Anyone seen my Goat?

In case you are having difficulty locating certified organic goats in your local area - as promised, I've written down my eating plan for those whose aim it is to be fat and jellus

Daily Diet
(ideally all products would have certification from the Lard Information Council)

When I wake up: A cup of hot Lard with a slice of lemon

For breakfast: Chopped up mars bars in Lard OR Burgers and chips fried in Lard or deep fried fruit (in lard) or if I'm feeling really hungry - all three.

Mid Morning: A Lardshake and some banoffee pie with Lard sauce

Lunchtime: If you can find it a Goat coated in Lard but otherwise something deep fried in lard with deep fried eggy spelt bread fried, of course, in lard

Mid afternoon: a handle of lard nibbles , or some chocolate coated Lard, or a deep fried chocolate coated lard bar (satisfying enough to make even the hardiest of scottish men raise their kilt)

Dinner time: Assuming you still havent managed to locate a certified organic Goat then I'd suggest emptying a draw of your freezer into your deep fat Lard frier and eat the contents up.

Late at night: A hot chocolate made with lard and perhaps more chocolate coated lard

I know its a tough diet to follow but at a minimum of 6000 Calories over requirement per day its guaranteed to pack on in the region of 14lbs a week - remember - the way to keep the weight on is to add it on gradually.....
I also realise the challenges that one faces when eating out so I will devote a separate section for advice on that