Monday, 31 May 2010

Happy Bankholiday!

Its Monday and 90% of the UK have the day off, and from what I gather from friends in America they all have the day off too - so HAPPY BANKHOLIDAY / MEMORIAL DAY! :D

As per usual when Orlando is in the UK it goes very quiet, I'm glad that he seems to feel the UK is not a place for pimping! Long may that continue

In the meantime we've also had a bit more of an update about Albert Nobbs. I hadn't realised that this book / movie dealt with the issues of transgender / transexulism (sorry without reading the book I'm not sure which). Both are an interesting topic and one that society at large is only just coming to terms with and I can imagine its going to make for rather an interesting Movie.

OB's character sounds right up his street too - handyman/gardner with a pension for the ladies, LOL thats a role he's played a few times before on and off set I'm sure!

Moving on - The Katz lecture in New York is scheduled for the 4th of June too, Its being billed as 'Orlando Bloom opening up about his dyslexia", it will be interesting if he actually does. Something I learn't recently is that alot of dyslexics also can be dyspraxic (ie appearing clumsy, not quite in control of all their limbs) - I reckon I can actually see that on OB, the way he moves etc..... maybe it explains the amount of accidents he seems to have too, if that is the case then doing the gym / yoga etc will really help - it gives you much better control on your movements and a better awareness of your body!

Friday, 28 May 2010

Looking Forward

I thought it a good time to take a look forward to the next year for Orlando. Seeing him on the Red Carpet again with lots of people yelling at him reminded me of the good old days. It was also rather interesting proof that his "keeping out there' campaign by hauling his Panty Mantis round the world obviously has worked on some levels, the reception he got out on the carpet and in the Royal Festival Hall demonstrated people still knew who he is!!

So, in the next year he's apparently filming Albert Nobbs and the Three Musketeers. For once, I think both of these may have more than a snowballs chance in hell of getting released, particularly the last one. For anyone putting money on a movie there is a strong cast and as far as OB goes, he is in a role which he has proven ability at box office wise, Albert Nobbs I'm less sure about in terms of will it be released (though of course having Glenn Close in it is a big brucie bonus).

All ribbing of Orlando aside, it would be nice to see him making some kind of comeback, putting down less worthy distractions and getting back to being on the silver screen..

Its also nice to see him back in the UK again, he always seems to have
more gravitas and dignity on home ground (unlike someone else I could
mention, who seems to have even less dignity when she returns to Oz than
usual.. that really is an achievement).

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Pssst Orlando.....

.......You are meant to look at the camera being pointed at you by your patient fan, whose probably been waiting for that moment for a while, not the hired photographers.....

Orlando and the Half Blood Prince

Orlando was presenting at the NMA in London last night - Here he is on the red carpet looking rather sultry!

I saw a kind of irony in the fact he was giving an award to some of the cast from Harry Potter, I can remember OB responding to a question on LOTR v Harry Potter back in days and making some joke about who took who in the success stakes. For me if you put LOTR in comparison with pretty much any other movie, LOTR wins hands down. But whether its just because there are more movies being made or the immense popularity of JK Rowlings books, Daniel Radcliffe is still up there receiving awards for his work, OB only seems to be there to present them...

On thing that did strike me in the you tube clip is that OB is looking very grown up for once, though that may be because he's on a stage with someone that is for ever going to be stuck as the kid with the specs and the scar, however much he gets his bits out on stage (Sorry Daniel.... )

Let hope next year see's some of Orlando's movies in Cinemas and being acclaimed!

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Whats Wild and Hot?

Orlando with big hair! - Apparently back in London and apparently filming (though i don't know what he's filming...... none of his recent new projects should have started yet...)

Looks like he has a new haircut and beard trim though - much better! Plus the Jacket is kinda nice - though he must be a bit on the warm side, the temperature might of dropped from yesterday but its hardly coat weather!!

ETA: I was trying to work out how the Gossip Girls had got photos of him... but then it all became clear - Jared is evidently back on the payroll, just a bit slow at uploading! Rumour has it he's doing more Me & City ads (that would explain the new outfit!)

Monday, 24 May 2010

Bad Ass Orlando: Finally!!

Whoop whoop! Orlando has "officially" signed on to be the bad guy in this movie according to here (among other sources out there).

I'm well excited about this one, back to tights / boots and riding around but with the added bonus that he won't be sickly sweet and righteous! Yippeee!

Bad Ass Orlando is something I've been wanting to see on screen for a while, though of course whether it makes it onto screen is another point, c'mon OB, make this the one that gets through without a years delay and counting...

He's also due back in London apparently for the National Movie Awards on wednesday - always nice to have him back home.... and with a bit of luck that volcano will kick off again and keep him mantis free again for a bit!

So, to summarise both posts today

Orlando = new movie opportunity and trip to London
Panty Mantis = no movie opportunity, instead she's hocking bad advice to who ever will listen, modelling cheap underwear and getting her baps out - (yes that was particularly nasty, I'm stuck in an office again looking at the sunshine :()

Victoria Bl**dy Sekrits

Oh goodeee, another VS model that has decided to try and make her way into the world of acting..

The Panty Mantis must be a bit peeved though, recently the gossip sites have been in full throttle discussing which actress / knicker model will be in the running to take over from Megan Fox for the new Transformers came too about three or four, one of which was the Panty Mantis (another of which was Gemma Arterton).

Then low and behold, straight from left field, courtesy of Geek Week, came the news that Rosie Huntingdon-wawa had get the coveted spot....

One the one hand bleugh.... Models are not the same as actresses. Last time I checked you needed some training and skill to act (there is some cracking clip of our Mantis in a TV sitcom that proves that somewhere around - if anyone is able to link me up, I'd be ever so grateful, I could do with a laugh to start monday off..).

On the other hand, it could be extremely funny and what a shame our own pet mantis apparently didn't get the role.... I thought it was too good to be true..

arggggghh i HATE Victoria Bl**dy Sekrits, do they have some gadget in HQ that turns normal women into vapid airheads, prancing around in their badly made and overpriced underwear pretending to save the world???

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.. moving on -T
I also hear that the three Musketeers is mean't to start filming in August, so IF Orlando is on board - that would be mean him having a very busy summer what with Albert Nobbs in July.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - GET ONE OF THESE SUCKERS IN A MOVIE THEATRE Pleeeeease Orlando, otherwise we are going to be threatened with watching Victoria Sekrits models trying to demonstrate their "craft"...

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Genetically Blessed?

Ah Look! Its our genetically blessed couple privately going about their business.

Don't they look happy? And doesn't the Panty Mantis look genetically blessed indeed? I sure wish I looked like that. Still, its nice to see her brandishing a pot of salad dressing for lunch - maybe thats her 20% treat for the day?

The Panty Mantis has had a field day giving advice all over the place in preparation for her trip to Oz, sadly its not been very well received - most people seem to think she's spouting rose tinted shyte.....

They must all be fat'n'jellus - even the blokes!

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Shocking News

I know I know.... this blog is about Orlando - and here I am YET again putting something up about the Panty Mantis... but this is just too much for me to pass up, Apparently in the last few weeks she allegedly (as in according to her) seems to have grown more than one braincell.... translation (as usual) is in Bold:

MIRANDA Kerr puts personality ahead of good looks when it comes to guys.

Shouldn't that read "Panty Mantis puts famewhoring ahead of anything else when it comes to guys"

The Aussie supermodel — who’s currently dating British actor Orlando Bloom — says her ideal man would have a good sense of humor.

I don't know about that but I'll bet her ideal man would need a good sense of humour to laugh his way through all the painful PR set ups and proposal rumours; that and being hard of hearing to avoid her voice AND a padded body suit to avoid all the bones... (obviously feeling bytchy :D)

Also, I'm assuming that dating and contracting are interchangeable here?

“Personally, I believe that women need to be stimulated mentally by the man,” she told Britain’s GQ magazine. “It’s not necessarily about his looks.

ah yes - the nearly published author is coming to the fore, NOW she's "written" a book, she can only handle intellectually stimulating men....

“It’s more about being stimulated mentally, like when a man is funny or he is witty or charming, I think that’s attractive.

I take it she classes copious PR opportunities as being stimulated mentally.... see I was right, now she's nearly an author she's gone all academic and clever...

“It’s all about personality, really.”

Actions speak louder than words PM... it seems more to be about how enormous the bank balance is and how big the celebrity..

Miranda recently insisted she loves looking after her body, and would do so even if she wasn’t in fashion.

I'm taking it that by "in fashion" they mean "in lads mags"

“Regardless of whether I was doing this job or not I would be taking care of my body,” she said earlier this month.

Happily she also has a book on just this coming out at some undisclosed date... isn't that fortuitous!

“It’s something that I’ve always believed in growing up.

“We always ate organic vegetables. Taking care of my mind, body and soul is very important. Yoga is very good for me.”

yes we know... organic veg, 2 hrs of yoga a day, goji berrys, noni juice and 24/7 use of Kora...
sorry, i'm just really tired of this Shyte....(and fatnjellus obviously too!)

Basil the Beetle.....

This is cute and yet another perfect example of how Orlando manages to move through life under the radar when he's with people he cares about (!!). Apparently OB's mum wrote a kiddies book called Basil the Beetle's scary Adventure.... bless!

Very cute title, very cute Beetle name. In fact both are almost as cute as the photo of Orlando peering into Basil's home...

(Original Photo source)

Maybe Orlando is identifying with Basil, after all people always seem to describe being a celebrity as "living in a bit of a goldfish bowl" (though of course that depends on whether you call in the fishermen in the first place, but I've made that point before and this is meant to be a nice post!)

Its really nice to Sam there as well! His mum must of been a bit of a glamour puss when she was younger, she always seems to dress up for things

unlike her offspring....

I've given up on Orlando (he's Capricorn, so is my sister and neither of them seem to enjoy looking smart) but Sam should embrace her inner Leo! I've got a birthday a couple of days after hers and I consistently over dress for absolutely everything - I reckon its as all part of representing the Lion's mane :D

A rare sight?

The posters of this youtube video seem to think that this is a rare sight..... mind you they seem to think that its rare to see Orlando.

I'd disagree! he poses with his pap friends regularly, its just rare to see him turning up to something that involves work in the public domain..

C'mon Orlando - get one of these suckers out on general release... all I'm seeing of you is set ups with your pet Mantis and the odd hairy photos of you on your own - its hard to keep the faith you know?

It is nice to see him signing things for his fans again though.....

Wednesday, 19 May 2010


I must be slow on the uptake - is this guy hot or what .... Reminds me of a younger OB in fact... I'm seriously considering another blogspot that focuses on his overall hawtnesss... mind you, I doubt he manages to get up to Orlando's level of antics and he certainly isn't dating the Panty Mantis.... yet

Orlando, this is what you did to yourself...... you went from this pre-mantis:

to this post mantis:

Now admittedly there is a limit to what a Panty Mantis can do to a guy that is that good looking, but no-wonder he's trying to hide his phace in the last photo... on someone that genetically blessed, that photo is the equivalent of jaba the hut on the average person....

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Caption Time...

Orlando smiled happily at the waiting photographers.

"I may not have been able to manage a caption birds eye look" he thought, "and lawd knows I've tried, but I've definitely got more facial hair than the other two"

A Whole lotta Beard...

Obviously I don't pay attention to dates very closely.... apparently it was Jerry's Party last night...... Orlando was there looking rather cute.

What I also didn't realise is that they'd hold a competition for the best looking beard. Orlando made it through the elimination rounds

it all came down to a tie breaker apparently between OB and Jonathan Pryce,

Orlando WON! (though I'm not sure how, that beard has barely gravitated from Bum fluff whereas JP's working the whole captain birdseye look)

As part of his lap of honor he got to judge the caliber of beards in the audience and to identify a winner..

and here's the winner Harriet, 37 from West Brunswick:

Apparently she won beard trimming classes with Orlando (not that I'm jellus or anything but I'd say both of them could do with it..)

Monday, 17 May 2010

A Quiet couple of days

I've got very little to add on the Panty Mantis' recent PR blow out - other than she's back being Orlando Blooms Girlfriend - glad to see Mr. Kerr didn't last long!!!!

There really isn't much to post on regarding Orlando (though that gospel of truth had him in San Diego - apparently the tweeter was rather suprised to see the Panty mantis with her clothes on, I know just how she feels....)

One bit of news though: apparently the three Musketeers is apparently going to be produced in 3D (isn't everything these days....). I haven't ever seen a 3D film (i've always thought a new gimick...) but 3D Orlando has gotta be worth checking out...

Maybe OB is preparing for the Jerry B Fest in a week or so's time...

Friday, 14 May 2010

Treshure Urself: Release date (not) announced

Im sorry to do a completely 'unrelated to OB" post but this is just too exciting..

After years and years of breathless anticipation and media speculation it seems that Treshure Urself is going to be released later this year.

"It's been reported since 2007 that Victoria's Secret model and Orlando Bloom sweetheart Miranda Kerr is penning a self-esteem book for teenage girls. Though there is still no set release date, Elle reports the tome--titled "Treasure Yourself"--will be out later this year. The Aussie model told the magazine "It's about encouraging young women to embrace their individuality....You may think it's easy for me to say, but we all have insecurities. It's important, as women, to get past all of that and let our talents shine."

(source: Huffington Post)

I'm so excited about this, my meaningless life is about to be given a second chance! Maybe she will be able to tell me how to be less fat'n'jellus, perhaps she will give me some rousing words on how women don't need to bend to the male ideal of sexy, maybe she will give me some tips on posing naked.... the possibilities are endless

sadly some even more fat'n'jellus people are less excited about this literary achievement than I..... I thought a whistle stop tour of some of the comments may be in order:

"Does treasuring yourself include starving yourself and smoking? Because Kerr has done both.

Oh dear, the writer is obviously fat'n'jellus and doesn't appreciate true beauty when he/she sees it.. lets continue shall we?

"Does she know writing? I think her book will have only pictures, very easy to be read by top models."

In fairness this commenter may have a point - her grasp of spoken english isn't good, it tends to be a mixed in with dingoese.

"I heard this book ‘Treasure Yourself” coming out since 2007…..

It’s now 2010….."

This cruel poster obviously doesn't realise that when one is living the lyfe and provin twu luuurve with Orelandoe one doesn't have much time to chivvy the actually writer of this manual of life along....

Happily people have also come out in defense of this latest enterprise:

Do you really want to insult a young woman who is trying to make a healthy change in the lives of teenaged girls?
You must be true haters if that is what you doing.
Shame on you."

I know - shame on all of us that are just fat'n'jellus.. Don't worry I'm sure Karma will come bite US in the ass someday.....

Still, at least Orlando looks happy - he's probably reckoning that if she can get this book out she'll be famous enough on her own and he'll be able to run away!

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Happiness is....

...Finding yourself in the midst of a group of close friends (with cameras) after an extended period out of the spotlight!

(isn't it nice to see Orlando and the paparazzi from Just Jared reunited - but at least OB has located his hair gel again!)

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

The Definition of "wrong"

Two posts in one day..... it must be busy in Orlando-land. I'm going to skim over the Panty Mantis latest attempts to look miserable, stick her ass out and try and sell cheap underwear. I'm also going to studiously ignore her most recent attempts to "break" into high fashion (and no, i doubt count the couple of shows she done has her breaking into anywhere).

Instead I thought it would be worth my lunch break just looking at another kind of break in - and more specifically how this Really Wild chick can possible think she did nothing wrong

According to E-Online Alexis Neiers is now saying she didn't do anything wrong?/ lets investigate shall we?

As usual commentary is in Bold

"I didn't do anything wrong," the Pretty Wild reality starlet insists to E! News of her role in the burglary of Orlando Bloom's home.

Funny, I'd call breaking into someone's home, loading up your suitcases and running off "doing something wrong" - its theft isnt it?

In fact, Neiers says she was so confident in her innocence that she had every intention of fighting the allegations during her trial, only to derail her name-clearing crusade at the last minute by agreeing to enter a no-contest plea.

So what happened?

Perhaps she realised that she was a bit delusional in thinking there was nothing wrong in robbery in the first place?

"I thought we were going to trial and we had a great shot at this," she said. "I had been so confident because I had thought up until this point that I didn't do anything wrong."

What has she been taught as a child... i would of thought its fairly simple. If it doesn't belong to you - taking it is wrong.. argggghhhh

As for what piece of information led to her flip-flop, Neiers isn't saying, though last week's word that Bloom planned to face off against her in court wasn't the best news she's ever received.

"I think the fact that Orlando Bloom [would testify], and the weight of a celeb testifying against Alexis, made us realize the odds were stacked against us," her lawyer, Jeffrey Rubenstein, said yesterday. "This was a last-minute decision. We were ready for trial."

So the fact that Orlando was going to turn up and also point out that she was wrong put her off did it? Orlando, there is a new career for you - if you have that effect on every defendant there isn't a prosecution team in the country that won't want you!

Whether or not it was the potential showdown with the Lord of the Rings star, Neiers does acknowledge there was "one deciding factor" that proved a game changer.

"The table turned instantly. I knew if I went to trial my chances would be slim. I feel like I've been fighting for so long, to give up would be the hardest decision."

Nope, I'm still on the fact you don't think robbing someone's house is doing anything wrong...

But give up she finally did, agreeing to a plea deal that included a six-month jail sentence, three years' probation and restitution of up to $600,000. If she had been convicted of the felony rap, she would have faced up to six years in state prison.

6 months in jail.... is that it??? still at least it looks like she'll have to pay damages...

With her trial now unnecessary, the 18-year-old no longer has plans to defend herself.

"No one knows my truth, no one knows my side of the story yet," she said. "I've made the decision not to release it. I made the decision that, yes, if I went to trial, that I would go there and go hard and share my truth.

I imagine that how much she shares on her side of the story will be directly proportional to the figure she can get on her exclusive story, still she can use that to recoup losses after having to pay OB back..

"Facing six years is a scary thing, but I knew my truth, I knew I would fight for it. Unfortunately, I didn't have that opportunity, and I had to make the best decision for myself."

Neiers said she's only ever wanted to help people.

Ahhhh now i get it, she's some kind of reality Robin Hood, robbing the rich to give to the errrr also, actually I dont get it - I imagine thats the kind of help Orlando could of done without .....

"My goal, from day one…It's hard. It's hard. I feel like at the end of the day, my only intention ever was to help. It's been my intention through all of this."

As for Neiers' future, or at least her future up to June 24, when she will begin her jail sentence, she said she will use her story to educate any would-be celeb burglars as to the error of their ways.

arggh I can't go on - someone please tell me she's having a joke with the above...

(Originally published May 11, 2010, at 12:58 p.m. PT)


The recent photos of Orlando strolling around LA with that Rat-tastic Yorkie had me in two minds..

On the one hand he's looking pretty trim, he's in normal jeans (that look clean), there is no hint of that green t-shirt and he's smiling with undisguised joy that his fav. paparazzo's from Jared are back taking his picture. (OB smiling is always nice)

On the other hand from the neck up its hard to link him that good looking man from "The Good Doctor" poster of yesterday.

I'm wondering if he's thinking that if he gets progressively more hairy he will eventually not only have his own portable disguise for Mantis avoiding, but he will also be able to audition for future roles as Thing of the Adams family without the need for makeup...

Bless him, I think he's being a bit shortsighted on both counts, he's far too tall for Thing (Tom Cruise, for example, would have a much better chance) and there is no way the Mantis will let him out of her clutches for long enough for him to complete the transformation...

One more thing: Isn't it funny how we have weeks of the odd twitter about him here and there, he even supported the launch of his Mum's new childrens books all without the intrusion of the press. The minute he gets anywhere near our Mantis, he's out being snapped again... Maybe he needed to reduce his outgoings....

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

The Good Doctor and the Three Musketeers

All I can say to the above is Nice One OB! he looks very cute here and I'm trying very hard not to pull out all my doctor and nurses jokes........ So I wonder if this means that there is a possibility of this movie seeing the light of day, I hope so... its been a while.

Also according to here he is being considered for the Duke of Buckingham in a new version of the Three Musketeers. Obviously its very early days but I'd like to see him in an evil role (in fact the Good Doctor isn't so good either), he's done far too much of being the doe eyed hero, my favourite part of all the POTC films was when he started double crossing jack and looking evil..

he must just look hotter than way !

actually i just want SOMETHING to come out, even if it is on DVD and even (and I never thought I'd say this) if he does look like some ageing rocker - its been that long that I'll take anything... actually not anything - I'd draw the line at welcoming a movie starring OB and the Panty Mantis, all though, would that be so bad it would be an unintentional comedy a la Arnie? Hmm ok - scrub that - I'll take anything with OB in it :D

Monday, 10 May 2010

A another translation .....

Ooooh I've been waiting to get my hands on this all day : no seriously I have - this is better than champagne, chocolates and strawberries all rolled into one..... Finally the translated version of the article from "Famous" is released.... ready?? (as usual what is actually meant is in bold :))



When Orlando Bloom took Miranda Kerr off on a whirlwind trip to Paris she knew she was in for a romantic getaway .

If by romantic getaway, they mean full on pap fest to make sure our fav. couple remain relevant, then fair enough... somehow i don't think they do .....

But the stunning Aussie model got more than she bargained for when her chivalrous beau of three years dropped to one knee in a Paris park - and proposed

Ahhhhh here we are Ground Hog day 157, isn't it great how you can see it coming... i refer you back to the draft proposal for how to manage such events..

The joyful moment - captured on film by a nearby photographer occured while Orlando and Miranda were taking in the local sights and stopped to sit on the edge of a fountain.

Paparazzi in attendence? oh surely not... what a coincidence.... maybe they will get further with it this time, they've never had the whole thing captured on camera before now...

As a relaxed and oblivious Miranda, 27, gazed at the pretty surroundings, a nervous looking Orlando , suddenly slipped down on one knee before whispering something to his his girlfriend.

Relaxed and oblivious? Try looking around for where the photographers were....

A surprised Miranda paused for a second, staring into the distance, seemingly stunned.

yes, it must be hard to spot paps you haven't actually used before...

As an apparently anxious Orlando, 33, appeared to softly repeat his request, she turned to him and smiled.

Ah i see, poor bastard had his bollocks in her nutcracker again - the fact he turned up was enough to see Baste and Sidi safe, but not enough to save his balls... and her smile must of mean't she'd spotted the photog!

Reveals one bystander, "I'm not sure what he said, but I heard her response pretty clearly. She said 'Yes! Yes!' - she was beaming!"

(what he actually said is "you are always going to own me, my bollocks and my dignity arent you?")

With the tension broken, a thrilled Orlando clasped Miranda's shoulders joyfully before pulling her into a hug

Orlando, when will you learn.... she may look puny and stick like, but she isn't named after a praying mantis for nothing, those things are dangerous

The excited pair then stood up and kissed passionately, embracing for almost 10 minutes before continuing their stroll.

I'm sure they did, after all the photos with the guy with his head in his hands, the photos of OB having a public breakdown etc etc are hardly condusive to this happy occasion, much better keep on going to see if you can improve the shoot.

Friends of the model say it's just the kind of simple intimate proposal down-to-earth Miranda would have wanted.

Yep, thats my definition of Down to earth: Orlando, the Panty Mantis and three assorted photographers and reporters.... how intimate....

"She's a laid back girl . Something simple and romantic is her style, rather than a big elaborate production," says a friend of the model.

(Joders there is no-where else to go with this but what you said, i defer to your superior skills!)

It goes on to say:

The proposal has been "a long time coming" says another source close to the loved up pair.

um this proposal has been announced so many times, not least by "famous" it hardly be described as a long time coming, more like its come many times....

"They've definitely had their share of ups and downs, but they're still committed to each other," the source continues.

Yes .... if committed is the same as a PR contract lol

Those ups and downs included rumours of a falling out after Miranda was caught leaving a nightclub with Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill last September, and the release of her ex-boyfriend Adrian Camilleri from prison earlier this year.

Good times good times!

Pals say Orlando was keen to propose before he leaves for the lengthy press tour of his latest film, Sympathy for Delicious, and Miranda heads back to LA.

huh?? SFD is finally making out into Cinemas - hallelujah, we might actually have something work based to talk about in relation to Orlando....

Ground Hog Day.. Formal Procedure (draft)

Hold onto your lugnuts everyone, it seems both Joders and I have supernatural powers......

I always knew both of us were super talented and special but it seems we have honed our skills to such an extent that we are now able to accurately predict engagement rumours between Orlando and his Panty Mantis.

I can hear all the gasps of shock around the globe as engagement announcement 157 hits the worlds press (or not as the case may be). Even more surprising is that it is (again) corresponding with a the Panty Mantis' plans to return to Oz, they aren't ones for messing with a plan of action are they? Anyway, I thought I'd be helpful and actually write it down as a procedure for them, so they can just cut n paste the next time they want to initiate...

Panty Mantis: Engagement Procedure (draft)
This procedure should be initiated approximately 1 month before any trip to Australia. It must be used if Orlando cannot be persuaded by money or by putting his balls in a nut cracker; its optional but still advised if he is also accompanying the PM to her home.
1) Fly into one of the capital cities of the world (ideally Europe, the public perceive them as more romantic)
2) Make sure that Orlando is actually there (this will not work without him being in the same city)
3) Confirm your hotel and plan for the day with the paparazzi from your favourite celeb blogger.
4) Walk around and try and look like you like each other, if all else fails go for the "over the top" approach, its better than looking like you are both attending a funeral
5) Ideally persuade Orlando to stay in the city with you more than 24 hours, if this is not possible, try and plant the idea of ring shopping on the net, or even better, wear a piece of your own jewelry on one hand or the other and try and flash it at the paps.
6) Contact your favourite papers in Oz (and of course your celeb blogger) and anonymously contact them as a "source" to say that you are finally engaged. N.B it is not advisable to use your brother for this, when it eventually gets out its rubbish you will look stupid and so will he.

Note of Warning: Orlando's people have a habit of rather abruptly denying these rumours, either see if you can get a deal in advance with his PR agency or failing that you will just need advance warning of when this is happening so you can get in there first.

Repeat as needed.

There, I hope thats helpful as a start!

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Alls well that ends well.

The Panty Mantis smiled happily as she contemplated the success of her cunning plan.

"Orlandoe" she said "aarnt yew pleezed yew saved ur coszin and ur dowg? And looke owr freindz the paps aar happie too! nowe just give meee ur balls back so eye can store them wear theye belong."

Orlando sighed deeply and thought: here we go again, not only does this puffy nightmare on sticks have my balls, but she also now knows that British air space is open, I wonder what it takes to make that volcano errupt again? Still, at least i managed to get a little something from Dior for Viggo!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Courtroom Drama?

Orlando sadly hasn't just signed up to take a starring role in Perry Mason: the younger, thinner and better looking version!

According to numerous sources on the net this morning, Orli is due to testify next week against the gang that robbed him along with La Lohan and other hollywooders.

I started off by feeling a little conflicted by this: One the one hand Orlando in a courtroom is kind of hot (see above) - my imagination has obviously got carried away in a wild flight of fancy and imagined that he may turn up having had a shave and being in something other than THAT green t-shirt. In fact looking like he did for Extras... nice!

On the other hand, hot or not, I can't help wondering what evidence is he planning to give! He wasn't there at the time of the robbery, he was busy in New York attending to his pet panty mantis, is he going to give them a list of whats been nicked? If he already knew the robbers, I guess he could say that - but I still cant see why the courtroom would need to hear that from him personally, I'm sure he's given copious witness statements already plus none of the other celebs seem to be appearing courtroom side.

Then the penny dropped...(and you'll forgive me for being a bit slow, it was rather a late night last night) Of course, the publicity!

Orlando has been appearing on google alerts for two main reasons recently: His misguided attempts to play nicely with his panty mantis in various capital cities of the world and the fact his house and his watch collected were robbed.

Considering we've just had rumour 157 about our happy couple getting engaged, he's obviously worked out how to capitalise on the first one. This witness appearance is obviously his idea for capitalising on the second..

I say "Go Orlando" - this courtroom thing is infinitely preferable to dragging yourself round Paris in front of a team of photographers looking like you having a public breakdown all in the name of 'twu luuuuurve"

Friday, 7 May 2010

Well hung?

you'll forgive me for heading off reservation a bit for a moment (no, not about the only bit of Orlando we have yet to see photographically) to touch briefly on the UK elections.

For those of you not aware, we were all voting yesterday to decide who would govern the UK next, and the result looks as if it is hung.... but is it well hung?

I guess its all down to what they all do now in terms of who will work with who, how much and on what... one things for sure though - it will be interesting to us Brits in the days in the ahead..

Moving back on reservation - isn't it funny how OB didn't get involved in the UK elections at all... to be fair to him, there is a lot less celebrity thrust over here but never the less celebs have been getting involved with various party campaigns.... seeing as OB was up there publicly supporting Obama, I'd expected him to be more involved in ones that actually effect him..

Well, actually I'm not surprised at all - the nice side of me would say that he didn't want his personal political views known general (which is totally fair enough and I'd agree with him)

The nasty side of me would say that there just wasn't enough of a PR opportunity for him to make it worth his hardly would of taken much effort on his part - he could have probably used the same T-shirt too....

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Blind Item...

One of my compadres on a different site pointed out this blind item.

"This movie actor is B list although he definitely has A++ name recognition. Young. Not some faded A lister who is now B. Our actor has been in some of the biggest hits of all time. Anyway, although our actor considers himself heterosexual and he has had a very famous, very public heterosexual romance, he told someone the other day that "if you get orally serviced by a guy, it doesn't mean you are gay. In fact, I just had a guy I have known for a while do that to me last week."

How interesting and of course a lot of the guesses are Orlando for this one apparently...

Moving on to a totally unrelated matter of course, isn't it nice that Orlando has known Viggo for quite a while


Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Lights... Camera.... action

Aren't we lucky, we get a "take two" scenario of the happy couple (and don't they look ecstatic in these - if only i look this happy with my twu lurve). I think its a good move - those first ones were blimming awful and Orlando is a perfectionist acting wise as I understand it, its only to be expected that he'd seek to have another go at these

Now some would say that of course its fairly obvious why the pap fest has been called in Paris at this particular time -
those cruel and fatnjellus people would claim that as the Panty Mantis was noticeable only by her absence at the MET do in New York, it stands to reason that some serious distraction was in order to deflect attention from her lack of invite... and of course the cruelest amongst them could point out his lack of bother about her recent birthday (dust cloud or no dust cloud, that was one hell of a lot of luggage or a brief sojourn....)

But not me! I'm a nice fat'n'jellus girl...I'm sure she was working in Paris... no really .... (after all she was probably the only sooopa model left in paris after the rest of them had jetted off to the Met gala...) sorry, that just slipped out

And I get my rewards for being so understanding! With, no doubt, EVEN more pap sessions in various European capitals.... dressing like hobo's, proving the love and living the life...

Three cheers for blimmin awful set ups and their second takes!!

Monday, 3 May 2010

A Post Script: Caption time

The Beautiful couple....

A shocked bystander cannot believe that Orlando Bloom's acting talent has sunk further than Elizabethtown..

(yes, yes, I'm fatnjellus and probably a bit cruel, but there was just too much choice for one post....)

Attention: Normal Service Resumes....

Damn... Orlando is in a bad way in these shots, it appears his ruse to avoid the panty mantis by milking the volcano has failed... and he's in a bad way!

Admittedly he looks a bit like a hobo, but thats no excuse for cruelty. Not only has she has probably locked his cousin and his dog away in a dark dungeon somewhere (never to see the light of day again I'll bet) but she has been photographed looking as if she is torturing poor Orlando. Look at the way she is holding his head, the agony on his face, my heart goes out to him.

I'm sorry the above photo may be painful to watch to some of the more squeamish amongst you, but its important that you are aware of the serious harm that can be inflicted by all breeds of panty mantis (though admittedly the australian variety is particularly dangerous)

I shall shortly be posting a link so that we can all sign the "free Orlando" petition in the hope of getting the British government (whoever they may be at the time) to put pressure on an international scale for the release of Orlando from such inhumane conditions.....

(Ok obviously this is not torture in the old skool sense of the word, though i still reckon one could argue for mental torture....poor b*stard - everytime he gets some time away from his pap mates, he is made to pay the minute are ageing mantis is back in town - one might almost think it was a publicity stunt...)

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Back in the days...

Good on Orlando, it seems he's taking the flight ban thing to the max as an excuse to stay in the UK - It was good advice if i say so myself! If he keeps it up for long enough, the dust cloud might return..... failing that he could periodically text her pictures of volcanoes erupting and say "sorry babe, there goes another one! I'll be a while yet"

Poor Baste and Sidi though, last time we saw them the Panty Mantis was holding them hostage and sending threats over the net..... my thoughts are with them both. Perhaps we should organise a crack team to get in there and rescue them - i imagine after a week or so of Goji Berries and noni juice both are dangerously close to cracking...

Unfortunately though there is always a pay off in life, no mantis presence tends to equal a very quiet Orlando! You know, the kind of PR level you would expect from someone who is seeking to keep hold of a private life. I'm happy he manages this at least some of the time...

and it does give those of us that are both fat 'n' jellus time to reflect on times past, times when OB's movies made it the cinema without a 4 year gap and counting, times when OB seem to not only know the location of his bathroom but know how to use it, times when his washing machine was plumbed in and his sister pushed him into new outfits - lets hope that's exactly what she's doing now... there I knew I'd be able to sew this up to justify another "old school' photo :D

(and for those of you in the UK - Happy bank holiday - even if the weather is looking decidedly dodgy!)