S: Thanks very much for agreeing to answer some questions for TSO
PM: Thayts allryghte, nowe eye havve hadde the moste stunninge birthe in the worlde eva, eye thoughte eye shoulde comme and calle a truse withe yew fatte cowze
S: err ok, thanks! So tell us a bit more about the birth, we are all dying to know the details
PM: Welle itte woze amiazinge, i lookedde stunninge throughte, theyre were butteflyies and rainbowse ande Orlandoe sange badde romance to mee to stoppe mee gettinge board.
S; it sounds wonderful, so ORlando was with you for the birth?
PM: Haw haw haw, offe course! Eye gotte mye hole familie inne to holde himme downe juste in case Eye couldnt keepe holde of the ball klamper myeselfe - butte i needente of worriede! he satte there withe hiss heade in his handes throughe moste of itte, cryinge and rockinge.... I thinke he was juste overcomme withe emotionn!
S: ok, sound like he was really pleased to be at your side?????
PM: yesse, aparete from the cryinge and wailinge offe "Why ME!" butte eye thinke alle new dads doo thayte!
S: I understand you gave birth to a 10lb baby without the use of any drugs what so ever? Thats amazing on someone quite so slight, what was that like?
PM: Itte was lyke Mye whyte balle of lighte hadde saide - a seconde cominge... eye didnte even breake into a sweate.
S; There are vicious rumours circulating that you had a c-section, what would you say to people who think that?
PM: YEw are fatte jeluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe alle to yourselves...
S; even the guys??
PM: yesse, the guys are gay fatte jelluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe all to themselves...
S: i can see we arent going to get any further with this question! so how is your new family doing now?
PM: Eyem greate butte Orlandoe is stille actinge oldlie.... eye was hopinge you mighte be able to helpe aktuallie... eye wante to calle the babbie Bruce butte dispite increasinge the balle klampah - he's stille notte agreinge to it... any idease?
S: perhaps if you speak to him non stop for an hour, his ear drums will have been sufficiently tortured by the sound of your voice to agree to anything
PM: Whaytte dide yew saye, whats wronge with mye voice, its stunninge
S: right right, sorry!
PM: Eye see whate is hapenninge here, yew are fatte and jelluz too
S: well yes, that is kind of our strapline at TSO
I had to end the interview at that point - she called in Brother and MOther mantis and i thought discretion was the best part of valour - but I thought i'd share what i did manage to transcribe!