Friday, 31 December 2010

Happy New Year Fatties!

May 2011 be on that is full of tubs of lard, endless gorging and significant weight gain (I'll be giving some advice on how to survive the january diet season in the next post).

May you develop your jealousy of those who are lyving the lyfe more effectively and feel green with envy more frequently

And may you intensive your overwhelming desires to have Orlando all to yourselves!

Happy new year fatties and may you enjoy this evening, wedged in your favourite chair in your specially adapted kitchen, all on your own, stuffing your face!

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

To pap or not to Pap

It seems to me that if you dont want the paparazzi around you - its probably not the best idea in the world to have them on one of your speeddial numbers on your "wifes" phone...

sadly it seems Orlando has missed that trick and had to resort to approach 2: having a strop and grabbing the camera off the unlucky pap.....

They seemed to have made up (OB and the Paps) later on though - as he was "caught" out on a cycling trip with a couple of friends courtesy of JJ

Who said damage control was history!

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Goodbye 2010 (PM Style...)

I was feeling a bit of the post Christmas Blues so I thought I'd mosey on over to Panty Mantis Central to see if she had anything that would cheer me up...and she did - a special Farewell 2010 post! Lets have a look shall we?

Apart from being full of the normal PM rubbish... it ended up with a serious of... you've guessed it... positive affirmations. I thought it would be a good idea to translate them into Fat'n'Jellus...

May you take from 2010 whatever has served you. (ok PM, we'll take your offerings for 2010 - they've "served" us extremely well in the humour stakes)

May you leave in the past anything that has not served you or will not serve you in the future. (to be fair i'm less sure on this one - Im not a person who turns down a good laugh when it comes along)

May you find peace, acceptance and happiness in “being” you. (Totally down with this one - I'm peaceful, accepted and happy being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself)

May you find grace, joy and contentment and may you learn to love yourself so that you can love others fully. (is this a shoutout?)

May you be slow to anger or resent and free from guilt or shame. (ah No! THIS is the shoutout!!)

May you experience with each breath just how incredible you really are. (yes yes, I'm incredibly fat - got that one!)

May you love unconditionally. (as hard as I've tried in 2010 I doubt i'm going to get to a stage where I'm going to be loving the PM unconditionally in 2011)

May you let go of hatred or animosity towards others and instead offer compassion, understanding and acceptance. (two shoutouts in one offering from the PM... it must be christmas!)

May you experience the fullness of life, create your life daily and be who you came on this earth to be. (a brief reminder she lyving the lyfe, just in case we'd forgotten )

May you open your wings and fly……(if only you would PM... far far away.....)

Monday, 27 December 2010

Happy Christmas Fatties

Yes, I know this is a day or two late..... I'm sorry to admit that I fell off the wagon and momentarily gained a life that took me away from super adapted kitchen (with its computer) and out into the wide world!

(I'm rather ashamed actually - even the Panty Mantis, busy as she is "lyving the lyfe" with the little one (in her belly) managed to find a few occasions to communicate with random people on facebook close online friends to share her joy at having Poor Orlando (obviously restrained) and her family round her)

Panic not though, this blip was short lived, I'm not sequestered safely back through my widened doors and munching on some festive lard in a bid to undo the damage!

Just a short entry today really just to offer some words of encouragement to those fatties who have struggled through Christmas with family and friends that dont understand that while a diet of 4000 calories a day is the result of Christmas excess for the non fat n jellus, this is about half the amount of calories the truly committed fat'n 'jellus person would hope to consume per day right through the year..

don't worry , you may have had a blip in the last couple of days, but just add additional lard to absolutely everything (obviously on top of your all original lard gel allocation) and you'll soon make up the energy shortfall

Just take some inspiration from Father Christmas - after all he's one of the truly original fatties of the world (though whether he's jellus and wants Orlando all to himself, I couldnt say)

Friday, 24 December 2010

Hold the Press the Mantis said something intelligent!!!!

There! that caught your attention didnt it? - Obviously she hasnt that would be the equivalent of the earth becoming the sky but I thought it was an arresting headline :D

I couldnt decide whether to post the latest and even hotter picture of Orlando as "The Boss" or Orlando in the rain, unhappily caught yet again by those evil paparazzi looking like the model out of the timotei advert...

It probably doesnt matter which since Orlando is so much better at modelling than his "wife" that neither are exactly hard on the eye..

I have to say I've lost the will to live in relation to the Panty Mantis at the moment - i'm sure i'll manage to raise some interest once the little one (in her belly) comes along - she's bound to do something stupid ....

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Cover Girl

I though you would all like to see the cover shot of me on the Lard information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" - dont I look pretty!!

Sunday, 19 December 2010

A Hot Boss

Its not often you can say those two words in the same sentence... but when it comes to OB's Boss adverts you certainly can!and yet again Orlando shows how much better he is at modelling than his "wife"

A Truly international Treashureing!

Oh what an auspicious day! I thought the sight of Orlando looking hawt in his Hugo Boss advert would be the pinnacle of this weekend but I hadnt banked on the Panty Mantis..

Not content with the international success of Treashure Ureself and the fact that by some miracle unexplained to man Vogue decided to add it to their best sellers list (actually that is fairly easily explained - Vogue got the breaking news about Baby Bloom and I imagine their decision to add it to the best sellers list was part of the deal, but thats probably just my F and J mind).

We are, this morning, privy to information that the Panty Mantis has set about translating Treashure UReself into other languages, starting (of course) with Dingoese.

Panty Mantis, firstly may I offer my services for this happy task? I am actually pretty fluent in Dingoese and also fairly competent in French and German. My Russian is very basic but I'm sure if you ask Orlando he should have some Russian contacts that can assist you with that.

OF course, as Treashure Ureself's chief competitor Pleasure Ureself will also shortly be being released in 9 different languages. We too are on the best sellers list of the Lard Information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" (in fact I'm going to be doing a cover shoot - but more on that anon) and I think I would be depriving the world of one of its brightest ornaments if I didnt make it more universally accessible....

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Has Anyone seen my Dress?

Oh Dear oh dear.... the poor panty mantis, my heart goes out to her - still no sign of her lost luggage or her dress she had flown in for her "surprise wedding" - shame on you American Airlines! Must you really have a form completed with meaningless details before you start looking? Don't you know you are dealing with?

Look, she's really upset:

(From her FB) Thank you so much hon, I will definitely contact them. No sign of my bag or dress, but nevermind, let's hope it will turn up xxx Miranda

I hope she appreciates my help on this enough to help me with another small query I have..... this is also an extract from her FB (courteously provided by the girls at Delphi)

" Honey, did you mean the baby was actually having his hair coloured at a salon or something?
you what now? a baby having its hair coloured at a hair salon? I'm highly

I would never colour my hair while pregnant good good and if I do colour my hair I try to ensure it is as natural and as healthy as possible
hang on so you dont do and if you do it its completely (and unsurprisingly) natural - my head hurts! lots of love Miranda xxx

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Can't be a**ed

I was going to follow on from Orlando's Christmas joke to us all with an update on what the Panty Mantis has been polluting the atmosphere with recently on her blog....

I could of picked out the fact she's now posted up a link to her "homemade" granola topped with Goat..... or the fact that her product range has finally got its Eco-Cert months after she first said it had...... or that one of her team has some fabulous advice about how fathers change when their other halves get pregnant (In case you are wondering , strangely ORlando does not seem to be fitting into this profile very well...)

but actually, I cant be bothered to summon enough enthusiasm to do it today...

instead I'm going to settle in under my Duvet, in my specially adapted kitchen and consume ten tubs of lard....

At least Orlando knows how to get a reaction!

Dear Orlando,

I know that you and I havent always seen eye to eye on some of your choices in life - If I'm honest I would have much preferred that had done An Education, I can't help feeling that that was the start of your decent into "the wife from hell" scenario that you now find yourself in.

The whole subject of your choice of pap mate is one that causes me great pain both visually and orally. She is akin to a embodied and visual version of the bubonic plague of our times.

The thing that gets me the most though on this occasion, and its neither your career or your "private" life, is your choice of clothing:

Dressed up - generally no problem, in fact I'd go as far to as to say that you can look extremely debonair when you try
Hanging out in shops - slightly too much green t-shirt, but we've been there and we've got through that crisis

Why oh why then have you decided to do THIS to me....

What are those things covering your upper leg - do they even sell them on planet earth?

I've got no problem with your skinny guy legs but those shorts are hurting my eyes more than the sight of your wife idiotically grinning and trying to form comprehensible sentences. I seem to not even be able to register that you took a slash at the side of the road and the photos of that are now circulating the globe...

nothing you have ever done in your entire life offends me more than those shorts....

Ive nothing more to say to you right now, i hope you will reflect on what you've done

Yours, in horror

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Just when you thought I'd forgotten!

I happened on the Whora Blog again and guess what i found? The antithesis of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus advice on building yourself up to ensure you are a true fatty....

Having read through the offering here - I think we can turn this advice back round to something useful though, after all they seem to feel little need to reinvent the wheel and I am off the same mind:

Do you find yourself saying that you will only like yourself when you reach that perfect weight? Studies show that you need plenty of confidence in yourself in order to successfully gain weight. This is because you need to trust that you’ll stick with an eating and exercise plan; without this belief you’ll end up saying, “What’s the use?” and give up. Unless you like yourself, it’s impossible to have any trust, faith, or confidence in yourself.

You see, that was easy, I only needed to change one word to make that work for the community of fat'n'jellus people.... As you guessed, there are also some positive affirmations to help you on your way - so I thought I'd give you my "take" on them

I feel good about who I am
i have put a hell of a lot of effort into being fat'n'jellus and am proud of my success
I am a lovable person, and others are attracted to me
I am fabulously fat and know of many places where the people only like you if you are enormous
I achieve success in whatever I do
my ever-growing bulk is confirmation of how successful I am being
I deserve happiness
I deserve that extra tub of lard
I have the right to change my life to suit my personal needs
I am all wise and all knowing and excellent at consuming lard
I choose to make myself happy
I choose to make myself fat and as jellus as possible
Today, I’m taking steps towards a happier life
Today, I'm taking steps towards a fat and jellus life
I love myself
I love being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself

there you go guys, I hope you found that helpful

Monday, 13 December 2010

Its snowing thick and fast

I think its lovely how the Panty Mantis has chosen to get into season spirit by "snowing" us with paparazzi shots! She may look like a grinning nincompoop in all of them but thats a small sacrifice one has to pay for the pleasure of being innundated with photographs of her lyvinge the lyfe...

To be honest they all look the same to me - same idiotic grin, same geographical position in relation to Orlando, same outfit on the pair of them...

More interestingly there a Video has surfaced of OB on the set of the 3 Musketeers..... apparently that Hairdo is a Pompadour hairdo?!?!?!?

Well, what ever that is I'm taking it that that means Biiiiig Hair - to be honest I'd call it more of an afro ..... but what would I know!

(video is here btw - he looks like he's having fun!)

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Not Again!

Seriously... exactly how many shots do we need in one week of one or both of our "happy" couple out and about? In this instalment Orlando is back (and brandishing that Green T-shirt again) stopping those evul paparazzi from snapping the Mantis' little one (in her belly)

To be honest both of them need to practice some new moves. Orlando's sole reaction to paparazzi at the moment seems to be putting his hand over her ginormous belly and trying to look protective.... mind you, it must be hard to come up with a different reaction when you are doing a new shoot pretty much every day and you have to take into account the material he's working with!

Lets be honest! Her modus operandi in front of those evul paparazzi hasnt changed for years - that happy idiotic grin when she seems them (where you can almost hear her voice going "yeeeewheeeew paparazzie eye'm hear againe" ) is firmly in place whether or not she has a little one (in her belly)

Actually I'm probably being unecessarily hard on them both - maybe she just has the worst case of Wind known to man and Orlando keeps on touching her stomach in a vain attempt to get her to release her gas before she gets into the car and asphyxiates him...

Yes that must be it! and it would explain why poor OB seems to do the same move whenever they are out doing together at the moment...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Poor sod!

(oh and OB I've started up my green shirt tracker again - lets not go back to what happened last time that one was out and about ...)

Friday, 10 December 2010

It really is a Pappy Christmas

Though thankfully the latest round of set ups only has Orlando in them and not our preggers Mantis... i imagine Orlando's ability to perform stunts would be seriously compromised with that on the back of his bike!

The mean buggers at X17 wont let me post the pictures so the link is here and the pretty is by way of an alternative

Excitingly (and also as R pointed out probably the reason for the profusion of paparazzi photos in the last few days) Orlando is also rumored to be reprising his Leggy Role

i dont think I'm quite in a minority of one on this one (though the reception has not been universally overwhelming) but for me its a big case of woooooohooooooooo!

(I was far more focused on Viggo in the first three, I'm hoping I can refocus for this one :D)

Thursday, 9 December 2010

What REALLY happened at the Staples Centre

PANTY MANTIS: coooeeeee! eyem hear freindz, doynt eye looke lovelee! Eye'm notte sure whate Orlandoe is laffinge aboute butte nevah minde, for once he lookes lyke hes havinge fun while eye'm arounde

ORLANDO:Oh God Baste, I think I'm finally loosing it - how much longer do I have to be in the same airspace as her. Look! My brains so shot to shit that I can't do my jacket up and I keep bursting out with bouts of uncontrollable hysteria!

SEBASTIAN: Dude! Pull yourself together. If you're going to have a breakdown the Staples Centre Car Park is not the place for it. If its got to the stage where you cant even get your jumper done up we really do have a problem.... (thinks: Oh god, my poor poor cousin, I need to get him some help and fast)

OTHER GUYS: OK so Orlando Bloom is laughing, do you think its now that his 'wife's' going to get her titties out?

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Finally! Proof...

... proof that the panty mantis has done something nasty to Orlando's man globes, Just look at the way he's sitting on his bike with his yoga mat and tell me a guy could do that with his bollocks intact and in the correct position on his physique?

In more work related news rumour has it that the Good Doctor isn't listed at Sundance this year. Thats a shame..... thats one of the last times in recent living memory that I recall OB looking relaxed and happy. I wonder if this one will make the light of day - its another OB Film that I liked the sound of....

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Pappy Christmas Everyone

After weeks of successful hiding out safely away from those pesky paparazzi - our happy couple have sadly had their privacy invaded yet again by those evul paps..

Luckily the paparazzi haven't yet managed to excercise their dastardly plan to photograph Orlando and the Panty Mantis away from their standard scenarios of either sitting at a cafe or involving Orlando's motorbike. God forbid they get caught out in a different scenario, I think we'd all die of shock!

with the imminent arrival of the "chosen one", I bet it will be a Pappy Christmas for Dr and Mrs Panty mantis....

Still one can hold on the vain hope that Orlando will get his balls back in his Christmas Stocking along with the Mantis' Little one (in her belly)

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Book the Mantis!

I knew Live in my skin was good but I didnt realise that that it was going to give the means to book our panty mantis for various parties and product launches for future products from the ensurient corpulence range..

apparently its really really easy! All you have to do is click here

They even have a full biography to give YOU ideas on how you can use the Panty Mantis at your corporate event too - lets take a look shall we?

One of the leading celebrity booking agencies and celebrity marketing agencies in the country, CelebrityTalentPromotions provides information about the Panty Mantis' accomplishments (by this I imagine they mean getting nekkid?), achievements (????), corporate appearances (ah yes with you again: her many pap shots with designer clothing and handbag), endorsements deals and booking fees.

We assist corporations in finding the Panty Mantis' agent and business manager, contacting the Panty Mantis' management company, assistant, PR Firm and publicist, booking Panty Mantis speaker appearances (what exactly is she going to speak about? elementary dingoese? the hard life of being a model? her white ball of light?), personal appearances, view past Panty Mantis speaking engagements (you see, even they are impressed she can string a sentence together, all be it in dingoese), hiring the Panty Mantis for endorsements, book the Panty Mantis for autograph signings (I just knew those "fans" didnt turn up of their own accord), and hire the Panty Mantis for speaking engagements.

We are a celebrity booking agency that also hires the Panty Mantis for corporate event appearances, as a keynote presenter for speaking engagements (bahaahaahahaaha), celebrity golf tournaments (tarts and Vicar parties, fantasy smurf get togethers), being a special guest host (Oh yes she's specul alright!), tradeshows, conventions (hoorah, she can next fat 'n' Jellus convention), store grand openings, event hosting, licensing deals, product endorsements, print advertising and television commercials. Our booking agents specialize in finding the fees, price and costs to hire the Panty Mantis for your next event

I wonder how much it costs to get her to be the "face" of our "All Original Lard Gel"?

Friday, 3 December 2010

True luuuuuurve!

Oh No! those evul paps have "caught" our happy couple trying to have a private lunch together..... arent they just the pikture of true luuuuuuurve. Orlando looks positively ecstatic!

and just for any caveys that might be lurking.... yes yes, fat... jellus..... orlandoe to ourselves - but here is a lovely shot of us all at our last get together, just for you!

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Rocking it?

I'm afraid there are no prizes for guessing why yesterday was a great day for having a pap set up..... with the VS show on air this week it stands to reason that our Mantis needs to do something to maintain focus on the new arrival..

Our poor hounded couple were unluckily "caught out" by those evul paparazzi coming out of a rock concert in LA. It seems that in addition to getting a rounded belly to show off in that see-thru travel dress/top she is also getting some of the other side effects of pregnancy...

PM: Orlandoe eye thinke eye neede to brake wynde, canne yew slowe downe a bitte?
OB: What did you say? (oh f**k i know that expression - pap guys, you might want to run for cover)

OB: Ok guys run for your lives! I have a protective nasal salve so I'll hold her here while you escape.
PM: Orlandoe! Whatte the fucke du yew thinke yew ahr doinge, yew arh sendinge awaye mye friendzs befour theye have hadde a chanse to tayke mye pickture!

OB: I'll tell you something for nothing - this salve is not all its cracked up to be!