Sunday, 29 August 2010

A few things from the store

The Panty Mantis and Dr. Bloom have resurfaced in Malibu together for those first and sought after shots of her with her "husband" and her bump.

Apparently they were innocently trying to go shopping together, those evil paps (who had been circling malibu for the last two weeks in a vain attempt to get photos of our happy couple) finally managed to achieve their dastardly plan.

Poor newly weds, hounded at every turn... the only option they had was to confuse so Orlando headed off on his bike while the Panty Mantis hopped off in her car so they could divide and loose their persuers.

Whilst they have my utmost sympathy for having their privacy invaded in this cruel sadicious manner by those evil paparazzi, I am a little confused by the fact that they needed 2 cars and one bike to buy what appears to be absolutely nothing from the shop what so ever -unless of course its more cigarettes which are small and easily hidden ..

You can imagine the convo they had:

PM: Orlandoe, whire are yew? Eye'm pregannt and alreadie people are notte interessted. I neede to mayk it obviouss againe. Eye've asked mumme and eye neede somme gehrkinss and sum eyecreame qwick! Kanne yew leave Viggoe's nowe ande meete mee atte the store.

OB: Umm (Oh god its her) hi, I'm just umm looking over some old LOTR photos with Vig, can't you go on your own or something?

PM: NOE! if eye goe onne mye owne our freinds the pappes wonte turne upe. Eye tryed thayt while yew were inne Germanie, eye even offered themme an exclusive ande everythinge. Wee havve an arran.... um an arragng.... fuk it ! wee havve a deale orlandoe!

OB: (Bugger it, I thought once we'd done this phake marriage, she'd bog on off and leave me alone) Um, ok well I've got my bike so I'll scoot on down to the store. Lets get in there, then you phone our friends the paps and we'll come out and leave separately so we can look as if we're all pissed off and having to avoid them. The world gets shots of us doing normal things and appearing to keep a low profile and I can come back here and continue umm "looking at photos".

PM: Thayts muche more lyke it! and all those eville bytches on TSO and Delphee wille bee ablee to see that eye'm evenne more beatutifl whenne eye'm pregnante!

OB: umm what? (I don't think so sweetheart, you face already bore more than a passing resemblance to a chipmunk and thats before you started putting on weight, now its getting much more like the michelin man in appearance - still, what do I care - a job is a job at the end of the day and at least I still have Viggo)

PM: Ohw neva minde, see yew in a bitte orlandoe, and dontte forgette your weddinge ringe.

OB: (shit, the ring, I wonder if Vig has one i can borrow) OK Bye!

Saturday, 28 August 2010

A model in the family!

Don't worry, you can relax! it isn't a pregnant panty mantis modelling the new range from mothercare...

its ORLANDO - doing what a good looking guy should be doing and modelling lots!

He's the new brand ambassador for Uniqlo, along with Charlize Theron. Apparently this is a global campaign, so you should all get a kitted out OB dropping into a shopping centre / mall near you very soon....pictorially speaking of course! I doubt he's the type for Mall tours like someone else I could mention...

Great as the news is, I have to say i'm not to keen on the above photo - Charlize looks far too airbushed and OB looks rather grumpy. Mind you i guess if I had sunburn on my cheeks and was forced to sit around in a bright blue boiler cover having my photo taken, i'd be feeing a bit grumpy too (sorry, I guess I just prefer OB modelling suits!)

It is great to see Orlando modelling though, Just as long as we don't get subjected to the Panty Mantis playing the role of "Mother Earth" in a new movie about motherhood..

Panty Mantis: Just because he can do both, that doesn't mean YOU can...

Latest on the 3M is that shooting is happening in Germany but OB isnt - his scenes can't have been scheduled yet....

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Treashur Ureself: Update

Yesterday I thought things couldn't get any more exciting - but apparently they can!

Remember that "Rich, Cloth Covered Heirloom that will be passed down for generations" we were talking about yesterday?

Well from the 1st September you can pre-order your copy through the Panty Mantis' sales website inspirational blog, and not only that but it will be signed by our Mantis. Apparently she has said that she will sign the first 1000 so I imagine that an unsigned copy will be rather hard to come by then....

Treashur Ureself has also given us a little teaser on the PM blog (being the most intelligent book in the world and able to write without human intervention) - check it out (original is here)

“In my eyes we are all equal. No one person is more special than another.

Ah isn't that nice we are all super specul!! (though congrats to the PM - it seems she's finally learnt how to spell the word)

The more I travel and do what I do the more I realize how incredibly unique and different we all are.

Yes we know, you are a soopermodul who has Orlando all to herself and we are fat and jellus and want Orlando all for ourselves: diversity at its finest!

We often forget that in order to love others fully we need to first love and accept ourselves. We could spend our lives wishing we were someone else and never really appreciate who we actually are or the things we have to offer this world.

Did we get a shout out??

Every person offers this world something, but sometimes it takes someone else to see the possibilities and beauty in us before we recognize it in ourselves”.

I'm starting to feel a little queasy now....

My hope is that through “Treasure Yourself” you will discover your own uniqueness and just how truly incredible you really are.

Don't worry PM, I already know how unique and truly incredible I am - I just need help with the fat/jellus/orlando for myself thing!

remember people, a prize for the person that finds an unsigned copy in 6 months - after all the likelihood of her selling more than ten has to be rather remote..

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Treashur Ureself

I can't wait to share this one with you - i think you possibly need to be sitting down..... its THAT good!!

Not only is Treashur Ureself on its way to a bookshelf near you but its grown a personality and started contributing to the Panty Mantis' new blog!!

Aren't you excited??? I know I am...

Plus in "Treashur Ureself's" Biography it has a few new titbits (which you can see here) on the hallowed publication to wet our appetites...

" an incredible collection of thoughts , memories and lessons that will you put you on a path to self-improvement"

Hallelujah, we are saved! our path away from fat jellus hatership has begun

"It includes many thought from world renowned author and spiritual leaders"

sounds a bit like her phacebook to me, I wonder if she'll credit these ones?

"This beautiful rich, cloth covered book will be become an Heirloom that will be passed down through generations"

ah bless - she's hopeful isn't she? even if it did turn out to contain something worth reading (which I personally doubt) the likelihood of a book on Treashuring Ureself by an up the duff panty mantis lasting for generations are very small indeed......

......bit like the authors brain really!

I just can't wait for this to come out in its "beautiful, rich, cloth cover"

But in the meantime we have the Kora Blog to enjoy, full of specul moments courtesy of the Panty Mantis and her clan!


(PS pretty picture of Orlando as requested!)

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

A Bumpy ride!

Wow! What a week (and its only Tuesday) of Blind Items, hints from Ted and baby bumps so far. My head is all in a spin with quite how much anti "twu Luuurve" commentary there has been over these two. Poor old Orlando and his pet Mantis! The very thing he's done to convince the world that he's a straight, uber successful actor at the top of his game with a VS Panty Mantis up the duff and in tow has given rise to the biggest rush of items calling it out as a bearding set up that I've seen in a long while...

Damn, its gotta really piss you off when that happens..

Its quite clear from our favourite Ted C though that he's got rather a soft spot for Orlando (which is nice) and thinks his wife is a fame hungry user (which is funny). I think Ted deserves a Phree Orlando t-shirt too!

of course we shouldnt forget baby bloom (especially now his Mantis has decided she is the guru of pregancy) I'm sure OB and Viggo are is very excited, after all, he usually is about most things if his press conferences are anything to go by...

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Blind Vice

Can i just share my increasingly high opinion of Ted C with you - you've gotta hand it to him, on the day that the Panty Mantis and OB announce that they are with little mantis he posts a Blind Vice item

You can read it here

Most people are guessing its our favourite pair - I just love his timing ....

In other news, while Orlando is busy filming with Milla in Germany (in fact they are doing press conferences at the moment but I'm not one to quibble, he's looking cute and Milla looks fab), The Panty Mantis is chained to her keyboard spouting facebook drivel as usual. Honestly, I understand she is very happy to be with child and more importantly to have gotten Orlando to not deny its his, but still. And it seems that our new "Mother Earth' will be devising a baby kora range very soon too - how nice, overpriced skincare for the under fives..... Im just waiting for the Noni juice range of baby food (BTW Mantis, if you do that, I want my cut!)

Oh and one final thing, my partner came up with another name for your spawn (assuming its male of course)

Jared Itsyours Bloom

I thought that one had great ring to it!

Friday, 20 August 2010

The Art of Naming

Sorry about the delay in posting this one, I had an urgent message from our Mantis, asking for my advice on naming her new spawn.... obviously I had to get right on it - someone that famous and important can't be ignored!

Before we get to that though I'll start by offering my sincerest congratulations to Orlando and Viggo the Panty Mantis, I'm sure they are all very happy with the news..

Ok, enough of that - on to names (I hope you like them Panty Mantis :))

How about Kings Bloom (as in Kings of Leon - its a band he loves and you spent time with round the "conception")

or you could go with Brandon would be a good name too - you've gotta admit Brandon Bloom has a certain ring to it -

There is, of course, always Viggo - I think Viggo Bloom would be a great name for a boy mantis (and Orlando would be sure to love this one!)

I have to say though, it became a lot more difficult when I started thinking of girl baby names....

Obviously Miranda is a bad idea as a name, with you as the obvious exception of course, to me it kind of says famewhore without actually saying it...

I thought of Sienna or Penelope - but the former says "slapper" and the latter says "lucky escape" and I wouldn't wish that on the poor kid...

On balance I think for Kate Bloom is a nice summary: it says classy, stylish, has a career of her own (albeit as more of a style maven), dated movie stars while they were still hot property (ie has timing)

So, what do you think Mantis (oh and welcome to our club by the way - i know you are unable to be jellus , having Orlando all to yourself already, but you can qualify on the fat side)

Let me know, I'm happy to keep coming up with more.....

One thing is for sure - at least we all know now why it was so much of a shot gunnedah wedding.... I look forward to seeing the bump!

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

The "New" Groundhog Day

Our Panty Mantis doesn't miss a trick does she? It must have finally sunk in that one of the disadvantages of getting "married" is that you are no longer able to tease the worlds press (well at least those few that are still interested) with whether you will or not!

Bless her, I bet that was a painful few days of her brain grinding slowly along to work that one out, but panic not - she's found a new "groundhog" Day to use - whether or not she is pregnant

Now, I know I'm not often kind to the PM, when she asked us for advice on how to deal with a post "wedding' Orlando, I ignored her; when she wanted bridesmaids, I made sure I picked the most stunning of us to participate (in fact that is probably why she ended up with a super sekrit "wedding")

but I thought it really was only fair to point this out to her... so ... here goes...

Miranda (see I am being nice, I'm using your actual name) the baby idea is probably quite a good replacement for the engaged / not engaged story but there is one significant draw back.... you are going to have to come up with a baby if you confirm its true. Now, there are plenty of places you can get hold of one if you need (Ask Orlando to talk to Brad and Ange, they should be able to point you in the right direction for one that's the right age) but be aware that once you "announce" it and how far gone you are, that starts an inexorable countdown that carliii will not be able to spin you out of.

In simple terms: Announcement of baby = production of baby a maximum of 9 months later

(Oh, and I'd make sure your "husband" is in on on this one - it would be slightly awkward if he started demanding paternity tests in public....)

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Eh Up, Gorgeous!

Orlando is heading to set for the Three Musketeers in Germany and was photographed outside his hotel last night looking all brown eyed and gorgeous...

I actually think this one has got more than half a chance of hitting the big screen, which will be exciting...

PJ, if you are still reading here - you + me + peckham plex = shits and giggles??

(PJ is not an OB fan but is more than a little patient with my fascination with him - bless her, she even sat through Elizabethtown with me)

I have to hand it so some of his fans though - according to the blurb he was staying a top secret location and yet his fans still knew which hotel to hang around outside..... some people must just be psychic!

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Caption Time

Orlando gazed thoughtfully at his reflection in the mirror. Something bothered him about this new haircut. It looked cool, but he wasn't convinced that it was going to fool anyone into disguising his identity, even someone with a proven IQ lower than that of a boiled sprout....

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Your Orlando Needs YOU!

Calling all fat, jellus haterz of the world that just want Orlando for themselves:

We have a new mission and its branded (courtesy of the fabulous Wanda)

Get yours right here PHREEORLANDO

Get your t-shirts, spaghetti tops, mugs, mousemats and show your support for the once celebrated actor thats been taken over by a panty mantis

All acts of support welcome, He's going to need all the help he can get to break out of there!.

Doing a run? Proudly run in a Phreeorlando t-shirt!

Engaging in an all you can eat competition? wear Phreeorlando!

Doing a sponsored Lord-of-the-rings-athon? Do it in a Phreeorlando vest.

PHREE ORLANDO! Because someone's got to! (copyright 2010)

Things are not looking good.....

Orlando has turned up at a hairdressers in LA looking extremely tired bless him. While some would say thats the correct look on a newly married man as his "wife" spends the majority of her time on facebook educating us all with her words of wisdom I don't think that can be it. I guess the escaping he had to do to get there must have taken its toll on him.....

Still, at least he's found a few moments of freedom, is sporting a rather 70's hairdo and is looking nice and cosy with his hair stylist!

Moving on: one of the ladies over at the other site dug out a bit more info about The Good Doctor here

"A young doctor falls for a beautiful 18-year-old patient of his. Unfortunately the feeling is not mutual but he is now obsessed, so he contaminates her prescription keeping her just sick enough to leave her in his care. They form a close bond, but events spiral out of control until one day he takes it too far and the girl dies. Devastated and paranoid, he seemingly gets away with it, only to become caught in the blackmailing web of a spying intern with an addiction for prescription pills. Backed into a corner, the Good Doctor has no choice but to cover his tracks by any means necessary..."

Sounds like a great story line, I know i keep saying it, but I hope this one makes it into a cinema......I'd very much enjoy seeing evil Orlando on the big screen!

Friday, 13 August 2010


Where IS Orlando?

His "wife" (and believe me when i say I'm using that in the loosest sense of the word - i know fat, jellus, orlando all for myself etc etc) seems to be maintaining a public profile; his "wife" seems to be perfectly happy to engage with more recent developments in online communication and networking; his "wife" is happy to offer cloying words of wisdom to any misfortunate that happens within a 5 mile radius of her facebook page, drowning them with second hand advice, quotes and photos of her family.

In short his "wife" is more than happy to keep the rest of the english speaking world up to date with the minutiae of her personal life.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if we get the following status update:

Panty Mantis is happye thayt orlandoe is bounde and gagged, he complayns less aboute seksy tyme lyke thayt

Poor sod..... put like that his complete and utter silence since their wedding is put into perspective. we shouldnt be giving the Elf a hard time for "marrying" such a complete and utter dingbat, we should be raising money to secure his release....

In fact I was looking for a charity to raise money for by participating in the forthcoming duathlon, I think i may have found it!

I just need someone to design me a FREE ORLANDO t-shirt to run/cycle in!

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Pearls of Wisdom

I don't know about anyone else but i rarely find the time to update my facebook status, or my twitter (unless its on my BBerry) let alone sit around having a chat with a load of people....

and yet Mrs D (aka the Panty Mantis) seems to have the time to do just that.... everyday..... usually many times a day.......sharing words of wisdom, proffering advice to the dermatologically challenged, sharing stolen quotes of wisdom with us mere mortals

Yesterday we were taught about how to live your life, today its the benefits of yoga.. I wonder what tomorrow will bring??

No sign of Orlando though - am I the only one that lives in the quiet hope that he's on a honeymoon and enjoying some private time - just with someone completely different!

Wednesday, 11 August 2010


Plagiarism: a piece of writing that has been copied from someone else and is presented as being your own work

Happily our Panty Mantis has strayed into territory I know a lot about in her new found desire to communicate to the masses via Facebook. Usual modus operandi has been popping on there with frightening regularity to tell the world that she doesnt have a lot of time, buy more Kora and giving everyone the benefit of her wisdom with the mantis equivalent of a thought for the day.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be her thoughts she's having, take this for example:

"We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give. I hope you like it. Love Miranda xxx"

In fact that should be reading We make a living by what we get: we make a life by what we can give. I hope you like it. Love Winston xxx"

Do you think someone has brought her a book of thoughts for the day or something?

Moving on, I'm taking it that the supersekrit Hunneymoon mark 2 is still in full swing in that capital of romance LA. At least I'm assuming it is given there are a number of sightings of Orlando there (though strangely none of the Panty mantis.....maybe people in LA don't recognise her?)

Tuesday, 10 August 2010


Do you know, I was almost wondering why I bothered to come back from my hols: Its p*ssing with rain here in London, I've got loads of work to do and most importantly (of course) our super sekrit couple have gone undercover to enjoy their second hunnymoon so there is no new material to distract me from the piles of paperwork sitting next to me...... or so I thought!!

Tell me this, if you were a super sekrit pap hounded "celebrity" couple on your second stab at your hunneymoon (the first one having been disastrously cut short because no one gave a shit one of you couldn't shift a work engagement) would you be sitting around on facebook, sharing pearls of wisdom and remembering boyfriends past?


Me neither........ I won't tell you what I would be doing, particularly with Whorely (after I'd given him a good clean of course), but it certainly wouldn't be sitting around on my Mac posting on facebook - I think thats an activity best saved for procrastinating about something unpleasant..... such as work.....

Now, If Orlando was spending his time posting on facebook - THAT I'd understand, poor lad - he must of felt quietly smug having dealt with the first round of his hunneymoon in the space of four days, only to find that he had to go for a second round to save the panty mantis' profile..... bless!

Orlando - just think of Viggo.......

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Hiatus Over!

I'm back from a week of Agatha Christie and it doesn't look like I missed much (unless you count the entire panty mantis clan launching themselves on twitter in the interests of selling some of the Panty Mantis' overpriced facial care )

As far as I can see here is a summary of the salient points...

1) The Panty Mantis is/isnt about to spawn (this one has turned into the new ground hog day of rumours now they can't use the engagement anymore)

2) The honey moon / post wedding / David Jones debarcle has been so incredibly badly handled PR wise its a global joke (seriously guys, you go on honeymoon for four days; you come back to that the Mantis can stick her ass out for the camera even though DJ's has announced that they have released her from her duties to go on her honeymoon (of course that one isn't helped by the fact that DJ's replaced our mantis within about 20 seconds ); you then go on a second honeymoon ???? - oh dear oh dear, the mantra 'less is more' springs to mind!)

3) More shots of Orlando with the love of his life - his Motorbike (though if I was OB I wouldn't of been snapped chatting away to them - it kinda makes it obvious that its a set up)

4) The Panty Mantis is rumoured to be starting her own blog - words can't express how excited I am about this one!

The only piece of vaguely interesting news relates to The Three Musketeers. Apparently Orlando is very excited according to this:

"“I’m a big fan of him,” Anderson gushes, “I always thought he should be in this movie and I never thought we’d get him, because I always thought he’d say, ‘No, it’s too much like Pirates. I don’t want to do another movie like that.’

Umm Anderson, nothing he's done since pirates has made it into the cold light of day, I'm not surprised he leaped at this one!

Because Orlando, I always felt he had been straitjacketed into playing the good guy. He’s like a lass and you can’t get any better than that, he’s so noble and so…and then, in Pirates, he’s the noble guy.”

He's like a lass???????

“And I think that’s why he stopped doing studio movies because he felt he was being tapped as the good guy and he had these depths that he wanted to show,” he adds, “The Duke of Buckingham is a nasty piece of work. And I can’t tell you how excited Orlando is to play kind of like a nasty guy. I mean, he’s just such a nice man and he’s so excited about the movie. If I had to tell him that to go to Germany and start help building the sets right now, I think he’d leave Miranda Kerr and go, ‘I have to go and help build some sets.”"

Anderson obviously hasn't noticed that Orlando will leave the Panty Mantis at the drop of the hat if he thinks he has even the whisper of an excuse to get away!