Monday, 10 May 2010
Hold onto your lugnuts everyone, it seems both Joders and I have supernatural powers......
I always knew both of us were super talented and special but it seems we have honed our skills to such an extent that we are now able to accurately predict engagement rumours between Orlando and his Panty Mantis.
I can hear all the gasps of shock around the globe as engagement announcement 157 hits the worlds press (or not as the case may be). Even more surprising is that it is (again) corresponding with a the Panty Mantis' plans to return to Oz, they aren't ones for messing with a plan of action are they? Anyway, I thought I'd be helpful and actually write it down as a procedure for them, so they can just cut n paste the next time they want to initiate...
Panty Mantis: Engagement Procedure (draft)
This procedure should be initiated approximately 1 month before any trip to Australia. It must be used if Orlando cannot be persuaded by money or by putting his balls in a nut cracker; its optional but still advised if he is also accompanying the PM to her home.
1) Fly into one of the capital cities of the world (ideally Europe, the public perceive them as more romantic)
2) Make sure that Orlando is actually there (this will not work without him being in the same city)
3) Confirm your hotel and plan for the day with the paparazzi from your favourite celeb blogger.
4) Walk around and try and look like you like each other, if all else fails go for the "over the top" approach, its better than looking like you are both attending a funeral
5) Ideally persuade Orlando to stay in the city with you more than 24 hours, if this is not possible, try and plant the idea of ring shopping on the net, or even better, wear a piece of your own jewelry on one hand or the other and try and flash it at the paps.
6) Contact your favourite papers in Oz (and of course your celeb blogger) and anonymously contact them as a "source" to say that you are finally engaged. N.B it is not advisable to use your brother for this, when it eventually gets out its rubbish you will look stupid and so will he.
Note of Warning: Orlando's people have a habit of rather abruptly denying these rumours, either see if you can get a deal in advance with his PR agency or failing that you will just need advance warning of when this is happening so you can get in there first.
Repeat as needed.
There, I hope thats helpful as a start!