Sunday, 31 October 2010

Finally, some film news!

On the one level I'm rather excited to hear that Sympathy for Delicious is going to have an LA Premier on November 5th (you can read about it here) its been a while since I've been able to say 'Orlando' and 'movie premier' in the same sentence... though I suspect the likelihood of UK cinemas being graced with the movie is still very small indeed...

Also more stills have surfaced of his various current modelling campaigns.... (like the one above from Uniglo). I have to say that it gives me great pleasure to see Orlando taking off as a model... When he's not over airbrushed, I think he does it very well...

And also, can you imagine how pissed off that will be making his 'wife'. Orlando decides to do a spot of modelling and he suddenly has two or three high profile campaigns going on!

I just hope that he's found a way to defend himself from the ball clamper -

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Our model man...

Wow, its quieter than a sandy beach in a blizzard at the moment. I take it that the Panty Mantis is less than thrilled at being counted amongst one of the Fat at the moment since she has failed to be "caught" by those evul paps for a while now..

Luckily Orlando still has a dedicated battalion of supporters searching time and space each day to winkle out a tiny morsel about him and one of them located the above photo...

Isn't it lucky that the photographer at the Me&Ciry shoot managed to catch his exact expression when he was told that his "wife" was on her way to visit him!

Poor sod.....

Thursday, 28 October 2010


To: The Fat n Jellus
From: Slapparr (One of the Top Five Haterz and CEO of Ensurient Corpulence

Subject: Wanting Orlando All to yourself


While i realise with the issues of attractiveness surrounding our mantisized Orlando at the moment, it is imperative that you maintain your desire to have him all to yourself. This is a key ingredient to success at being Fat n Jellus! After all, one can hardly be described as Jellus if One doesnt actually want the item in question....

As an temporary move I would suggest not looking at any further pictures of OB since he came under this current affliction until the larger situation can be resolved.


Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 5: Eating out

following on from an insight into how I personally stay so fat and jellus I thought a few ideas on how to deal with eating out would be in order. Restaurants can be scary places for those on a fat and jellus mission: all those salads and offers of dressings on the side, grilled fish and fruit for pudding - it can be an absolute minefield for the unwary.

But Panic not, a few golden rules will help you eat out and still pack on the pounds!

The Choice of restaurant is crucial! never ever pick a restaurant that has the words "Salad", "Jacket Potato" or "Grilled" on the board if you can possibly manage it. I know there will be times when you have no choice and in those situations your only recourse is to carry a tub of lard with you in your handbag (my new travel sizes of the all original lard gel are perfect for this) and smear it on every course you have. Restaurants that deep fry everything are perfect - you can eat safe in the knowledge that everything you eat will be deep fried! In more upper class establishments, just make sure you order a large fries with everything that you order (ideally your starter too) and try and fit in as many courses as possible. This idea that three of four courses is the norm is archaic!

Although I'm not a fan of the Golden Arches personally, dont dismiss it as a venue for regular food - you've all seen "Supersize Me" right? Just imagine what that diet with a healthy serving of lard on the side could do for a person!

(By the way Im slightly concerned that Pleasure Ureself has far too many words, I see that the Panty Mantis has run out of positive affirmations in her book Treasure Ureself and is recyling the ones she posted at the beginning, so I may need to pair down some of the sections in Pleasure Ureself. I will, of course, keep you updated)

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Something hot with your Lard?

Or perhaps (as its definitely post 2007) not so much!

If the above does float your boat - print it out, put it on your fridge door and keep it in mind as you struggle to eat that final lardburger at the end of a long days eating..

If the above makes you feel sad and weepy, keep on eating anyway. You can use it as a trigger to comfort eat, safe in the knowledge that when you do reach your desired weight, you will be able to squash the panty mantis flat just with sheer tonnage and then you can start the long process of prettying Orlando again...

Monday, 25 October 2010

Anyone seen my Goat?

In case you are having difficulty locating certified organic goats in your local area - as promised, I've written down my eating plan for those whose aim it is to be fat and jellus

Daily Diet
(ideally all products would have certification from the Lard Information Council)

When I wake up: A cup of hot Lard with a slice of lemon

For breakfast: Chopped up mars bars in Lard OR Burgers and chips fried in Lard or deep fried fruit (in lard) or if I'm feeling really hungry - all three.

Mid Morning: A Lardshake and some banoffee pie with Lard sauce

Lunchtime: If you can find it a Goat coated in Lard but otherwise something deep fried in lard with deep fried eggy spelt bread fried, of course, in lard

Mid afternoon:
a handle of lard nibbles , or some chocolate coated Lard, or a deep fried chocolate coated lard bar (satisfying enough to make even the hardiest of scottish men raise their kilt)

Dinner time: Assuming you still havent managed to locate a certified organic Goat then I'd suggest emptying a draw of your freezer into your deep fat Lard frier and eat the contents up.

Late at night: A hot chocolate made with lard and perhaps more chocolate coated lard

I know its a tough diet to follow but at a minimum of 6000 Calories over requirement per day its guaranteed to pack on in the region of 14lbs a week - remember - the way to keep the weight on is to add it on gradually.....
I also realise the challenges that one faces when eating out so I will devote a separate section for advice on that

The Daily Diet of the Panty Mantis

Oh my days, I've waited a long time for the pleasure of a "diet" plan from the panty mantis - and now she has finally chosen to share the sekrits of her success with us fatties: Original is here - but please do allow me to provide a little touch of commentary:

My typical daily diet: (all certified organic if available) - (ah unlike your product range or so I'm told PM! )


Tahitian Noni juice immediately upon waking ( oh surely not! what a surprise)

Glass of hot/warm water with lemon juice, apple cidar vinegar & yellow box honey or agave

(psst PM! cidER is spelt with an ER at the end last time i checked )

Fruit salad of: pineapple, figs, cherries, apricots, strawberries, raspberries, cranberries, blackberries, prunes, plums, apple, pear (when available)

Goats milk, organic yoghurt or Bornhoffen yoghurt if I don’t have access to goats (because of course goats are standard sight in the urban jungle of most cities I visit )

Or instead of yoghurt if I feel like a cooked breakfast: (careful - next you'll be telling me that you "sometimes have a sandwich")

2 organic/free range eggs, either poached, scrambled or boiled

Two pieces of Burgen Soy Linseed, Rye or spelt toast with avocado (I wonder if she thinks that spelt toast will improve her english)

Hot dandelion tea with almond, goat or oat milk or a cup of green tea ( she really knows how to live it up diet wise doesnt she....)

Morning tea:

Handful of Tamari roasted or plain almonds or

Dark chocolate coated almonds (OMFG! chocolate???)

2 x Spelt biscuits with avocado and tuna (ok i'm gonna ask... WTF is spelt?)


Piece of fish (salmon, silver perch, yellow perch, snapper, cod) with fresh green salad vegetables and spelt biscuits if I am still hungry or is it me or is spelt becoming the new goji berries

A lentil dish ( umm i'm not sure you should be eating tableware, even if it started life as lentils)

Hot dandelion or green tea and/or green tea or a coffee if I feel like one (coffee is okay for A Blood types – but again, all in moderation!) (OMFG! now she's having coffee - she is going to get onto having a sandwich isnt she!!!)

Glass of filtered water with Dr Red, Ginger Punch Immune Booster formula (great to be used as an alternative to make-up cordial for kids as it tastes great and boosts the immune system) or lemon, apple cidar drink. (to be fair i'm with her on the ginger cordial but thee she goes again with her cidAR )

Afternoon tea:

Handful of Tamari roasted or plain almonds or seaweed extract (Maine Sea Vegetable extract) ( because i'm sure a spoonful of seaweed extract (from Maine) will keep those hunger pangs at bay - no wonder she is known to smoke if this is how she indulges herself )

OR: 2 x spelt crispbreads with tuna, avocado and feta cheese (yes! Spelt is the new Goji)

Piece of fruit (hoorah, finally something normal!)


Piece of fish (salmon, silver perch, yellow perch, snapper, cod) or chicken or red meat (rarely because of my blood type) cooked with ginger and garlic with fresh green vegetables (Broccoli, beans, snow peas, cooked slightly and artichokes) or green salad vegetables.
( is it me or are her lunches and dinners variations on the same theme and singularly lacking in carbohydrate )

Roasted and onion and garlic (ah so thats about 100 calories for a dinner then - that sure will keep your energy up PM! )

Late night snack: (only if hungry) ( I'm guessing you would be hungry having feasted on an onion and some garlic for supper, though that could be because i'm fat n jellus and like eating lard as a snack)

Seaweed extract OR (Maine Sea Vegetable extract) (again because Sea vegetable extract will keep you full and friendly..... )

A handful of pumpkin or sunflower seeds or almonds

Fellow fatties, this diet will do you no favours in your quest to become fat n jellus - but worry not, I too will post an example of a daily diet shortly just so you dont feel you have to follow this one and undo all the good work....

Further Communication from the Panty Mantis

Another communication from the Panty Mantis? I'm starting to feel a bit singled out....

Deare Lusinder
Eye havve to saye eye'm a bitte hurte. Even thougehe eye've emaled yew a lotte to telle yew to aprec.... aprec.....(fuk it - eye hayte longe wordz) lyke mye booke and mye blogge yew do notte seeme to bee able to.

Ande nowe itte seemes thate yew donte knowe arte when yew see itte either! Thate Pickture off mye bottum is beeutifulle, mye frineds and mye familie all lyke it tew.....

Eye amme a bitte worried aboute Orlandoe thoughe - since mye elektric balle klamper gotte himme backe fromme beinge AWOL he's inne an evene worrse stayte thanne before. whenne eye showede him mye Artistikke pikture he started groaninge ande mutteringe , eye cante quitee make outte whate he is sayinge , butte it sounds lyke somethinge aboutte the lyttle onne (in mye bellie) ande whate its goinge to thinke..

madde? ryghte? that lyttle onne (in mye bellie) wille obviously lyke my piktures whenne he gettes older ande so wille alle of his friendz...

wotte do yew thinke? I knowe yew are jus jellus and wante orlandoe alle to ureself butte atte this rayte there wonte be anie of himme lefte to wante..

I have a few ideas for her, but I'm not sure whether I should be sharing my well considered thoughts with someone that thinks that a photo of their Chocolate starfish is art!

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Twittering and Treasuring

I don't know - you get all excited about the signs of man globes having had a taste of freedom only to be shot down by the witterings of Mother (Panty Mantis) earth on twitter.

Having safely got Orlando's baubles back in her cracker she's back twittering away about her growing little one (in her belly), havin O all to herself, her nesting instincts and how she's going to ship the whole family over from Oz in stages.. Lucky OB - I bet he's thrilled about that!

But now for the main news of the day (and I do apolgise for the tardiness in picking this one up - I've obviously been far to focussed on Pleasure Ureself to keep tabs on what has been happening with Treasure Ureself.

In the build up to the long awaiting release, our Panty Mantis has been sharing a few more thoughts with us (from here), without further ado I I give you the following:

"Each day I practice “living in the moment – treasuring each moment and just being who I am”. I am not driven by my past and likewise, although I am committed to my future, I am not striving for it or living into it, I am present in my here and now"

I wonder how her A** hole photo fits into the above - do you think that was her being just who she is, or treasuring the moment -
One thing is for sure, I think we can all agree she's shown amazing commitment to pinning down her future by the balls....

Friday, 22 October 2010

The Lard Information Council

(What a great slogan !)

While we all know that its good to learn from your mistakes, I reckon its even better to learn from other peoples mistakes - that way you can find the right path without having all the downfalls.

I'm sure by now you all know the major faux pas that has recently befallen the Panty Mantis' product range for those people who are thin, adoring and glad she has Orlando all to herself? What one can learn from that is that its wise to actually submit an application for whatever certification you are going to claim relates to your product before actually claiming it has it..

What has this to do with my superb Ensurient Corpulence range you might be wondering...

Well I'd like to formally announce my intention to apply for certificated Lard status from the Lard Information Council. I'm not quite sure whether they will give me a natty sign to put on all of the EC range.... something like 100% lard would be nice, but I'll see what I can get.

I'll keep you updated, but for the moment please note that all Ensurient Corpulence products are 'application pending'

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Eye Cleanser

Sorry this took me QUITE so long ...

And talking of Nekkid Lies

I wonder if a certain Oz publicist will be as outraged about these photos as she apparently is about the earlier ones...

Poor Panty Mantis, she obviously HATES being nekkid...

“The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie”

The above quote is by Ann Lander and I thought it was a fitting way to start this mornings offering, you know something for the mantis to reflect on perhaps.. (I also thought the reference to nudity was rather apt...)

According to here all that guff about Miranda waiting for her organic certificate to come through for her Kora range was complete rubbish. The body themselves have come back and said that they havent even had an application. I could have sworn that she's said both that Kora has this already and/or that Kora had submitted an application for it.....

Interesting - I wonder how she's going to get out of this one, lets just hope she doesnt rely on a certain Oz publicist..

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

A bid for freedom

I'm sorry its taken me so long to update TSO with todays news - but a couple of things were making me faint with shock this morning.

Firstly was a picture of OB at a German airport on his own (so far so good) but there were two things that were shocking about this! For one he actually had a "belly up" grin on his face (something that has been missing in action for months now) and he actually showed signs of trying to hide from the paparazzi (something thats been missing in action for a few years now)

what a difference an absent mantis makes to a person....

Secondly, OB has also taken part in the Comedy against Malaria campaign but I think i must be missing my funny streak today - the only thing that made me laugh in it was the actor at the beginning saying "I'm an actor you should listen to what I say" - that was a joke worth laughing at! Maybe I need to wait for the full version...

and one final (Mantis related) point - I don't know about anyone else but THIS has made my day - OMFG blogger - TSO salutes you !

Monday, 18 October 2010

Well, what have we here....

Is it a Bird....No!

Is it a plane.....No!

Is it a flying Mantis - why yes! I believe it is.....

and there was I thinking she was too big to fly with the still remarkably small little one (in her belly). Its funny - she doesnt look to big to be ruling anything out to me, but thats probably because I'm so fat and jellus....

Sadly I couldn't grab the pictures (I know... what a shame eh?) so here's the link of hergiving an enthusiastic greeting to her friends (the paparazzi) and a pre-mantis photo of OB to help you practice wanting Orlando all to yourself...

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 4: Designing your favourite room of the house

It seems a small point but having the correct environment in which to practice is a crucial part of being Fat and Jellus. In most cases this means the Kitchen. That hallowed environment that is key to any aspiring fat and jellus person.

Make I make the following suggestions?

A bright and airy kitchen will do you no favours, all though no doubt you are fat (or aspiring to be fat) and proud but do you want the world to know the secret of your success? Far better, surely, to have your neighbours mavel and your amazing weight gain! Instead make your Kitchen dark and cosy - you can stuff your face in private and keep your fatty secrets to yourself!

The Fridge is also key to a properly equipped kitchen - unfortunately most fridges are not large enough to hold enough food for the truly committed - I'd suggest you identify an entire wall for this purpose, if you share your living space, make sure that you have locked doors - you dont want to be coming down, in the zone, to found someone has eaten your entire supply of lard. Also beware of the brightness of fridge lights - it can be most disconcerting and is a health and safety risk - In your new dark and cosy kitchen, never approach the fridge from your couch without your sunglasses on.

The last point i'd like to make: ensure that your doors are wide enough, you don't want to reach the crucial goal to find you cant get out of the door - there is no point in achieving the fat and then not being able to share the jellusy!

A whole lotta trouble...

Oh Dear oh dear, I'm in trouble - the Panty Mantis has got wind of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus and she's not happy....

This is what I received:

Oye Lusinder,
Eye've beene tryinge to reade the stayte of Orlandoe nowe four a fewe dayes (thoughe eye ended uppe havinge to gette Orlandoe to helpe mee,) and eye'm notte happie. yew shuld be woreeied thayt yew are alle fate and jellus, notte celebratinge the facte....

Eye'll telle yew alle this fur nothinge: Orlandoe doesnte lyke fatties ande anyewaye, eye have himme alle to myselfe alreadie. Yew are all farre to fatte to aprec.... umme aprrecia,..... (Oye Orlandoe, eye wante to saye lyke but usinge bigge words - canne yew help?........oye, there is no neede to bee rude orlandoe...) where was eye? a..p....r...e....c....i....a....t.....e mye wisdome......

(thayte waz harde worke)

Yure newe range woynt helpe yew either - and yure booke........ its gotte far too manye words in itte alreadie, myene is muche better - eye onlee have three in the whole thinge!

givvee uppe, eye havve wun, change yure ways.....

Its a bit confused ( i guess she must get like that when she's angry) Poor orlando - she sounds pissed.... i hope he's ok....

Saturday, 16 October 2010

A super Sekrit announcement

I would like to formally announce the first in a range of flagship products by the Ensurient Corpulence Corporation.

Our "All Original Lard Gel" is a patented formula that works with the fat you already have to produce mountains of blubber in just 2 weeks. Using key ingredients passed down through the generations it combines varies forms of trans fats and glycerol into a pleasantly scented gel which can be applied topically or used as a condiment to your favourite burger.

Just read our testimonials here - go on make each day that bit fatter....

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part III: Wanting Orlando all to yourself

It seems to me that readers of this chapter will fall into one of two categories:

Either you are "fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself" or you are "Fat and jellus and are over wanting orlando all to yourself" on the grounds he's been a bit too mantised, but are having to pretend that you do want him all to yourself in the interests of entertainment.....

still with me?

There is probably a third category which the Panty Mantis calls "havinge Orlandoe alle tew ureself" but as she's in a minority of one - I'll leave her out of this (plus I can't be bothered to translate the entire chapter into dingoese just so she can read it, ok?)

As the first two boil down to the one outcome, I'll focus the main method to develop the wanting orlando all to yourself to keep it simple...

To most fat n jellus haters this comes pretty naturally, you see a photo of a pre-mantised Orlando and your heart rate quickens, your pulse increases and nowadays there is usually an overwhelming feeling of loss that follows swiftly afterwards as you recall what once was..

A word advice: Only look at photos of Orlando pre 2005 - any later than that and you risk coming across one that is starting to show the ravaging effects of the Panty Mantis. The effects of this on you are catastrophic - you quickly find you loose your appetite , feel the feelings of envy rapidly receed and cease to want Orlando all to yourself. In short you abandon all the advice this cloth bounded volume as offered you! Luckily, providing you move quickly enough, a picture of Orlando pre 2005 will usually counteract the effects..

If you are into extreme sport, there are some photos out there later than 2005 which will assist you on your quest to wanting Orlando all to yourself - but these years should only be handled by experts, if in any doubt - consult a professional.

Pete and OB

Don't worry, I've not forgotten my super sekrit announcement but for the moment we're still on the more serious matter of the LOTR reunion.... I'm so glad they've done this - gives us all a reason to hoik out the LOTR DVD's again!

Friday, 15 October 2010

Things that are Very Very wrong!

I know this is totally off topic, and its probably because its friday but what the f**kety f**k is this? Since WHEN has it been ok to turn up to a washing machine function in your oversized baby grow and knee high boots..

Sorry! its just that its been outraging me for the last 3 hours and I've ended up having to share in the vain hope that a problem shared is a problem halved...

A Model's life

why is it I'm getting a lot of vicarious pleasure over the success of Orlando modelling?

Oh yes: it because I'm fat n Jellus!

New 60 second version of the Uniglo advertisement can be found here - our boy is looking and sounding good and more importantly doesnt look orange at all!

I think I need to go have a lie down after all this OB news to report. Weeks of swimming through the mire of Panty Mantis non announcements have left me damaged.....

I would like to announce that I will be making an announcement tomorrow about a super sekrit suprise for you all - now arent you all excited???

Cover Boy

Yes, I bet he is Furious - I certainly would be if I'd had any time at all in the company of the Panty Mantis...

(and I know its not his best shot by miles - but I ask you this - who would you rather see on the cover - an over airbrushed 3D panty mantis or an underairbrushed Orlando...)

LOTR reunion!

What's going on? After what seems likes weeks of news that solely relates the panty mantis and her status as mother earth - there has suddenly been a rush of news about OB in the last couple of days...

Out of all the news which has surfaced (Main street is apparently premiering in a couple of US festivals before it hits Oz (thanks MC) the one that caught my eye is the LOTR reunion.... ahhh!!! I dont often get all sentimental when our think of our happy hubby but the thought of most of the LOTR people getting together is a nice one!

I have a couple of questions though - for one where IS Viggo? Unless I'm missing something, I couldnt see him in the shots...

And secondly did a memo go round instruction them all to grow beards for the occasion ? Maybe Peter Jackson feels happier that way? One thing is for sure though ... Sir Ian has to be given first prize - he looks like he's warming up for the role of father Christmas...

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Main Street Alert!

Now, please don't faint with shock but rumour has it that there is another OB movie heading for public performance... apparently Main Street is going to get its premier finally at some Aussie film festival..

For those not already dead with boredom over speculation over where baby Bloom will be born, there is some half hearted speculation over whether the Panty Mantis will see fit to use this as an excuse to get BB born in Gunnedah..

The mayor of Gunnedah, if I remember correctly, was willing to put on an entire town festival to celebrate the nuptials of our happy couple, I wonder if he would be prepared to resurrect and amend the plans to celebrate the birth?

Perhaps the Panty Mantis could have a screening of her own to give everyone inside access to exactly how a 100% organic mother deals with the pain of birthing?

I'm sure there would be ample opportunity for an impromptu signing of Treshure ureself between contractions for those 1000's of eager fans that will inevitably wait to see their home-town-girl-made-good..

so many opportunities present themselves!!!

oh no silly me - Of course I'm forgetting that both her and OB are fiercely private and secondly she's too big to fly... and that of course puts pay to the signing idea..

what a shame - the mayor will be gutted, but I guess they still have the super sekrit surprise to issue to those of us that have pre-registered for our signed copy!

Still its great news for OB, I wonder if he'll pick up that southern accent again in time for the premier?

Three Musketeers

Its not much of a work update I'll admit - but news has leaked out that Orlando is apparently back in Berlin filming for the three musketeers - his "wife" apparently has had herself surgically attached to his lower left buttock in a vain bid to stop him escaping while he gets the chance..

I wonder what happened to all those terrorist threats they were supposedly so frightened of, or her keenness not to fly because of the little one (in her belly) - obviously the cause of keeping hold of the Bloom at all costs outweighs any other considerations!

I also thought it was really nice to see that the paparazzi managed to leave our poor hounded couple alone for this particular visit, its nice to see they can respect their privacy when they arent called in feel so inclined..

(Thanks to the deluge of emails i've had expressing interest in the Ensurient Corpulence range of products - I will shortly be linking you up to few of particular favourites whilst I work on the full range. Being fat and jellus is a passion of mine and one that I am thrilled to be able to share with you all xxx)

Wednesday, 13 October 2010


I am now ready to make the announcement that I announced early today!

I'm really excited to introduce my new range of cosmetic and health products especially designed for today's fatties. Ensurient Corpulence*.

The name translates as Jellusly Fat and is all about a living the lifestyle and incorporating those fat and jellus habits into your everyday life. Its designed to work in tandem with Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being Fat and Jellus

I'm inviting you to come 'Inhabit my envy*' with me - we can share fellow fat stories, I will talk you through some of my favourite products to promote a larger waistline. Being fat and jellus is a passion of mine which I am so looking forward to sharing with you.

(*"Ensurient Corpulence" and "Inhabit my Envy" are trademarkes of the Ensurient Corpulence Corporation)

Orlando break...

I'm even pissing myself off by not posting photos of OB so here is another one - way back when he was pre-mantis and beautiful..... I cant quite put my finger on why i like this one - with the exception of Orlando, my eyes arent entirely overcome with hawtness....It must just be that O looks genuinely like he's having a good time ...

I am currently working on a "sekrit" surprise for you all By the way, I'll announce it a bit later on (but please note that this is an announcement of an announcement - i believe this is the proper form....)

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part II: Being a fat cow!

Ok, so hopefully you are now working hard on your jealousy technique from yesterdays installment. Today its time to work on being fat!
Now I do realise that the majority of us are fat already. After all, its fairly hard to be fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself if you are thin! But, my fellow fatties, you should continue to strive for even greater achievements with your weight. Believe me, you really arent anywhere near your goal until you need a forklift truck to remove you from your sofa every morning.

A useful trick that i use is the power of positive thought (you’ll see that this has a different focus to the art of positive affirmation). I can give you an example if you stand in front of an all you can eat buffet and think ‘I cant fit anything else in’ you’ll probably find that final cake will elude you. Similarly if you think "I can eat everything on that table, and then go out for dinner" you’ll find you can!

I would suggest writing down a few of your thoughts in a pad to carry with you, should the thought starving yourself cross your mind.
Here are a few of mine:

- I am fat and Jellus and know I want Orlando all to myself (Slapparr)
- Never Eat more than you can lift (Miss Piggy)
- My favourite food is seconds (anon)
- I’m fat therefore I am (anon)
- I’m already two years behind on my fat allowance, I’m looking for skinny people to see if I can borrow theirs (Jo Brand)

Just a few to get you going.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 1: Lets Talk about Jellusy

Probably if you are reading this you are probably already confident of your jellus skills. But, my fellow fat n jellus cowz, whilst this may give you something upon which to base your future training, in itself it is unlikely to be enough.

True unadulterated jellusy takes time and effort and a selfless dedication to the cause. Think back to all the times I’ve selflessly braved the Whora website in the name of the greater good; reflect on all those brain numbing reflections I’ve brought to your attention - are you getting the pikcture? Dedication is what you need. Again though a few positive thoughts can be a handy tool to keep you on the straight and narrow when a non jellus thought hits your mind:

- Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.  (Fran├žois Duc de La Rochefoucauld)
- Nothing sharpens sight like Envy (Thomas Fuller)
- It is well said that envy keeps no holidays (Francis Bacon)

I hope you are all feeling suitable inspired!

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Orlando Break...

My fears of being far too 'Panty Mantis focussed' are being swiftly realised so I am going to need to redress the balance (in the absence of any concrete action from Orlando) and post a few pretties in between my installments of Pleasure Ureself.

Behold the Bloom!

(Actually its not quite true to say I don't have any news on him at all - according to that gospel of truth Twitter, OB Finally made it out to have dinner with a fan whose rather rich relative had bid on the date as part of a charity auction. It apparently it only took Orlando a year to find space in his busy schedule to fit in a bite to eat with this chick. What is much more funny is that the lady in question got BOGOF! Lucky her, the Mantis went with him too - she must of been thrilled with that one, I know I would - well worth the expenditure!!)

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

I decided late last night I might be missing a trick! If the mantis can have a guide that is designed to advise people on how to treshure themselves, give lots of 'advice' on how to be like her and have a spin off product line, facebook and blog so can I!

May I proudly introduce...

Pleasure Ureself: A practical guide to being fat and jellus.

Now admittedly I havent got much further than this yet - but don't worry I will!
Its going to be full of advice on how to get fat (if you arent already), work on that jellusy and how to really hone you skills of wanting Orlando all to yourself. I too am going to get the advice of experts in the field (psst Joders..... Wanda... you game?) ready to offer snippets of advice to help your lives be even worse than they already are. I also thought a few (referenced) quotes would be in order. Seeing as I got cruelly cut short with my practical guide to weddings, I think this is a worthy replacement. I'll start with this quote I think....

"[T]he ear of jealousy heareth all things." ~The Bible (Apocrypha), Wisdom of Solomon 1:10

Speaking of which, I hear there is a pending storm breaking over nude photos of the Panty Mantis...... Oh the horror and surprise! If you believe the version being pimped around at the moment, some dastardly photographer has managed to get hold of 8 year old photos of the Mantis with her tatters out and is threatening to publicise them against her will.... we've even had an erudite statement from the Mantis Oz Publicist on the subject saying how the publishing party in question is quickly going to make enemys with that kind of behaviour..... I'm sure he's quaking in his boots, particularly given that it seems the photos are considerably old and already well and truly in the public domain.....

And this is coming from the girl that has only made Holy Moly for one reason and one reason only - their surprise at her doing a photoshoot in more than a koala and some chains..

Poor Orlando - I seem to be neglecting him recently..... but there isnt much to report ...... I'll do a pretty for you all later just to remind us who this blog should actually be about (OB: thats a hint - do something other than mantis support, I'm starting to bore myself!)

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Laughing Together: More from Mantis Inc.

Sitting around on a saturday morning waiting for Waitrose to open does strange things to a person - take it from me!

I headed back over to Mantis Inc. in pursuit of a few laughs to while a way the time till the hallowed Waitrose portals opened and I could get some coffee (in fairness this could all be down to the lack of coffee in fact, but anyway..)

Looking for "fun" I clicked on her "Just for Fun" section of the blog (studiously trying to avoid the vomit inducting opening entry about how we are all going to "Laugh Together" each week - its a nice sentiment of course but I wonder if she's realised yet that I'm not sure we are "Laughing Together" I am certainly laughing but i doubt she's laughing at the same things....)
Anyway, I skilfully avoided the first entry and headed over to a post about Psychic Frankie - animals are always cute right? Two things were entertaining (in a fat n jellus way obviously) about this entry..

1) Our Mantis seems to agree with me that a video of her doing anything constitutes something that we can all laugh at - she posted a video of her doing a fashion shoot with a photographer if the title is to be believed.

2) Our Mantis sadly doesn't seem to have got the relevant permissions to show said clip, its been taken down because of a "terms of use Violation"... oops! Apparently she doesn't seem to understand video copyright any better than she understands proper referencing!

Obviously I am gutted not to have been able to Laugh Together with our Mantis, it seems I'll just have to fall back on her recent stomp down the Balenciaga catwalk for amusement - I wonder if she will find that as funny as I do!

(PS Cavey: Yes, I know)

Friday, 8 October 2010

More from the Mantis Inc.

Its Friday and I thought I'd spend of time selecting an update from the Mantis blog to educate us fatties in how to be more like her (i'm sure we could all do with a helping hand from the guru of beauty!)

But i came across a distinct difficulty, there were so many different examples of moronic edifying advice that i found it difficult to limit myself to just one... in short, I think a few extracts are in order.....

First off (and credit again goes to D for this find) we have Frankie the psychic healing dog...... poor thing, if that gets out there he's going to need his own management company, I wonder if either Carliii or Aileen cover dogs?

Then of course there was the normal article on the benefits of Noni juice - all stuff we've heard before i hear you cry!

But did you know that the Mantis "favourite" supplier of this key distinguishing product between us jellus cowz and her was original called Morunduh Morinda Inc.? No? Don't worry, I didnt either! but I cant help feeling they should have stuck with their old name, it seems rather apt somehow.

Then of course there is the Mantis's thoughts on cellulite. Suprisingly she thinks she's "genetically Blessed" (where have i heard that phrase before?) in this department!

The final thought I'd like to leave you with were the Mantis insightful words relating to lines round your eyes. Apparently "If we smoke, party hard and/or live a stressful, “unfriendly to our body life” this causes lines round your eyes......... (She of course is suggesting the purchase of her Eye gel as the panacea for this ills though i suspect in practice she probably finds a drop of photoshop rather a lot more effective!) Anyway, obviously sound advice but why does the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones" spring to mind...

I'm sure she'll have a spiritual response for us at some point, and in the meantime I hope I get props for promoting her site in this way!

(Yes I know Cavey: Fat, Jellus, O to myself)

A Fashionista

Its rare in more recent years that you'll find someone willing to compliment OB on his casual fashion style, it kinda well accepted that the man does casual in a big way! Thanks to Sis for this description about OB's outfit for the Balenciaga show

"i think it's pretty safe to say that mr bloom was dressed by the house of balenciaga for this occasion, he even wore balenciaga sneakers. whoever styled, or managed to convince him to wear balenciaga for the show should be given a raise. "

at least that explains the payment method for the show..... but its this I thought was a fair comment:

"the amazing thing is that orlando looked so relaxed in that outfit. in many cases with balenciaga, the outfit "wore" the person rather than the other way round. enough gushing, but this is the best i've seen anyone wore balenciaga menswear."

Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather him in a suit (and i think he's still working the duke look with that tache) - but I do think he's a natural clotheshorse (unlike his "wife") but more of her in a bit :D

Thursday, 7 October 2010

A Nekkid Orlando?

It seems what comes around goes around! After years of the Panty Mantis flashing her bits and pieces round the globe in the name of fashion Orlando has allegedly got his own back. According to german gossip sites he and his spawning mantis were at the pool, he left the shower accoutrements with the Mantis in error and then walked Nekkid into the ladies changing rooms to retrieve them....

Much as I'd LOVE to believe this happened I think its a tiny bit unlikely - I could certainly see our happy couple going swimming, I could definitely see Orlando strutting about in the Buff (he doesn't strike me as the shy type when it comes to getting his gear off for some reason - could be something to with that arse shot in gran canaria....) but could anyone see the queen of treshuring herself deigning to swim in a public pool???? I somehow think not!

I'm not going to polute your eyes with a recap of the arse shot, I think all round its much more helpful to go back to my happy place in 2007....

Psst sighs: you can click HERE - (warning, please dont do this unless you are ok with rear view nudity!)

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Treashure ureself: Update!

Yes, you've guessed it, in the continuing build up to the LONG waited release of Treashure Ureself my new favourite on the Net (The Whora Blog) has given us a few new snippets prior to arrival of the cloth covered heirloom itself.... in case you have sorted out the inheritance line but haven't ordered your copy yet you can do that here

I thought I'd give you my reaction to this latest update, just to prove how fat'n'jellus I still am.....

For anyone who orders Treasure Yourself online or who has already ordered Treasure Yourself online, we’re excited to say that we have a couple of surprises in store for you… we don’t like surprises either,

Ooh ooh let me guess !! the surprise is that it actually contains words and not just pictures?? Did i get it right?

but …….. (I'm all anticipation)

good things come to those who wait and we literally can’t wait to hear from you when you receive Treasure Yourself and that in itself is going to be a surprise!!

Believe me, Tresure Ureself in hard copy in my hands would be a great surprise! (and I'll be hunting down those fatties that brought it for me with a view to committing revenge!)

What affirmations of Miranda’s can we share with you today?

I don't know but I get the feeling its gonna be good!

A couple of weeks ago one of our contributors talked about the power of “JOY” so I will share a couple of Miranda’s “Joy” affirmations with you now, enjoy:

I'll try my hardest.....

“I am content with who I am and who I am not right now. I accept, nurture, and respect myself. My heart, soul, body and mind are at peace with my world and joy flows through me”. By Miranda Kerr

oh dear I don't where to start with this one... I wonder at what point she became "content with who she was" it must of been recent - up until her getting a bun in the oven I would of said she was content to try and pin down Orlando... I believe she's at peace with HER world though - its just a shame it bears no relation to the real world...

“I have an open and giving heart knowing the universe provides for my every need. Laughter and joy flows freely from my soul.” By Miranda Kerr

baahhahhhahhahha *wipes tears of laughter from eyes* I don't think any further comment is needed on this one!

So fatties, are we feeling inspired??? The great Mantis has spoken! I'm sure I will once i stop crying with laughter.....

Photo is of OB with a fan apparently - I know its not old school (sorry sighs / wanda) but he does look cute in it to me - plus the girl he's with is very pretty!

Monday, 4 October 2010

The beautiful things in life

Like Orlando - pre Panty Mantis.....

I thought we could all do with some soothing!

Sunday, 3 October 2010

The Mirror Image

Do you know, Orlando could have 'possibly' could of got away with the Paris shots of this morning as not being set ups.

It could have been possible that he had to rush home with his pet mantis to some private crisis and hence he didn't turn up to the TV show (i know, I know, extremely unlikely considering the shots and the concept of either of them feeling the need to do anything privately, plus of course the JJ factor) but to have a mirror image in London with Big there...... I think that pretty much kills that get out clause stone dead....

That ball clamp must be bigger than I'd originally thought.....

Wetten..... What?

There are somethings in life that you are gonna live to regret and I have a subtle suspicion that this could turn out to be one of Orlando's.

The Story:
OB was due to appear on a German TV show last night which has been described by some as "one of the largest in TV entertainment shows in europe" with the lovely Milla to discuss the 3 Muskateers, sadly he was a no show. It seems right up until the show was underway people thought he was going to be coming onto the screen. The first Official reason that was given was that he was shooting a few more scenes for the 3M and therefore couldnt make it. If that had been true that would of have disappointing to his supporters who paid a rumoured 1000euros on Ebay for tickets to the show but I'm sure most people would have accepted that he is an Actor and that has to come first..

Then JJ decided to post an entry showing our happy couple leaving on the Eurostar for London with luggage etc, and poor Milla was left having to say that it wasnt because of shooting a few scenes after all, it was because he wanted to spend more time with his Mantis....

So what gives?
Is this another example of our happy couple promoting the cause of tru romance/Balls in a clamp? Its a bit odd, he's been with her for the last few weeks in fact this is probably the longest time they've EVER spent together in one hit. Perhaps OB is worried that if he leaves her even for a day, the horrific reality of the situation will come rushing in and cause some kind of collapse*.

What was interesting to me (being a fat and jellus) was whether the Pap shots at the Gard du Nord had a different feel to them. To me there was one of two options: Either we'd see a hiding Orlando (as in the good old days) trying to slip back to London to avoid this huge public showing of a lack of professionality or we'd see our usual man posing away with a few PDA's thrown in for good measure and could therefore surmise that he's thrown his toys out of the pram.

In fact I'm not even sure why I bothered to check given that this was "released" on JJ - though in the above photo he's looking a little bit as if he's having second thoughts about the cunningness of this particular plan....

*Cavey, I'm joking on that one, please don't feel the need to get all excited, I understand there is a troll amnesty over at Delphi you may wish to take advantage of

Saturday, 2 October 2010

A touch of PR

Orlando and and cloven hoofed panty mantis are shlepping around paris eating food, buying stuff, being 'caught' by the paparazzi and generally name dropping shops the like (I hope they have claimed the appropriate "gifts" afterwards)

And our poor hounded couple are being followed at every turn by those pesky paparazzi too - in short its the same old stuff when they are doing a bit of profile raising. There are the usual touches in an effort to make them looked chased round the city -such as different shots of them leaving the hotel in different outfits that all appear on the same day, you know, that kind of thing. In a previous life I would have said that this was a build up to another trip back to Oz solo for the mantis but seeing as how she's too big to fly, that can't be it!

Look closer at the above photo though, this is not only an opportunity for you to buy into the fabulous lives of brand bloom-panty mantis, what is the mantis clutching in her pincer? Tube of whora product - subtlety at its best! (and thanks to ILC for pointing that one out!)

News has also broken to about the new campaign our pregnant mantis is heading up! (I know i could hardly contain my excitement either....)

When i think of what constitute essential Panty Mantis, to me this means Victoria Sekrits, Stunningness, Modelling with her ass or her 3Dboobies sticking out, hanging on to her handbag for deal life (of both varieties) and a strong affinity with Social Media! Scurrilous and evil gossip even had her posting away on her Facebook whilst she was on her hunneymoone with Orlando!

Considering particularly that last point then, I was slightly surprised to hear that she is heading up a don't use social media for a day campaign - maybe its a way of her treating her addiction, who knows or maybe its the best of a lot of bad options PR wise!

Friday, 1 October 2010

An inverview from a guy with his Man Globes in a Clamp

Our Panty Mantis seems to have gotten Orlando's Man globes into an even tighter spot than we'd previously realised - its the only rational explanation for the interview below, unless of course he's fired his pr team and a certain Oz publicist has taken over..... actually that could explain it..... this comes from an interview for German Ok! (thanks D for the link.....)

I thought it was worth a closer look (indicated in blue, other comments are in Red

You shooting the first time in Germany. How do you like it here?

Excellent. The people here are all super friendly. And the food and German beer are just fabulous. I fear that I have to watch on my figure a bit.
trans: my "wife" keeps telling me I'm putting on weight, I think she's trying to project her situation onto me personally...

Do you find it very difficult to leave your pregnant wife while filming?

Yes, this time is something truly special. Hardly back from the honeymoon and have a baby on the go. But of course I will as often as I can fly to London or Miranda bring to Germany at the shooting.
Trans: No, not at all - in fact I was hoping to hide in Germany with Milla and have a few laughs, but she tracked me down .... you have to help me, she has possession of my man globes.

We both are looking forward immensely to our first child. And I am very proud to be a father soon.

That went with you and Miranda so rapidly: Shortly after your engagement was announced, you were married and now you are already a father ...
To an outsider this looks like a kind of speed dating with immediately starting a family!
Trans: I know this looks like a PR arrangement to an "outsider"
(Laughs) (ow ow my man globes)
But it is not like this. Trans: You saw what just happened to the boys, I'll say anything she wants
We have considered each step carefully. I know Miranda for over three years. And it took a while until friendship turned into love.
Trans: It took a lot of rehearsals and her getting up the duff before this turned into something more permanent

Is it true that Miranda won't give you her phone number at first?
Yes, I had to ask her manager. Miranda had a boyfriend at that time.
trans: take it from me, never drink a bottle of 20/20 all to yourself at a VS party

You were long-time solo, you've been rarely seen one with a girlfriend.

I've never been someone who has set his private life from the rooftops.
(I wonder if can still get away with saying this without the interviewer laughing....... hmm she seems to be hysterical, maybe not!)
As you can see, it's less spectacular.
( I need to calm this interview down, she's crying with laughter at my last comment still!)

And when we get to know each other paparazzi shouldn't be there.
(shit I've set the interviewer off again - laughing hysterically, and I thought we'd got a lot better at doing our set ups.... )

That sounds very confident. Did success and fame never made you insecure?

At the beginning. Therefore, I had quickly the feeling of having to withdraw more and more. It even went so far that the people I met for the first time thought I'm shy what I'm really not. But I just became a little more careful. Not all those who give you a smile really mean it good with you. Did we get a shout out?

What exactly is truth at the story that you've had been paralyzed in an accident in your early 20's?
That was a bad thing. At a party I popped from the third floor to the street and had broken my back. The doctors said that I most likely would be a case for the wheelchair. Luckily I was able to walk again after surgery.

Do you believe in fate?
Tough question. Let me answer like this: I was always religiously inclined, and spiritually. In recent years I have been interested in Buddhism. I meditate a lot and do yoga together also Miranda. We are both vegetarians. It connects us even more. Trans: I'm sorry but if I don't say what she wants me to say, she just hurts the boys even more and there is a limit to how much pain a man can take...

Would you give up acting to become Greenpeace activist?
(Laughs) No, why should I? The acting, since I can think is the biggest inspiration in my life. Working as an actor to be a good husband and father - that's enough of a challenge.
(and of course finding defensive moves to block the clamp before she gets me in it, I'm not there yet sadly..... )