Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Where to start!

whenever I start of a post and realise there is just too much material its normally relating to the Panty Mantis. She seems to have projectile explosions of "Me Me Me" at regular intervals (and normally timed with some event or other she wishes to distract people from). Today is no exception!

So, where to start..

Well, for one she's started writing poetry - I was going to do a spoof of this but I just couldnt bring myself to lavish the time on it, so instead you can enjoy it in all its unadulterated glory here!. I suppose its impressive she got someone to translate it out of her native tongue!

Then, as W kindly pointed out, there seems to be a slight discrepancy on the popularity of Treashure Ureself. Earlier this week Oz Vogue reported it as being in their top 10 list of bestsellers. I thought that was slightly strange at the time given there are only meant to be 2000 copies, and it appears that amazon agrees with me. They have it ranked 1,914,100 AND its been tagged under Urban Fiction.

As if that wasnt enough the Mantis is back and resident on her facebook "sharing" away - I'm sorry PM, as funny as your comments are on there (and I am impressed that you can type with your bump too) Live in my Skin is funnier...

Sunday, 28 November 2010

The PM writes again...

I was wondering why she'd been so quiet - I presumed she was cooking up some publicity stunt to time with the VS christmas show but it seems she still found time to communicate with the jellus ones....

Deare lusinder
eye amme notte impressede at alle withe yur booke, eye ordereded a copie in the ende tew see whate itte whatte the fusse was alle aboute and eye thinke its disgustinge .

Whye yew are alle so proude offe beinge fatte ande jellus cowz is beyonde mee. Do yew thinke that Orlandoe lykes fatties orre somthinge - yew are wronge! pluse mye booke is nowe on the beste sellars liste withe vogue - eye tolde theme eye wouldnte lette them have anyee more nekkid piktures offe me iffe they didnte haw haw haw...

Aktually eye wante to aske youre advice thoughe on orlandoe he's beinge a bitte stragne. Eye "loste" mye clothes againe inne the name of arte thinkinge thayte he woulde fancie a bitte of seksy tyme ande he started cryinge - eye couldnte make outte what he waz sayinge bute itte sounded lyke "pleese kille me nowe, eye kante tayke aneemore".

odde righte? eye knowe he lykes nekkid wimin because he keepes onne goinge to strip clubbes withe his friendz butte when eye do itte he lookes sui..... sui...... (fuk itte) lyke hed rather bee deade.... eye evene didde thate seksy danse eye dide duringe the shoote for hym butte thayt juste made himme crye even moree.

Whate do yew thinke - I knowe yew havve no lyfe so youe will have plentie offe tyme to thinke of whats wronge...

and destroye youre boooke nowe - eye donte lyke thinges withe lottes of wordzs...

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 8: Post Thanksgiving Advice

Although Thanksgiving is not something we brits do, As we have a large american readership here on TSO, I thought I'd give some critical advice for you now the day of feasting has passed.

In fact this advice is useful after any bout of excess..

Overeaten over Thanksgiving? More stuffed than the turkey? Inunndated with LBD diets and advice on how to juice everything in sight? Put the magazines down - remember you are fat n jellus and the word "Diet" does not apply to you!

In fact if you are on the Pleasure Ureself plan is that on a feast day you probably havent eaten enough. Its a bit like being at a restaurant, you feel slightly worried about pulling out the maxi pack of All original Lard gel out of your maxi bag to add to your repast and so you miss out on some vital calories.

The trick is not to panic - there are many options available to the cunning fat'n'jellus person. Perhaps you could pop to the loo to consume a couple of tubs in private - providing you dont take too long, no-one will be any the wiser. Or you could pretend you left something in the car and stuff a tub or two down in the carpark. There are numerous options in any situation that will keep your fat n jellus technique a holy mystery and keep the weight piling on."

Sound advice that I hope you will find practical over the festive season!

Friday, 26 November 2010

The Phan Police

I think you'd have to be pretty blind or pretty stupid not to have notice that the arena of support for Orlando (or not as you like) is a pretty polarised place.

One the one hand you have the fat and Jellus (like me) who obviously have sad little lives which are spent eating, being jellus of the Panty Mantis and wanting Orlando all to myself and then you get those who feel that true love has never had a defnition like it does now and the little one (in her belly) is akin to the second coming. There is a shady third category of evil Bytch who doesnt actually care one way or the other but is so severely entertained by the phuckery thats been coming they cant leave it alone.

Generally this polarisation maintains its rightful place within the community but one group obviously does not seem to have gotten the message that we should be keeping our shame to ourselves..

When Heckler Spray did this post ratting on Orlando, I doubt they were planning on some of the comments that showed up (and they sound remarkably familiar to me)

"You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.”

It seems Heckler Spray were more than a little taken aback too so they did a follow up here

It seems that the cause of the Fat n Jellus is spreading outside of the Phanbase. Don't worry Heckler Spray - the rainbow and flowers brigade may not appreciate your wit but you will always be welcome in the ranks of the fat n jellus - even if your comments about Orlando were a little harsh

oh and your Tubbie and copy of Pleasure ureself is in the post!

Thursday, 25 November 2010

We Three Kings

I know I've said this before but its all gone a bit quiet on the Orlando front again - perhaps, like the holy family in Bethlehem 2000 years ago, they are at this very moment preparing for a long journey - after all, the Mantis seems to be treating the birth of the little one (in her bellie) like the second coming....

I just hope Viggo is one of the three kings... where was I? Oh yes, this mornings post !

Actually I don't have much more to add other than I hope you like the pretty sighs!

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Live in my Skin .... again

I have to hand it to the author(s) of this blog - this is one of the funniest parodies I've seen yet of our Panty Mantis - not only the posts but the characterization of the posters....

L.I.M.S - I take my hat off to you - and may I say that there probably is someone somewhere at this very moment constructing a fan page for Orlando's bodily fluids....... but its probably polite not to guess who!

A touch of Spelt...

I think by now we all appreciate the business head the Panty Mantis has on her. Whether or not you appreciate tru luuurve when you see it, there is no denying that the Mantis has made some smart personal business decisions along the way:

The decision to drop a Certain Oz Publicists brother in favour of Orlando cant be described as anything other than sound commercial sense by a fat n jellus person such as myself.

The decision to use Orlando as the biggest publicity vehicle since Lady Godiva rode into the arena claiming she had simply nothing to wear can only be thought of as good business sense.

The decision to Trap have a little one (in her belly) and encourage the matrimonial processes along could almost be described as machiavelian.

So the whole Kora / Treashure ureself thing is perhaps slightly lower than the usual high standards one has come to expect of Team Mantis but her decision to go start up a line of products that both tick the organic box whilst contributing to the fat n jellus fraternity is pure business gold.

(Thanks to W for linking me up!)

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Live in my skin

Thanks to Bella we have a new and crowned queen of the Tubbies. This is pure quality - congratulations anomers you have won

*drum roll*

The Best Overall Snarktastic Contender Tubby for 2010

Allow me to recommend LIve in my skin :

and share a few choice extracts with you

On daily routine:

Hey guys! People were asking me about what I eat to keep this wonderful figure so I thought Id post up my daily diet for you guys as well as my daily routine so you guys can live like me – live in my skin. Enjoy.

Wake up at 4.30am. Check social networking sites. Brush teeth. Lick mirror (10 calories). Recite 10 affirmations to myself. No shower as the water makes you weigh more. Brush hair. Kiss Frankie. Consume flea (5 calories). Weigh self. Prepare breakfast.

and this

Shout at Orlando (-200 cals). Check social networking sites. Buff/paint nails. Nap. Weight self. Prepare dinner.

Replying to her guests:

Thanks for asking Ghandi hon. The little one is doing amazing. Kicking and moving, my back is killing me but I guess it doesnt help sticking my arse out all the time. Love Therese xxx

Congratulations Live in my Skin - we at TSO salute you!

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 7: Overstepping the mark

By now you must all be making excellent progress towards your goals of being completely Fat n Jellus. The long hours of munching away and looking at pre-mantis photos of Orlando are starting to pay off, but how do you know when you have reached your goal weight and need to move to a maintenance diet?

I would be being an irresponsible author if I didnt say that whilst being incredibly fat and jellus is obviously the goal, there are levels you could take it to which would start to endanger your health.

Generally speaking, if you have to ring your local authorities to airlift you out of the house every time you want to go out, you've probably gone just that bit too far. Other warning signs are when you fingers get to fat to type even on your specially adapted fatty keyboard - this is not only a health warning but practically difficult: How are you going to contribute to the worldwide fat n jellus community if you are no longer able to use even an adapted computer?

Luckily the remedy is pretty easy - I would recommend a day or two of the Delphi Diet. (for those not in the know this involves looking at and hearing the Panty Mantis in action, a few moments of her jiggling her bits around is usually enough to cause projectile vomiting, if that doesnt work, try turning the sound up and listening to her voice too)


Whose the Nobb?

Apparently its not Orlando (or is depending on how you read it).

Rumours (from that gospel of truth Twitter) have surfaced that Orlando has pulled out of the production and has been replaced by a remarkably similar looking actor by the name of Aaron Johnson. Whats even more of a shame is the lack of surprise this has caused, i think most people still interested have become surprised more when a movie is completed than the other way round!

I hope this isn't true, but given previous form and the tight grip the Panty Mantis has on his balls at the moment it wouldn't surprise me.

Obviously having your balls in the clutches of an expectant mantis is a full time occupation after all...

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Commiserations to the Panty Mantis

Dear Panty Mantis,

Can i offer you my condolences, I know you have Orlando all to yourself but still, it must be hard when news breaks globally about the marriage of someone you had once had on your "lyste offe riche menne thayte eye canne targette".

I imagine there is the pain of an opportunity missed; the knowledge that that opportunity has effortlessly circulated round the globe and the realisation that unlike yours, the husband looks overjoyed in the interview he gave, the wedding will be large and well attended by both families and the wedding dress is highly unlikely to be lost by American Airlines...

Dont worry panty mantis, one off the list doesnt mean there arent others out there for when Orlando finally free's his bollocks from your grasping clutches... If you'd like some help in identifying someone new from the list, please let me know...

and I'm sure you will join me in offering hearty congratulations to Wills and Kate!

Slapparr x

PS I know I'm fat n jellus but that doesnt preclude me from being excited about a royal wedding, in case you were wondering

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

The expression of overwhelming joy?

I wasn't going to post anything today - i'm in the process of preparing a little spelt special for you all...

But I couldnt resist the above. The exact moment at which Orlando is faced with nekkid picture of his "wife". Doesnt he look ecstatic? Isn't he expressing the joy and pride he articulates a few seconds later....

Or is the look closer to that of a french aristocrat two seconds before the guillotine strikes..

The whole sequence is quite special in fact... you can see it here but I should warn you, there is copious exposure of the pregnant mantis in her natural state ..... nekkid!

Your call ladies and gentlemen!

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

A Bronze Mantis

It was only a matter of time before our panty mantis pea sized brain cottoned on to the benefits of having a bronze of her bump done, lets face it - lots of actual celebrities have done it before; a bit like reinventing the wheel, but a bronze bump......

Think of the advantages:

1) She could get her photo on it on the front of not only celeb magazines (by mentioning Orlando obviously) but she could also get it on the cover of Sculpture Magazine and other similar publications as a work of art.

2) She could use it to carry round the vat load of Noni juice she must be drinking by now to keep herself going.

3) She could carry round her own personal supply of spelt wherever she goes.

4) She could use it to keep hold of Orlando's balls - its probably a bit better at keeping them undamaged than their current resting place of her handbag.

5) When the mini mantis is born she doesnt have to shell out on a crib - she can wack some Kora wrapping in to her bronze bump and make it a bed in there.

6) Finally and most importantly - there is a small chance that Orlando might show some genuine interest in a sculpture of the baby (in her belly) - after all he's always said its something he loves!

Monday, 15 November 2010

Bytch Please!

"I might about to get my balls put back in your blender, and I KNOW I'm about to be in-lawed to the max, but in this space and this time .. I'm still my own man, goddam it! ... at least until I get in the car, anyway!""

Tub o Lard Awards

Thanks for all your suggestions for Tubbies so far - I've been dishing out awards or runners up medals as they come in.

But today as very special award is given to the Mantis' granny. Although perhaps not the most obvious choice for a coveted Tubbie some of her lines in the recent interview the Mantis did makes her highly deserving in my opinion! Not least for her real reaction to the Panty Mantis' nicker modelling gig

Congratulations Granny Mantis! Today the Tubbie goes to you!

I burned my eye sockets out a little further this morning to watch a bit more of this - actually what a fantastic interview - between granny and the interview there really are some priceless moments in there. I particularly enjoyed the opening lines when the interviewer obviously doesnt give our mantis enough praise so she doles some out to herself, and of course anything granny said ....

Sunday, 14 November 2010

End of Intermission

Sadly our few days of news where Orlando was more prevalent than his Mantis seem to be over. This morning I have been deluged with what seems like an entire dung heap of Mantis Drivel.

We can start with Orlando and his words of joy / suicidal expresssioned interview.... I have to hand it to the Bambi interviewer - they spent an awful lot of time flashing the mantis boobies but it was that classic moment when the asked Orlando how he felt about it all and he came out with some stock answer and looked completely embarrassed - poor sod! Not for the first time recently I really felt for him.. Still he looked a lot happier attending his cousins screening of his new enviro flick (above)! Enjoy it while you can OB, we all heard the enthusiasm in your voice when you were describing Christmas with your inlaws .....

But enough of that, let us move on to the Mantis appearance on an Oz TV show. The thing that tickled me in the small part I could actually stomach watching was that obviously the interviewer wasn't quite appreciating the Mantis' success enough for her, to the extent that her second or third response effectively involved telling him how well she'd done. Sadly that was the highlight, it started on a low point and went downhill from there in my opinion, but thats probably because i am one of the fat and jellus..

Then of course we have the written media coverage of our favourite Earth mother. I don't know about you but i was very glad to hear that she will be "present" for the birth ( it could get a bit messy if she wasn't there), some fabulous advice about lifestyle and the immortal lines that unlike us fat n jellus cowz she doesnt come home after a stressful day and reach for the Ch√Ęteauneuf-du-Pape 2007 and the TV remote. Instead she (and apparently poor old OB too) get to meditate and do power yoga... no wonder Orlando is looking a tad rough round the edges, I just hope he gets plenty of slobbing in when he's away from home...

Isn't it interesting how she reveals all about her pregnancy right when the VS shows are in the press... i'm sure thats just a coincidence though, after all, we ALL know how private she is.....

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Orlando goes green (again)

When I woke up this morning to find yet more news of Orlando I couldnt quite believe my eyes - We go for months with the net being saturated with pictures of his "wife" demonstrating how much she HATES getting nekkid, enlisting her FB supporters to assist her and inflicting her view of Treashureing ureself on an unsuspecting public and then suddenly Orlando springs back into action to save our eyes and our brains.

Perhaps he feels we all need a bit of a helping hand in the wanting Orlando all to ourselves category? (If so we probably better not point out to him that most people on here find past 2007 a bit of a challenge)

Anyway, on to the news of the day! Having done a quick switch to Barcelona and collected his Bambi he was photographed yesterday with Sebastian at the Cinema for Peace Green Evening in Berlin. To me they both look good (though I have to say the pair of them are looking a lot more alike than once they did) - the only slight question I have is why OB signed his signature off with 2011 underneath it, last time I checked we were still in 2010..... maybe he thinks if he jumps on a year somehow his pet mantis and her ball klamper will magically dissappear

In other more exciting news C came up with a new short name for the Tub o Lard awards which I think is more media friendly (thanks) So from now on the Tub o Lard awards will be called The Tubbies! Remember, if you come across a deserving candidate for a Tubbie, just let me know!

Friday, 12 November 2010

And the next TOL award goes to......

*Drum Roll....*

Flyer talk

for their suitable snarktastic account of (you've guessed it) the Panty Mantis' missing wedding dress. I wonder if the hullabaloo over this dress is down to peoples strong feeling that if she had it back she might be more tempted to wear clothes more generally...

And congratulations to the commenters on Flyer Talk too - I am quite happy to send out our fabulous Runner up medals to the relevant posters...

The "Tub o Lard" Award

I have truly exciting news for you today. With awards season starting up I decided to institute a brand new TSO award for people outside of the inner circle of fat jellus haterdom who show particular talent through words, writing and any other media to hand for demonstrating a fat n jellus tendency..

Without further ado the first and highly coverted TSO "Tub o lard" or TOL award goes to..

*drum roll*

Windsorstar.com for their illuminating take on the lost wedding dress:

"Days like this make you glad you're not in public relations for American Airlines: Celebrity model Miranda Kerr is upset because, she says, American lost her luggage, including the antique dress in which she got married to Orlando Bloom last July. Did I mention that she's pregnant? Now Miranda has asked her 369,000 Facebook followers for advice: "Has anyone else experienced losing luggage through American Airlines and if so did you ever late it again? Any help would be greatly appreciated." I imagine "late it" is supposed to be "recover it." The poor pregnant darling is obviously too upset to be coherent. AA's response so far: they asked her to fill in a form. She's 27.

Congratulations Windsorstar - Your award is in the mail to you

If you feel there are any other worthy candidates for this prestigious award, please do feel free to get in touch!


no, I'm not talking about Orlando's eyes..... I'm talking about an award he flew in to get in Germany. He's looking pretty good here and its nice to see him with an award in his hot little hands, reminds me of the golden years!

I havent seen his acceptance speech but judging by the gesticulations and expressions he was making, I'm assuming he was illuminating the gathered press and public with his thoughts on his wife's ability to get nekkid:

"Of course my wife showing her boobies and bump to the world at large could be seen to be rather far removed from our wish to become private, but she is a very private person"

"In fact i find avoidance and drinking copious amounts of alcohol about the only way of coping with her private ways.... (shit did i say that out loud)"

Poor guy..... but at least he seems to be enjoying himself whilst his wife is lying in so to speak and I understand she's quite happy too - spending inordinate amounts of time of Facebook trying to create a stir about nothing

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Boss Man Bloom

Hoorah, I can actually start this post of with something Orlando related - He's starting to crank up a gear in preparation for his role Pimping Hugo Boss Orange!

As I've said before I do like his modelling and I'm looking forward to seeing another big campaign with him in, but I hope the above photo isnt going to be the style of the ads... To me it makes him look camper than Christmas at Butlins and I'm not sure that look is going to sell MAN's fragrance to MEN! Still at least when OB says he has a high profile campaign thats what you get - unlike others I could mention

Talking of whom, our Panty Mantis seems to have gone into overdrive.... you remember that dress thats been AWOL for 4 months, you know - the one that she went on facebook to enlist the help of the masses in locating.... the one that she didnt actually use any official chanels to locate at all.... Well I have to hand it to her! She's great at using any situation to her advantage - apparently the designer will replace her dress for her at no cost - way to go Panty Mantis!

Still at least we know why all this has suddenly kicked off now - VS have just finished shooting their latest show - the PM has obviously thought if she can get some nekkid photos out there of her she'll be contributing in spirit if nothing else...

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Home alone Mantis

With Orlando looking rather bemused and super svelte in Barcelona, (above from here) the Mantis has been left to her own devices again... Believe me, that is NEVER a good thing. Long experience of being a fat and jellus cow has taught me that left to her own devices, and without Orlando's sobering influence on her scheming, she's likely to come up with not so cunning plans rather swiftly..

Where to start?

Well for one her latest nekkid shoot was apparently in shot in Paris when she was there stomping down the catwalk like an underdressed turtle for Balenciaga - the problem I have with it is that the bump seems to be a completely different size. Maybe seeing as how she's so stunninge she has the equivalent of a dimmer switch attached to make it grow or shrink at her convenience?

Rumours seem to have resurfaced of Wedding mark II in australia - I REALLY hope this one is for real, I have lots of advice to offer and I still have the original wedding team ready to go

The final titbit out there this morning has made me laugh the most. I think we all know about the challenges the Mantis faces in stringing a sentence together well it seems she is unable to count too. The baby (in her bellie) is apparently going to gestate for anything between 7 and 12 months (depending on what you believe)... If its the latter at least it explains why she took so long to look preggers in the beginning....

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

I Knew It!

I knew that the Panty Mantis hated getting nekkid: When I read all that hurt and upset over nekkid photos of her when she was younger (you know, those ones that she sold the rights to but didnt or something like that ) I thought poor exploited girl...

Then of course there was her getting nekkid for a good cause with her koalas and her chains - that doesnt count of course its being nekkid in good spirit

And that evul perve Richardson who shot nekkid shots that also so upset her - I though poor poor taken advantage of Panty mantis..

So I wonder what possible explanation I can come up with to explain away the latest bout of nekkidness (if you are a braver person than I you can view it here

You see, she obviously HATES being Nekkid.... unless its because she wants to get famous, is supporting a good cause, is part of a pirelli shoot or is out to prove that she's the moste stunnigne and gawguss supamodell in teh worle evah (Copyrite: Joders)

Orlando must be so proud.....

(yes i know: Fat... Jellus..... O to myself AND unable to appreciate pure nekkid beauty when i see it :D)

Has anyone see my dress?

Perhaps not the most groundbreaking of cries from the Panty Mantis; after all she seems to have difficulty locating her clothes every time a camera is pointed in her direction so in one sense it stands to reason that she was going to loose her entire outfit at some point! But this is a serious issue..

I'm very sorry to report that the Panty Mantis has had her luggage stolen and not just any luggage, the luggage with her dress that she trapped married OB in...... so (sadly) she wont be able to wear it when she celebrates with all her friends in australia that they got married. (psst Joders, Wanda, Mayor of Gunnedah - I think we could be back on with the wedding again... I'll keep you posted...)

Even better, she is also asking for "brutally honest feedback" on Treashure ureself so I thought, being the lovely fatty I am, that I'd help out. From her facebook:

"I love the posts from people who have been reading my book. I want you to be brutally honest with me in your reviews, that way I can ensure when I write the next one that I understand what you want.

OK PM I can be brutally honest seeing as you asked:

You're WRITING the next one?????? well thats progress if ever I saw it!

There are rumours through that gospel of truth twitter that OB is back in the UK - lets hope so - what with the threat of having to repeat the most traumatic day of his life with his inlaws and the breaking news that his "wife" is still labouring under the illusion that she can string a sentence together, he probably needs somewhere to hide out right now!

Monday, 8 November 2010

More from the Panty Mantis

Sadly this time no personal communication - I Dunno ...perhaps she's grown less fond of me recently or perhaps she's starting to realise that Pleasure Ureself is a viable competitor to her offering...

Happily though she's still giving us snippets from her mastepiece to consider (and thanks to R for linking this one up!)

"Whenever I am feeling tired or maybe a little sorry for myself I make a mental note of all the things I have to be grateful for.

Blimey - I think hell has frozen over - is she actually saying her life is not all rainbows and Blooms

Gratitude helps me when I am on a swimwear shoot and it’s snowing; or when I’m getting up at 4am for work.

Ah no - phew - its just the "hard" life of a model thats getting her down - she's missed getting the glitter in her toes out of that list

I remind myself that everything I do is moving me towards my goals. Being grateful gives me an immediate boost of energy and brings me back to the moment……

I thought she'd already achieved her lifes ambition..... Poor Orlando - all that only to find she's got more to achieve...

Simply being grateful can change your whole perspective on life. If ever I am having a bad day or if things aren’t going quite to plan and I feel like giving up on my dreams, I take a step outside my world and then I get to see just how lucky I am.

yes yes we know we're all so jellus of your fabulous life PM

I encourage you to do that. Next time you are feeling down, take a trip to the mall, a homeless shelter or a children’s hospital and take a look around.

Interesting advice from someone that seems to only take advantage of this type of lesson in life when a camera is trained on her and her PR Machine is waiting to swing into action in the wings...

When we take time to acknowledge everything around us, we get to appreciate just how lucky we really are….

Here is an affirmation from Louise Hay, say this to yourself morning and night:

“I am grateful for each day”.

Well that's original..... I wonder what her take is

Here is my take on this affirmation:

“I am grateful for who I am and who I am not.

oh man, I'm really having to sit on my fingers not to type a real translation of that one

I am grateful for the life I have been given and for all that I have and all that I don’t have.

Ok I can't contain myself: So she's grateful that she has Orlando all to herself and that she's not fat n jellus like us - we get the message PM....

Every breath I take is a blessing and an opportunity to fully experience the sheer joy of being alive.”

If only I felt the same way panty mantis - there would be no need for this post

Invest in a gratitude journal: every morning write down what you will be grateful for in the day and every night, write down what you have been grateful for.

OK - I can try this one

I'm grateful for being a fat n jellus cow
I'm grateful for rating sarcasm as one of the highest forms of intelligence
I'm grateful i dont plagiarise other peoples quotes without proper reference
Im grateful my "expert" is called Dr. Bob and can't say his 'w's

I always knew that Treasure ureself would be worth its weight in gold.... if it hadn't sold out i might even at the point of purchasing a copy - it strikes me it could be even funnier than the Go Fug Yourself book

Sunday, 7 November 2010

"I Don't Believe It!"

This post title was meant to be a bit of a "One Foot in the Grave" Expression of surprise but when I thought about it I ACTUALLY don't believe this next one..

Apparently that cloth covered heirloom that can be passed down through the generations has sold out according to the Panty Mantis' blog. How absolutely devasting! I'm one of the unlucky hundreds that didnt manage to get my order in ahead of the rush :(.

Putting professional rivalry aside for one moment (though probably not being able to quite put down the fat n jellus aspect - thats rather integral to me I'm afraid) she's sold out? How many copies did they get done ... 10? Or, and here's a really way out scenario, perhaps they havent actually sold out and are instead building a pre xmas buzz so that lots of poor impressionable young women wake up on xmas morning to find out that they are being faced with advice on how to pin positive words onto glasses of water, eat what their ancient ancestors ate and dream about actors!

Whatever the reality of the situation, this does give me the opportunity to fill the gap in the market with the first edition of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being fat and jellus, Volume I. Its not cloth covered and I doubt you'll want to pass it onto your children ( I think they'd have too much problems with Orlando all to themselves part to be honest) but it is available for purchase, I've signed it and it does have Dr. Bob!

To order : please email my sales team on orders@pleasureureself.ec.com.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Matching your diet to your fat cell type

Guten Morgen! For my first post as part of the Pleasure Ureself team, I vanted to concentrate on making sure that you are eating the right varieties of Lard for your fat cell type.

This is very important, Vithout this you vill not achieve your fat and jellus objectives.
For example I am Lard Cell Type 10. This means that I must concentrate on Lard with a 90% or more fat content. This is because my body vill not put on veight so effectively vith anything lower

If you are lard Cell type 5, this means that you are closer to your fat goal and need to ingest fat vith a much higher fat content! I'd recommend something vith a 95% plus pure fat component. Othervise you vill find that your veight gain plateaus and you vill not get any fatter.

The All Original Lard gel vill satisfy both of these fat Cell types and is available on mail order in both in full and travel sizes.

Over the next few veeks I vill give you examples and links of products that have this high percentage of fat. Please purchase them for these specific sites othervise I vill not get the profits...

Until next time

Dr. Englebert Johann Bob

Editors comments: can I apologise to our German readers in advance for the gratuitous transliteration of Dr Bob's German accent - he gave me this over the telephone and I felt it was key to emphasising his words of wisdom)

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being fat and jellus

Yet again it seems I am missing a trick - apparently I should also be including wise words of wisdom from experts in the field. Our Panty Mantis has being doing just that with this guy. I havent quite managed to find such a quality expert with esteemed research credibility of such high quality as the mantis, but I did find this guy:

May I introduce Dr. Bob - I think his credentials on providing advice for the fat n jellus speak for themselves (you can read about them here)

I've invited Dr. Bob to share his expertise on the fat and jellus lifestyle in practice and I'm sure you will all find his contributions illuminating.

This does leave with a gap in expertise over the "wanting Orlando all to yourself" section though....

Sighs... you seem like the ideal candidate to me - are you available? I can have my people talk to your people if you are?


I was going to do this mornings post on Orlando's rumoured new project Effie (an Emma Thompson flick which sounds very ET, and OB's reportedly in it etc etc) and I was struggling with mustering enthusiasm for yet another project that he's rumoured to be filming that never sees the light of day..

But then news came through to me that for one SFD has purchaser of its rights (whatever that means...) but it looks as if it will at least get out onto DVD with a bit of luck! Orlando was also at a screening of it in LA last night.

Also it seems the Good Doctor will be played at Sundance next year - another one I'd be interested in seeing...... I find something rather fascinating about OB playing the bad guy!

Wow, what an incredibly unsnarky post for once - don't worry though, normal service will resume tomorrow!

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Treashure Ureself

I don't know, I do an update on Pleasure Ureself and find that the Panty Mantis has to copy me and do herself an update on her Treashure Ureself blog....

This mornings offering involves more positive affirmations (hoorah I hear you all cry)

She took this affirmation:

“I release ill feelings toward others without seeking retribution”.

And gave us the benefit of her "take" on it:

“I am forgiveness and love, and I move forward knowing the past does not impact on me or my future. Every ill feeling I have had is removed and replaced by acceptance and love.”

Its funny ! I can read the words, I know what they should mean but all I can actually hear is

"yew are alle eville fat ande jellus cowz, butte eye have orlandoe alle to myselfe nowe, ande eye havve his balles inne mye klampah so eyeve wone and yew have loste"

But she does have a final bit of advice we can all apply:

Have fun being positive guys

OK so my "Take" on that is that I'm going to have a lot of fun being absolutely positive that I think she is a skanky panty model flogging her shite to an unsuspecting public, and by the way I'm also absolutely positive that Pleasure Ureself makes for a better read than her offering AND has a much dirtier title too...

See I can do affirmations when I try!

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 6: A few practical aids

In the build up to my beautiful lard effect covered volume's release date (which I know you are all going to buy so that you and your families can Pleasure yourselves down the generations (hmm thats starting to sound rude....)) I have a few more practical aids for your consideration. In most cases these come into their own once you have put about 75% of your target weight on.

I Mentioned this yesterday but one of the best things you can do early on is to buy a stomach extender (such as our panty mantis was wearing yesterday in her "advert"). These are normally used by pregnant women to stop tummy droop as they get bigger but just think how well this adapts to the average fat n jellus cow. You will be piling on weight nice and fast thanks to my Lard diet and Ensurient Corpulence's All Original Lard Gel and weight put on fast tends to go to your tummy first before spreading out to a nice fat layer more evenly - you dont want a droopy tummy during this process now do you? Fat and Jellus is one thing, Fat and droopy is something COMPLETELY different, trust me!

The other thing I wanted to suggest for your consideration was a stair lift. Now I know that these are more normally used for the infirm (in fact my great auntie had one for a while) but they an also be a perfect addition to the house if you are fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself. You burn a lot of calories using stairs of any sort and there is no point in using up valuable fat if you dont have to.

One final thing: I need a model to model some of the Ensurient Corpulence range and associated products. Joders, Wanda! Are either of you game?

Monday, 1 November 2010

Our Mantis the Actress?

Well, Here is a good reason why whilst Orlando maybe able to break into the world of modelling, I very much doubt his "wife" is going to score her own blockbuster any time soon.

Being the magnanimous Hater that I am, I am going to start by giving props to her for doing it at all, there is no doubt its a serious issue that needs celebrity support (though I suspect that more of a celebrity might have had more of an impact.. but anyway)

I have one main suggestion though which I hope will be helpful to our aspiring mantis:
perhaps a bit less of an "all about me" style of delivery on something like this would be more appropriate in the future, an approach that demonstrates a more comprehensive understanding of the difference between modelling and acting?

Through most of that clip the mantis was pouting and looking like she was advertising stomach extenders (seriously useful if you are fat n jellus and dont want your stomach to drop - I'll get onto that later). I don't think I need to go into the rest of whats wrong with that do I? After all she has Orlando to help her on the delivery of words, though it is impressive that she's broken out of the more standard dingoese for this occasion!

For the record PM the above Photo of Orlando is the face you are trying to achieve when talking about serious illness and suffering, the pout doesn't work so well...

Speaking of which, thats the other shocking thing about this clip, the size of her stomach - is it me or has that baby (in her belly) had one hell of a growth spurt since we saw her being 'caught out' by her paps at LAX

Yes, I know (everyone join in!) FAT.... JELLUS..... ORLANDO ALL TO MYSELF!