Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part III: Wanting Orlando all to yourself

It seems to me that readers of this chapter will fall into one of two categories:

Either you are "fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself" or you are "Fat and jellus and are over wanting orlando all to yourself" on the grounds he's been a bit too mantised, but are having to pretend that you do want him all to yourself in the interests of entertainment.....

still with me?

There is probably a third category which the Panty Mantis calls "havinge Orlandoe alle tew ureself" but as she's in a minority of one - I'll leave her out of this (plus I can't be bothered to translate the entire chapter into dingoese just so she can read it, ok?)

As the first two boil down to the one outcome, I'll focus the main method to develop the wanting orlando all to yourself to keep it simple...

To most fat n jellus haters this comes pretty naturally, you see a photo of a pre-mantised Orlando and your heart rate quickens, your pulse increases and nowadays there is usually an overwhelming feeling of loss that follows swiftly afterwards as you recall what once was..

A word advice: Only look at photos of Orlando pre 2005 - any later than that and you risk coming across one that is starting to show the ravaging effects of the Panty Mantis. The effects of this on you are catastrophic - you quickly find you loose your appetite , feel the feelings of envy rapidly receed and cease to want Orlando all to yourself. In short you abandon all the advice this cloth bounded volume as offered you! Luckily, providing you move quickly enough, a picture of Orlando pre 2005 will usually counteract the effects..

If you are into extreme sport, there are some photos out there later than 2005 which will assist you on your quest to wanting Orlando all to yourself - but these years should only be handled by experts, if in any doubt - consult a professional.