When the going gets tough...

..... the tough get nekkid



or at least that seems to be our favourite panty mantis' answer to the sudden groundswell of the fat n jellus as yet another 'PM goes nekkid' photo shoot hits your screens.

Poor PM, she's going to need to employ a permanent nekkid photographer at this rate because its yet another day and it another fat n jellus person, intent on getting Orlando all to themselves AND completely missing the fact that shes "fiercely private" out there calling her a fame whore....

PM: for the next nekkid shot to counteract this, could you put a Xmas Hat on - we are firmly in the festive period afterall...

BTW the photo is of our Xmas get together this year, you can see that the lard-on is going well (and I thought the xmas horns were appropriate for me )

A fat n Jellus reading list

Good news everyone, our numbers our expanding to include several well known publications. There are just too many gems here for the fat and jellus for me to to start quoting from the articles in question, but Id be failing in my duty not to post the links..


Panty Mantis: The Debate

178 Minutes with the Panty Mantis (sounds far too long to me but anyway...)

The Panty Mantis is Lying to us (no s**t sherlock)


These early Christmas Presents just keep on landing, don"t they....

An early christmas gift?

Hear ye hear ye - all ye fat n jellus, salvation has arrived in the form of yet more wise words from the Panty Mantis.

No longer need you be sad and melancholic of your unworthyness. No longer need you cry into your family sized tubs of lard the PM has spoken words of comfort to us all!

In a recent interview she had reportedly said the following

"But now I always see myself as, like, equal to everyone."

OMG

Can it be true?

Is the fat and jellus crusade over as suddenly as it began? let me read on......

...... ah No - rightful order in the world is restored

"I can't feel bad about being who I am, just like the girl next to me can't feel bad about being who she is. Because a rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose."

that sounds like her version of "all men are equal, its just that some are more equal than others.."

Still, at least she wants us all to "embrace our own uniqueness"..... I guess thats back to the Lard and the specially adapted fridge then fatties !

What have we here?

While I have definitely lost enthusiasm for all things Panty Mantis

(i.e. PM, you can stop emailing me - I don't care how 'seksy" you are, I know Im "jus jellus", I "totally" believe that you understand the difference between at teaspoon and a tablespoon (honestly I do) and I definitely haven't seen Orlando's balls anywhere)

I couldn't let this one past... what is she wearing above her eyes??? Im so confused I'll offer a prize of a tub of lard for the best answers.

Happy Belated Halloween Fatties

I know you have all been very busy with you Lard parties (as have I of course). Interestingly the PM has also been focussing her efforts on halloween ..



....... funnily enough she dressed up as a praying mantis (in glittery panties) to shake things up a bit. Just a small word of advice though PM - perhaps you should diary check with your other VS models next year?

Holy Moly had this to say on the subject

"Generally New York fared much better than the west coast over the weekend (Paris Hilton as She-Ra - yuk), although Miranda Kerr's party, which she foolishly scheduled to run consecutively alongside Klum's, looked a bit flat, with the supermodel as circus ring leader (with an empty big top). "

Shame on you HM (and welcome to the ranks of the fat n jellus)

Dear God, please make this happen....

"The Victoria's Secret model also revealed she would consider following in the footsteps of her husband Orlando, 34, and try her hand at acting.
She said: "If someone approached me and it sounded interesting, I wouldn't be opposed to it, but it's not something I think about."

No, dont worry, I havent changed my mind about our dear panty mantis....

Just think of the opportunities for laughter she would give, even more so if it was something serious and grim, but Im sure that she'll be handing out the giggles whatever the script....

I think that would become a fat n jellus best seller!

Privacy Personified

I have to say Im almost feeling sorry for the Panty Mantis, the regularity with which her privacy gets invaded enjoying some quiet time with her son is so frequent its Obscene!

So you can imagine my horror to see those evul buggers at Now magazine have managed to get yet another shot of her and invaded her privacy once again... poor girl, if only they would all leave her alone....

Still she can take heart, look at all those other Celeb mums who are also suffering the same torture.....

PS Panty Mantis, if you need me to slowly go through the difference between a tablespoon and a teaspoon, I know we've had our differences, but Im here for you!

Things that make you smile

Obviously only if you are a fat and jelluz cow... but as I so definitely am, It made me smile to see how that the Panty Mantis is back to looking so beeautifulle and seksy in Wellington....

Date Night!

You will notice Ive maintained a discrete silence as photos of the Panty Mantis and Flynkerr abound over the net. But these photos are deserve a brief mention I feel (from her apparently romantic "date" night)

During Dinner the PM takes an important phone call and strategically provides a visual demonstration of the challenge of stringing a coherent sentence together:



When it comes to bill time she reinforces; rightly deciding that pulling a face that says " I couldnt even read the bill if you gave it to me, never mind pay it" will pull her neatly out of the driving seat:



Well played PM, If only i was even the tiniest bit convinced this was all an act and not just your natural facial expressions when presented with the challenges of everyday life.....

"Im on a Horse!"

Look at the sheer genius of this particular pose - what on earth is the panty mantis trying to achieve with this one? Has someone suggested that she and the horse have a chocolate star fish revealing competition? has the director of the shoot put "club tropicana" in an attempt to get the PM moving naturally for once?

I think that one beats the hooved shot from my last post..

News? well as you can imagine the Panty Mantis' triumphant return is being documented in minute detail to her enthralled public: From being mobbed at the air port (yeah ... i know) to an exclusive interview in her sydney home - its all there fatties for your reading and viewing pleasure...

The exclusive interview was particularly fine in my view, not only did the PM apparently cook dinner (and eat it all) for the lucky journalist, she didnt miss the opportunity to pimp Whora as the answer to stretch marks.... well that and apparently good genes....

Ive got a much simpler solution for you PM - if you're a fat n jellus person - you're so fat no-body notices any stretch marks you might get, they simply disappear under the corpulent mass that is your body...

The hallowed day

yes yes fatties, its arrived!

The Panty Mantis is back in Oz, all those weeks of reliving the last 4 years of her life over and over and over again to pump up the buzz is finally over and the "the most gawguss supamodel in the land" is back on home ground.

Ok so thats the hot news.. now onto more practical matters...

please can someone explain this as a modelling pose:


I keep looking at while Im eating my tub of lard and just not getting it... Its probably because Im fat n jellus and not lyving the lyfe but I suspect there is an outside chance THIS is not something any other model thinks of as a good plan in front of a camera....

But its good to see the cloven hooves are back again :)

Over-enthusiastic

and there was I quietly worrying that my enthusiasm for snarking (particularly, of course, the panty mantis) was a little OTT

(as with my love of lard , all things fat, specially adapted household furniture, being jellus etc etc but you know that)

well, fellow fatties, panic not! This below is the definition of over-enthusiasm on a particular subject




there - do you all feel relieved?

in other hideously boring news, the PM is resharing the tales of her 27 Year labour, the fact that she didnt really want Orlando anyway and her white ball of light to anyone that will listen...

I do love it when she goes home.......

PAIN!

You see, THIS is what happens to a person when they choose to let one of the hallowed interviews from the Panty Mantis pass them by...

she releases two in one day!

ok ok , i submit Panty Mantis, there is only so much a (non-super) woman can take...


So, to the second offering of today, courtesy of the Daily Mail:

According to them the Panty Mantis found the birth of Flynkerr so painful she had an out of body experience....... its funny I thought they more normally referred to that as anaesthetic.....

Ooooh yes! silly me! I keep forgetting the poor stick insect gave birth 100% naturally, with no drugs whatsoever and only her husband peeing in a bottle for solace as opposed to taking what seems the more obvious choice.... a C section!

Now can someone please tell me WHY WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS..... please....

A Groovy Mantis?

I think the build up to the Heralded visit back home for the Panty Mantis has started - a new day is starting to mean a new, and equally inane, article about her lyving the lyfe!

This mornings offering comes courtesy of the Brisbane Times. Again you'll see she was prepared to consider staying fat n jellus but she lost the weight using Cardio (hence all those gym shots recently), yoga, and something Orlando owns that she can swim against - the last vestiges of his freedom? is imprisoned manglobes perhaps?

Its good to hear that today, after eating fries yesterday, she tackled a fried chicken today - though to be honest PM you kinda need to be eating the fries, the fried chicken and ten tubs of Original Lard Gel daily to make an impact.

Im a little lost that she chants "'I am a healthy, vibrant being of love and light" every morning - I thought that was her dog? perhaps they have united into one vibrant ball of light together?

Anyone want to put a guess on exactly how many of these breastfeeding interviews we're going to get before she arrives to tumultuous applause back home? - my guess is many!

Red hot Panty Mantis

What a treat! The Panty Mantis has decided to share with us the details of her so private and perfect lyfe, I was truly excited when i got shown the link by one of the fat n jellus girls from Delphi :)

Whilst Im sure there is absolutely no connection, its lovely to see that the questions on the minds of the interviewers at Perth Now! seem to be troubled by exactly the same issues that have been haunting us fat n jellus ones, making us cry into our lard pots and sink lower into our oversized chairs.. shall we take a look at a few highlights?:

"After a few more shots, she takes the opportunity to feed Flynn again, while also feeding herself a plate of salmon and spinach, and a side of fries. "I need the carbs," she says."

excellent, I dont know about you but extremely glad to see that although she may yet again resemble a walking stick insect, she hasnt totally lost her fat n jellus leanings! keep up with that Panty Mantis and one fine day we may be able to welcome you back to the fold.

"When I was pregnant, I thought, 'It doesn't matter if I get a stretch mark or if my body doesn't come back'," she says. "During the birth process, I gave everything over to him, and let go of any attachment I had to myself. I wanted him to be healthy and it didn't matter what happened to me. "

Well if I was a cynical fat n jellus cow my eyebrow would be raising rather high at this one, but obviously, having experienced the true freedom that comes with being fat n jellus, the ability to eat as much lard as you like etc - I am sure shes being absolutely truthful - after all, whats not to like about being fat, puffy and jellus.

""If you're comfortable in your own skin, you allow others to be comfortable in theirs. Don't compare yourself to someone else. "

ahhhh sorry panty mantis, its just that you're lyfe is so perfect and you have orlando all to ureself, its hard not to draw some comparisons

now, bring on the royal polo match - nothing will make my day more than seeing classy and arsy in the same shot!

(yes yes, I know - no lyfe of my own, fat n jellus etc etc etc)

Flogging a Dead Horse

ok So I think the majority of answers I got were the right way round for my spot the difference competition...

As a post script, definately at the risk of being accused of flogging a dead horse, and to prove that cut- out dresses can still look both revealing and classy: Ms Moss again modelling a rather fetching number, Im not entirely keen on the hair it has to be said but still..

I wont put the "how not to" example up again, if you're anything like me, the less you have to look at the Panty Mantis the better...

Spot the Difference..

Combining my girl crush on Kate Middleton and Fat n Jellus tendencies where the Panty Mantis is concerned is actually working out rather well, you'll be pleased to hear!

Take these two photos for example and these captions below and tell me which you think goes with which??

Caption 1: A sophisticated and fresh look for an evening event
Caption 2: A decidedly unsophisticated look for an evening event (plus I think that shes chewed off half the dress in frustration!)

Image A:


Image B:


Answers on a post card please!

Wedding dress

Obviously I didn't mean that the Panty Mantis had finally completed the paperwork to initiate the exhaustive search for her wedding dress. As far as I know she's still in the process of borrowing the family brain to assist her in getting her round the fact that moaning on twitter alone doesn't galvanize the average corporate bureaucracy!



Instead its another unrelated post and how fab is this! Westwood modelled by Moss! Actually its not entirely unrelated, I thought since the PM is having SUCH difficulty locating her dress, she might appreciate a little visual encouragement to track hers down... Wanda, Joders, I think Im right in saying that you are both still extremely keen on getting you're carefully chosen bridesmaids dresses out if the opportunity arises!

Fabulous!

Nothing to do with the Panty Mantis and her lyfe and I'm not really a royalist either, but how fabulous does Kate M look in this...




you see Panty Mantis, THIS is how you master looking sophisticated and cool in the glare of media spotlight... ah yes, of course there is a small difference - I doubt Kate has to call hers up, but still you get the idea?.... GOOD!

Now I can go back to the girl crush Im forming on the lovely Kate

Annnnd Im Back!

There is a good reason for my long absence from this Blog - honestly..... Just give me a chance to explain...

Well, in fact its quite simple - while The Panty mantis briefly joined the community of the fat n jellus, I felt it only fair in the spirit of sisterhood to leave her be for a bit, allow her to enjoy her oversized chair, her enormous fridge and all the other benefits of being one of the chosen few...

Now she has returned to resembling a stick insect (see above) ive ejected her forthwith from the sisterhood (anyone resembling a cross between a stick insect and a xylophone does NOT qualify for the esteemed ranks for the Fat n Jellus) and decided to start a few posts again...

after all, now shes back lyving the lyfe again - things can only get funnier surely....

So, my dear Panty Mantis, please feel free to get back in touch - Ive galvanised my girls (wanda, Joders - you game, Im not sure whether your bridesmaid duties will be required, apparently the PM has still not managed to locate her wedding dress for her anniversary but its always best to be prepared) and im extremely keen to hear how being the mother earth mantis is suiting you!

perhaps we can even be friends? now you have some comprehension of what being Fat n Jellus means, though admittedly even at your biggest, there is no way you could rival the core posse!

Writers Block

OK Im going to say what must be apparent to anyone that regularly reads here - Im suffering with a bad case of writers block! Ever since I had the notion that to continue to report on someone being so incredibly stupid was not only tiresome but also perhaps in itself could be classed as stupid Ive been failing to see the wit...

The idea the panty mantis is thicker than a redwoods trunk isnt exactly news any more....

Of course she continues to deliver such gems via twitter and facebook to her random online people close online friends such as the naming of poor flinker after her dead ex boyfriend (Orlando evidently either has returned his man globes to the clamper, is extremely understanding or doesnt give a shit what she does). She privately continues to deliver to her avid readership intricate details of her daily routine AND of course we have had the first post flinker shots of her with her boobs swinging round her navel (Bras are a fabulous invention Panty Mantis, particularly when you actually have breasts). All in all its much of the same.

The other dynamic of course is the horrifying prospect that, despite my best efforts, I've inadvertently developed a life. No amount of consumption of Lard has managed to effect this so far - but dont worry i will keep fighting the good fight.

So what was I saying here? Ah yes, posts will be a little more spaced out for the moment until a) I regain interest or b) Orlando ceases to be ritually tortured by his mantis....

Ask Men

Well i rolled around on the floor with laughter at the this next one. Whatever its other faults you have to hand it to the Panty Mantis' blog - its an absolute master of spinning sh*t!

It reports proudly here that our very own favourite Mantis came number 5 in the "Ask Men" Australia poll.. What I'm most amused by is the fact that they are surprised by the outcome. I cant think of many other Australians out there at the moment (if you can call what the mantis has been doing being "out there") who take their clothes off as much as she does, provide regular updates on how their boobies are looking and spend as much time chatting to random people online close online friends as she does.

More exciting perhaps would have been an announcement that the Panty Mantis wasnt listed in the Ask Men Poll because she'd actually spent the previous year keeping her private parts under wraps... yes i know, Hell will freeze over first! But still, THAT would be worth reporting!

I think its more of a wonder that she didnt come first... though actually looking at number 4 - whose photo consists of a pair of well developed boobies covered in a couple of feathers - it does rather make sense...

Never mind Mantis - perhaps if you work the feathery booby vibe next year - you could come fourth too.

Uniglo round 2

Obviously even Uniglo have realised an "Ive been tangoed approach" is not the best look for a winter campaign - here is one of the latest shots of Orlando doing the modelling thing. At least he's less Orange this time - though I'm personally not convinced by what he's selling (particularly that first look), hes doing a good job modelling!

Party Time

I really wasnt going to do an update - my creative streak seems to have a bad case of bordom with our favourite couple - but with set upon set of Orlando out partying minus his pet Mantis all over the place, the temptation was too much...

He's been at a variety of different parties over the last few days, all without the Mantis and all where he looks like he's enjoying himself - here's hoping this is the new way forward....

The Panty Mantis meanwhile has "privately" been sharing the details of her private life with random online people her closest friends. ONe of the more amusing ones for me had to be her saying she had to go because "we" were are all sitting down to dinner... I wonder if she was using the royal 'we' - because Orlando was out for the evening and I'm imagining Flinker is a little young to be sitting up and enjoying a four course meal with his Mantis mummy....

and if you really want laugh (and this is cruel, even for me) check out the David Jones winter catalogue here but I warn you - this is not for the faint hearted (and I imagine provides the explanation for the lack of post baby shots of the PM....

Legs Eleven..

Now, I'm know i'm slightly late on this one ( I seem to have grown a life momentarily - an absolute no no for the fat'n'jellus, but Wanda and Joders are working this through with me as we speak) - but I thought you'd all like to know that Orlandos practice runs at escaping from the Panty Mantis are going well... Here he is practicing a quick exit on his Ducati .... The only thing I'd say is that perhaps he needs to get a less flashy bike, Even the Panty Mantis is sure to realise its him....

Specul measures

I was contemplating a post this morning, but was slightly lacking in material, so I thought I wouldnt bother.... until, that is, I thought i'd just give that mine of information (Other wise known as the Panty Mantis' blog) a look for inspiration..

lets just say she didnt dissapoint (thanks PM)

I think i'm actually spoilt for choice... But I'm going to pick her salient advice on how to avoid stretch marks (I thought mantis women didnt get them genetically, but anyway)

are you ready.... because this is truly special - and there is NO WAY I would of thought of this first stage ...

Step one: After showering – towel dry

Wow....... Im just so enlightened by that edifying comment

I'll let that gem sink in .... ok?

right!

Step two: Dry body brush after each shower (if you dry body brush AFTER the shower, your body will be clean and fresh), use the towel to remove any skin remaining after brushing

what? no miracle cream by Kora....

Step three: Apply KORA Organics Enriched Body Lotion to soften, moisturise, protect and nourish the skin. Over your entire body paying particular attention to your stomach, breasts, thighs and buttocks.

PHEW - i was getting worried

I think she's missing step four out though... allow me :

Step Four: MAke sure your breasts thighs and buttocks are in full camera shot of your favourite photographer, post it on the net and allow the world to privately see your privates , all in the name of health and beauty...

I cant' believe she left step four out...... still I guess that last one must be like a reflex to her by now, and it didnt cross her mind to note it down!

A Fat'n'Jellus Pop Video

Really really exciting news this morning - Now, I hope you will forgive me for keeping this one hush hush, but all of us fat'n'jellus ones that were involved had to sign disclosure contracts and I've not been able to share this one with you till now..

A select few of the fattest and most jellus people from amongst our numbers were contacted by Mika's management to take part in his video of Big Girl (You are beautiful)! and *drum Roll* here it is...



I'm the one in the pink - ladies - identify yourselves and take your bow!

(And thanks to J for the suggestion!)

And now for something completely different.

Nothing to do with either of our favourite couple, but it made me laugh.... a lot!

A Model Life

Relax! As If I'd post pictures of the Panty Mantis here!! Besides, she's too busy a) writing her contribution to the first chapter of Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Household Management and b) doing the ground work for the coveted Rainbows and Butterflies Mother of the Year award...



No, this is OB - rumour has it its for Uniglo... If so I'm extremely happy to see they have a winter version of the their fake tan range that makes users look a lot less orange....

I'm slightly concerned about the return of the tash though - Both in "In Celebration" and in "Main Street" I never was convinced that was a good look for him......

A New Proposal...

I had a bit of time so I thought Id trawl around for something mildly entertaining to make the corner stone of a post....

I had a look at the latest shots of OB (on a bike.... surpringly) talking to a guy in a SUV - but ended up concluding that there are two many posts about OB on a bike in the world already without me adding to them...

I bravely ventured over to Mantis Central to find some inspiration and although there was plenty of material there (lets face it, whenever she opens her mouth she seems to manage to fuel the sarcastic subculture thats grown up around her) but still nothing made me think ah ha! (I even ignored the statement by mummy mantis that her daughter is the most natural creature in the world!)

Just as I was giving up, I checked my email and what did I see?

"HIghe slapperr!,
eye knowe we haventte seene aie to aie butte eye desper..dezper....umme eye neede youre helpe! thinges arre goinge verry wronge! Eye thoughte whenne eye hadde babeye Finne thayte eyede bee the moste lovede (ande moste gawguss supamodelle )inne the lande withe cutte lyttle babey as the besteste acessorrie, butte eye nowe see thayte Orlandoe hasse stoleene mye idear.

The photoes offe mee ahvve beene takenne ovah bye thosee onnes thayt orlandoe hadde donee withe mye mum, everyeonne isse nowe sayinge that he is cutte withe finne ande ignoringe me! Eye cannte take itte - iffe eye Takke alle mye clothese offe (asse I ususalley woulde do ) people saye thayte ittes notte seksy! whatte du theye meane - NOTTE SEKSY!!!

ORlandoe thynkes thisse iss verye funnie annde hese notte even respondinge too the balle clamper anie more....

evenne yew fatte and jellus cowz lyked himme with Finne! Eye donte thynke anyonne cares aboutte me anie more :( thys wassnt howwe eye plannede itte!

Yew muste bee wonderinge howe yew canne helpe? welle, eye seeyew arre planninge to wryte a new booke and eye amme gener.... gener... fuk.... offeringe to wryte somme bittes for yew - obviouslie peoplee wonte lyke yourre bits, butte eyem feelinge lonlie and eye thynke itte woulde be goode to do thisse rightte nowe. (Plusse eye dontee see either finne or ORlandoe unless nappyies needed changinge or eye neede to gette mye boobies outte)

I knoew yew muste be overcomme with joye atte readinge this, so eye'll givee yew somme timme to calme downe beforre wee starte!

Lvoeee Pantty mantiz XXX

So what do you reckon ye Fat n Jellus? - I reckon this one has got to be some sort of goer - just the opportunity alone to hear the PM's suggestions for household management seem worth it to me on their own... and of course I will make sure I keep the final editorial rights!

Awwww!

I really dont agree with little babies getting papped - I cant believe something this young would be hunting out a public profile if it was able to let its parents know what it wants.. but I couldnt quite resist this!



but look at that smile!

Eau de Bloom

I really wasnt going to post up an offering today - I've successfully managed to tune out the endless witterings of the Panty Mantis to little more than the annoying whine of a very small mosquito - but then I came across this.....

It was an article in a beauty magazine about Orlando's decision to become the face of Boss Orange - I wont take you through the entire interview its posted herebut a few points within it made me giggle.....

“Because that’s the way I am,” said Bloom. “I don’t spend a lot of time froufrou-ing myself.”

In fact, until his wife, Miranda Kerr, began her Kora organic skin care line, Bloom used only a body cream and admitted, “I used it everywhere.”

Oh dear Orlando, he's said that in the open, the PM's so going to read this and punish him for not making it clearer that while he might of "used" to be a non-Froufrou boy, he should of said that he has access to the bestte skyne cayre linne inne the worde eva, and that he spends 99% of his day applying face creams, eye creams and body cream everywhere...

I hope he doesnt suffer too much for that one! A little later on he says this:


So now that he’s been initiated into the world of scent, would Bloom consider doing a signature fragrance line?

“It hasn’t really crossed my mind,” he said, adding: “Never say never to anything, you know.”

Eau de Bloom........ I'm really not quite sure what to make of that....

Fat'n'Jellus..... Over to you!

Caption this...

A hidden blessing

Ok so now the shock of the new baby finally being named has subsided (and the shock of reading yet again that the Panty Mantis went through a natural birth, all 27 hours of it, with an enormous baby (who is, I'll admit, exceedingly cute)) I feel able to give some more consideration to the name itself. I've also managed to get over the Metro claiming that the Panty Mantis has managed to spark debate with her booby shot - actually no i've not quite managed that yet, the idea of the PM even sparking a match seems highly unlikely, but I'm working on it!

So, Lets give a moments though to how the name sounds shall we?

Flynn

Flynn Kerr-Bloom

Said fast that sounds a bit like Flinkerbloom, or Flinker for short....

Still, I guess we can all be thoroughly grateful that the first name "Wan" was off the menu for the Panty Mantis...

P.S I think I should also say at this stage, that though we have covered the birth and naming of little Flinker here on TSO, I'm not proposing to focus on the little chap after this post - he deserves as much lack of media coverage as he can get, and I'm not going to add to his burdens in life...

Orlando or No?

Well, what do you think fellow Fat'n'Jellus people?

Is this Orlando out on the Razzle or his stunt double having a beer? I can't quite work it out....

In like Flynn!

So the queen of privacy and secrecy has final named her baby and kindly posted a picture of her boobs (and baby bloom) on the internet. In a carefully timed and released "candid" (and I when I mean candid, I mean the type of candid that has a team of make-up artists and a lighting team standing close by) the Panty mantis privately shares the details of the second coming.

Funnily enough our Panty Mantis is still flogging the idea that she gave birth naturally (obviously she hasnt read the large number of comments about her nether regions that followed on from that particular statement).

She's also called the baby Flynn....... Flynn Kerr-Bloom ! Poor little mite, not only does it have the PM for a mother, it has a name that sounds akin to a mild explosion!

Baby Bloom (no, sorry, I cant call it Flynn right now) is a little cutie by the looks of it though - here's to it looking like its father!

p.s. Being the fat'n'jellus hater that I am, I took as much out of the mantis as I could. Research has shown that viewing the PM's face for any length of time can cause rapid weight loss and I didnt want to inflict that on TSO's readership!

Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern Household Management

How exciting, following on from the Shotgun: A Practical Guide to Weddings and of course my seminal publication Pleasure Urself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus I have now decided to grace your bookshelves with a third Book!

I realise the market for this one may be slightly smaller than the first two (you rather need to have either a wife , a baby or preferably both) but no matter! May I proudly introduce .....

Fat and'Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern household management

Its going to be kinda like the book Mrs Beeton wrote, with less emphasis on cookery and more emphasis on avoiding your inlaws and approaching motherhood from a fat'n'jellus angle!

I'm hoping that not only will you all find it helpful in your fat'n'jellus lives but it might also be of some assistance to Orlando. Judging by the latest set ups we've been graced with, he could do with some advice.

(The photo is a shot Orlando kindly posed for me on escape methods to be used on your inlaws.... though personally I think he could do with some more help - the bike idea was a good one, i dont know many MILs that would agree to a trip on a bike, but he underestimated Mama Mantis' drive to get in the press)

In the true spirit of a self help guide, it will of course be full of suggestions for products from the Ensurient Corpulence Range to compliment the theory, and I am also enlisting Wanda and Joders (as two of the fattest and most jellus people in the world ever (along with me obviously)) to help me both model the products and help me develop its own blog and facebook page, all the better for me to communicate with random online people close online friends and supporters.

Are you excited??
I know I am!

The Mantis Makes Contact

Finally - the week or so of silence on the Panty Mantis' side (apart from the odd offering to random people online close online friends) she has finally spoken - and TSO has an exclusive interview with the PM about the birth:

S: Thanks very much for agreeing to answer some questions for TSO
PM: Thayts allryghte, nowe eye havve hadde the moste stunninge birthe in the worlde eva, eye thoughte eye shoulde comme and calle a truse withe yew fatte cowze

S: err ok, thanks! So tell us a bit more about the birth, we are all dying to know the details
PM: Welle itte woze amiazinge, i lookedde stunninge throughte, theyre were butteflyies and rainbowse ande Orlandoe sange badde romance to mee to stoppe mee gettinge board.

S; it sounds wonderful, so ORlando was with you for the birth?
PM: Haw haw haw, offe course! Eye gotte mye hole familie inne to holde himme downe juste in case Eye couldnt keepe holde of the ball klamper myeselfe - butte i needente of worriede! he satte there withe hiss heade in his handes throughe moste of itte, cryinge and rockinge.... I thinke he was juste overcomme withe emotionn!

S: ok, sound like he was really pleased to be at your side?????
PM: yesse, aparete from the cryinge and wailinge offe "Why ME!" butte eye thinke alle new dads doo thayte!

S: I understand you gave birth to a 10lb baby without the use of any drugs what so ever? Thats amazing on someone quite so slight, what was that like?
PM: Itte was lyke Mye whyte balle of lighte hadde saide - a seconde cominge... eye didnte even breake into a sweate.

S; There are vicious rumours circulating that you had a c-section, what would you say to people who think that?
PM: YEw are fatte jeluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe alle to yourselves...

S; even the guys??
PM: yesse, the guys are gay fatte jelluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe all to themselves...

S: i can see we arent going to get any further with this question! so how is your new family doing now?
PM: Eyem greate butte Orlandoe is stille actinge oldlie.... eye was hopinge you mighte be able to helpe aktuallie... eye wante to calle the babbie Bruce butte dispite increasinge the balle klampah - he's stille notte agreinge to it... any idease?

S: perhaps if you speak to him non stop for an hour, his ear drums will have been sufficiently tortured by the sound of your voice to agree to anything
PM: Whaytte dide yew saye, whats wronge with mye voice, its stunninge

S: right right, sorry!
PM: Eye see whate is hapenninge here, yew are fatte and jelluz too

S: well yes, that is kind of our strapline at TSO



I had to end the interview at that point - she called in Brother and MOther mantis and i thought discretion was the best part of valour - but I thought i'd share what i did manage to transcribe!

Happy Birthday Orlando

I seem to be late at the moment with all my seasonal and personal greetings - but they late is better than never...

So...

Happy Birthday Orlando

And if I may a small birthday wish..

avoid calling your child either Bruce or Lachlan if you can (we all know what the PM is capable of) - I know both are aussie and I've heard from your "wife" that the baby is all aussie despite its Brit genetics , but neither suit the surname Bloom!

Its good to laugh!

And I promise you this will do it for you!

Fresh out of hospital and straight back talking to random online people close friends about the second coming, our Panty mantis had this to say about giving birth to a 10lb baby...

Just gorgeous, thanks so much hon. I did natural birth too, no drugs or pain killers!!! Love Miranda xxx

Much as I obviously believe every word that comes out of her mouth, I'm having the greatest difficulty getting my head round a Mantis of her build pushing out 10lb's worth of baby with nothing. From what I've seen of the birthing process, its the most painful experience known to man so I need to get some understand of our Mantis' description of this auspicious event..

To me this all hangs on what one classes as natural. One could argue that Gas and Air is natural, I suspect that the Mantis probably counts an epidurals as natural, and of course a C-section could count as completely natural (providing you discount the anaesthetic). Whatever the truth of the matter is (and I doubt we'll ever find out) one things for sure, if she's gone for a "natural" delivery of an extremely large child -

Of course there's one completely natural side effect of delivering a child of that size via natures way..... but I won't even type that here......

An Orlando Break

To help you all through this difficult time (I'm assuming that the tension as we wait for an official announcement is effecting you as much as its effecting me) Orlando's new Boss video has come out to provide us Jellus ones with small consolation while we stuff our faces..


Cute huh!

In other news it appears we have a new celebrity amount Orlando's inlaws - despite news of someone or other getting a haircut beating the news of the new arrival on most celeb gossip sites (odd but true!) it seems Matty is the latest of the Mantis clan to be hounded by evil paparazzi 24/7 as he was "caught" by paparazzi "stalking" him (and i use both terms in it traditional meaning for the Panty Mantis) as he was caught with Brent Wood trying to Channel Orlando...

All I can say is I hope he gives it up soon - sunglasses and a pair of tight jeans do not equal looking like the man that played Legolas....

Remember the wedding plans?

It seems that even the major of gunnedah has heard been brought glad tidings of great joy about his new Australian son (the fact its actually half british by birth and in fact probably also american seems to have passed a lot of reports about this happy event by)

My first reaction was "isnt that nice" (honestly it was!) and then i suddenly saw through the Mayor of Gunnedah's evul scheme....

I realised that having had his chance to hold the wedding of the year cut off at the knees already the speed of gestation of Baby Bloom, he's making another bid to whip out the Brass Band, call a public holiday and get some use out of Gunnedah village hall for the Christening of the new arrival... its the only explanation for why the Mayor is happily commenting away here before any one else has (apart from Russell James of course - but he probably feels entitled having shot the Panty Mantis' a**ehole and circulated it round the globe).

Mayor of Gunnedah, I truly hope you get this gig - I think they owe you! After all your kind promises of a national gunnedah holiday, brass band and bunting for the wedding, its seems only fair that you use it to celebrate the birth of the new arrival.

(and I know we've had our differences Panty Mantis' but you know I'll help with the planning and I'm sure I can convince Wanda and Joders to be part of the proceedings too - they still have their lovely bridesmaid outfits ready and waiting)

Still holding onto our seats...

Ok, So the second coming is starting to become as protracted, confusing and ill matching as their wedding was... kind of apt I guess..

Since yesterday X17 (thanks Mystic) reported that one of their reporters in the hospital (?!?) overheard that it was a Baby Bloom not a Mini Mantis but still no official confirmation that either the blessed day has arrived or what sex the blessing is...

If i was a crueler person, I'd say we are experiencing PR milking of said blessed event, but I'm Fat and Jellus not cruel so I cant say that....

If indeed a baby bloom (or mini mantis) has arrived onto planet earth, I fervently wish that Orlando does everything he possible can to keep that baby away from the kind of life its mother enjoys. It does not need a public profile, it does not need a publicity agent and it does not need a 4 page spread in people magazine..

I'm probably being a bit hopeful though, considering the Mantis' electronic Ball Klamper...... Hes not done a great job of resisting that so far..

Hold on to your seats everyone!

No no, the Panty Mantis still hasnt said anything interesting, but rumours are circulating that the second coming has finally arrived!

Halluljah I hear you all cry!

Word is that its a girl but of course no official confirmation yet - after all why end the speculation when there is good PR mileage to be made of the blessed event...

In all seriousness though I wish the new nipper well - its not the kids fault that the Panty Mantis is its mother and in honour of its likely/imminent birth I wont sit down and work out when it must of been conceived, I'm sure someone else will do the Maths....

and of course congratulations to Orlando - whatever the facts of the matter, I'm sure he'll make a fabulous Dad!

yes yes, I know! Fat... Jellus.... Orlando to myself...

The Second Coming

I don't know about you but in addition to stuffing my face to make up for the momentary slippage on calorie intake over Christmas I am also waiting with baited breath for the little one (in our Panty Mantis' Belly) to make its entry into the world....

There seems to be ongoing confusion over the due date though, the only solution I can see is to sit tight next to your computer, set up your RSS feed to update from the Panty Mantis' facebook (after all, she's sure to give a blow by blow account on there to random people close online friends....

Poor kid - its already over-hyped before its even made it into the world.... I don't rate its mother much but I have hopes its Dad will work out ok!

New Year New You!

How fitting that my 300th post on here should be a valuable entry on ways in which to survive post Christmas Diet season...

Obviously as a truly committed fat and jellus person you will already be strenuously ignoring the often well meant advice in many of the glossies about loosing weight - obviously it doesnt apply to you!

You are right of course but actually a little known fact is that most fatties need to do the fat equivalent of a post Christmas anti Diet.... You may think that because you ate your body weight in mince pies and other festive treats you are not in danger of jeopardizing your progress through the year - You are probably WRONG!

Think about - you may have eaten all your Christmas treats, but have you truly kept up your lard intake? Orders at Ensurient Corpulence for the festive period tell me otherwise..

so to get you back on track, we're offering you a BOGOF offer our all original lard gel - buy one case and we will deliver you an additional case absolutely free.

if you are a UK lard user, for a limited time only we will also cover the VAT increase!

Go on fatties - make 2011 your fattest EVER year!