Thursday, 29 July 2010

Post script

A small word of advice for Orlando before I go:

The days when you can call the photographers to take photos of you and your latest script and look like you don't want them there are long gone...... even when you do try to authenticate the experience with a one fingered salute, though i have to congratulate you on your lack of subtlety!

Oh, and you might want to have a word with someone about Ted C- he keeps doing the most cracking one liners about you and your new wife, though my favourite is still the business deal one :D

I'm Outta here

Its all got too much, first the super sekrit wedding, then the super sekrit honeymoon, then the super sekrit second honeymoon (which Orlando is apparently spending with his Ducati) and now a super sekrit baby.....


Just away from a computer for a week.... I'm hoping that I'll come back to not only a super sekrit baby but also a super sekrit divorce... I know, its probably a bit quick even for them - but on the plus side it would mean they got into the gossip rags (something their antics so far have singularly failed to do by all accounts, despite their best efforts) as the worlds fastest relationship lifespan: Engagement, Marriage, Honeymoon, Pregancy, Divorce all in the space of 6 weeks!

Something to think about perhaps OB?

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Dr D- Kerr and his Ducati

Not on a second super secret honeymoon yet then?

I think they are very lucky that Ted is taking such an interest in them - it keeps us all talking about their antics if nothing else!

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Caption Time

"Those Phuckinge Delphee Bytches, whot do theye thynke theye arre. theye shoulde knowe eye'm far too busy to sitte on a computter! Eyem a internatunul soopermodul ANDE on mye honeyemoon with Orlandoe, (Even iff ti waz onlee phour days)"

Monday, 26 July 2010

Here are 4 reasons why Orlando is a lucky guy!

1) Her phace looks as it does above without the aid of an air brush
2) A see thru dress and stripey panties just scream class!
3) She has truly mastered the shot that says "look at my rings" though I must say Orlando needs further work on his
4) The rest of the world has seen her naked too. He must be so proud!

Funnily enough it seems Ted C is also fat, jellus and wanting Orlando all for himself...

The latest in a long line of wicked speculation over the driving forces behind our newly weds is as follows:

"Dear Ted:
Thank you for always calling out the games that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom (Kerbloom) are trying to play on the public with this farce they have going on. What do you think of the announcement that they got married? No better way to try and prove you wrong than to claim to be married.

Dear Skeptical About Kerr:
Let me ask you a question: is there any other reason why we're reading about these two in the news? There's your answer."

Nuff said Ted!

Our Honeymooning Couple

Finally! the shots we've all been waiting for

Miranda reading TSO and the rest of the gossip sites on her Mac with her new husband Dr. D, on their way home from the shortest honeymoon on record!

Maybe she spent some time showing Orlando how to use the one he carries around all the time - good on her, its a bit daft of him to carry it everywhere without being able to use it! Maybe he'll be less of a technotard in the future?

Treashur ureself...delayed??

I can't believe it - delayed again, how can this be? Maybe the super sekrit marriage plans have got in the way of this venture by Mrs. D....

How distressing, this means I will have to wait even longer to turn my life around from the fat jellus mire it has become...

But at least amazon now has an editorial up about it to wet the appetite (figuratively speaking of course - we all know she doesnt eat except when the paparazzi are there and photographing her)

Supermodel Miranda Kerr first book is an incredible collection of thoughts, memories and lessons that will put you on the path to self-improvement.

Its funny, I've always thought she had an incredible collection of thoughts too, though I've never thought they'd put anyone on a path to self-improvement..

Written for a new audience of young adults,

(excellent - targeting the young and vulnerable on how to be a panty model i see!)

this book has important lessons on self-confidence, inner beauty and acceptance that will resonate throughout their life journey.

Hmm lessons on inner beauty from someone that has shed loads of cash, is Mrs Douchebag, takes her clothes off for a living and has gotten progressively thinner the more column inches she gets - riiiiight!

It uses some of the classic wisdom that has inspired Miranda to achieve

Believe me when I say I cannot wait to here some classic wisdom from the panty mantis

including many thoughts from the founder of Hay House, Louise L. Hay, who has sold over 50 million copies worldwide.

So that explains why they agreed to publish it, perhaps they gave her a discount production rate

It presents incredible life story of one of the most successful international models today with down-to-earth life lessons that anyone can relate to.

Down to earth lessons from Mrs Goji berries and noni juice? Oh and I think the title of "most successful international models today" could probably be argued with too

It offers fantastic tips and beauty secrets.

Oh I bet it does, involving the entire Kora range no doubt....

I think what I'm finding most disturbing is that it has 284 pages..... is that in large type or something, or just lots of pictures of the Kora range?

yes, I know - fat....jellus.... want Dr. D all for myself, but on the plus side, once this is released maybe I'll be able to turn myself around?

Sunday, 25 July 2010

The Panty Mantis..... Sidelined???

Oh No! I hear you cry...... but apparently the unthinkable has happened and DJ's has is on the hunt for a new fashion ambassador.

" So who will be the next big name to grace the runway, with both Kerr and Megan Gale now on the sidelines?"

(from article in Sunday Telegraph, oz)

That hasnt taken her/them long really - and considering Megan Gale was out and about promoting DJ's through most of her stint, a cruel and jealous mind could argue that actually DJ's realised she was rather a large mistake and have taken the first "get out of Jail" card available to them.

Of course the flip side (for those of us who enjoy rainbows, flowers and hearts) is that DJ's have reluctantly had to admit that because of her shot gunnedah wedding to Dr. Douchebagn (thanks Joders, I think that one is staying) they have had to release her from forthcoming duties but are gagging at the bit to get her back up on a catwalk strutting in Lisa Ho!

Its funny though, the speed with which DJ's has started the search for new brand ambassador is frankly rather embarrassing for the mantis, one would of thought they would of preserved a respectable time gap before issuing press releases...

The other fairly amusing bit of news is Sonia's letter to his fan base. Its nice of her to write to us all to tell us about her new book and how lovely her new daughter-in-law but its kinda coming out as a bit OTT... almost makes one wonder loves young dream is not as real as its being portrayed...

I know, I know..... fat..... jellus......want Dr. D all for myself...

Orlando's Honorary Speech

I came across this on another site and thought it was worth posting in the midst of all the furor over his SSW (super sekrit wedding) - I think its a great speech from him!

" I would like to thank you very much indeed. It’s such an honor to be here. What a wonderful experience! And I mean that quite literally: I am in wonder – I’m wondering how on earth I got here. The truth is I am truly humbled by this moment that I share with you today.

I think one experience from my childhood here in Canterbury will explain precisely how humbled. They say every actor has a formative acting experience that he carries with him for the rest of his life; well this is mine:

I am starring in a performance at the Marlow Theatre produced by the Mary Woodman School of Dance. I’m four years old. I am wearing a furry monkey suit, as are my three fellow performers. A rather hot monkey suit. That becomes increasingly itchy over the course of the performance. Which is why, when that bug bit – or something did – I was compelled to whip around, aim my behind at the audience, lift my tail and scratch my backside in front of a suddenly riotous crowd. Twenty-nine years later, that roar and laughter still follows me.

So it is fitting that I am back – back in my home town of Canterbury; here in the Cathedral where I was confirmed, and where my mother used to bring me to hear choral music that was so beautiful it could captivate even the unbearably fidgety child that I was.

This Cathedral was one place of importance for me, as I was growing up. Others were the fields, gullies and the duck pond of Kent University’s campus (my playground) near to my childhood home. They were to me as magical as the Woods of Rivendell or the Mines of Moria were to Legolas and Gimley in the fictional world I would enter many years later- The Lord of the Rings.

However, truth be told, my favorite place was probably the ABC Cinema, as it was called when I was growing up, at the top of town. My friends and I discovered that if we picked up the discarded tickets that were littering the pavement outside, we could re-enter the cinema, emerge from the toilets, hand the stub to the attendant and watch whatever films we liked. And this was how I first saw American movies and met characters from Indiana Jones to Edward Scissorhands, from Han Solo in “Star Wars” to Daniel Day Lewis in “Last of the Mohicans” – and far too many others to mention. It’s also how I was able to put my monkey suit memories behind me and dream big for the first time, in a real way, of becoming an actor.

Acting was easier than the rest of school for me because I have always battled dyslexia. Extra classes for English and Maths helped -but I struggled to keep up; quite honestly, if I had not found acting I have no idea how I would have turned out. So from the age of nine I threw myself into every school play I could. By 16, determined to avoid the more academic disciplines, I moved to London to attend the Fine Arts College in order to take my A Levels in photography, sculpture and theatre studies. However, after passing my A Levels and eagerly applying to drama school, I found my progress halted. I was rejected absolutely everywhere I applied for! So for a year I put my head down. I had two jobs at two different clothing shops. In my free time I played a spear carrier in a National Youth Theater production of “Othello.” I gained a scholarship to attend a three-week course given by the British American Drama Academy, which in turn got me seen and represented by my first agent. With the help of that agent I clawed my way into a single episode of “Casualty” and managed to deliver a single line as a rent boy in my first feature film, “Wilde,” with Stephen Fry and Jude Law. And the next time I applied to drama school I got into my first choice, The Guildhall School of Music and Drama.

But it wasn’t long before my next setback, this one potentially crippling. I was in my second year, enjoying my studies and happily performing in “Twelfth Night,” when, one afternoon, I climbed out of a friend’s window to reach a roof terrace and fell three floors to a balcony below and broke my back. I suppose it was telling that when I regained consciousness, my first thought was “I wonder who’ll play Orsino?” For the first four days in hospital, I was told by the doctors that I may never walk again and that, in any case, I would be on my back for at least six months. Yet, after an operation, I wilfully recovered and walked out of the hospital after a week and a half. Determined to finish my three year training, I played all my third-year performances in a back brace – in preparation for the world of utter determination and never-ending setbacks that is acting: the world whose brink you all find yourselves on today.

The truth is -from my experience -that’s the rhythm of things in this world: it’s one step forward, one step back, a harder step forward, and stagger on. The good news was that I got lucky and landed that first agent. The bad news was that agent soon left the business to work with horses. The good news was that, my new bigger agent got me an audition to be considered for “Moulin Rouge.” The bad news was that, after briefly dallying with the idea of casting unknowns, Baz Luhrmann came to his senses and cast Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman as he should. I have been extremely fortunate so far in this business – and certainly, being cast in ” The Lord of the Rings” was a career- and life-changing event. (However) I am also always on the brink of being unfortunate. I tried to turn down “Pirates of the Caribbean” because I thought that a film based on a Disney ride sounded daft, thankfully my new American manager talked me into it just before my childhood hero Johnny Depp came onboard and made it a dream.

So- I suppose,- although I have no words of wisdom to offer you, I do have one lesson to pass along: a lesson I continue to learn as I go. And that’s the need to experience the trials we endure as actors neither as cruel and senseless defeats, nor as decisive triumphs – but as moments to commit to and own, every one of them! I have learned that almost getting kicked out of drama school for acting too independent was absolutely crucial in improving my creative teamwork with a group. I have learned that the many failed auditions I had before graduation were not shameful, but invaluable – as they gradually taught me how to be myself in a room. And I have learned that not giving my all during every audition, every hair and makeup test, and every experience – fictional or real – represents a missed opportunity to improve my skills and my relationships, and to be the kind of actor, and person, deserving of the sort of honour you bestow on me today.

There are no stepping stones, no stages, and no upward path to follow. There are only moments that deserve and require our full commitment – every one.

I am certainly fully committed to this moment, and appreciate it even more than I can say. Please accept my gratitude for this distinction, and this honor, and the opportunity to be among you on this great day. And congratulations on your graduation.

Thank you all very much."

Delivered at Canterbury Cathedral: occasion of award of UKC Honorary Doctorate:13 July2010

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Our Thank you note!

The new and Private Mrs Bloom is much better and quicker at writing her thank you letters than I ever was, she's decided to write on behalf of them both to thank us for our gift!

Deer Lycinder,

Thank yew forre the vase, eye amme not sure whate yew are tryinging to gette at wyth the pickture butte Orlandoe seems to lyke it verry much. He says it reminds himme of goode tymes.

Eye knowe yew havent beene verry nice to mee in the paste butte eye thought eye woulde showe yew what a kynde personnee eye am and saye thankyew

Aktuallee Eye woldnt mynde somme advice. Inne the laste daye or soe Orlandoe seemes to bee ill or somethinge, evar synce carlii mayde thise annousement, he has satte in wyth his heade in his hands rockinge. Eye kan't gette hime to speake or anythinge, thoughe he keeps mutteringe somethinge that sounds lyke Viggo.

Carlii thynkes he culd bee havinge somme kynde of mental breakedowne, eye'm notte sure.

Wot do yew fatties thynke eye shoulde do? Eye neede hime to pruve he's lyving the lyfe with mee pronto before Ted pickes us outte againe as a Buseineess Deeel.

Bye the wayye, nowe eye am Mrs Bloom eye thynke thate all of yew shuld starte usinge Kora. Thinke aboute it. Money from Kora maykes mee richer and eye'm supoorting Orlandoe nowe, its a bitte lyke buyinge his DVD's onlyee more expesneive.

Eye Kant promise it wille mayke yew less fat ande jelluz but it wille give yew a waye of suporting Orlandoe in harde tymes

In facte eye'm off to poste aboute it on facebooke nowe.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Wedding Bells!

Oh no! The world as i know it has just ended - Despite all of my fat jelluz cow activity, Orlando has married the Panty Mantis, its true love, I'm devastated........

........ well actually no, I'm not.

This really did rather amuse me when I woke up this morning to the result of her big announcement. There are just so many angles you could look at this piece of news! I almost don't know where to start!

I don't know many newly weds who would announce a sekrit marriage separately, surely the Happy couple should of announced it together?

It also seems fairly likely that up until very recently our Panty Mantis didn't realise she was up for a sekrit extravaganza, what with all her church hunting, taking her time and "going back to australia at the end of the month comments". Of course this could all be a smoke screen to keep it private, but somehow I doubt it - nothing else in their "relationship" has been private so far....

Its enough to make one wonder exactly how married Orlando is but that would be churlish of me in the extreme!

My heart does go out to Wanda and Joders though, I'm really sorry ladies, in the end you just were not fat'n'jellus enough to make sure the Panty Mantis wasnt outshone....

Right, I'm off to Selfridges to pick up that Etruscan Vase for our couple, I'm sure OB is going to need reminders of Viggo in the coming months

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Our Private couple

Fresh back from a lovely interlude at the opera, I come back to find that I have been missing all the excitement here...

As mystic has pointed out, the Panty Mantis is due to make an announcement, and not just any announcement - a personal one... Its so lovely to see her being so private isn't it

I'm all eager anticipation over what this "personal Announcement" will be, so I thought I'd speculate from the following options:

a) She is finally going to formally admit she has Orlando's wedding tackle in a glass jar in her suitcase

b) That Orlando is gay and has been shagging Viggo all along

c) That she has had a personal epiphany and has finally come to terms with her resemblance to a Cabbage Patch Doll

d) That, following the lack lustre receipt of the engagement announcement and Ted's recent Business deal comment, she is now hoping that a pregnancy will capture the worlds interest and propel her and Orlando up to number one couple in Hollywood.

e) She's going to admit she's the worlds worst model

f) That she is actually using her facebook for the sole purpose of flogging over priced skin care to an unsuspecting public.

Tempting as the other options are, I'm going with D - all the others have a degree of self awareness and honesty I don't believe she is able to demonstrate !!

Either way, How exciting - What a shame I'm out again tonight and won't be able to watch the private live coverage of this event!!

Monday, 19 July 2010

Nice Work!

Back briefly to something work related for OB - he looks great in the latest Me & City Shoot, as does Abby Lee (Model with him). I reckon he makes a great male model!

Saturday, 17 July 2010

What a lot of luggage

Considering our Panty Mantis was only in the UK for a few days she doesn't half carry round a lot of luggage with her. Believe me, In no way do I travel light, but that amount of luggage is ridiculous, particularly given most of her clothes are the size of a postage stamp.

Maybe she carries around a few spare paparazzi where ever she goes in there, just in case?

Perhaps its her publicist Carli and her brother, ready to leap to her defence when ever a jelluz cow threatens?

Perhaps its her Orlando controlling kit, the further down the road they go - the more equipment she needs to keep him on reservation?

Who knows, but its reassuring to see that their flight out of the UK was as hounded by those pesky paparazzi as her arrival into the country - and its very nice of Orlando to stay on the line to them during the photo shoot - to make sure that they get the angle..... Its a pity he's wasting his time though, I've yet to see a good angle on the panty mantis that hasn't been photoshopped to within an inch of its life....

I know, I know..... fat /jelluz/want Orlando all for myself......

Friday, 16 July 2010

The Definition of a business deal?

As its all gone a bit quite again I've had the opportunity to think a bit recently about the definition of a Business Deal, you'd think it was something that you put into Wiki and out it pops, but I couldn't find anything that captured the meaning with the words together...

But I think the meaning can be illustrated by looking at the words separately

Business: In the context of business deal this means that its contractual; its main aim is to further the position of both involved; something for mutual benefit; something that creates financial or reputational gain

Deal: implies agreement; contractual arrangement; a concordance of ideas on how to proceed..

So basically we have a contractual arrangement for mutual benefit of financial or reputational gain.

That sounds like our fav couple to me! Though I am surprised Ted hasn't been made to counter it yet, like he had to last time!

(Disclaimer: Obviously I'm a just a jellus cow that can't identify true love when i see it.)

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Ted's Business Deal

Oh dear..... RIGHT on the day that the long awaited family photos appear with our Panty Mantis, Ted Casablanca decides to put the proverbial cat amongst the pigeons:

Dear Ted:
Do you agree that Matt Damon has the right idea choosing a woman not in the business? His marriage seems so secure and normal. What chance do you give Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr? I give it a year maybe. They are cute as buttons together, but I still think Orlando is making a mistake not choosing a nice British girl who is not in the public eye 24/7.

Dear Business Deal:

Matt and Luciana are everything right about Hollywood. I wouldn't even compare them and the Orlando-Miranda duo (Orlanda?), but if you insist, I'd say Orly needs to find someone much more low-key if he really wants some lifelong companionship. Something tells me Miranda, whose star has only recently skyrocketed, is much too wild for boring old Bloom.

"Dear Business Deal".......

Naughty Ted, taking the shine of the Panty Mantis' specul moment and giving us jellus cowz something else to laugh about. I wonder if we'll get a Ted style retraction like we did last time....

A bit of hard labour..

Poor Orlando!

In the morning he had to dress up as batman and perambulate with his performing dingo, and if that wasn't enough in the afternoon they enacted the clause in his patronship of the Marlowe that stated that he could be called upon to take over if they were short of labourers.

No wonder Sam is laughing so hard, her brother looks like he's auditioning for a part in the YMCA video...

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


Just because I thought we all deserved a photo of Orlando sans Mantis, dressed up like Batman and looking cute....

(I wonder if he found a quiet corridor to run down in that thing - I tried it at my friends graduation (post reception) we certainly found it hilarious at the time... though I suspect its probably a little less funny minus the champagne..)

Caption Time

Sam: Someone please kill me now.....

Dr. Bloom

First things first!

Congratulations to Orlando on managing to rock the Batman outfit that is UK academic dress - thats an extremely bright red he's got on AND he's managed to wear a suit - something that was causing me concern (I had visions of him turning up in his normal attire.....)

Sonia and Colin look well proud, but its Sam's face I like the most - if thats not a big sister WTF moment, I don't know what is...

I think congratulations are in order for the Panty Mantis too, after literally years of ribbing from us jellus cowz about how she is singularly absent from any photos involving OB's family - she's finally struck gold - admittedly she had to get engaged to him and fly half way round the world to do it - but she's managed it - Well done PM, hopefully we'll all go away now eh??

one final thing - I'm glad this moment was shared with our happy couples fav. paparazzo Mr Big - I wonder if he will be doing the wedding shots!

Monday, 12 July 2010

Alerts to make you L.O.L

Do you know, I wasn't going to post about this - it seemed far too mundane, but then I thought again...

So far I've received alerts that say the following
a)the Panty Mantis is pregnant
(does anyone actually care apart from them at this stage)
b)the Panty Mantis isn't pregnant
(oh i get it - its the new "ground hog day")
c)the Panty Mantis was surprised at being proposed to
(the only "surprised" I'd believe is that she was surprised that her electric ball clamp had finally worked)
d)Orlando popped the question only because he was consumed with jealousy
(ah, don't worry OB - you can join our club )
e) Orlando only popped the question because she's up the duff....
(how romantic, THIS is believable....)

all of this, all in one day..... anyone would think she was due back home and needed to make herself of interest seeing the engagement rumours only had a couple of days of impact before it all got swamped by more interesting news...

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Our Private Panty Mantis.....

Finally, after 2 weeks of silence (whilst she located her groom) our bride to be has both found an AWOL Orlando and located a friendly newspaper to share the news of her pending nuptials...

From here

SUPERMODEL (I think they mean Pantymodel) Miranda Kerr has opened up for the first time about her engagement to Hollywood heart-throb Orlando Bloom, her dilemma over where the couple will wed and rumours she is pregnant.

I imagine she's only opening up now because she's finally found out where he's been hiding himself and the pregnancy rumours havent exactly caught on across the worlds media....

In an exclusive interview with The Sunday Times, the stunning (excellent back to our favourite word I see) face of David Jones revealed she was genuinely shocked when Bloom, her boyfriend of four years, finally popped the question.

"We have been together for a while now and we had talked about it, but when it actually happened it was a total surprise," she said.

After years of false alarms, announcements that have been squashed by Orlando's rep I bet she's surprised he was finally worn down - I wonder if she had those Bridal Pants pictures in storage from the other times it was "announced"

But the 27-year-old brunette beauty quashed rumours she is pregnant.

"The rumours started as soon as it became known we were engaged. We are ignoring them and enjoying this moment," Kerr said.

I think that should read "we are starting them and milking this moment", at least she understands that she needs a looooong engagement - the Press seem a lot less interested in married couples (unless of course they are getting divorced).

"I have always been very open about wanting to be a mother one day and I've always thought Orlando would be a great dad."

The notoriously private couple have been tight-lipped since their engagement was officially announced through their US agent three weeks ago.

Notoriously Private? They have an interesting definition of notoriously private if they are saying it about these 2 - they have the paps document as much of their "lyfe" together as they possibly can

Since then, they have been flooded with well wishes - and some unique engagement presents.

Carlton United Breweries sent the couple a slab of personalised Crown Lager. On the label, it said: "Miranda & Orlando - Congratulations on your engagement!"

I'm glad to see the corporate sponsorship is coming on apace - I wonder if there is any news from Lisa Ho yet??

But the Victoria's Secret model said she and Bloom were not sure when and where they would wed.

"We have family and friends all over the world so deciding where is a tricky one," she said.

I imagine it is a bit hard to decide who is going to give you the most money for an exclusive until all the offers are on the table....

"We are enjoying being engaged for the time being and will take our time in making any plans. We are both very private so would like it to be intimate and personal."

Ah I see, so rushing off to look at churches with your mum two days after the announcement is taking time making plans? Plus I'm not sure that paparazzi ordinarily hang outside houses of god on the offchance that there may be a celeb in there looking at churches, well not unless you call them first... Yes i can see how private she is.....

But Kerr said she'd been touched by the response her engagement engendered in her home town.

"It's so sweet. It's nice to feel the support of your home town," she said.

Maybe she will have a shot gunnedah wedding after all??

Kerr will return to Australia this month to prepare for the David Jones summer collections launch on August 3 and the lavish opening of the renovated Bourke St store in Melbourne on August 12.

But her 33-year-old fiance will not make the trip Down Under with her. "Sadly not - he will be shooting a movie," she said.

i have to it to her though, she's taken my draft plan for trips back home and added a whole new level to it... I think I may have to go back and redraft!

Friday, 9 July 2010

Lets cover the checklist shall we?

I think i'll start this one by listing all the different observations that have been rife across the net since Orlando made the MK the happiest Panty Mantis on the planet...

1) that Orlando was singularly unkeen to spend time with his bride to be
2) that he always looked like he was about to commit suicide
3) That he seriously needed a wash
4) that she didn't spend any time in England with him
5) that she hasn't done a "meet the parents" shot yet with OB's mum and Dad

Don't both OB and the Panty Mantis seem to be singularly unlucky keeping low profile. I can guarantee you that Paparazzi don't, as a norm, hang out round the arrival gates of Heathrow, so which ever pap by chance managed to catch our happy couple coming of the plane together and doing the loved up vibe, was one seriously lucky bugger! Its funny JJ seems to keep on with his lucky streak in this department doesn't he, I knew OB would need friends like Jared around now!

Back on topic: What is even more of a happy coincidence is that handily the pictures seem to, in one swoop, address certain areas of concern for our loved up couple that have been raised in various places to date and of course by us in our fat n jellus depression since the announcement!

Now THAT is what I call lucky!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

What a lovely photo!

Isn't this a nice one of Orlando!

He's in Germany watching football with a female friend. Look at him - he looks engaged with life, happy and interested in his companion and singularly lacking the usual Phuneral Phace he seems so intent on wearing round his beloved..

Maybe that is something else their PR people would like to fix in the near future?

The Man your man could smell like...

IT seems its crossed other peoples minds that perhaps Orlando might need a bit of an image revamp before he takes on his new advertising role. You can check it out here. It seems they think even old Brucie Willis would smell better than OB...

In the meantime, I thought we could all do with a refresher on the theory behind the advertising of male cologne.....

"I'm on a horse :D"

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Those Blimmin busy schedules...

I have to extend the greatest thanks to Ducati for the provision of this particular treat - I read it and thought No! someone can't of actually written that - but apparently they have..

without further delay, allow me to share Orlando and the Panty Mantis' baby plans:

Showbiz spy reported the following (indicated in Bold)

Sources say the couple — who recently announced that they’re planning to marry after several years of dating — have been discussing when to have kids, but it appears their busy schedules might get in the way.

ahh those busy schedules again.... they really are responsible for a lot aren't they?

“Orlando and Miranda have been discussing when to start a family,” said a source close to the couple. “He wants to be a father and she can’t wait to be a mom — they just need to find time in their busy schedules.

Actually, I'm personally not surprised they dont have time to shag. They only seem to meet up to be caught out by the Paps, and shagging in front of a camera seems to be below even them..... for now.......

But wait ....we're getting to the extra special bit

“They’ll get the wedding out of the way before they even think about trying to conceive. And if they can’t find time for that, they’re both open to adoption.”

So, they can find time to plan a wedding, to release every bit of saleable detail to the world in general AND bring up a child with their busy schedules..... but they cant find time to shag??????

Orlando my love, if you are going to use your busy schedule to get out of boning skeletor, you really need to get filming pronto, I'm not sure a Boss campaign is going to cut it....

Boss Man Bloom

A few things struck me with this photos:

1) how nice it is to see JJ's friendship with Orlando is continuing - he's going to need men like JJ around in the coming months!

2) Someone pointed out how rare it is for paparazzi to hang out round German airports.... how wrong can they be - these paps 'managed' to catch orlando arriving in germany as luck would have it just after the announcement that he was taking up Boss ad campaign - isn't life full of coincidences!!

3) Nice briefcase you have there Orlando - very business like, obviously already working the Boss vibe...

4) though I am actually rather supportive of OB's move to a bit of modelling, (scrubbed up he is one beautiful man) - it did occur to me that OB will need to play down the scruffy-I-havent-been-near-a-bath-for-a-week look if he's going to pull this off - after all who wants to smell like someone who looks as if he hasnt washed for ages......

Bring on the grooming!!

Cc'd for your information

To Miranda
From: Lucinda
cc'd: Wanda and Joders

Subject: Bridesmaids

Hi Mantis Miranda
I hope you are well and all your rumour-mungering hard work hasn't either worn you out or detracted from your excitement as you prepare to be set for life for the happiest day of both you and Orlando's lives.

I've now got two fatnjellus bridesmaids to be part of the bridal party. Are you happy for them to provide their own dresses? its just that Joders has a perfect pink dress that she thinks will fit right in with your style. I'll need to speak to Wanda about her outfit plans though.

Have you manage to get your dress yet from Lisa Ho - I do think that she would be the best designer for you a hobag in a Ho, how more appropriate can you get

I recieved the Whora Kora catalogue - thanks. I hadn't realised you expected the hens to by the entire range before they are allowed to come to you hen do, though if the range isnt doing that well, it would be an excellent way to boost sales.

Have you got Orlando back yet? Last I heard he was doing anything but spending any time with you busy with work but I'm sure your schedules will coincide soon....

I'm sure you must be as pissed as hell elated to hear of the Boss Modelling job he's got. Maybe you can give him tips on how to take his clothes off and look like a slut.... actually :D posing in the best way to promote the brand.

With best wishes

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Orlando's been tangoed

No, you can all relax - we aren't revisiting the stage Orlando went through with the fake bake bottle...

He's been named as the new front man for Boss Orange and apparently he's rather excited, he said:

"Boss Orange is a brand I immediately identified with because it has a laid-back, spontaneous quality I relate to."

I wonder if he means 'cant be arsed to run away quick enough' by 'laid-back'. It would explain a lot about his recent engagement...

I do wonder how his Mantis fiancee will take to the news though..... Orlando is obviously more of a celebrity than her, his career has reached more high points than hers within the field, she hasn't got anywhere with breaking into acting, and yet he's scored another top modelling job

Nice one Orlando!! us jellus haterz the world over will like you for that if nothing else...

Especially for Wanda: Part 2

There are a couple of reasons why I thought that I'll fill in the gap with with a few more beautiful, mantis free photos of OB....

1) to celebrate the continued absence of photos of the happy couple (don't worry Mantis, we all know they are coming).
2) To deliver on my promise to Wanda not to damage her vision with more recent photos of OB.
3) To remind us all that the look as exemplified by the latest Hobbit style wimbledon photos) are (please Orlando) just a phase he's going through....

Hot Orlando 1:

Hot Orlando 2:

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Finally, the Mantis Responds!

Well would you believe it, I checked my email this morning and look what had come in :

deare lusinder,
mye newe agente haz arsked mee to come backe to yew aboute mye bridezmaydes. Of couse eye wasnzt goinge to lette aniy of yew fat ugglee cowz neare my weddinge but Aileeen thynks thate it mighte save Orlandoes demo, um.... demo oh fuk it peoplee lyking orlandoe.

yew can telle wanda that she canne be won off mye bridezmaydes, and yew can selcte anover fatty to paiyre up with herr. I heare yew, joderz and those blogsowrth bytches are alll fat and jellus, so maybee yew coulde have a comptetion or somthinge.

One thinge though, I will have orlandoe guarded at alle tymes (I cante riske him runninge awaye with Viggo againe) and thayte meens that yew bytches cant trye to adbduct hime either. Eye've read "Operation Abduct Whorley" and yew arent' pulling thayte shyte on mee...

Ohe and yew canne starte organising mye hen do if yew lyke. eye'll sende yew the Kora catalgogue. EYe cante tell yew whene the dayte is yet, Orlandoe managed to escappe and eye havente managed to gette him backke.

Remmeber! Donte trye anythinge funneye.

So there we have it, finally she's responded (though I see no sign of a date as yet - I'm sure the Dingho's trackers are on the case as we speak poor boy)

Do I have any other volunteers to pair up with wanda as a bridesmaid - I'd offer to do it, but Orlando is legendarily careful with money and I'm not sure he'd be that pleased to have to pick up the cost of the flight from the UK!

Friday, 2 July 2010

A brief post script..

Just to add that gutting as it is to see Murray out of the Wimbledon final, it is some consolation to see exactly how keen our bridegroom is to spend time with his fiancee..... obviously their busy schedules are clashing again!!!!

Especially for Wanda.....

......Beautiful, pre mantis, hot Orlando

(I'll try to stop posting the fugly ones wanda - I appreciate the damage it does :D)

Happy Fridays!

Finally THE photo we've been waiting for..... A picture of Orlando literally glowing with love and excitement. Look at light shining is his eyes as he spends time with his true love - he looks alive, doesn't he?

Would you like a picture of him with his true love too?

Ok then:

Perhaps I should of said true loves (plural).... anyway its lovely to see our bridegroom happily surveying those that are important to him!!

So much better than the funeral face we are used to seeing on him at times, I can even cope with dishevelment!

Someone on another site also found a mention the Good Doctor here, if only it would actually be released somewhere, somehow!

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Blushing Bride Groom: Located!

FInally! Our groom has come on the radar.... in London!

Apparently there were numerous twitters overnight about OB enjoying himself at Kings of Leon concert. What a shame he didn't bring his fianceee along too in her bride pants - I hear shes rather fond of some of the KoL band members, there would have been an opportunity to palm her off on one of them....

Moving back to the story of the hour: The forthcoming Mantis nuptials - the internet is rife with rumours that our panty mantis is about to drop mini mantis'. It could explain the speed of it all - she is acting as if the hounds of hell are nipping at her heels...

The cynical side of me is still appreciating the PR angle on the latest news... I guess time will tell..

One thing for sure - if she does have one in the oven, thats going to make a cracking chapter in "treashur urself"!

I wonder if a combined Hen party / baby shower with Kora products would work????

Oh, and the picture is just because .... :D