WTF?

You've probably noticed that nowadays I keep my commentary on Orlando to a minimum on here. I figure he has more than enough to deal with having daily run-ins with the Panty Mantis without me adding to it.

However.... THIS I couldn't leave alone



Yes, your eyes arent decieving you, that is a nice discrete cutting edge mobile phone, designed for portability and convenience...... with a full on retro red handset attached !

Congratulations to the originator of that bright idea - so far its been about three days and Im still laughing my head off!

Party Time

I really wasnt going to do an update - my creative streak seems to have a bad case of bordom with our favourite couple - but with set upon set of Orlando out partying minus his pet Mantis all over the place, the temptation was too much...

He's been at a variety of different parties over the last few days, all without the Mantis and all where he looks like he's enjoying himself - here's hoping this is the new way forward....

The Panty Mantis meanwhile has "privately" been sharing the details of her private life with random online people her closest friends. ONe of the more amusing ones for me had to be her saying she had to go because "we" were are all sitting down to dinner... I wonder if she was using the royal 'we' - because Orlando was out for the evening and I'm imagining Flinker is a little young to be sitting up and enjoying a four course meal with his Mantis mummy....

and if you really want laugh (and this is cruel, even for me) check out the David Jones winter catalogue here but I warn you - this is not for the faint hearted (and I imagine provides the explanation for the lack of post baby shots of the PM....

A Model Life

Relax! As If I'd post pictures of the Panty Mantis here!! Besides, she's too busy a) writing her contribution to the first chapter of Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Household Management and b) doing the ground work for the coveted Rainbows and Butterflies Mother of the Year award...



No, this is OB - rumour has it its for Uniglo... If so I'm extremely happy to see they have a winter version of the their fake tan range that makes users look a lot less orange....

I'm slightly concerned about the return of the tash though - Both in "In Celebration" and in "Main Street" I never was convinced that was a good look for him......

Awwww!

I really dont agree with little babies getting papped - I cant believe something this young would be hunting out a public profile if it was able to let its parents know what it wants.. but I couldnt quite resist this!



but look at that smile!

Caption this...

Orlando or No?

Well, what do you think fellow Fat'n'Jellus people?

Is this Orlando out on the Razzle or his stunt double having a beer? I can't quite work it out....

Happy Birthday Orlando

I seem to be late at the moment with all my seasonal and personal greetings - but they late is better than never...

So...

Happy Birthday Orlando

And if I may a small birthday wish..

avoid calling your child either Bruce or Lachlan if you can (we all know what the PM is capable of) - I know both are aussie and I've heard from your "wife" that the baby is all aussie despite its Brit genetics , but neither suit the surname Bloom!

An Orlando Break

To help you all through this difficult time (I'm assuming that the tension as we wait for an official announcement is effecting you as much as its effecting me) Orlando's new Boss video has come out to provide us Jellus ones with small consolation while we stuff our faces..


Cute huh!

In other news it appears we have a new celebrity amount Orlando's inlaws - despite news of someone or other getting a haircut beating the news of the new arrival on most celeb gossip sites (odd but true!) it seems Matty is the latest of the Mantis clan to be hounded by evil paparazzi 24/7 as he was "caught" by paparazzi "stalking" him (and i use both terms in it traditional meaning for the Panty Mantis) as he was caught with Brent Wood trying to Channel Orlando...

All I can say is I hope he gives it up soon - sunglasses and a pair of tight jeans do not equal looking like the man that played Legolas....

Hold the Press the Mantis said something intelligent!!!!

There! that caught your attention didnt it? - Obviously she hasnt that would be the equivalent of the earth becoming the sky but I thought it was an arresting headline :D

I couldnt decide whether to post the latest and even hotter picture of Orlando as "The Boss" or Orlando in the rain, unhappily caught yet again by those evil paparazzi looking like the model out of the timotei advert...

It probably doesnt matter which since Orlando is so much better at modelling than his "wife" that neither are exactly hard on the eye..

I have to say I've lost the will to live in relation to the Panty Mantis at the moment - i'm sure i'll manage to raise some interest once the little one (in her belly) comes along - she's bound to do something stupid ....

A Hot Boss

Its not often you can say those two words in the same sentence... but when it comes to OB's Boss adverts you certainly can!and yet again Orlando shows how much better he is at modelling than his "wife"

Dear Orlando,

I know that you and I havent always seen eye to eye on some of your choices in life - If I'm honest I would have much preferred that had done An Education, I can't help feeling that that was the start of your decent into "the wife from hell" scenario that you now find yourself in.

The whole subject of your choice of pap mate is one that causes me great pain both visually and orally. She is akin to a embodied and visual version of the bubonic plague of our times.

The thing that gets me the most though on this occasion, and its neither your career or your "private" life, is your choice of clothing:

Dressed up - generally no problem, in fact I'd go as far to as to say that you can look extremely debonair when you try
Hanging out in shops - slightly too much green t-shirt, but we've been there and we've got through that crisis

Why oh why then have you decided to do THIS to me....



What are those things covering your upper leg - do they even sell them on planet earth?

I've got no problem with your skinny guy legs but those shorts are hurting my eyes more than the sight of your wife idiotically grinning and trying to form comprehensible sentences. I seem to not even be able to register that you took a slash at the side of the road and the photos of that are now circulating the globe...

nothing you have ever done in your entire life offends me more than those shorts....

Ive nothing more to say to you right now, i hope you will reflect on what you've done

Yours, in horror
Slap

Its snowing thick and fast

I think its lovely how the Panty Mantis has chosen to get into season spirit by "snowing" us with paparazzi shots! She may look like a grinning nincompoop in all of them but thats a small sacrifice one has to pay for the pleasure of being innundated with photographs of her lyvinge the lyfe...

To be honest they all look the same to me - same idiotic grin, same geographical position in relation to Orlando, same outfit on the pair of them...

More interestingly there a Video has surfaced of OB on the set of the 3 Musketeers..... apparently that Hairdo is a Pompadour hairdo?!?!?!?

Well, what ever that is I'm taking it that that means Biiiiig Hair - to be honest I'd call it more of an afro ..... but what would I know!

(video is here btw - he looks like he's having fun!)

Not Again!

Seriously... exactly how many shots do we need in one week of one or both of our "happy" couple out and about? In this instalment Orlando is back (and brandishing that Green T-shirt again) stopping those evul paparazzi from snapping the Mantis' little one (in her belly)

To be honest both of them need to practice some new moves. Orlando's sole reaction to paparazzi at the moment seems to be putting his hand over her ginormous belly and trying to look protective.... mind you, it must be hard to come up with a different reaction when you are doing a new shoot pretty much every day and you have to take into account the material he's working with!

Lets be honest! Her modus operandi in front of those evul paparazzi hasnt changed for years - that happy idiotic grin when she seems them (where you can almost hear her voice going "yeeeewheeeew paparazzie eye'm hear againe" ) is firmly in place whether or not she has a little one (in her belly)

Actually I'm probably being unecessarily hard on them both - maybe she just has the worst case of Wind known to man and Orlando keeps on touching her stomach in a vain attempt to get her to release her gas before she gets into the car and asphyxiates him...

Yes that must be it! and it would explain why poor OB seems to do the same move whenever they are out doing together at the moment...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Poor sod!

(oh and OB I've started up my green shirt tracker again - lets not go back to what happened last time that one was out and about ...)

It really is a Pappy Christmas

Though thankfully the latest round of set ups only has Orlando in them and not our preggers Mantis... i imagine Orlando's ability to perform stunts would be seriously compromised with that on the back of his bike!

The mean buggers at X17 wont let me post the pictures so the link is here and the pretty is by way of an alternative

Excitingly (and also as R pointed out probably the reason for the profusion of paparazzi photos in the last few days) Orlando is also rumored to be reprising his Leggy Role

i dont think I'm quite in a minority of one on this one (though the reception has not been universally overwhelming) but for me its a big case of woooooohooooooooo!

(I was far more focused on Viggo in the first three, I'm hoping I can refocus for this one :D)

What REALLY happened at the Staples Centre

PANTY MANTIS: coooeeeee! eyem hear freindz, doynt eye looke lovelee! Eye'm notte sure whate Orlandoe is laffinge aboute butte nevah minde, for once he lookes lyke hes havinge fun while eye'm arounde

ORLANDO:Oh God Baste, I think I'm finally loosing it - how much longer do I have to be in the same airspace as her. Look! My brains so shot to shit that I can't do my jacket up and I keep bursting out with bouts of uncontrollable hysteria!

SEBASTIAN: Dude! Pull yourself together. If you're going to have a breakdown the Staples Centre Car Park is not the place for it. If its got to the stage where you cant even get your jumper done up we really do have a problem.... (thinks: Oh god, my poor poor cousin, I need to get him some help and fast)

OTHER GUYS: OK so Orlando Bloom is laughing, do you think its now that his 'wife's' going to get her titties out?

Finally! Proof...

... proof that the panty mantis has done something nasty to Orlando's man globes, Just look at the way he's sitting on his bike with his yoga mat and tell me a guy could do that with his bollocks intact and in the correct position on his physique?

In more work related news rumour has it that the Good Doctor isn't listed at Sundance this year. Thats a shame..... thats one of the last times in recent living memory that I recall OB looking relaxed and happy. I wonder if this one will make the light of day - its another OB Film that I liked the sound of....

Pappy Christmas Everyone

After weeks of successful hiding out safely away from those pesky paparazzi - our happy couple have sadly had their privacy invaded yet again by those evul paps..

Luckily the paparazzi haven't yet managed to excercise their dastardly plan to photograph Orlando and the Panty Mantis away from their standard scenarios of either sitting at a cafe or involving Orlando's motorbike. God forbid they get caught out in a different scenario, I think we'd all die of shock!

with the imminent arrival of the "chosen one", I bet it will be a Pappy Christmas for Dr and Mrs Panty mantis....

Still one can hold on the vain hope that Orlando will get his balls back in his Christmas Stocking along with the Mantis' Little one (in her belly)

True luuuuuurve!

Oh No! those evul paps have "caught" our happy couple trying to have a private lunch together..... arent they just the pikture of true luuuuuuurve. Orlando looks positively ecstatic!

and just for any caveys that might be lurking.... yes yes, fat... jellus..... orlandoe to ourselves - but here is a lovely shot of us all at our last get together, just for you!

Rocking it?

I'm afraid there are no prizes for guessing why yesterday was a great day for having a pap set up..... with the VS show on air this week it stands to reason that our Mantis needs to do something to maintain focus on the new arrival..

Our poor hounded couple were unluckily "caught out" by those evul paparazzi coming out of a rock concert in LA. It seems that in addition to getting a rounded belly to show off in that see-thru travel dress/top she is also getting some of the other side effects of pregnancy...



PM: Orlandoe eye thinke eye neede to brake wynde, canne yew slowe downe a bitte?
OB: What did you say? (oh f**k i know that expression - pap guys, you might want to run for cover)



OB: Ok guys run for your lives! I have a protective nasal salve so I'll hold her here while you escape.
PM: Orlandoe! Whatte the fucke du yew thinke yew ahr doinge, yew arh sendinge awaye mye friendzs befour theye have hadde a chanse to tayke mye pickture!



OB: I'll tell you something for nothing - this salve is not all its cracked up to be!

The Phan Police

I think you'd have to be pretty blind or pretty stupid not to have notice that the arena of support for Orlando (or not as you like) is a pretty polarised place.

One the one hand you have the fat and Jellus (like me) who obviously have sad little lives which are spent eating, being jellus of the Panty Mantis and wanting Orlando all to myself and then you get those who feel that true love has never had a defnition like it does now and the little one (in her belly) is akin to the second coming. There is a shady third category of evil Bytch who doesnt actually care one way or the other but is so severely entertained by the phuckery thats been coming they cant leave it alone.

Generally this polarisation maintains its rightful place within the community but one group obviously does not seem to have gotten the message that we should be keeping our shame to ourselves..

When Heckler Spray did this post ratting on Orlando, I doubt they were planning on some of the comments that showed up (and they sound remarkably familiar to me)

"You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.”

It seems Heckler Spray were more than a little taken aback too so they did a follow up here

It seems that the cause of the Fat n Jellus is spreading outside of the Phanbase. Don't worry Heckler Spray - the rainbow and flowers brigade may not appreciate your wit but you will always be welcome in the ranks of the fat n jellus - even if your comments about Orlando were a little harsh

oh and your Tubbie and copy of Pleasure ureself is in the post!