Thursday, 30 September 2010

Mr Tumnus is back

Mr Tumnus has made a reappearance I see.....

Treashur Ureself: Update

I have been overwhelmed with excitement over the Panty Mantis announcement about her announcement to the extent that I didnt know what to with myself whilst I waited for it.... so I headed over to her Mantis blog for some inspiration - and what do I read......

Whilst we have been idling away our time considering the merits of Killer collars and 3D boobies, another extract from treasure ureself has been revealed.

I'm so sorry I havent picked up on this before now. i'd like to say its because I've been so busy with life, but obviously someone as fat'n'jellus as me doesnt have one so that can't be it.. anyway - lets put the past behind us and concentrate on being our "incredible selves!"

You can find the latest update here in full but I think a few of the more salient points deserve closer attention!

Now I'll say this up front, I'm gonna ignore most of what the Mantis Mommy has said at the beginning (she's her mom and therefore understandably biased so we'll let her off!).

I'm also going to ignore the confusion I felt about the comment that our mantis is one of the top ten models in the world Is that like the GCSE grades now where you used to only get an A grade, now you can get an A* or an A** so an A actually doesnt mean what it once did. I guess in this situation it must mean you get top ten models.... top ten supermodels and then top ten supermodels of all time .

I like this one though:

" To be successful you just have to get up one more time than you fall down. Miranda has done that time and time again."

I'm quite impressed that Team Mantis are prepared to publicity admit that 99.9% of the PR set ups and rumours that our Mantis has planted or been involved in have fallen down - and I think we can all agree she's very good at getting up again ....

And then there was this one (yes we are back on those positive affirmations sigh) I thought this one showed a surprising amount of self awareness from our mantis:

"I have no limits – I am limitless. I decide what I want from life and everything I want is available to me. I believe in magic and magic happens.”

The panty mantis certainly is limitless in what she'll do for attention - the 3D boobies was just one of a long list of getting her tatties out in the name of fashion / art - obviously she is aware from the above that she is not limited by the concept good taste......

And in case it wasnt clear, I already know i'm fat, jellus and want orlando all to myself, please dont feel the need to point it out to me

A Paris Photoshoot....

Horrified as I am to see that our happy couple has had their privacy invaded YET again, I'm glad to see that our Panty Mantis has heeded my sage advice and headed out to get some maternity wear, I'm actually going to say something nice about one aspect of her outfit! Are you guys ready.......... I like her coat....its a nice shape.

I think i need a lie down after that.......

The rest of it of course i don't like, those 80's throwback drainpipes, her greasy phace and is that hairdo she something she's had sealed on for posterity .... but we'd be here all day if I started listing those

Orlando is again looking clean too, maybe thats because her enheightened sense of smell means that 3 weeks in the same T-shirt are over, for now.. apparently he's in Paris for a show . It must be nice for them to be back in Paris, back reminded of romantic times, just them - a horrified bystander and 15 of their best photographers, no wonder Orlando is looking quite so elated!

Its good to see Mr Big just happened to be in Paris at the same time again - He really is good at "finding" our hounded couple isn't he - or maybe he is just that "lucky"...

Sig: FAT....JELLUS........O 2 Myself

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

The Life of a Model

More footage has surfaced on you tube of OB doing the modelling thang for Uniglo, you can see it here...

I don't think that this is a fake tan company to be honest, for some reason Orlando isnt orange in the moving version of the advert, nor is he suffering from lock jaw or overkill of "blue steel" ... all criticisms that could be leveled at some of the still shots.. In both the 'behind the scenes' shots and the actual advert, OB looks his beautiful self so I say again WHY OH WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PHOTOSHOP HIS ASS OUT OF EXISTENCE UNIGLO?

sorry, I obviously feel rather strongly about OB being misrepresented pictorially speaking....(you tend to feel that professional shots of him are the only bit of him left untarnished by Mantis if you are fat and jellus)

Of course if Uniglo was a fake tan company it would explain that awful interview section in the middle where its painfully obviously OB hasn't a clue what he's talking about, but I've covered that before.

ps Anomers: I didnt put this in the last post but obviously you have a memory like a goldfish so from now on the I will put a signature at the bottom of each post to help remind you... are you ready?

Fat, Jellus, want Orlando all to myself

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

An Australian Affair

Two posts in one day can generally be considered overkill, but not when there is quality information out there like this next one.....

According to here Orlando and our Panty Mantis are planning to give birth to Mini Mantis in Australia -

Nothing wrong with Australia you might think, and you'd be right (other than neither of them live there and I can imagine that Daddy would need to be away quite a bit on business, but I imagine given past form, that could work very well indeed for them)but its not that bit of the article that I'm finding quite so amusing...

Happily the writer of this article had also been "lucky" enough to contact a source close to our happy couple (I personally think that certain Mantis family members should have learnt from last time that this kind of behaviour gets them into hot water, but handily for us it seems they have yet to learn that lesson)

"They both love it there and of course Miranda's family will be on hand although Orlando is thinking of chartering a flight from the UK to make sure the whole family is there for the big arrival," added the source.

So, if you believe what you read, Orlando couldn't be arsed to fly his family in to witness his wedding, but now he's going to charter a flight so that everyone can witness the birth of his new offspring..... What I'm thinking is why stop there - they missed out on a full wedding, this could be their chance to celebrate

Wanda, Joders, I'm sure there is a role in there for you guys somewhere, can you dig out your dresses

Perhaps he could fly in a few of his favourite paparazzi for the event too, and I'm sure Lisa Ho could be persuaded to design a special "Giving Birth" dress for the occasion (though she'd probably need to make it out of something wipe clean....)


whilst we've all been focusing on the Mantis's 3D boobies more photos have emerged from the Uniglo campaign. I think the two on the left are Orlando, but Im pretty sure thats Orlando's grumpier and more orange twin on the right..

Seriously though, I'm going to say this again - why do they have to photoshop the hell out of him, he is a good looking guy, a few lines aren't going to decimate his demographic .... well not more than he's already managed with his pet mantis anyway

Monday, 27 September 2010


Image: Orlando Bloom tries hard to maintain his dignity in the face of open ridicule

How exciting, the Mantis' boobies are now not only out in pictures so large the the diameter resembles a small roundabout, but they are also in 3D. Vogue have kindly put a enormous exhibition devoted to 3D photographs of her with her baps out - nice eh!

It seems that you too can have the experience of being up close and personal to the mantis' puppies.. What a proud day for Orlando - I wonder if he gets a proportion of the entrance fee for each guest, seeing as how its his "wifes" boobies up there on display in the name of art....

I understand why Orlando looks the way he does in this photo, but I am a little confused about why the Panty Mantis is looking excited - surely she's looked at them in a mirror before, or is because the little one, in her belly has started kicking her hard at the thought of lunches to come....

p.s: Yo! Anomers -Just in case you've forgotten I know I'm Fat, Jellus and want Orlando all to Myself AND cant appreciate stunningness when I see it - please don't feel the need to point it out - you must get bored of typing the same thing and I'm certainly getting bored of deleting it.....

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Milan Calling

Poor old OB and his Pregnant Panty Mantis, were caught out twice yesterday evening, first by the rain and then by those pesky paparazzi as they went out for a romantic dinner together with 20 of their closest photographers...

"OY yew evul Cowz, yew telle mee eye'm not stunninge and gawguss ande eye'll gette yew"

Later that evening, Orlando finally took her to that which she desires most; a public event with photographers, she actually has my sympathy - its been a while since he last let her out! I haven't posted the pictures here - one of the mantis is more than enough on for a person to be looking at on a sunday morning, but she is certainly very small for someone who is 6 months pregnant and a braver person than most people I know, doing an evening in stilettos whilst in her condition...

If it wasn't for the Hobbit Hair I'd say Orlando was looking good here (i'm not a fan of that hairdo but he's doing a role so I'll let him off). Nice coat and nice grey cardi / white shirt combo - plus he looks like he's had his annual bath!

I wonder what that woman with the microphone is asking him...... the guy behind him looks a bit surprised!

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Fashion! fashion! fashion!

Fresh back from London Fashion Week and feeling sartorially inspired, I felt a short focus on fashion was in order. Happily there was no sign of our expectant Mantis at the event I went to - I would not of wanted to be faced with her Stunningness in the flesh - there's only so much a person can take! She was safely sightseeing round a schloss in Germany but it did give me cause to reflect on the calibre of her maternity wear thus far, even though I realise I will never be as gawguss, successful, or as stunninge as her.....

- First of all there is of course that Hat - I understand that one's hair gets greasy when one has a bun in the oven but I would of though Run DMC weren't the best people to take your style direction from when choosing a hat, there are many cute styles out there at the moment that would serve the same purpose hair wise, but would look chic as well!

- Skinny jeans are also an interesting choice for someone who is 5 months pregnant - I would of though there is a reason why maternity jeans tend to have a maternity panel but not where our Mantis is concerned - perhaps thats because she only has a sandwich sometimes - and not every day for lunch like the rest of us!

- Then of course there is that see through travel dress - admittedly it looks comfy (though to be fair it also looked comfy at its original length) but I'm not sure that a 75% transparency rating is a look you rock whilst up the duff..

Apparently they are both due in Italy for a Vogue event over the weekend, it will be interesting to see what formal maternity wear looks like in her book..... Generally her public evening event wardrobe seems one hell of a lot better put together than what she pulls of au naturel.... still I guess thats why you have a stylist...

I just hope Orlando leaves the killer collar at home - though the boots could probably work in the right setting !

Friday, 24 September 2010

Business as Usual

There really isn't much to report other than OB is still filming in Germany...

And of course the Panty Mantis is still hanging around in Germany - she's allegedly too big to travel according to her FB.... its funny, the photos of her mooching round a German Schloss didn't give much indication she was too big to travel to me - mind you, that maybe the result of the exceedingly small pair of jeans she'd shoehorned herself into for the occasion. One things for sure, She seems too big to carry her own handbag judging from the latest snaps and OB humping it around at the airport....

(I know, I know fat, jellus, want Orlando to myself etc etc etc) Still, I thought i'd cheer us fatties up on a friday by posting another hawt premantis whorely photo :D

Formal Notice

To: Anomers who posted a comment last night and whose comment is not showing this morning
From: TSO Administration

Date 24/09/2010

Subject: your comment


I'm formally telling you I have been unable to bring myself to approve your comment. I've a solid rationale for this which I would like to explain. I would of communicated this to you in private, but since you leave no contact details of any description, I've had to resort to a public memorandum:

1) You have already said all that in your previous edifying communications, I think repetition brings the tone even lower than it apparently already is.

2) I've also had the opportunity to agree with you that that we are all fat, ugly and pathetic on here and want Orlando all to ourselves in response to you last time. Its painful for us all to know she's so stunning and we're not - can you please stop pointing it out.

3) Your comment that all of us on here are not all tru fans of orlando is painful in the extreme. I'm completed gutted not to be counted amongst the faithful.

Please leave me and the others on here in our misery, you rays of inspiration are too bright for us to handle right now I'm afraid.

Thank you

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Compare the

I think we need to have brief interlude to explain a few things, confusion does seem to reigning in some quarters of the net over where you go for what... i think its a bit like Compare the and compare the (You know the advert? if not -click here, Aleksander is hilarious, anyway...).

So are we all listening?:

- If you are fat, jellus, pathetic (thats a new one - thanks anomers) want Orlando all to yourself, can cope with snarky commentary and enjoy drooling over pre mantis photos of him (mainly) - Congratulations, You're in the right place!

- If you wish to celebrate the trueness of their love and coo over photos of them together you aren't in the right place. I understand Mayfrayn has a most excellent community over on Live Journal where you can do just that, safe in the knowledge that you wont have to deal with any jellus people like me! (May if you wish to post a link so people can find it easily, please do, I don't what the URL is)

There wouldn't be a lot of point on me heading over to Mays journal with my opinion, She'd rightly get a bit cranky with me and I imagine I would be in a minority of one. Similarly there probably isn't a lot of point in pro OB and his pet Mantis people lingering too long on here - I'm likely to get a bit cranky too , but i have the added aspect of being fat, jellus, pathetic and wanting Orlando to myself which tends to make a person even more irritable...

To Quote Aleksander "Simples"

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

The Masterplan...

How glad I am to see our private Panty Mantis is swinging back in action with avengence and telling the world about her plans for her little one (in her belly).... Suprisingly it isn't world domination... well not yet anyway

But she has set her sites on Orlando yet again (you'd think she'd leave him alone, the poor bugger - i think we need to give Phree Orlando another boost). Apparently Orlando gets to change the nappies, I bet he's thrilled....

I won't do a digest of the article because Joders has already done such a fabulous job with it, and sometimes its better not try and improve on perfection.... (and NO Panty Mantis, I did not mean you with that comment!!) but if you've a brave heart and a strong stomach you can read it here though I feel it my duty as a responsible blogger to warn you that its largely made up of snippets from her Facebook with the old line about "being her incredible self" thrown in for good measure..

Its nice to see the brand of Baby Bloom is alive and well and building an identity prior to its entry to the world, poor thing - I imagine it will be modelling its own baby care range by 6 months..

In other news, Orlando is apparently set to start on Albert Nobbs in November. I've been hoping this one wont be put back and back like so many of the others really wanting to see this one, fingers crossed it gets off the ground this time!

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Thought for the day...

A small poetical offering to start the day properly...

Orlando was awarded a dingho
As a prize after playing some bingo
The bytch bit his bum, which wasn't that fun,
And it spoke a peculiar ling

Perhaps our Mantis could sing it to the little one (in her belly)

the FINAL word

blimey you guys have been busy over night..... this is what I get for being asleep when a perfectly good bytch fight is going on...

I'm going to do two posts today - this one is to clear up what i understand about the whole copyrite issue and answer a certain democratic question:


As I understand it, if you pay for something, you don't own the copywrite unless you specifically purchase that too. So in the example that brought on such an enthusiastic discussion, it doesnt stack up. Had I not referenced it as a source and just put the quote in there, it would have counted as plagiarism - like the Panty Mantis and her Winston Churchill quote for example... May would of course be perfectly entitled to inform The Times of the use of quote but as she has also posted in various places, that would line her up for the same response from them. As in both cases the source is reference, I doubt they would have much problem with it. Articles from papers are used all the time in academic study - the key is in the referencing (and to be fair I probably should of detailed edition page number that kind of thing too - but as I'm not writing an academic essay - you will all have to put up with sloppy referencing!)


as Wanda rightly pointed out, I'm perfectly entitled to delete or publish any comments as I see fit, thats the beauty of having your own blog!

BUT (and May this is the important bit - please read it, note it for future reference, I hate having to repeat myself) I haven't deleted ANYONES comments. Your comments were put into the spam filter box I have set up on here, I'm not sure why it did it to yours but it did..... (actually joders one of yours was in there too from ages back...sorry, I hadnt found that area of Blogger before!). I actually believe in giving the people the right to a freedom of expression unless they are actively trolling - and in that case they deserve what they get...

Nuff said! - Can we lighten up a bit now, this isn't world famine - its a panty mantis and her trapped handbag....

Monday, 20 September 2010

A final word on the "wedding"....

Wanda, Joders... I just wanted to check you were ok after Orlando's big reveal in the times, you must be gutted.... Just thinking that our happy couple so callously ignored your offers to be bridesmaids makes me spit... I'm really sorry you guys missed out...

It must be some consolation though to know that you weren't the only ones to miss out, their friends and families were also not invited. After months of silence on the subject, Orlando finally had this to say about it in the Times on Saturday:

Bloom, 33, got married himself in July, to the model Miranda Kerr, who he had been dating for three years and who is expecting their first child in January. “We decided to elope. It was the most romantic thing — a bit spur-of-the-moment, but so great, so lovely, just the perfect fit for us. The wedding was something we were planning, but when we got to the location we were thinking of doing it in, which was a private island in the Caribbean, we ended up thinking, why would we wait? Why don’t we just do it now? Our families and friends are spread so dramatically across the world, from Australia to the UK to America, and I’m going to be working for such a long stretch, that it was, you know ... the way we got to do it was wonderful. It was just us

I'm glad to hear from the horses mouth that loves young dream lives on but Im a bit confused though - our mantis had dresses flown in. You'd think if there was time to get a dress in from australia there would have been time to get some family in from there too? Obviously not! So they had time for dresses and I seem to recollect they had time for a top photographer to join them, though that of course is less suprising,
they tend to take one with them when they travel from what I've seen!

what is perhaps more odd is that Jared hasn't had a wedding exclusive yet? Actually silly me, I'm forgetting how private our happy couple are...

And just so our Annomyemus veewier is absolutely clear on this

Yes, I am Fat, Jellus and wanting Orlando all for myself - please dont feel the need to point this out to me again, its hard enough being tormented by the perfection of their twu luurve day in day out, without you adding it to it!

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Missing a trick

It seems i'm missing a trick - apparently Orlando, sans the latest in killer neckwear and a killer mantis with her baby (in her belly), is emblazoned across London for Uniglo.... its funny - I've been in town and not seen the ads - must be in the wrong part of town..... I have to say i'm liking the campaign photos BUT i'd like them a whole lot more if they werent so airbrushed....

I'm also hoping our Mantis is enjoying the chance to see what a successful ad campaign looks like when one keeps ones clothes on!

remember Panty Mantis, its never too late to learn how to model with class, your "husband" hasnt let us down yet on a modelling campaign - maybe he could give you a few pointers?

(I know, I know - fat , jellus, orlando to myself etc etc etc)

Totally unrelated - but I just wanted to say that we've gone over 30,000 hits today. When i started out with this I was surprised that anyone apart from me read it! So thanks for all your input - it wouldnt be half as fun without all the comments.

I'm quite amazed that TSO now gets visitor from all over the globe but I thought today i'd give a particular shout out to our friends from Germany seeing as they are hosting our favourite couple at the moment

On the one hand you have my utter sympathy having to have the panty mantis parading around on your soil at the moment, armed with her Yoga Mat ready to hide the baby (in her belly) from those "pain in the arse" paparazzi. On the other though, you do of course have Orlando in heels, you have one of Big birds cousins AND you have the Oktoberfest coming up - OB, Birds and Booze - sounds like a match made in heaven !!

Being Incredible!

I've had a chance to reflect on our Mantis' email from the other day and its made me feel bad. I felt I needed some inspiration on being my beautiful self and being "in charge of my destiny" so i went back to treashure ureself and the Whora blog for some pointers on where I was going wrong.

After all being fat, jellus and wanting orlando all to myself surely can't be terminal..... I came back refreshed, ready to hop down to the supermarket to get some goji berries and noni juice and start my positive affirmations until my attention was drawn to a couple of things....

I read that the Panty Mantis has apparently said she doesnt smoke - my first reaction was to laugh hysterically and shout bullshit over a loud speaker to the local neighbourhood - I tried to recall Treashure ureself's concept of letting go of wrongs and living in the moment, really I did!! - but that made me laugh even more hysterically - Damn, a bit of a fail there then..

Having failed so badly at the first test, I thought a quick recap back at the Whora site would help me refocus and I came across some advice from our PM for aspiring models (I'm presuming she feels able to help now she seems to be off the field at the moment. I can't post it all here - too much enlightenment isn't good for a person in one sitting bt there are a few specul moments I wanted to share ...

such as this
"Don’t try to be anything other than who you are. Agencies and clients can pick fakes – be proud to be you and let your uniqueness show"

What an interesting comment from our Mantis, who seems, to me anyway, to spend 90% of her time trying to build a life based on phakery... so thats Be myself..... got that one

or this...
"Stick to your convictions and beliefs. Don’t ever feel pressured to do something your not totally comfortable with."

ah so she was comfortable during those Pirelli shots after all or shes not very good at following her own advice, does she mean that I can stick to my conviction that she's a bonefide gold digging panty mantis then... um.... probably not Ok so thats Just say no..

but I think we are starting to get somewhere with this one
"Avoid the pitfalls of comparing yourself to others – you will never be another person. Treasure Yourself and build on your own strengths and weaknesses and dare to show yourself how incredible you can be."

Now I understand...... I'm never going to be anything other than fat, jellus and wanting Orlando all for myself, I'm never going to be a gawguss supamodel, but if i buy treashure ureself i won't mind too much...

you can read the rest of them here (but be careful, too much good advice in one sitting can overload the brain!)

In other news - Orlando has broken months and months of silence about the happiest day of his life to share a few snippets of information on his "wedding". According to the Saturday Times he apparently was scouting locations with his pet mantis and they found one that was so stunning and gawguss that they had to get married immediately- how romantic eh ...... its a bit of a shame they didnt share that one with the parents - I'm sure I remember at the time both saying they knew that those kerrazy kids were going to get hitched before it happened but weren't allowed to say anything.... obviously I need to drink more Noni juice to mend that memory of mine!

Friday, 17 September 2010

An attack of the killer collar...

Nice one Orlando - hopefully if you try and do another staged "kiss on set" with our pumpkin headed panty mantis (who by the way seems to have partially addressed the serious wardrobe malfunction thats been going on since she has been traumatising europe with her presence) that will keep her at the appropriate distance ! And oh how shocking that those evul or perhaps I should now say Kerrazy Paparazzi were right there to catch the moment of tru luuurve !

All in all I think he's rocking this Elizabethan vibe - but I'm not entirely convinced that a flowery brocade jacket and stripey balloon trousers entirely go fashion wise...

On the plus side, they havent made him wear a "big bird" hat yet .....

Thursday, 16 September 2010

A mixed Bag

A bit of a mixed bag today really..

I couldn't resist posting some more of the Duke, the comments that elicited yesterday were priceless... today no big bird - but he does have an assistant!!

It seems the Panty Mantis (or pumpkin head as I'm now starting to think of her as- its something to do with her top knot and grinning like an idiot most of the time, not very logical I know!) was going to bless the world with her knowledge of Yoga early today! I know how exciting right !!
But then she cruelly retracted sharing the wisdom, how dissapointing. I for one am totally gutted..... she should know by now that we are all hanging on her every utterance to inform our dull and meaningless lives.....

One final thing of interest a friend of mine pointed out to me, probably completely unrelated of course, is this persona on Facebook.

Its one the games they have on there apparently, my friend thought this sounded inordinately like our Panty Mantis!! But our PM is the girl "I'm aiming to be" she needs to be delivering on the Yoga - otherwise I wont stand a chance! I'm not sure just buying treashur ureslef and Kora is going to cut it on its own...

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

My my Duke, what enormous trousers you have!

Introducing Orlando dressed up as the Duke of Buckingham! Very cheeky!

I have to say I'm extremely relieved to see that the threatened modern interpretation turned out to be rubbish!

How exciting: OB back on a film set and with not only enormous trousers but a rather nice pair of boots too!!

Apparently enough is enough!

Listen guys, I think we've been being a bit harsh on the Panty Mantis - I don't think she's used to people actually pointing out the definition of what "authentic" means, or laughing riotously at something she's worked SO hard on - she's getting a bit upset...

oye Lusinder
laste tyme eye wrotte to yew eye ext...... ext..... (fuk) gayve yew an oleave branche, eye showed yew thayt eye was willinge to makye peece. Ofv coursee yew hadde to buye "treashure ureself" ande the whole Kora ragne butte eye was willinge to givve yew somme tyme to du thate. Eye understande that qualtee costes and yew wille alle neede to save uppe.

Eye camee on hear to see howe youre blogge aboute mee was doinge and whate do eye finde??? Yew ahre alle stille talkinge aboute orlandoe, EYE'm the famuous onne nowe!!

yew ahre notte showinge "treashure ureself"anye resepkt whatte so eva. Howe DARE yew saye eye donte knowe whatte eym talkinge aboute. Eye amme the beste ande moste gawguss supamodell in the worlde evah, eye have orlandoe alle to myselfe, eye ame nowe alsoe an experte in mother hoode, in shorte there is nothinge i cante advsie yew onne (or wryte a booke aboute)

yews shoulde stoppe fightinge thisse and learne frome mye wisdom. mye booke is an "heirloom that will passed down for generations to come". Eye'm notte quite sure whate thayt means butte it doesse meane its goodde - BUYE it, its the onlee change yew fatties have lefte...

eye'm notte happie, when eye comme here againe eye expecte yew to havee sorted thisse out! yew ahre evene upsettinge the lyttle onne in mye bellie!

Hmmm do think this is some strange side effect of her pregnancy? Or perhaps some consequence of wearing her hair like its a doughnut attached to a melon..... Either way she doesn't seem to happy, though in fairness she does seem authentically angry to me so I suppose that will be of some relief for her.

Wanda, how is that collection doing?? I don't want her to literally explode in her condition!

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Oh what a busy day

I'm all at sixes and sevens this morning and not sure what to start this post with. So I'll start with a happy thought...

Orlando - back in Germany, back with the curls, back smiling and back without his ring on - do you know, he really does need to get the sucker re-sized, it keeps falling off at the most unfortunate moments.

I'll let you all enjoy that for a moment before announcing that the Panty Mantis has shared a little more of treashure ureself with us. Oh happy day - I'm feeling more enlightened already..

she's picked out a couple of extracts for us to consider - I thought I'd share them:

“I give myself permission to be authentic. I am fully self-expressed and never afraid to be who I really am”

I'm not entirely sure Winston Churhill would agree PM, you seemed to be rather keen on using his words but we'll let that one ride and move on..

“I let go of any wrong done to me or that I have done to others. I forgive myself and others and I live in the present moment, allowing myself to relish new and exciting opportunities”

Ahh did us fatties get a shout out - that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!! Did I say how i cannot WAIT for this to come out. I'm not sure we're quite up to the copy price with our collection yet though....

Monday, 13 September 2010

A model's life

First example:

This is MUCH more like it! The above photo is from the Uniglo campaign. Orlando (thankfully) isnt working the blue steel and doesn't look like he's had an unfortunate encounter with the Tango man. My only criticism is that he looks a bit too photoshopped, but on the other hand he's a lot less photoshopped than his "wife" on the cover of italian vogue....

Second example:

This one is from Me&City. Again, to me this is a good photo of our boy - though he looks blimmin skinny.... must be those bright red trousers he's sporting.

I think i know who is the model in the family Mantis (clue: it aint the one with a phace like a chipmunk :D)

Sunday, 12 September 2010

Those Evil Paparazzi

Thanks so much to the person who pointed out the new addition to the Kora Blog... it really has made my day already.

You remember the whole line of thought "evil paparazzi following our poor hounded couple around"; how poor PM and OB have their privacy continuously invaded because they are just "so hot right now"? You catch my drift?

I'm taking it that you also remember the number of times paparazzi have 'happened' to be from the same agency and in exactly the right place at the right time however unlikely the venue (Im thinking the Church viewing, numerous grocery store visits, numerous bike shots). Plus of course we've had a couple of very good comments from readers here about the true nature of the paparazzi / celeb relationship AND there are quite a few books (I am using the term loosely) on just this subject.

The common factor being of course that the concept of an "Evil" paparazzi chasing round a celebrity 99% of the time doesn't exist. I see it more as a symbiotic relationship - where they keep on scratching each others backs and therefore keeping the whole thing in business...

sorry, bit of a rant... where was I? Oh yes - back to Panty Mantis' Whora Blog!

She has a whole new thread entitled "Those Crazy Paparazzi" - Oh how I laughed when i saw that. I'm hoping she's not seriously hoping to convince her "readership" that she doesnt call in those crazy paps as much as she possibly can. I shall look forward to new entries in this section of the whora blog with great enthusiasm, I can't wait to see what she classes as not called in!!

Lets take this picture of her bump that she's included in her post....You're telling me that little photo shoot wasn't agreed in advance are you panty mantis??? Its very lucky that not only were the paparazzi at LAX they were also at Heathrow just in case the shot was missed, and its also strange that on other occasions Orlando (by far the more celebrated of the two of them) can slip through airports around the globe for months on end (including LAX) without being so much as twittered. In fact, I could be mistaken but I have a feeling she's managed on it on occasion too (usually after OB been caught doing something he shouldnt or has managed to miss a key point in her "career" for no apparent reason)

Poor hounded couple - I'm sure there are still a few people out there that will fall for it (and actually they are probably perfect candidates to be purchasing treashure ureself too... so hats off to the PM for her marketing match!)

Oh and BTW Wanda was totally right - Run DMC circa 1985 was so into the same headgear as the panty mantis, just take a look at the photo!

Saturday, 11 September 2010

A sad day!

As much as I am behind Orlando doing a bit modelling this is a sad day for me. To see him do such a terrible job of being their spokesperson is painful, I thought he was a better actor than that.

So Orlando, I have a bit of advice for you:

a) if you have to do something painfully corporate such as this never ever admit you havent heard of it. For one Uniqlo is in most british high streets, its hardly an unusual brand and also it makes you look like a muppet because you start singing the praises of something you started out by claiming that you've never heard of.... doh!
b) You need to try and project some enthusiasm - You're a method actor right? so imagine you are with Viggo, just the two of you, having a good time ;), and project the enthusiasm you would feel in those circumstances and Bingo, you'd would have pulled it off in spite of point A I imagine.

I have to say though that the actual modelling bit looked hard work, moving about like that trying to pull different poses - it would take me about 2 seconds to feel completely self conscious....

At heathrow....

Panty Mantis: Yooo hoooo paprazaai, eye'm ovar heare, eye knowe mye dresse iss kompletelee ripped butte eye'm stille gawguss ande stunninge

Orlando: C'mon cabbage face - stop grinning inanely every time you see a camera and get a move on. When will you realise that I'm the gorgeous one in this relationship, not you! Plus I've put that blasted ring somewhere, I can't find it and I'm sure some bastard is going to notice the longer we stand here

(can i just say how happy I am to see that Mr Big has yet again been lucky enough to "catch" our hounded couple. He really does seem to have all the luck doesn't he?)

Friday, 10 September 2010

pee ess (From the Panty Mantis)

If anye of yew fatties saye eye'm notte stunninge inne thys pikture, eye'll sette frankei orre siddee on yew ande eye'll telle O (eye've desided tew calle orlandoe "O", eye finde his namme diffikult tew spelle) yew arre alle fatte jellus and wante O alle forre urselfs.

I'll consider myself warned!

A Mantis with a fruit bowl on her head

Ah, normal service resumes I see (after OB's brief and undocumented sojourn in the UK - there was a twitter or something about him getting his teeth whitened).

I guess the Panty Mantis must have been getting rather cross with poor old Orlando, leaving her at home with only facebook for company. Its good to see he's had his ring altered to fit, that was kinda embarrassing - maybe Viggo's made him get one made up!

But look how stunning our Panty mantis too: Being dragged past the paparazzi by O, showing her "belly" and her "little one", having cut her black see-through dress shorter to prove that she's not just a fatty like the rest of us, though I'm not sure where she's going with the fruit bowl on her head - maybe being preggers has made her hair greasy? - I wonder where OB is taking her - I'm sure I could work on some suggestions!

Still its nice to Orlando - I'm liking the Jacket / curls/ Jeans combination - if only he'd left his Pet Mantis in her fruit bowl at home

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Ted strikes again

Here we go again with yet another Blind Vice about Ted's new favourite character Harland Fuss

Dear Ted:
Question, if one of your B.V. stars did something huge—say for example, a gay B.V. star married his beard—would you immediately write about that under their guises or wait a little while? Or would you just not write about it at all because it would give too much away?

Dear Tie the Knot:
If I wrote about it immediately, don't you think it'd be a bit obvious? But if a bearding turns into a not-so-holy matrimony then of course I'm going to dish the deets. Just look at Harland Fuss.

Draw your own conclusions of course, but I think its fairly clear at the very least who Ted would like us to be thinking this is about!

Monday, 6 September 2010

Communication from the Panty Mantis....

First day back at work, I opened up my email and look what Ive received from our Panty Mantis. I thought it was worth sharing !

Deere Lusinder,
eye thoughte eye'd wryte yew fatties a linne to gloatte nowe eye've gotte Orlandoe alle to myselffe and yew havve lostte haw haw haw, eye bette yew ahre alle upsette ande cryinge - serves yew wryte! (shitte.... howe du yew gette ridde of this) to offere yew fatties an oleave branchee. It muste be obvisous bye nowe thayt eye've one, and thayt all yure crewl specu.... specu.... (fuk it) theoriyes are wronge.

Eye culd be nastee butte nowe eye've decidede that nowe eye'm the newe guru of motherhoowd, eye thoughte it would bee morre in keepinge if eye showed thayt eye understande yure tormente. Eye too nowe knowe what it is lyke to be fatte, so we havve somethinge in commone righte?

eye thinke yew shoulde make amends to mee bye gettinge mye book "treashure urselfe", truste mee, yew of alle people neede to reade it (plus eye've gotte 1000 copies to selle), ande of course seome kora stuffe too - eye've saide this before butte yew guys wante to supporte orlandoe righte?.... gette buyinge

yew do thayte and notte only canne we bee friends butte eye mighte lette yew change this site ova to somethinge bettar, yew knowe, somthinge nicee aboutte me and orlandoe....

no promisess thoughe...

If anyone would like the link to "treashure ureself" I'm happy to link you up!

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Just because

Now, I know that before when I have said its all gone a bit quiet - its generally followed by a mother of a pap set up or a special announcement, but I reckon we're safe. What have they got left to do (apart from another set up)..

The Panty Mantis is back posting away on facebook, though apparently she hasn't worked out that if you hit the "more" button you can see comments that are older - bless, technology must be a challenge when you spend most of your time prancing around in your panties - two very different skill sets.....

The 'just because' title is because of the hawt picture of a very young Orlando - way back when (before he had his balls severed - cute huh!)

Friday, 3 September 2010

And now for something completely different

Phew, it went against the grain to have a photo of the PM on the first post for too long !

Can anyone identify this Mantis?

Ok so I kind of gave it away in the title, obviously I do realise its our Panty mantis but holy photoshop batman - she's hardly recognisable...

Obviously in any photo of her that, to me anyway, is a good thing. (i know fat/jellus/orlando for myself) I can also understand the need for Vogue to get their computer tools out before putting "A vision of femininity" next to a photo of our mantis!

(P.s Sorry that i had to put this picture up with this post, it just wouldnt of made sense without it.... but I made it smaller to compensate!)

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Photo Boy

If it hadnt been for Mystic's nudge, the new GQ photoshoot tasters would have completely passed me by! I've been a bit preoccupied with my duathlon training schedule compounded by more than a slight overload of Mantis bump news..... anyway....

OB apparently is in GQ US, and you've guessed it, he's on a bike!

I know, I know - the shock is all too much - still he looks quite cute in a scruffy kind of way - obviously the "wedding" and Mantis spawn press releases have managed to get both of them into the magazines this month!

Also, OB's witness statement has been released by E-online here . It made a fairly amusing read all in all, I particularly enjoyed the bit when he seemed to infer that the Panty Mantis wasn't living with him and also the volume of Deus stuff he had robbed. If she could read English, I'm sure he'd pay dearly for that slip but as it wasnt translated into dingoese, he'll probably get away with it!

Poor bloke though, the whole thing does sound like a bit of a nightmare for him - hopefully now he'll invest in a safe!