Monday, 25 October 2010

The Daily Diet of the Panty Mantis

Oh my days, I've waited a long time for the pleasure of a "diet" plan from the panty mantis - and now she has finally chosen to share the sekrits of her success with us fatties: Original is here - but please do allow me to provide a little touch of commentary:

My typical daily diet: (all certified organic if available) - (ah unlike your product range or so I'm told PM! )


Tahitian Noni juice immediately upon waking ( oh surely not! what a surprise)

Glass of hot/warm water with lemon juice, apple cidar vinegar & yellow box honey or agave

(psst PM! cidER is spelt with an ER at the end last time i checked )

Fruit salad of: pineapple, figs, cherries, apricots, strawberries, raspberries, cranberries, blackberries, prunes, plums, apple, pear (when available)

Goats milk, organic yoghurt or Bornhoffen yoghurt if I don’t have access to goats (because of course goats are standard sight in the urban jungle of most cities I visit )

Or instead of yoghurt if I feel like a cooked breakfast: (careful - next you'll be telling me that you "sometimes have a sandwich")

2 organic/free range eggs, either poached, scrambled or boiled

Two pieces of Burgen Soy Linseed, Rye or spelt toast with avocado (I wonder if she thinks that spelt toast will improve her english)

Hot dandelion tea with almond, goat or oat milk or a cup of green tea ( she really knows how to live it up diet wise doesnt she....)

Morning tea:

Handful of Tamari roasted or plain almonds or

Dark chocolate coated almonds (OMFG! chocolate???)

2 x Spelt biscuits with avocado and tuna (ok i'm gonna ask... WTF is spelt?)


Piece of fish (salmon, silver perch, yellow perch, snapper, cod) with fresh green salad vegetables and spelt biscuits if I am still hungry or is it me or is spelt becoming the new goji berries

A lentil dish ( umm i'm not sure you should be eating tableware, even if it started life as lentils)

Hot dandelion or green tea and/or green tea or a coffee if I feel like one (coffee is okay for A Blood types – but again, all in moderation!) (OMFG! now she's having coffee - she is going to get onto having a sandwich isnt she!!!)

Glass of filtered water with Dr Red, Ginger Punch Immune Booster formula (great to be used as an alternative to make-up cordial for kids as it tastes great and boosts the immune system) or lemon, apple cidar drink. (to be fair i'm with her on the ginger cordial but thee she goes again with her cidAR )

Afternoon tea:

Handful of Tamari roasted or plain almonds or seaweed extract (Maine Sea Vegetable extract) ( because i'm sure a spoonful of seaweed extract (from Maine) will keep those hunger pangs at bay - no wonder she is known to smoke if this is how she indulges herself )

OR: 2 x spelt crispbreads with tuna, avocado and feta cheese (yes! Spelt is the new Goji)

Piece of fruit (hoorah, finally something normal!)


Piece of fish (salmon, silver perch, yellow perch, snapper, cod) or chicken or red meat (rarely because of my blood type) cooked with ginger and garlic with fresh green vegetables (Broccoli, beans, snow peas, cooked slightly and artichokes) or green salad vegetables.
( is it me or are her lunches and dinners variations on the same theme and singularly lacking in carbohydrate )

Roasted and onion and garlic (ah so thats about 100 calories for a dinner then - that sure will keep your energy up PM! )

Late night snack: (only if hungry) ( I'm guessing you would be hungry having feasted on an onion and some garlic for supper, though that could be because i'm fat n jellus and like eating lard as a snack)

Seaweed extract OR (Maine Sea Vegetable extract) (again because Sea vegetable extract will keep you full and friendly..... )

A handful of pumpkin or sunflower seeds or almonds

Fellow fatties, this diet will do you no favours in your quest to become fat n jellus - but worry not, I too will post an example of a daily diet shortly just so you dont feel you have to follow this one and undo all the good work....


  1. The following lines are killing me:

    "or Bornhoffen yoghurt if I don’t have access to goats"

    "is it me or is spelt becoming the new goji berries"

    "Late night snack: (only if hungry)"

    Do you suppose if I pointed out that she seems to eat every 45 minutes she'd freak out?

    I'm totally using that goat line.

  2. i have a visual image of her hunting down goats in la..

  3. That diet sounds HORRIBLE. How about just eating like a normal person? Stupid cow.

    WTF is SPELT? I would google it, but I cbf.

  4. She honestly has this everyday? Like golden-helikaon said, she should just eat like a normal person. I don't get the whole crap about blood type.

    I google spelt and it is said to be some alternative to wheat or some shit like that.

  5. Poor girl, never to know the love of a man or the taste of a twinkie. No wonder she lies all the time.

    Actually, she really pounds it down, she must eat something every 2 hours or so. What a cow!!

  6. All the hot water with vinegar and lemon juice and such, as well as the teas, are all natural diaretics. I used similar tricks when I was dieting and living on 500 calories a day.

    So, not only does she not allow carbs in her body, she doesn't allow any fluid either. She must piss like a racehorse.

  7. God, one wonders what nutrients that kid is getting if she's still on that diet. Either it's gonna be totally lacking in certain nutrients or she's friggin' lying about having that diet plan for herself.

  8. @beliz
    Lies lies and more lies! MK lies all the f. time

  9. it explains why shes such a skinny mantis thats fo sure....

  10. This has got to be the most boring diet I have ever seen. I suppose since the Mantis is boring it's only fair that her diet is boring too. I don't see how she gets any nutritional value out of this at all. It's no wonder her baby bump seems so small, the poor little thing isn't get proper nutrition. What a start to life, malnourished already. And then when it pops out it realises it has a dimwit for a mother.

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most people want to go to the bathroom immediately upon waking rather than skulling a tahitian noni juice?

    Was this diet supposed to inspire others to partake in a totally organic / negative caloried eating plan? When will this moron realise that no normal person can afford to buy organic food. Hell, most families are flat out trying to put a home cooked meal on the table because it costs more than take out.

    What must it be like to be trapped in the mind of quarter wit? She probably doesn't even realise because she's too dumb to know that she's dumb.