Saturday, 29 January 2011

A Fat'n'Jellus Pop Video

Really really exciting news this morning - Now, I hope you will forgive me for keeping this one hush hush, but all of us fat'n'jellus ones that were involved had to sign disclosure contracts and I've not been able to share this one with you till now..

A select few of the fattest and most jellus people from amongst our numbers were contacted by Mika's management to take part in his video of Big Girl (You are beautiful)! and *drum Roll* here it is...

I'm the one in the pink - ladies - identify yourselves and take your bow!

(And thanks to J for the suggestion!)

Friday, 28 January 2011

And now for something completely different.

Nothing to do with either of our favourite couple, but it made me laugh.... a lot!

A Model Life

Relax! As If I'd post pictures of the Panty Mantis here!! Besides, she's too busy a) writing her contribution to the first chapter of Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Household Management and b) doing the ground work for the coveted Rainbows and Butterflies Mother of the Year award...

No, this is OB - rumour has it its for Uniglo... If so I'm extremely happy to see they have a winter version of the their fake tan range that makes users look a lot less orange....

I'm slightly concerned about the return of the tash though - Both in "In Celebration" and in "Main Street" I never was convinced that was a good look for him......

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

A New Proposal...

I had a bit of time so I thought Id trawl around for something mildly entertaining to make the corner stone of a post....

I had a look at the latest shots of OB (on a bike.... surpringly) talking to a guy in a SUV - but ended up concluding that there are two many posts about OB on a bike in the world already without me adding to them...

I bravely ventured over to Mantis Central to find some inspiration and although there was plenty of material there (lets face it, whenever she opens her mouth she seems to manage to fuel the sarcastic subculture thats grown up around her) but still nothing made me think ah ha! (I even ignored the statement by mummy mantis that her daughter is the most natural creature in the world!)

Just as I was giving up, I checked my email and what did I see?

"HIghe slapperr!,
eye knowe we haventte seene aie to aie butte eye desper..dezper....umme eye neede youre helpe! thinges arre goinge verry wronge! Eye thoughte whenne eye hadde babeye Finne thayte eyede bee the moste lovede (ande moste gawguss supamodelle )inne the lande withe cutte lyttle babey as the besteste acessorrie, butte eye nowe see thayte Orlandoe hasse stoleene mye idear.

The photoes offe mee ahvve beene takenne ovah bye thosee onnes thayt orlandoe hadde donee withe mye mum, everyeonne isse nowe sayinge that he is cutte withe finne ande ignoringe me! Eye cannte take itte - iffe eye Takke alle mye clothese offe (asse I ususalley woulde do ) people saye thayte ittes notte seksy! whatte du theye meane - NOTTE SEKSY!!!

ORlandoe thynkes thisse iss verye funnie annde hese notte even respondinge too the balle clamper anie more....

evenne yew fatte and jellus cowz lyked himme with Finne! Eye donte thynke anyonne cares aboutte me anie more :( thys wassnt howwe eye plannede itte!

Yew muste bee wonderinge howe yew canne helpe? welle, eye seeyew arre planninge to wryte a new booke and eye amme gener.... gener... fuk.... offeringe to wryte somme bittes for yew - obviouslie peoplee wonte lyke yourre bits, butte eyem feelinge lonlie and eye thynke itte woulde be goode to do thisse rightte nowe. (Plusse eye dontee see either finne or ORlandoe unless nappyies needed changinge or eye neede to gette mye boobies outte)

I knoew yew muste be overcomme with joye atte readinge this, so eye'll givee yew somme timme to calme downe beforre wee starte!

Lvoeee Pantty mantiz XXX

So what do you reckon ye Fat n Jellus? - I reckon this one has got to be some sort of goer - just the opportunity alone to hear the PM's suggestions for household management seem worth it to me on their own... and of course I will make sure I keep the final editorial rights!

Monday, 24 January 2011


I really dont agree with little babies getting papped - I cant believe something this young would be hunting out a public profile if it was able to let its parents know what it wants.. but I couldnt quite resist this!

but look at that smile!

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Eau de Bloom

I really wasnt going to post up an offering today - I've successfully managed to tune out the endless witterings of the Panty Mantis to little more than the annoying whine of a very small mosquito - but then I came across this.....

It was an article in a beauty magazine about Orlando's decision to become the face of Boss Orange - I wont take you through the entire interview its posted herebut a few points within it made me giggle.....

“Because that’s the way I am,” said Bloom. “I don’t spend a lot of time froufrou-ing myself.”

In fact, until his wife, Miranda Kerr, began her Kora organic skin care line, Bloom used only a body cream and admitted, “I used it everywhere.”

Oh dear Orlando, he's said that in the open, the PM's so going to read this and punish him for not making it clearer that while he might of "used" to be a non-Froufrou boy, he should of said that he has access to the bestte skyne cayre linne inne the worde eva, and that he spends 99% of his day applying face creams, eye creams and body cream everywhere...

I hope he doesnt suffer too much for that one! A little later on he says this:

So now that he’s been initiated into the world of scent, would Bloom consider doing a signature fragrance line?

“It hasn’t really crossed my mind,” he said, adding: “Never say never to anything, you know.”

Eau de Bloom........ I'm really not quite sure what to make of that....

Fat'n'Jellus..... Over to you!

Friday, 21 January 2011

Caption this...

Thursday, 20 January 2011

A hidden blessing

Ok so now the shock of the new baby finally being named has subsided (and the shock of reading yet again that the Panty Mantis went through a natural birth, all 27 hours of it, with an enormous baby (who is, I'll admit, exceedingly cute)) I feel able to give some more consideration to the name itself. I've also managed to get over the Metro claiming that the Panty Mantis has managed to spark debate with her booby shot - actually no i've not quite managed that yet, the idea of the PM even sparking a match seems highly unlikely, but I'm working on it!

So, Lets give a moments though to how the name sounds shall we?


Flynn Kerr-Bloom

Said fast that sounds a bit like Flinkerbloom, or Flinker for short....

Still, I guess we can all be thoroughly grateful that the first name "Wan" was off the menu for the Panty Mantis...

P.S I think I should also say at this stage, that though we have covered the birth and naming of little Flinker here on TSO, I'm not proposing to focus on the little chap after this post - he deserves as much lack of media coverage as he can get, and I'm not going to add to his burdens in life...

Orlando or No?

Well, what do you think fellow Fat'n'Jellus people?

Is this Orlando out on the Razzle or his stunt double having a beer? I can't quite work it out....

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

In like Flynn!

So the queen of privacy and secrecy has final named her baby and kindly posted a picture of her boobs (and baby bloom) on the internet. In a carefully timed and released "candid" (and I when I mean candid, I mean the type of candid that has a team of make-up artists and a lighting team standing close by) the Panty mantis privately shares the details of the second coming.

Funnily enough our Panty Mantis is still flogging the idea that she gave birth naturally (obviously she hasnt read the large number of comments about her nether regions that followed on from that particular statement).

She's also called the baby Flynn....... Flynn Kerr-Bloom ! Poor little mite, not only does it have the PM for a mother, it has a name that sounds akin to a mild explosion!

Baby Bloom (no, sorry, I cant call it Flynn right now) is a little cutie by the looks of it though - here's to it looking like its father!

p.s. Being the fat'n'jellus hater that I am, I took as much out of the mantis as I could. Research has shown that viewing the PM's face for any length of time can cause rapid weight loss and I didnt want to inflict that on TSO's readership!

Monday, 17 January 2011

Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern Household Management

How exciting, following on from the Shotgun: A Practical Guide to Weddings and of course my seminal publication Pleasure Urself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus I have now decided to grace your bookshelves with a third Book!

I realise the market for this one may be slightly smaller than the first two (you rather need to have either a wife , a baby or preferably both) but no matter! May I proudly introduce .....

Fat and'Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern household management

Its going to be kinda like the book Mrs Beeton wrote, with less emphasis on cookery and more emphasis on avoiding your inlaws and approaching motherhood from a fat'n'jellus angle!

I'm hoping that not only will you all find it helpful in your fat'n'jellus lives but it might also be of some assistance to Orlando. Judging by the latest set ups we've been graced with, he could do with some advice.

(The photo is a shot Orlando kindly posed for me on escape methods to be used on your inlaws.... though personally I think he could do with some more help - the bike idea was a good one, i dont know many MILs that would agree to a trip on a bike, but he underestimated Mama Mantis' drive to get in the press)

In the true spirit of a self help guide, it will of course be full of suggestions for products from the Ensurient Corpulence Range to compliment the theory, and I am also enlisting Wanda and Joders (as two of the fattest and most jellus people in the world ever (along with me obviously)) to help me both model the products and help me develop its own blog and facebook page, all the better for me to communicate with random online people close online friends and supporters.

Are you excited??
I know I am!

Saturday, 15 January 2011

The Mantis Makes Contact

Finally - the week or so of silence on the Panty Mantis' side (apart from the odd offering to random people online close online friends) she has finally spoken - and TSO has an exclusive interview with the PM about the birth:

S: Thanks very much for agreeing to answer some questions for TSO

PM: Thayts allryghte, nowe eye havve hadde the moste stunninge birthe in the worlde eva, eye thoughte eye shoulde comme and calle a truse withe yew fatte cowze

S: err ok, thanks! So tell us a bit more about the birth, we are all dying to know the details
PM: Welle itte woze amiazinge, i lookedde stunninge throughte, theyre were butteflyies and rainbowse ande Orlandoe sange badde romance to mee to stoppe mee gettinge board.

S; it sounds wonderful, so ORlando was with you for the birth?

PM: Haw haw haw, offe course! Eye gotte mye hole familie inne to holde himme downe juste in case Eye couldnt keepe holde of the ball klamper myeselfe - butte i needente of worriede! he satte there withe hiss heade in his handes throughe moste of itte, cryinge and rockinge.... I thinke he was juste overcomme withe emotionn!

S: ok, sound like he was really pleased to be at your side?????
PM: yesse, aparete from the cryinge and wailinge offe "Why ME!" butte eye thinke alle new dads doo thayte!

S: I understand you gave birth to a 10lb baby without the use of any drugs what so ever? Thats amazing on someone quite so slight, what was that like?
PM: Itte was lyke Mye whyte balle of lighte hadde saide - a seconde cominge... eye didnte even breake into a sweate.

S; There are vicious rumours circulating that you had a c-section, what would you say to people who think that?

PM: YEw are fatte jeluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe alle to yourselves...

S; even the guys??
PM: yesse, the guys are gay fatte jelluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe all to themselves...

S: i can see we arent going to get any further with this question! so how is your new family doing now?
PM: Eyem greate butte Orlandoe is stille actinge oldlie.... eye was hopinge you mighte be able to helpe aktuallie... eye wante to calle the babbie Bruce butte dispite increasinge the balle klampah - he's stille notte agreinge to it... any idease?

S: perhaps if you speak to him non stop for an hour, his ear drums will have been sufficiently tortured by the sound of your voice to agree to anything
PM: Whaytte dide yew saye, whats wronge with mye voice, its stunninge

S: right right, sorry!
PM: Eye see whate is hapenninge here, yew are fatte and jelluz too

S: well yes, that is kind of our strapline at TSO

I had to end the interview at that point - she called in Brother and MOther mantis and i thought discretion was the best part of valour - but I thought i'd share what i did manage to transcribe!

Friday, 14 January 2011

Happy Birthday Orlando

I seem to be late at the moment with all my seasonal and personal greetings - but they late is better than never...


Happy Birthday Orlando

And if I may a small birthday wish..

avoid calling your child either Bruce or Lachlan if you can (we all know what the PM is capable of) - I know both are aussie and I've heard from your "wife" that the baby is all aussie despite its Brit genetics , but neither suit the surname Bloom!

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Its good to laugh!

And I promise you this will do it for you!

Fresh out of hospital and straight back talking to random online people close friends about the second coming, our Panty mantis had this to say about giving birth to a 10lb baby...

Just gorgeous, thanks so much hon. I did natural birth too, no drugs or pain killers!!! Love Miranda xxx

Much as I obviously believe every word that comes out of her mouth, I'm having the greatest difficulty getting my head round a Mantis of her build pushing out 10lb's worth of baby with nothing. From what I've seen of the birthing process, its the most painful experience known to man so I need to get some understand of our Mantis' description of this auspicious event..

To me this all hangs on what one classes as natural. One could argue that Gas and Air is natural, I suspect that the Mantis probably counts an epidurals as natural, and of course a C-section could count as completely natural (providing you discount the anaesthetic). Whatever the truth of the matter is (and I doubt we'll ever find out) one things for sure, if she's gone for a "natural" delivery of an extremely large child -

Of course there's one completely natural side effect of delivering a child of that size via natures way..... but I won't even type that here......

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

An Orlando Break

To help you all through this difficult time (I'm assuming that the tension as we wait for an official announcement is effecting you as much as its effecting me) Orlando's new Boss video has come out to provide us Jellus ones with small consolation while we stuff our faces..

Cute huh!

In other news it appears we have a new celebrity amount Orlando's inlaws - despite news of someone or other getting a haircut beating the news of the new arrival on most celeb gossip sites (odd but true!) it seems Matty is the latest of the Mantis clan to be hounded by evil paparazzi 24/7 as he was "caught" by paparazzi "stalking" him (and i use both terms in it traditional meaning for the Panty Mantis) as he was caught with Brent Wood trying to Channel Orlando...

All I can say is I hope he gives it up soon - sunglasses and a pair of tight jeans do not equal looking like the man that played Legolas....

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Remember the wedding plans?

It seems that even the major of gunnedah has heard been brought glad tidings of great joy about his new Australian son (the fact its actually half british by birth and in fact probably also american seems to have passed a lot of reports about this happy event by)

My first reaction was "isnt that nice" (honestly it was!) and then i suddenly saw through the Mayor of Gunnedah's evul scheme....

I realised that having had his chance to hold the wedding of the year cut off at the knees already the speed of gestation of Baby Bloom, he's making another bid to whip out the Brass Band, call a public holiday and get some use out of Gunnedah village hall for the Christening of the new arrival... its the only explanation for why the Mayor is happily commenting away here before any one else has (apart from Russell James of course - but he probably feels entitled having shot the Panty Mantis' a**ehole and circulated it round the globe).

Mayor of Gunnedah, I truly hope you get this gig - I think they owe you! After all your kind promises of a national gunnedah holiday, brass band and bunting for the wedding, its seems only fair that you use it to celebrate the birth of the new arrival.

(and I know we've had our differences Panty Mantis' but you know I'll help with the planning and I'm sure I can convince Wanda and Joders to be part of the proceedings too - they still have their lovely bridesmaid outfits ready and waiting)

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Still holding onto our seats...

Ok, So the second coming is starting to become as protracted, confusing and ill matching as their wedding was... kind of apt I guess..

Since yesterday X17 (thanks Mystic) reported that one of their reporters in the hospital (?!?) overheard that it was a Baby Bloom not a Mini Mantis but still no official confirmation that either the blessed day has arrived or what sex the blessing is...

If i was a crueler person, I'd say we are experiencing PR milking of said blessed event, but I'm Fat and Jellus not cruel so I cant say that....

If indeed a baby bloom (or mini mantis) has arrived onto planet earth, I fervently wish that Orlando does everything he possible can to keep that baby away from the kind of life its mother enjoys. It does not need a public profile, it does not need a publicity agent and it does not need a 4 page spread in people magazine..

I'm probably being a bit hopeful though, considering the Mantis' electronic Ball Klamper...... Hes not done a great job of resisting that so far..

Friday, 7 January 2011

Hold on to your seats everyone!

No no, the Panty Mantis still hasnt said anything interesting, but rumours are circulating that the second coming has finally arrived!

Halluljah I hear you all cry!

Word is that its a girl but of course no official confirmation yet - after all why end the speculation when there is good PR mileage to be made of the blessed event...

In all seriousness though I wish the new nipper well - its not the kids fault that the Panty Mantis is its mother and in honour of its likely/imminent birth I wont sit down and work out when it must of been conceived, I'm sure someone else will do the Maths....

and of course congratulations to Orlando - whatever the facts of the matter, I'm sure he'll make a fabulous Dad!

yes yes, I know! Fat... Jellus.... Orlando to myself...

Thursday, 6 January 2011

The Second Coming

I don't know about you but in addition to stuffing my face to make up for the momentary slippage on calorie intake over Christmas I am also waiting with baited breath for the little one (in our Panty Mantis' Belly) to make its entry into the world....

There seems to be ongoing confusion over the due date though, the only solution I can see is to sit tight next to your computer, set up your RSS feed to update from the Panty Mantis' facebook (after all, she's sure to give a blow by blow account on there to random people close online friends....

Poor kid - its already over-hyped before its even made it into the world.... I don't rate its mother much but I have hopes its Dad will work out ok!

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

New Year New You!

How fitting that my 300th post on here should be a valuable entry on ways in which to survive post Christmas Diet season...

Obviously as a truly committed fat and jellus person you will already be strenuously ignoring the often well meant advice in many of the glossies about loosing weight - obviously it doesnt apply to you!

You are right of course but actually a little known fact is that most fatties need to do the fat equivalent of a post Christmas anti Diet.... You may think that because you ate your body weight in mince pies and other festive treats you are not in danger of jeopardizing your progress through the year - You are probably WRONG!

Think about - you may have eaten all your Christmas treats, but have you truly kept up your lard intake? Orders at Ensurient Corpulence for the festive period tell me otherwise..

so to get you back on track, we're offering you a BOGOF offer our all original lard gel - buy one case and we will deliver you an additional case absolutely free.

if you are a UK lard user, for a limited time only we will also cover the VAT increase!

Go on fatties - make 2011 your fattest EVER year!