sorry to admit that I fell off the wagon and momentarily gained a life that took me away from super adapted kitchen (with its computer) and out into the wide world!

(I'm rather ashamed actually - even the Panty Mantis, busy as she is "lyving the lyfe" with the little one (in her belly) managed to find a few occasions to communicate with random people on facebook close online friends to share her joy at having Poor Orlando (obviously restrained) and her family round her)

Panic not though, this blip was short lived, I'm not sequestered safely back through my widened doors and munching on some festive lard in a bid to undo the damage!

Just a short entry today really just to offer some words of encouragement to those fatties who have struggled through Christmas with family and friends that dont understand that while a diet of 4000 calories a day is the result of Christmas excess for the non fat n jellus, this is about half the amount of calories the truly committed fat'n 'jellus person would hope to consume per day right through the year..

don't worry , you may have had a blip in the last couple of days, but just add additional lard to absolutely everything (obviously on top of your all original lard gel allocation) and you'll soon make up the energy shortfall

Just take some inspiration from Father Christmas - after all he's one of the truly original fatties of the world (though whether he's jellus and wants Orlando all to himself, I couldnt say)

Hold the Press the Mantis said something intelligent!!!!

There! that caught your attention didnt it? - Obviously she hasnt that would be the equivalent of the earth becoming the sky but I thought it was an arresting headline :D

I couldnt decide whether to post the latest and even hotter picture of Orlando as "The Boss" or Orlando in the rain, unhappily caught yet again by those evil paparazzi looking like the model out of the timotei advert...

It probably doesnt matter which since Orlando is so much better at modelling than his "wife" that neither are exactly hard on the eye..

I have to say I've lost the will to live in relation to the Panty Mantis at the moment - i'm sure i'll manage to raise some interest once the little one (in her belly) comes along - she's bound to do something stupid ....

Cover Girl

I though you would all like to see the cover shot of me on the Lard information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" - dont I look pretty!!

A Hot Boss

Its not often you can say those two words in the same sentence... but when it comes to OB's Boss adverts you certainly can!and yet again Orlando shows how much better he is at modelling than his "wife"

A Truly international Treashureing!

Oh what an auspicious day! I thought the sight of Orlando looking hawt in his Hugo Boss advert would be the pinnacle of this weekend but I hadnt banked on the Panty Mantis..

Not content with the international success of Treashure Ureself and the fact that by some miracle unexplained to man Vogue decided to add it to their best sellers list (actually that is fairly easily explained - Vogue got the breaking news about Baby Bloom and I imagine their decision to add it to the best sellers list was part of the deal, but thats probably just my F and J mind).

We are, this morning, privy to information that the Panty Mantis has set about translating Treashure UReself into other languages, starting (of course) with Dingoese.

Panty Mantis, firstly may I offer my services for this happy task? I am actually pretty fluent in Dingoese and also fairly competent in French and German. My Russian is very basic but I'm sure if you ask Orlando he should have some Russian contacts that can assist you with that.

OF course, as Treashure Ureself's chief competitor Pleasure Ureself will also shortly be being released in 9 different languages. We too are on the best sellers list of the Lard Information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" (in fact I'm going to be doing a cover shoot - but more on that anon) and I think I would be depriving the world of one of its brightest ornaments if I didnt make it more universally accessible....

Has Anyone seen my Dress?

Oh Dear oh dear.... the poor panty mantis, my heart goes out to her - still no sign of her lost luggage or her dress she had flown in for her "surprise wedding" - shame on you American Airlines! Must you really have a form completed with meaningless details before you start looking? Don't you know you are dealing with?

Look, she's really upset:

(From her FB) Thank you so much hon, I will definitely contact them. No sign of my bag or dress, but nevermind, let's hope it will turn up xxx Miranda

I hope she appreciates my help on this enough to help me with another small query I have..... this is also an extract from her FB (courteously provided by the girls at Delphi)

" Honey, did you mean the baby was actually having his hair coloured at a salon or something?
you what now? a baby having its hair coloured at a hair salon? I'm highly confused.com

I would never colour my hair while pregnant good good and if I do colour my hair I try to ensure it is as natural and as healthy as possible
hang on so you dont do and if you do it its completely (and unsurprisingly) natural - my head hurts! lots of love Miranda xxx

Can't be a**ed

I was going to follow on from Orlando's Christmas joke to us all with an update on what the Panty Mantis has been polluting the atmosphere with recently on her blog....

I could of picked out the fact she's now posted up a link to her "homemade" granola topped with Goat..... or the fact that her product range has finally got its Eco-Cert months after she first said it had...... or that one of her team has some fabulous advice about how fathers change when their other halves get pregnant (In case you are wondering , strangely ORlando does not seem to be fitting into this profile very well...)

but actually, I cant be bothered to summon enough enthusiasm to do it today...

instead I'm going to settle in under my Duvet, in my specially adapted kitchen and consume ten tubs of lard....

At least Orlando knows how to get a reaction!

Dear Orlando,

I know that you and I havent always seen eye to eye on some of your choices in life - If I'm honest I would have much preferred that had done An Education, I can't help feeling that that was the start of your decent into "the wife from hell" scenario that you now find yourself in.

The whole subject of your choice of pap mate is one that causes me great pain both visually and orally. She is akin to a embodied and visual version of the bubonic plague of our times.

The thing that gets me the most though on this occasion, and its neither your career or your "private" life, is your choice of clothing:

Dressed up - generally no problem, in fact I'd go as far to as to say that you can look extremely debonair when you try
Hanging out in shops - slightly too much green t-shirt, but we've been there and we've got through that crisis

Why oh why then have you decided to do THIS to me....



What are those things covering your upper leg - do they even sell them on planet earth?

I've got no problem with your skinny guy legs but those shorts are hurting my eyes more than the sight of your wife idiotically grinning and trying to form comprehensible sentences. I seem to not even be able to register that you took a slash at the side of the road and the photos of that are now circulating the globe...

nothing you have ever done in your entire life offends me more than those shorts....

Ive nothing more to say to you right now, i hope you will reflect on what you've done

Yours, in horror
Slap

Just when you thought I'd forgotten!

I happened on the Whora Blog again and guess what i found? The antithesis of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus advice on building yourself up to ensure you are a true fatty....

Having read through the offering here - I think we can turn this advice back round to something useful though, after all they seem to feel little need to reinvent the wheel and I am off the same mind:

Do you find yourself saying that you will only like yourself when you reach that perfect weight? Studies show that you need plenty of confidence in yourself in order to successfully gain weight. This is because you need to trust that you’ll stick with an eating and exercise plan; without this belief you’ll end up saying, “What’s the use?” and give up. Unless you like yourself, it’s impossible to have any trust, faith, or confidence in yourself.

You see, that was easy, I only needed to change one word to make that work for the community of fat'n'jellus people.... As you guessed, there are also some positive affirmations to help you on your way - so I thought I'd give you my "take" on them

I feel good about who I am
i have put a hell of a lot of effort into being fat'n'jellus and am proud of my success
I am a lovable person, and others are attracted to me
I am fabulously fat and know of many places where the people only like you if you are enormous
I achieve success in whatever I do
my ever-growing bulk is confirmation of how successful I am being
I deserve happiness
I deserve that extra tub of lard
I have the right to change my life to suit my personal needs
I am all wise and all knowing and excellent at consuming lard
I choose to make myself happy
I choose to make myself fat and as jellus as possible
Today, I’m taking steps towards a happier life
Today, I'm taking steps towards a fat and jellus life
I love myself
I love being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself

there you go guys, I hope you found that helpful
xxx

Its snowing thick and fast

I think its lovely how the Panty Mantis has chosen to get into season spirit by "snowing" us with paparazzi shots! She may look like a grinning nincompoop in all of them but thats a small sacrifice one has to pay for the pleasure of being innundated with photographs of her lyvinge the lyfe...

To be honest they all look the same to me - same idiotic grin, same geographical position in relation to Orlando, same outfit on the pair of them...

More interestingly there a Video has surfaced of OB on the set of the 3 Musketeers..... apparently that Hairdo is a Pompadour hairdo?!?!?!?

Well, what ever that is I'm taking it that that means Biiiiig Hair - to be honest I'd call it more of an afro ..... but what would I know!

(video is here btw - he looks like he's having fun!)

Not Again!

Seriously... exactly how many shots do we need in one week of one or both of our "happy" couple out and about? In this instalment Orlando is back (and brandishing that Green T-shirt again) stopping those evul paparazzi from snapping the Mantis' little one (in her belly)

To be honest both of them need to practice some new moves. Orlando's sole reaction to paparazzi at the moment seems to be putting his hand over her ginormous belly and trying to look protective.... mind you, it must be hard to come up with a different reaction when you are doing a new shoot pretty much every day and you have to take into account the material he's working with!

Lets be honest! Her modus operandi in front of those evul paparazzi hasnt changed for years - that happy idiotic grin when she seems them (where you can almost hear her voice going "yeeeewheeeew paparazzie eye'm hear againe" ) is firmly in place whether or not she has a little one (in her belly)

Actually I'm probably being unecessarily hard on them both - maybe she just has the worst case of Wind known to man and Orlando keeps on touching her stomach in a vain attempt to get her to release her gas before she gets into the car and asphyxiates him...

Yes that must be it! and it would explain why poor OB seems to do the same move whenever they are out doing together at the moment...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Poor sod!

(oh and OB I've started up my green shirt tracker again - lets not go back to what happened last time that one was out and about ...)

It really is a Pappy Christmas

Though thankfully the latest round of set ups only has Orlando in them and not our preggers Mantis... i imagine Orlando's ability to perform stunts would be seriously compromised with that on the back of his bike!

The mean buggers at X17 wont let me post the pictures so the link is here and the pretty is by way of an alternative

Excitingly (and also as R pointed out probably the reason for the profusion of paparazzi photos in the last few days) Orlando is also rumored to be reprising his Leggy Role

i dont think I'm quite in a minority of one on this one (though the reception has not been universally overwhelming) but for me its a big case of woooooohooooooooo!

(I was far more focused on Viggo in the first three, I'm hoping I can refocus for this one :D)

What REALLY happened at the Staples Centre

PANTY MANTIS: coooeeeee! eyem hear freindz, doynt eye looke lovelee! Eye'm notte sure whate Orlandoe is laffinge aboute butte nevah minde, for once he lookes lyke hes havinge fun while eye'm arounde

ORLANDO:Oh God Baste, I think I'm finally loosing it - how much longer do I have to be in the same airspace as her. Look! My brains so shot to shit that I can't do my jacket up and I keep bursting out with bouts of uncontrollable hysteria!

SEBASTIAN: Dude! Pull yourself together. If you're going to have a breakdown the Staples Centre Car Park is not the place for it. If its got to the stage where you cant even get your jumper done up we really do have a problem.... (thinks: Oh god, my poor poor cousin, I need to get him some help and fast)

OTHER GUYS: OK so Orlando Bloom is laughing, do you think its now that his 'wife's' going to get her titties out?

Finally! Proof...

... proof that the panty mantis has done something nasty to Orlando's man globes, Just look at the way he's sitting on his bike with his yoga mat and tell me a guy could do that with his bollocks intact and in the correct position on his physique?

In more work related news rumour has it that the Good Doctor isn't listed at Sundance this year. Thats a shame..... thats one of the last times in recent living memory that I recall OB looking relaxed and happy. I wonder if this one will make the light of day - its another OB Film that I liked the sound of....

Pappy Christmas Everyone

After weeks of successful hiding out safely away from those pesky paparazzi - our happy couple have sadly had their privacy invaded yet again by those evul paps..

Luckily the paparazzi haven't yet managed to excercise their dastardly plan to photograph Orlando and the Panty Mantis away from their standard scenarios of either sitting at a cafe or involving Orlando's motorbike. God forbid they get caught out in a different scenario, I think we'd all die of shock!

with the imminent arrival of the "chosen one", I bet it will be a Pappy Christmas for Dr and Mrs Panty mantis....

Still one can hold on the vain hope that Orlando will get his balls back in his Christmas Stocking along with the Mantis' Little one (in her belly)

Book the Mantis!

I knew Live in my skin was good but I didnt realise that that it was going to give the means to book our panty mantis for various parties and product launches for future products from the ensurient corpulence range..

apparently its really really easy! All you have to do is click here

They even have a full biography to give YOU ideas on how you can use the Panty Mantis at your corporate event too - lets take a look shall we?

One of the leading celebrity booking agencies and celebrity marketing agencies in the country, CelebrityTalentPromotions provides information about the Panty Mantis' accomplishments (by this I imagine they mean getting nekkid?), achievements (????), corporate appearances (ah yes with you again: her many pap shots with designer clothing and handbag), endorsements deals and booking fees.

We assist corporations in finding the Panty Mantis' agent and business manager, contacting the Panty Mantis' management company, assistant, PR Firm and publicist, booking Panty Mantis speaker appearances (what exactly is she going to speak about? elementary dingoese? the hard life of being a model? her white ball of light?), personal appearances, view past Panty Mantis speaking engagements (you see, even they are impressed she can string a sentence together, all be it in dingoese), hiring the Panty Mantis for endorsements, book the Panty Mantis for autograph signings (I just knew those "fans" didnt turn up of their own accord), and hire the Panty Mantis for speaking engagements.

We are a celebrity booking agency that also hires the Panty Mantis for corporate event appearances, as a keynote presenter for speaking engagements (bahaahaahahaaha), celebrity golf tournaments (tarts and Vicar parties, fantasy smurf get togethers), being a special guest host (Oh yes she's specul alright!), tradeshows, conventions (hoorah, she can next fat 'n' Jellus convention), store grand openings, event hosting, licensing deals, product endorsements, print advertising and television commercials. Our booking agents specialize in finding the fees, price and costs to hire the Panty Mantis for your next event

I wonder how much it costs to get her to be the "face" of our "All Original Lard Gel"?

True luuuuuurve!

Oh No! those evul paps have "caught" our happy couple trying to have a private lunch together..... arent they just the pikture of true luuuuuuurve. Orlando looks positively ecstatic!

and just for any caveys that might be lurking.... yes yes, fat... jellus..... orlandoe to ourselves - but here is a lovely shot of us all at our last get together, just for you!

Rocking it?

I'm afraid there are no prizes for guessing why yesterday was a great day for having a pap set up..... with the VS show on air this week it stands to reason that our Mantis needs to do something to maintain focus on the new arrival..

Our poor hounded couple were unluckily "caught out" by those evul paparazzi coming out of a rock concert in LA. It seems that in addition to getting a rounded belly to show off in that see-thru travel dress/top she is also getting some of the other side effects of pregnancy...



PM: Orlandoe eye thinke eye neede to brake wynde, canne yew slowe downe a bitte?
OB: What did you say? (oh f**k i know that expression - pap guys, you might want to run for cover)



OB: Ok guys run for your lives! I have a protective nasal salve so I'll hold her here while you escape.
PM: Orlandoe! Whatte the fucke du yew thinke yew ahr doinge, yew arh sendinge awaye mye friendzs befour theye have hadde a chanse to tayke mye pickture!



OB: I'll tell you something for nothing - this salve is not all its cracked up to be!

Where to start!

whenever I start of a post and realise there is just too much material its normally relating to the Panty Mantis. She seems to have projectile explosions of "Me Me Me" at regular intervals (and normally timed with some event or other she wishes to distract people from). Today is no exception!

So, where to start..

Well, for one she's started writing poetry - I was going to do a spoof of this but I just couldnt bring myself to lavish the time on it, so instead you can enjoy it in all its unadulterated glory here!. I suppose its impressive she got someone to translate it out of her native tongue!


Then, as W kindly pointed out, there seems to be a slight discrepancy on the popularity of Treashure Ureself. Earlier this week Oz Vogue reported it as being in their top 10 list of bestsellers. I thought that was slightly strange at the time given there are only meant to be 2000 copies, and it appears that amazon agrees with me. They have it ranked 1,914,100 AND its been tagged under Urban Fiction.

As if that wasnt enough the Mantis is back and resident on her facebook "sharing" away - I'm sorry PM, as funny as your comments are on there (and I am impressed that you can type with your bump too) Live in my Skin is funnier...

The PM writes again...

I was wondering why she'd been so quiet - I presumed she was cooking up some publicity stunt to time with the VS christmas show but it seems she still found time to communicate with the jellus ones....


Deare lusinder
eye amme notte impressede at alle withe yur booke, eye ordereded a copie in the ende tew see whate itte whatte the fusse was alle aboute and eye thinke its disgustinge .

Whye yew are alle so proude offe beinge fatte ande jellus cowz is beyonde mee. Do yew thinke that Orlandoe lykes fatties orre somthinge - yew are wronge! pluse mye booke is nowe on the beste sellars liste withe vogue - eye tolde theme eye wouldnte lette them have anyee more nekkid piktures offe me iffe they didnte haw haw haw...

Aktually eye wante to aske youre advice thoughe on orlandoe he's beinge a bitte stragne. Eye "loste" mye clothes againe inne the name of arte thinkinge thayte he woulde fancie a bitte of seksy tyme ande he started cryinge - eye couldnte make outte what he waz sayinge bute itte sounded lyke "pleese kille me nowe, eye kante tayke aneemore".

odde righte? eye knowe he lykes nekkid wimin because he keepes onne goinge to strip clubbes withe his friendz butte when eye do itte he lookes sui..... sui...... (fuk itte) lyke hed rather bee deade.... eye evene didde thate seksy danse eye dide duringe the shoote for hym butte thayt juste made himme crye even moree.

Whate do yew thinke - I knowe yew havve no lyfe so youe will have plentie offe tyme to thinke of whats wronge...

and destroye youre boooke nowe - eye donte lyke thinges withe lottes of wordzs...

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 8: Post Thanksgiving Advice

Although Thanksgiving is not something we brits do, As we have a large american readership here on TSO, I thought I'd give some critical advice for you now the day of feasting has passed.

In fact this advice is useful after any bout of excess..

Overeaten over Thanksgiving? More stuffed than the turkey? Inunndated with LBD diets and advice on how to juice everything in sight? Put the magazines down - remember you are fat n jellus and the word "Diet" does not apply to you!

In fact if you are on the Pleasure Ureself plan is that on a feast day you probably havent eaten enough. Its a bit like being at a restaurant, you feel slightly worried about pulling out the maxi pack of All original Lard gel out of your maxi bag to add to your repast and so you miss out on some vital calories.

The trick is not to panic - there are many options available to the cunning fat'n'jellus person. Perhaps you could pop to the loo to consume a couple of tubs in private - providing you dont take too long, no-one will be any the wiser. Or you could pretend you left something in the car and stuff a tub or two down in the carpark. There are numerous options in any situation that will keep your fat n jellus technique a holy mystery and keep the weight piling on."

Sound advice that I hope you will find practical over the festive season!

The Phan Police

I think you'd have to be pretty blind or pretty stupid not to have notice that the arena of support for Orlando (or not as you like) is a pretty polarised place.

One the one hand you have the fat and Jellus (like me) who obviously have sad little lives which are spent eating, being jellus of the Panty Mantis and wanting Orlando all to myself and then you get those who feel that true love has never had a defnition like it does now and the little one (in her belly) is akin to the second coming. There is a shady third category of evil Bytch who doesnt actually care one way or the other but is so severely entertained by the phuckery thats been coming they cant leave it alone.

Generally this polarisation maintains its rightful place within the community but one group obviously does not seem to have gotten the message that we should be keeping our shame to ourselves..

When Heckler Spray did this post ratting on Orlando, I doubt they were planning on some of the comments that showed up (and they sound remarkably familiar to me)

"You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.”

It seems Heckler Spray were more than a little taken aback too so they did a follow up here

It seems that the cause of the Fat n Jellus is spreading outside of the Phanbase. Don't worry Heckler Spray - the rainbow and flowers brigade may not appreciate your wit but you will always be welcome in the ranks of the fat n jellus - even if your comments about Orlando were a little harsh

oh and your Tubbie and copy of Pleasure ureself is in the post!

We Three Kings

I know I've said this before but its all gone a bit quiet on the Orlando front again - perhaps, like the holy family in Bethlehem 2000 years ago, they are at this very moment preparing for a long journey - after all, the Mantis seems to be treating the birth of the little one (in her bellie) like the second coming....

I just hope Viggo is one of the three kings... where was I? Oh yes, this mornings post !

Actually I don't have much more to add other than I hope you like the pretty sighs!

Live in my Skin .... again

I have to hand it to the author(s) of this blog - this is one of the funniest parodies I've seen yet of our Panty Mantis - not only the posts but the characterization of the posters....

L.I.M.S - I take my hat off to you - and may I say that there probably is someone somewhere at this very moment constructing a fan page for Orlando's bodily fluids....... but its probably polite not to guess who!

A touch of Spelt...

I think by now we all appreciate the business head the Panty Mantis has on her. Whether or not you appreciate tru luuurve when you see it, there is no denying that the Mantis has made some smart personal business decisions along the way:

The decision to drop a Certain Oz Publicists brother in favour of Orlando cant be described as anything other than sound commercial sense by a fat n jellus person such as myself.

The decision to use Orlando as the biggest publicity vehicle since Lady Godiva rode into the arena claiming she had simply nothing to wear can only be thought of as good business sense.

The decision to Trap have a little one (in her belly) and encourage the matrimonial processes along could almost be described as machiavelian.

So the whole Kora / Treashure ureself thing is perhaps slightly lower than the usual high standards one has come to expect of Team Mantis but her decision to go start up a line of products that both tick the organic box whilst contributing to the fat n jellus fraternity is pure business gold.

(Thanks to W for linking me up!)

Live in my skin

Thanks to Bella we have a new and crowned queen of the Tubbies. This is pure quality - congratulations anomers you have won

*drum roll*

The Best Overall Snarktastic Contender Tubby for 2010

Allow me to recommend LIve in my skin :

and share a few choice extracts with you

On daily routine:

Hey guys! People were asking me about what I eat to keep this wonderful figure so I thought Id post up my daily diet for you guys as well as my daily routine so you guys can live like me – live in my skin. Enjoy.

Wake up at 4.30am. Check social networking sites. Brush teeth. Lick mirror (10 calories). Recite 10 affirmations to myself. No shower as the water makes you weigh more. Brush hair. Kiss Frankie. Consume flea (5 calories). Weigh self. Prepare breakfast.

and this

Shout at Orlando (-200 cals). Check social networking sites. Buff/paint nails. Nap. Weight self. Prepare dinner.

Replying to her guests:

Thanks for asking Ghandi hon. The little one is doing amazing. Kicking and moving, my back is killing me but I guess it doesnt help sticking my arse out all the time. Love Therese xxx

Congratulations Live in my Skin - we at TSO salute you!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 7: Overstepping the mark

By now you must all be making excellent progress towards your goals of being completely Fat n Jellus. The long hours of munching away and looking at pre-mantis photos of Orlando are starting to pay off, but how do you know when you have reached your goal weight and need to move to a maintenance diet?

I would be being an irresponsible author if I didnt say that whilst being incredibly fat and jellus is obviously the goal, there are levels you could take it to which would start to endanger your health.

Generally speaking, if you have to ring your local authorities to airlift you out of the house every time you want to go out, you've probably gone just that bit too far. Other warning signs are when you fingers get to fat to type even on your specially adapted fatty keyboard - this is not only a health warning but practically difficult: How are you going to contribute to the worldwide fat n jellus community if you are no longer able to use even an adapted computer?

Luckily the remedy is pretty easy - I would recommend a day or two of the Delphi Diet. (for those not in the know this involves looking at and hearing the Panty Mantis in action, a few moments of her jiggling her bits around is usually enough to cause projectile vomiting, if that doesnt work, try turning the sound up and listening to her voice too)

WARNING: DO NOT USE THE DELPHI DIET FOR MORE THAN A DAY IN ANY THREE MONTH PERIOD, EVIDENCE SUGGESTS IT ALSO DOES PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE BRAIN

Whose the Nobb?

Apparently its not Orlando (or is depending on how you read it).

Rumours (from that gospel of truth Twitter) have surfaced that Orlando has pulled out of the production and has been replaced by a remarkably similar looking actor by the name of Aaron Johnson. Whats even more of a shame is the lack of surprise this has caused, i think most people still interested have become surprised more when a movie is completed than the other way round!

I hope this isn't true, but given previous form and the tight grip the Panty Mantis has on his balls at the moment it wouldn't surprise me.

Obviously having your balls in the clutches of an expectant mantis is a full time occupation after all...

Commiserations to the Panty Mantis

Dear Panty Mantis,

Can i offer you my condolences, I know you have Orlando all to yourself but still, it must be hard when news breaks globally about the marriage of someone you had once had on your "lyste offe riche menne thayte eye canne targette".

I imagine there is the pain of an opportunity missed; the knowledge that that opportunity has effortlessly circulated round the globe and the realisation that unlike yours, the husband looks overjoyed in the interview he gave, the wedding will be large and well attended by both families and the wedding dress is highly unlikely to be lost by American Airlines...

Dont worry panty mantis, one off the list doesnt mean there arent others out there for when Orlando finally free's his bollocks from your grasping clutches... If you'd like some help in identifying someone new from the list, please let me know...

and I'm sure you will join me in offering hearty congratulations to Wills and Kate!

Slapparr x

PS I know I'm fat n jellus but that doesnt preclude me from being excited about a royal wedding, in case you were wondering

The expression of overwhelming joy?

I wasn't going to post anything today - i'm in the process of preparing a little spelt special for you all...

But I couldnt resist the above. The exact moment at which Orlando is faced with nekkid picture of his "wife". Doesnt he look ecstatic? Isn't he expressing the joy and pride he articulates a few seconds later....

Or is the look closer to that of a french aristocrat two seconds before the guillotine strikes..

The whole sequence is quite special in fact... you can see it here but I should warn you, there is copious exposure of the pregnant mantis in her natural state ..... nekkid!


Your call ladies and gentlemen!

A Bronze Mantis

It was only a matter of time before our panty mantis pea sized brain cottoned on to the benefits of having a bronze of her bump done, lets face it - lots of actual celebrities have done it before; a bit like reinventing the wheel, but a bronze bump......

Think of the advantages:

1) She could get her photo on it on the front of not only celeb magazines (by mentioning Orlando obviously) but she could also get it on the cover of Sculpture Magazine and other similar publications as a work of art.

2) She could use it to carry round the vat load of Noni juice she must be drinking by now to keep herself going.

3) She could carry round her own personal supply of spelt wherever she goes.

4) She could use it to keep hold of Orlando's balls - its probably a bit better at keeping them undamaged than their current resting place of her handbag.

5) When the mini mantis is born she doesnt have to shell out on a crib - she can wack some Kora wrapping in to her bronze bump and make it a bed in there.

6) Finally and most importantly - there is a small chance that Orlando might show some genuine interest in a sculpture of the baby (in her belly) - after all he's always said its something he loves!

Bytch Please!

"I might about to get my balls put back in your blender, and I KNOW I'm about to be in-lawed to the max, but in this space and this time .. I'm still my own man, goddam it! ... at least until I get in the car, anyway!""

Tub o Lard Awards

Thanks for all your suggestions for Tubbies so far - I've been dishing out awards or runners up medals as they come in.

But today as very special award is given to the Mantis' granny. Although perhaps not the most obvious choice for a coveted Tubbie some of her lines in the recent interview the Mantis did makes her highly deserving in my opinion! Not least for her real reaction to the Panty Mantis' nicker modelling gig

Congratulations Granny Mantis! Today the Tubbie goes to you!

I burned my eye sockets out a little further this morning to watch a bit more of this - actually what a fantastic interview - between granny and the interview there really are some priceless moments in there. I particularly enjoyed the opening lines when the interviewer obviously doesnt give our mantis enough praise so she doles some out to herself, and of course anything granny said ....

End of Intermission

Sadly our few days of news where Orlando was more prevalent than his Mantis seem to be over. This morning I have been deluged with what seems like an entire dung heap of Mantis Drivel.

We can start with Orlando and his words of joy / suicidal expresssioned interview.... I have to hand it to the Bambi interviewer - they spent an awful lot of time flashing the mantis boobies but it was that classic moment when the asked Orlando how he felt about it all and he came out with some stock answer and looked completely embarrassed - poor sod! Not for the first time recently I really felt for him.. Still he looked a lot happier attending his cousins screening of his new enviro flick (above)! Enjoy it while you can OB, we all heard the enthusiasm in your voice when you were describing Christmas with your inlaws .....

But enough of that, let us move on to the Mantis appearance on an Oz TV show. The thing that tickled me in the small part I could actually stomach watching was that obviously the interviewer wasn't quite appreciating the Mantis' success enough for her, to the extent that her second or third response effectively involved telling him how well she'd done. Sadly that was the highlight, it started on a low point and went downhill from there in my opinion, but thats probably because i am one of the fat and jellus..

Then of course we have the written media coverage of our favourite Earth mother. I don't know about you but i was very glad to hear that she will be "present" for the birth ( it could get a bit messy if she wasn't there), some fabulous advice about lifestyle and the immortal lines that unlike us fat n jellus cowz she doesnt come home after a stressful day and reach for the Châteauneuf-du-Pape 2007 and the TV remote. Instead she (and apparently poor old OB too) get to meditate and do power yoga... no wonder Orlando is looking a tad rough round the edges, I just hope he gets plenty of slobbing in when he's away from home...

Isn't it interesting how she reveals all about her pregnancy right when the VS shows are in the press... i'm sure thats just a coincidence though, after all, we ALL know how private she is.....

Orlando goes green (again)

When I woke up this morning to find yet more news of Orlando I couldnt quite believe my eyes - We go for months with the net being saturated with pictures of his "wife" demonstrating how much she HATES getting nekkid, enlisting her FB supporters to assist her and inflicting her view of Treashureing ureself on an unsuspecting public and then suddenly Orlando springs back into action to save our eyes and our brains.

Perhaps he feels we all need a bit of a helping hand in the wanting Orlando all to ourselves category? (If so we probably better not point out to him that most people on here find past 2007 a bit of a challenge)

Anyway, on to the news of the day! Having done a quick switch to Barcelona and collected his Bambi he was photographed yesterday with Sebastian at the Cinema for Peace Green Evening in Berlin. To me they both look good (though I have to say the pair of them are looking a lot more alike than once they did) - the only slight question I have is why OB signed his signature off with 2011 underneath it, last time I checked we were still in 2010..... maybe he thinks if he jumps on a year somehow his pet mantis and her ball klamper will magically dissappear

In other more exciting news C came up with a new short name for the Tub o Lard awards which I think is more media friendly (thanks) So from now on the Tub o Lard awards will be called The Tubbies! Remember, if you come across a deserving candidate for a Tubbie, just let me know!

And the next TOL award goes to......

*Drum Roll....*

Flyer talk

for their suitable snarktastic account of (you've guessed it) the Panty Mantis' missing wedding dress. I wonder if the hullabaloo over this dress is down to peoples strong feeling that if she had it back she might be more tempted to wear clothes more generally...

And congratulations to the commenters on Flyer Talk too - I am quite happy to send out our fabulous Runner up medals to the relevant posters...

The "Tub o Lard" Award

I have truly exciting news for you today. With awards season starting up I decided to institute a brand new TSO award for people outside of the inner circle of fat jellus haterdom who show particular talent through words, writing and any other media to hand for demonstrating a fat n jellus tendency..

Without further ado the first and highly coverted TSO "Tub o lard" or TOL award goes to..

*drum roll*

Windsorstar.com for their illuminating take on the lost wedding dress:

"Days like this make you glad you're not in public relations for American Airlines: Celebrity model Miranda Kerr is upset because, she says, American lost her luggage, including the antique dress in which she got married to Orlando Bloom last July. Did I mention that she's pregnant? Now Miranda has asked her 369,000 Facebook followers for advice: "Has anyone else experienced losing luggage through American Airlines and if so did you ever late it again? Any help would be greatly appreciated." I imagine "late it" is supposed to be "recover it." The poor pregnant darling is obviously too upset to be coherent. AA's response so far: they asked her to fill in a form. She's 27.


Congratulations Windsorstar - Your award is in the mail to you

If you feel there are any other worthy candidates for this prestigious award, please do feel free to get in touch!

Bambi

no, I'm not talking about Orlando's eyes..... I'm talking about an award he flew in to get in Germany. He's looking pretty good here and its nice to see him with an award in his hot little hands, reminds me of the golden years!

I havent seen his acceptance speech but judging by the gesticulations and expressions he was making, I'm assuming he was illuminating the gathered press and public with his thoughts on his wife's ability to get nekkid:


"Of course my wife showing her boobies and bump to the world at large could be seen to be rather far removed from our wish to become private, but she is a very private person"


"In fact i find avoidance and drinking copious amounts of alcohol about the only way of coping with her private ways.... (shit did i say that out loud)"


Poor guy..... but at least he seems to be enjoying himself whilst his wife is lying in so to speak and I understand she's quite happy too - spending inordinate amounts of time of Facebook trying to create a stir about nothing

Boss Man Bloom

Hoorah, I can actually start this post of with something Orlando related - He's starting to crank up a gear in preparation for his role Pimping Hugo Boss Orange!

As I've said before I do like his modelling and I'm looking forward to seeing another big campaign with him in, but I hope the above photo isnt going to be the style of the ads... To me it makes him look camper than Christmas at Butlins and I'm not sure that look is going to sell MAN's fragrance to MEN! Still at least when OB says he has a high profile campaign thats what you get - unlike others I could mention

Talking of whom, our Panty Mantis seems to have gone into overdrive.... you remember that dress thats been AWOL for 4 months, you know - the one that she went on facebook to enlist the help of the masses in locating.... the one that she didnt actually use any official chanels to locate at all.... Well I have to hand it to her! She's great at using any situation to her advantage - apparently the designer will replace her dress for her at no cost - way to go Panty Mantis!

Still at least we know why all this has suddenly kicked off now - VS have just finished shooting their latest show - the PM has obviously thought if she can get some nekkid photos out there of her she'll be contributing in spirit if nothing else...

Home alone Mantis

With Orlando looking rather bemused and super svelte in Barcelona, (above from here) the Mantis has been left to her own devices again... Believe me, that is NEVER a good thing. Long experience of being a fat and jellus cow has taught me that left to her own devices, and without Orlando's sobering influence on her scheming, she's likely to come up with not so cunning plans rather swiftly..


Where to start?

Well for one her latest nekkid shoot was apparently in shot in Paris when she was there stomping down the catwalk like an underdressed turtle for Balenciaga - the problem I have with it is that the bump seems to be a completely different size. Maybe seeing as how she's so stunninge she has the equivalent of a dimmer switch attached to make it grow or shrink at her convenience?

Rumours seem to have resurfaced of Wedding mark II in australia - I REALLY hope this one is for real, I have lots of advice to offer and I still have the original wedding team ready to go

The final titbit out there this morning has made me laugh the most. I think we all know about the challenges the Mantis faces in stringing a sentence together well it seems she is unable to count too. The baby (in her bellie) is apparently going to gestate for anything between 7 and 12 months (depending on what you believe)... If its the latter at least it explains why she took so long to look preggers in the beginning....

I Knew It!

I knew that the Panty Mantis hated getting nekkid: When I read all that hurt and upset over nekkid photos of her when she was younger (you know, those ones that she sold the rights to but didnt or something like that ) I thought poor exploited girl...

Then of course there was her getting nekkid for a good cause with her koalas and her chains - that doesnt count of course its being nekkid in good spirit

And that evul perve Richardson who shot nekkid shots that also so upset her - I though poor poor taken advantage of Panty mantis..

So I wonder what possible explanation I can come up with to explain away the latest bout of nekkidness (if you are a braver person than I you can view it here

You see, she obviously HATES being Nekkid.... unless its because she wants to get famous, is supporting a good cause, is part of a pirelli shoot or is out to prove that she's the moste stunnigne and gawguss supamodell in teh worle evah (Copyrite: Joders)

Orlando must be so proud.....

(yes i know: Fat... Jellus..... O to myself AND unable to appreciate pure nekkid beauty when i see it :D)

Has anyone see my dress?

Perhaps not the most groundbreaking of cries from the Panty Mantis; after all she seems to have difficulty locating her clothes every time a camera is pointed in her direction so in one sense it stands to reason that she was going to loose her entire outfit at some point! But this is a serious issue..

I'm very sorry to report that the Panty Mantis has had her luggage stolen and not just any luggage, the luggage with her dress that she trapped married OB in...... so (sadly) she wont be able to wear it when she celebrates with all her friends in australia that they got married. (psst Joders, Wanda, Mayor of Gunnedah - I think we could be back on with the wedding again... I'll keep you posted...)

Even better, she is also asking for "brutally honest feedback" on Treashure ureself so I thought, being the lovely fatty I am, that I'd help out. From her facebook:

"I love the posts from people who have been reading my book. I want you to be brutally honest with me in your reviews, that way I can ensure when I write the next one that I understand what you want.

OK PM I can be brutally honest seeing as you asked:

You're WRITING the next one?????? well thats progress if ever I saw it!

There are rumours through that gospel of truth twitter that OB is back in the UK - lets hope so - what with the threat of having to repeat the most traumatic day of his life with his inlaws and the breaking news that his "wife" is still labouring under the illusion that she can string a sentence together, he probably needs somewhere to hide out right now!

More from the Panty Mantis

Sadly this time no personal communication - I Dunno ...perhaps she's grown less fond of me recently or perhaps she's starting to realise that Pleasure Ureself is a viable competitor to her offering...

Happily though she's still giving us snippets from her mastepiece to consider (and thanks to R for linking this one up!)

"Whenever I am feeling tired or maybe a little sorry for myself I make a mental note of all the things I have to be grateful for.

Blimey - I think hell has frozen over - is she actually saying her life is not all rainbows and Blooms

Gratitude helps me when I am on a swimwear shoot and it’s snowing; or when I’m getting up at 4am for work.

Ah no - phew - its just the "hard" life of a model thats getting her down - she's missed getting the glitter in her toes out of that list

I remind myself that everything I do is moving me towards my goals. Being grateful gives me an immediate boost of energy and brings me back to the moment……

I thought she'd already achieved her lifes ambition..... Poor Orlando - all that only to find she's got more to achieve...

Simply being grateful can change your whole perspective on life. If ever I am having a bad day or if things aren’t going quite to plan and I feel like giving up on my dreams, I take a step outside my world and then I get to see just how lucky I am.

yes yes we know we're all so jellus of your fabulous life PM

I encourage you to do that. Next time you are feeling down, take a trip to the mall, a homeless shelter or a children’s hospital and take a look around.

Interesting advice from someone that seems to only take advantage of this type of lesson in life when a camera is trained on her and her PR Machine is waiting to swing into action in the wings...

When we take time to acknowledge everything around us, we get to appreciate just how lucky we really are….

Here is an affirmation from Louise Hay, say this to yourself morning and night:

“I am grateful for each day”.

Well that's original..... I wonder what her take is

Here is my take on this affirmation:

“I am grateful for who I am and who I am not.
oh man, I'm really having to sit on my fingers not to type a real translation of that one

I am grateful for the life I have been given and for all that I have and all that I don’t have.


Ok I can't contain myself: So she's grateful that she has Orlando all to herself and that she's not fat n jellus like us - we get the message PM....


Every breath I take is a blessing and an opportunity to fully experience the sheer joy of being alive.”

If only I felt the same way panty mantis - there would be no need for this post

Invest in a gratitude journal: every morning write down what you will be grateful for in the day and every night, write down what you have been grateful for.

OK - I can try this one

I'm grateful for being a fat n jellus cow
I'm grateful for rating sarcasm as one of the highest forms of intelligence
I'm grateful i dont plagiarise other peoples quotes without proper reference
Im grateful my "expert" is called Dr. Bob and can't say his 'w's

I always knew that Treasure ureself would be worth its weight in gold.... if it hadn't sold out i might even at the point of purchasing a copy - it strikes me it could be even funnier than the Go Fug Yourself book

"I Don't Believe It!"

This post title was meant to be a bit of a "One Foot in the Grave" Expression of surprise but when I thought about it I ACTUALLY don't believe this next one..

Apparently that cloth covered heirloom that can be passed down through the generations has sold out according to the Panty Mantis' blog. How absolutely devasting! I'm one of the unlucky hundreds that didnt manage to get my order in ahead of the rush :(.

Putting professional rivalry aside for one moment (though probably not being able to quite put down the fat n jellus aspect - thats rather integral to me I'm afraid) she's sold out? How many copies did they get done ... 10? Or, and here's a really way out scenario, perhaps they havent actually sold out and are instead building a pre xmas buzz so that lots of poor impressionable young women wake up on xmas morning to find out that they are being faced with advice on how to pin positive words onto glasses of water, eat what their ancient ancestors ate and dream about actors!

Whatever the reality of the situation, this does give me the opportunity to fill the gap in the market with the first edition of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being fat and jellus, Volume I. Its not cloth covered and I doubt you'll want to pass it onto your children ( I think they'd have too much problems with Orlando all to themselves part to be honest) but it is available for purchase, I've signed it and it does have Dr. Bob!

To order : please email my sales team on orders@pleasureureself.ec.com.

Matching your diet to your fat cell type

Guten Morgen! For my first post as part of the Pleasure Ureself team, I vanted to concentrate on making sure that you are eating the right varieties of Lard for your fat cell type.

This is very important, Vithout this you vill not achieve your fat and jellus objectives.
For example I am Lard Cell Type 10. This means that I must concentrate on Lard with a 90% or more fat content. This is because my body vill not put on veight so effectively vith anything lower

If you are lard Cell type 5, this means that you are closer to your fat goal and need to ingest fat vith a much higher fat content! I'd recommend something vith a 95% plus pure fat component. Othervise you vill find that your veight gain plateaus and you vill not get any fatter.

The All Original Lard gel vill satisfy both of these fat Cell types and is available on mail order in both in full and travel sizes.

Over the next few veeks I vill give you examples and links of products that have this high percentage of fat. Please purchase them for these specific sites othervise I vill not get the profits...

Until next time

Dr. Englebert Johann Bob

Editors comments: can I apologise to our German readers in advance for the gratuitous transliteration of Dr Bob's German accent - he gave me this over the telephone and I felt it was key to emphasising his words of wisdom)

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being fat and jellus

Yet again it seems I am missing a trick - apparently I should also be including wise words of wisdom from experts in the field. Our Panty Mantis has being doing just that with this guy. I havent quite managed to find such a quality expert with esteemed research credibility of such high quality as the mantis, but I did find this guy:



May I introduce Dr. Bob - I think his credentials on providing advice for the fat n jellus speak for themselves (you can read about them here)

I've invited Dr. Bob to share his expertise on the fat and jellus lifestyle in practice and I'm sure you will all find his contributions illuminating.

This does leave with a gap in expertise over the "wanting Orlando all to yourself" section though....

Sighs... you seem like the ideal candidate to me - are you available? I can have my people talk to your people if you are?

Hallelujah!

I was going to do this mornings post on Orlando's rumoured new project Effie (an Emma Thompson flick which sounds very ET, and OB's reportedly in it etc etc) and I was struggling with mustering enthusiasm for yet another project that he's rumoured to be filming that never sees the light of day..

But then news came through to me that for one SFD has purchaser of its rights (whatever that means...) but it looks as if it will at least get out onto DVD with a bit of luck! Orlando was also at a screening of it in LA last night.

Also it seems the Good Doctor will be played at Sundance next year - another one I'd be interested in seeing...... I find something rather fascinating about OB playing the bad guy!

Wow, what an incredibly unsnarky post for once - don't worry though, normal service will resume tomorrow!

Treashure Ureself

I don't know, I do an update on Pleasure Ureself and find that the Panty Mantis has to copy me and do herself an update on her Treashure Ureself blog....

This mornings offering involves more positive affirmations (hoorah I hear you all cry)

She took this affirmation:

“I release ill feelings toward others without seeking retribution”.

And gave us the benefit of her "take" on it:

“I am forgiveness and love, and I move forward knowing the past does not impact on me or my future. Every ill feeling I have had is removed and replaced by acceptance and love.”

Its funny ! I can read the words, I know what they should mean but all I can actually hear is

"yew are alle eville fat ande jellus cowz, butte eye have orlandoe alle to myselfe nowe, ande eye havve his balles inne mye klampah so eyeve wone and yew have loste"


But she does have a final bit of advice we can all apply:

Have fun being positive guys

OK so my "Take" on that is that I'm going to have a lot of fun being absolutely positive that I think she is a skanky panty model flogging her shite to an unsuspecting public, and by the way I'm also absolutely positive that Pleasure Ureself makes for a better read than her offering AND has a much dirtier title too...

See I can do affirmations when I try!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 6: A few practical aids

In the build up to my beautiful lard effect covered volume's release date (which I know you are all going to buy so that you and your families can Pleasure yourselves down the generations (hmm thats starting to sound rude....)) I have a few more practical aids for your consideration. In most cases these come into their own once you have put about 75% of your target weight on.

I Mentioned this yesterday but one of the best things you can do early on is to buy a stomach extender (such as our panty mantis was wearing yesterday in her "advert"). These are normally used by pregnant women to stop tummy droop as they get bigger but just think how well this adapts to the average fat n jellus cow. You will be piling on weight nice and fast thanks to my Lard diet and Ensurient Corpulence's All Original Lard Gel and weight put on fast tends to go to your tummy first before spreading out to a nice fat layer more evenly - you dont want a droopy tummy during this process now do you? Fat and Jellus is one thing, Fat and droopy is something COMPLETELY different, trust me!

The other thing I wanted to suggest for your consideration was a stair lift. Now I know that these are more normally used for the infirm (in fact my great auntie had one for a while) but they an also be a perfect addition to the house if you are fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself. You burn a lot of calories using stairs of any sort and there is no point in using up valuable fat if you dont have to.

One final thing: I need a model to model some of the Ensurient Corpulence range and associated products. Joders, Wanda! Are either of you game?