The Blushing Bridegroom..

Our blushing bridegroom seems to be keeping an extremely low profile at the moment, its almost like he's embarrassed and whats the whole sorry mess to go away. Personally I couldn't agree with him more...

Just a reference point, the above picture is what Orlando looks like when he's ecstatic....

In this Video he is trying to ignore questions about his forthcoming nuptials at an airport, obviously after such a happy event he must be ecstatic this video too... it must just be a very very very different kind of ecstatic!

The Panty Mantis on the other hand has decided to start communicating with the world via her ass.

First we had her with her bride pants on... now she's decided to tell us what is actually important for her about her engagement:



Its a shame she didn't think to publicise this to Orlando when the photos were actually taken, it might of put him off..

Finally! Ted C has his say...

Given Ted C's recent involvement with our PR friendly couple, it seemed odd that he should keep silent on the happy news, Finally Ted has had an item about our love birds

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Orlando Bloom's engagement?
—Meg

Dear Shoulda Put a Ring on It:
I think it, and his decision to drop out of Pirates 4, is very Orlando Bloom.


Typical Ted Cryptic!! I wonder if he's trying to infer he's made a mistake!!

We interrupt this transmission....

.......to bring you something unengagement related (Hoorah, I hear you cry!!)

The full Katz lecture is up here

I've only done the first four sections or so, but I'm glad they've posted this, its interesting to hear Orlando talking about his learning disability and he comes across as sincere and open!

Good job Orlando!

A practical Guide to Weddings: Part 4 - the Hen Do

To be honest, I didn't think there would be much of a rush on this one, but with Panty mantis and mommy mantis unsubtly looking for churches and flashing jewellery I have a feeling this is more high priority than I thought.

I've been thinking long and hard about what options I can offer the Panty Mantis for her hen do. As luck would have it, just as our happy couple made their announcement, Viktoria Sekrits unveiled their new batchelorette range - and guess who was modelling a pair of "bride" pants looking at a ring.... what a coincidence! The timing of this is uncanny! But it does solve our problem of what the Panty Mantis to be should be wearing for her Hen do!


Everything else about the Hen do is a bit harder to suggest. I'm afraid I havent come up with a list of suggestions like I did with Orlando, but I do have one recommendation!

She could have a Whora party! No, trust me - it works on many levels....

1) She can pimp her over priced face care range to everyone she's invited
2) If she can treashure Urself out in times, she can give signed copies to everyone there as party favours
3) She can offer her guests copious goji berries uninterrupted
4) She can drink lots of Rioja without breaking her "girl next door" image
5) She can table dance the night away without embarassing pictures being posted on twitter
6) Of course given this probably wouldnt be in a public bar, she would need to make sure her photog friends were there to comment on how stunning and genetically blessed she is..


Wanda - given I'm lining you up to be a bridesmaid, and they tend to organise the hen do - is the above ok with you? Short of going out clubbing nekkid, I can't think of anything else she'd enjoy more than flogging her shit and being the centre of attention!

And this just in...

Orlando Bloom, vainly hoping that he runs fast enough, gets on a flight to the furthest corner of the planet and keeps growing his hair - his bride to be won't be able to track him down again...

Things sure move quickly when you are young and in 'Love'

I have to hand to the Panty Mantis, she sure is moving swiftly down the path to nuptial bliss. Her Mum and her had their privacy invaded yesterday whilst looking at churches, worse still, the paps managed to get a shot of her engagement ring.

Poor girl, she obviously decided to get in their quickly, while everyone was thinking "there would be no way she'd be looking at churches on day three" and hoping to be discrete and her plans were foiled..

One thing is confusing me though, I'm sure I've heard her and Orlando talking about the strong buddhist faith - now I don't know much about buddhism but I wouldn't of thought a normal buddhist ceremony would be held in a christian church? I obviously have that wrong...

Still no sign of Orlando, maybe he's fainted with shock after having to buy the most expensive ring from Argos catalogue...

On a different tack, I've finally managed to come up with a limerick to mark this auspicious occasion:

There once was a lady whose womb
Gave birth to young chap called Bloom
But alack and alas
He engaged the wrong lass
And in so doing sealed his Doom

:D

Practical Guide to Weddings: Part 3 - the Stag Do

Having STILL not heard back from the Panty Mantis on her dates for her wedding and in the wake of overwhelming excitement from the Bloom camp on the news (his mother reportedly said she's a beautiful girl inside and out (to be expected, hopefully it keeps the Panty Mantis in the dark as to Sonia's true intentions until such time as she's managed to extract her son back out of the jaws of death) and also felt the need to point out that hardly see each other - Bravo Sonia, Good work!), I thought we could be nice to Orlando and propose a few venues for his stag do:

Amsterdam:
Typical haunt for the architypal stag do - its got a banging red light district so I hear, and a very hot club scene, plus of course he could probably get his own private sex show set up, packed with busty blondes to take his mind of things..

South Africa:
He'd have to be quick with this one, and he's unlikely to see England play but I hear that the local err hospitality industry has been preparing for years for the influx of football fans, so there would probably be plenty of entertainment to choose from (word to the wise Orlando: The article I read on the subject concentrated on the epidemic of STD's and Aids so he'd better get swimsuited up if he fancies this option

LA/ London
A bit boring as choices really, though the latter would be better than the former, In LA he'd be far too easily caught out and we wouldn't want a histrionic mantis bride would we?

Brighton
Depending on your view point on OB's sexuality this could be THE venue for him, plenty of fun to be had in Brighton if you like beautiful boys!

Ibiza
This is the one I'd choose if I were him. Lots of ladies that are up for craick, lots of clubbing and disco biscuits (not that he does these of course but just in case some of the other stags do) and great beaches for chillaxing - plus he probably knows someone with a yacht down there so it would be cheap - perfect!

Orlando Bloom: The Choice is YOURS!
(oh and I wouldn't invite JJ if I were you - it could end up with paps there, and I KNOW you wouldn't want that!)

Practical Guide to Weddings: Part 2 - The Venue

Now we've got the basics out of the way (still no word on the engagement party or the date of the wedding BTW Panty Mantis, details of the former would be nice and the latter is essential if you want me to book in some fatties!l)

Our Happy couple should start to consider the venue... Happily it seems that the Panty Mantis' local town of Gunnedah has beaten her to it - offering her her local home town for the venue! Wouldn't that be nice for them, Lucky Orlando!

The Mayor graciously made the offer here

"Gunnedah Mayor has offered a street parade in the couple's honour with its award-winning brass band leading the way."

Perhaps a rendition of Cole Porters "Love for Sale" could start things off?

Gunnedah's leading wedding outfitter also seems keen to be involved! she says:

""I imagine she would go the kit and caboodle but each bride is different,"

Too right this Bride is different Jodi, and when you say Kit and Caboodle I think you may mean no kit and her bootie..... The Panty Mantis is known better these days for taking her kit off as opposed to being photographed with it on...... still I imagine an original Ho would fit the bill nicely!

However, I do think the budget that they are suggesting is slightly under.. perhaps it would help our stunning couple if I went through it for them:


1) Reception venues Gunnedah town hall costs $600 to hire and holds 600 people - of course they are missing out the attendance fees of 595 of the guests.... i think we better add on another $300,000 to the bill - so thats $300,6000


2) Wedding cakes Cost between $300 and $1000 - lets go with the $1000 shall we, I wonder if they do themes?

3) Photographer Packages start at $700 - I would actually scrub this fee, I imagine Terry Richardson could be persuaded to come down if the bride was suitably undressed! And he certainly likes photographing Orlando


4) Food Gunnedah bowlo is about $30 a head including entrees of soup, avocado prawn salad; mains of roast beef, chicken and lamb; and desserts of pavlova, apple crumble and cheesecake - well that all sounds nice, trouble is no noni and goji berries... but if the guests only have that, I imagine the cost will be about the same..


5) Celebrant $400, plus $44 for marriage certificate - lets leave that one in for the time being (though Orlando, if you get one of your actor mates to play the role - it will be free, you won't actually be married, she'll be none the wiser...)

So in total thats a cool $320,000 for the day itself- sounds like a right bargain compared to the bill OB is likely to face....

By the way: I'm sure Gunnedah is very nice, I wouldn't know - i haven't been there. I also understand its wish to host the wedding of these two clowns... the above is in no way reflective of Gunnedah, just certain gunnedah Mantis' and their handbags....

No Shit Sherlock!

from Contact Music:

"A representative for Kerr tells People.com, "The entire Kerr family is thrilled with the news. It is a very exciting time for both of them.""

No????

Really???

Hang on, let me just pick myself back up off the floor.....

.....I'm positively overcome with amazement at this latest revelation, I'm sure No-one would of guessed that reaction from the Kerrs

I shall wait with eager expectation to see what the reaction is from Family Bloom....

A Practical Guide to Weddings: Part 1

With confirmation (in the form of the Panty Mantis' facebook) being posted overnight, I woke up this morning buzzing with lists of things the happy couple need to do before the big day.

I thought it might help them if I listed a few here to make sure the future Mr and Mrs Panty Mantis don't miss anything and hopefully avoid the Panty Mantis turning into bridezilla, I may not understand some of OB's choices, but I wouldn't wish that on him.

1) The most crucial thing on the agenda now has got to be the engagement party! I would suggest they pick that bondage club that OB was caught leaving a while back. The Panty Mantis will fit right in there and Orlando is unlikely to try and leave early because of the view. Of course it will be important to make sure that the appropriate Bloggers/papers are there to witness the event.

2) Obviously the Panty Mantis needs to make as big a splash as humanly possible in australia now she actually has something he's not denying... perhaps a few big screens up in public places looping the happy news?

3) The Dress: Its never to early in my experience to source your dress - perhaps one by Lisa Ho would be fitting?

4) The Bridesmaids: A word to the wise Panty Mantis, I wouldnt ask any of your fellow models if I were you, there is a danger that your usual poses might be outshone, instead you should be picking some fatties for the occasion, make sure you look really good (if you send me the date, I can check amoungst us fat'n'jellus ones to see if any of us are free if you like, though you may need to put a security guard round Orlando, I think most of us just want him for ourselves and will need to be controlled!)

I think thats enough to be going on with, I don't want to overload you both - lawd knows wedding preparation is a stressful time for all concerned!

Ask and ye shall receive!

How fitting that this is my 100 post on TSO and its the one that... according to here announces that Orlando is shortly to become Mr Panty Mantis, how lovely - may I offer my sincere congratulations to the happy couple... (for the 156th time)

I do have a few concerns though...

The wedding list: I trust that the etruscan vase is still listed, i feel that a fitting gift for our fianceed duo

The exclusive on the engagement: I take it that Mr Big / JJ weren't invited to witness round 2 of the "caught" photos of the marriage proposal?? Thats a shame.... I rather enjoyed round one in paris..

The Draft plan of action for visits home: Its lucky, is it not, that shortly after another disaster with DJ's and their sleazy head honcho, just before our Panty Mantis heads home that we get another engagement story. Now admittedly this one is more "official" sounding, but I'm sure that everyone involved realised that they couldn't do yet another coy hint without being ripped to shreds. After that last one it was fairly clear to anyone paying attention that the world and HIS wife had had enough of the hinting and playing with rings...

The ring shopping: Sadly we seem to have missed out altogether on the shopping for rings rumours, that IS a shame - when OB was getting engaged to Kate there were always a few rumours out there of him in jewellery shops across the globe, I almost feel cheated!

Still, at least we can look forward to the second by second account of the preparations, the blissful happiness, the inevitable problems and subsequent break up (no, I'm not being negative and cynical, most hollywood couplings end in tears)...

All in all I'll have lots to post about.....
(though I wonder how many readers I'll have left after this stunt Orlando ....)

Bored, bored, BORED....

unless of course you call the Panty Mantis' latest witterings about her healthy and glamarus lyfe interesting.....

No?

Don't worry, I couldn't muster enough interest to be bytchy either, its not like we haven't heard it all before 10 million times..

I couldn't even manage to get the inclination to dissect her latest VS publicity stunt, even though she was looking as daft as ever and as unpopular as ever with her fellow VS models....

so, to pass the time - Pretty Orlando...... again - Something I seem to be very resilient at not being bored with :D

Is that a bit hot?

Orlando is back in LA and was pictured yesterday having lunch with some of his mates, it looks as if whatever it was that he was chowing down on it had chili sauce on it from the above! -

Anyway - sounds like OB is following the good old english preparation to watch a football match:
i.e: Get your mates together and eat the kind of food that is going to make you blow when combined with Beer, so you can all cheerfully sit there breaking wind together in support of England!

The only thing confusing me is he's sitting there with a pelegrino water... considering both the USA and England were playing yesterday - any proper bloke worth his salt would of had made himself comfy with a couple of beers to warm things up, but I guess OB is in LA, and thats not what you do in LA !

The Panty Mantis happily isn't in LA (So OB got that bit right - send your guurlfriend as far away as possible before the world cup to minimise interruptions!). But her long awaited arrival in Australian vogue is here - I'll leave Joders to cover that one - but suffice to say its not the cover and ten page spread we were all eagerly anticipating.....

Drugs n Sex n Rock and Roll..

Wow! Orlando either has developed the ability to teleport or there are confused messages coming out about what he's up to. One tweeter had him having expensive hookers in his hotel room (probably not true, given the source but you will excuse the post title, it kind of went!) .....

All in all it looks as if he's in LA at a work gig for David Jones.... errrr I mean at his "girlfriends" work gig for David Jones - I wonder if we are going to be treated to a his'n'hers photoshoot a la Beckham, that would be truly amusing..

In other news, photos surface of the Panty Mantis is caught responding to a casual bystander who has commented she looks a bit bloated. Look at her face you can see the intense concentration as she tries to make herself understood:



"whot do yew meane? eye looke beeutiful. Eye'm high on lyving the lyfe!.... Wots that yew arre saying? Puffee?? Oh! Eye'm just a bitte puffee from the ummmm ayre, yesss thatz it, the LA ayre!

Now I wouldn't usually but...

You know me, unlikely to devote a post to the Panty Mantis, and i won't entirely (i'm sure you'll be relieved to hear!) but when one of my favourite scurrilous gossip blogs also decides to demonstrate their fat'n'jellus credentials I just couldn't resist...

check it out - you gotta love Holy Moly

They evilly point out that she has clothes on, that her most recent photo shoot was decidedly slutty and sans a lot of artful lighting and airbrushing... how fat'n'jellus are they??? I know! Shocking!

Moving on (you see, I told you I would) no sign of Orlando...... He must be watching the world cup like every other male brit across the globe... wonder if he's actually there?

so in honor of the world cup.... another limerick

There was a young man from LA
Who liked watching England Play
His pet Mantis interrupted
And his temper errupted
and he told to get the f**k away!

Doesn't quite scan but you catch the drift....

C'Mon England!

The Man from LA

There once was a man from LA
Who, rumour had it, was gay
A Mantis was located
who like going naked
and posed with her clothes off all day

hmm still learning :)

No Sh*t Sherlock

"I'm not that ugly and have a way with women"
Orlando Bloom

(from an interview post Katz lecture where OB proves he's a master of understatement)

An Honorary Orlando!

Orlando is one of the honorands at the Uni of Canterbury this July according to here.

Along with David Suchet he's being recognised for his contribution to acting by the looks of it. I think thats actually rather cool for him, not only because its his local Uni, but I think his Dad lectured there (I may have that wrong though). Lets hope he attends and we get photos of him in a full "batman" outfit (otherwise known as full academic dress) - fingers crossed!

Soccer Aid

Orlando was back on the canvass for Unicef as part of soccer aid, looking rather cute. I like him so much better in the UK for some reason lol


Apparently he seems to have had a bit of a slagging on twitter though for doing this? To be honest I'm a little confused as to why? He didnt make any cringeworthy jokes, he didn't revert to that phake slushy rubbish he did for the Oz bushfires... Is there something I'm missing here????

You know me, one of the first to get in there and point out the PR opportunity (which this obviously is for him as well) but that is the point of a "Celebrity" anything isn't it? The general public responds far better to Orlando Bloom telling them to donate than they would you or I ......

Back in the UK?

For someone interested in all things Green, Orlando doesn't half jet around a lot! apparently Twitter has him back home in the UK after his lightening visit to the US. It must cost him a packet paying off his Carbon debt!

Still, its nice to have him back home. Lots of sites / articles have picked up on his dyslexia talk positively (though the one that seems to attribute his career success to date to the Panty Mantis needs help.... They seem to have conveniently forgotten that OB's career was going a lot better BEFORE he met her ....).

As he's back in the uk Its going to go very quiet again I imagine....

In the meantime, to keep us entertained, a small ditty..

There once was a Mantis from Australia
Whose Ass, some said, smelt like a Dahlia
she charged a fiver a smell, which went fairly well
But the Tenner a lick was a failure!

(not perfect, but I'm sure there will be more :D)

The Young Man from Kent

There was a young man from Kent
Whose Tool was unfortunately Bent
The result of this trouble
Was he put it in double
And instead of coming, he went!

(Sorry - it is friday...... !)

Orlando on Dyslexia

Do you know, this is one of the first interviews I've seen from him in a long while that I thought was genuine and open. I bet it is challenging for him particularly and it can't of been easy to talk about something so personal in his position, its a credit to him!
(You won't often see me posting something with no side to it lol)
Well done Orli!

The Katz Lecture and Kyle

So, OB's Katz lecture went ahead last night, sadly I missed it so I'm hoping it will be around in some form later on today. Early reports seem to say that he was very nervous - bless him! I'm glad he did this, even if it went into more of a "this is your life" excercise than staying on topic. Dyslexia is much better understood than it was, but many many people suffer with it without realising and a bit more exposure is a good thing.

In other news, I also hear our favourite Panty Mantis is styling a new Men's face care range, apparently its called Kyle!

I really hope it IS called Kyle... I don't know about anyone else reading here but there is only one association I have to the name Kyle:



Cartman: Get your ass out of my face Kyle

Advice page

oh dear oh dear...... now I know that the panty mantis has been really beefing up her Clare Rayner prowess with the latest advice columns all over the place: e.g how a man should chat up a girl, how to look seksy, how to eat, how to be an emaciated stupormodel.. oops no, scrub that one

It seems she needs a bit of advice, according to here she seems to think the bestest way to spend time with the boyfriend you hardly ever get to see is to drag him round Shoe Stores all day - poor bastard..

Does she not realise that its never a good idea to take a man on a shopping trip that lasts more than 40 mins and doesn't have a pub at the end of it after this point. Boys get very very bored in women's stores generally but I've found have a particular aversion to shoe shops.... maybe its something to do with the fact you have to wait around for an assistant to help you with your size, or that as far as they are concerned you only have one pair of feet so why do you need more than a couple of pairs of shoes? Whatever the logic, its an obvious no no.

So consjavascript:void(0)idering anything over 40 mins is inadvisable, what do you class an all day adventure punctuated only by coffee (and probably noni juice)?

I know what I'd call it - A sure fire way of pissing a guy off....! The panty mantis' presence on its own seems to be good at doing that anyway, she doesn't need to resort to such tactics...

Orlando - you have my sympathy, its bad enough that you have to spend time with a Panty Mantis anyway, but a Panty Mantis AND an all day shopping trip, you were right to speak up - whatever the consequences....

Bicycle Boy!

Funny, I'd always thought OB more of Motor Bike man, but it appears he thinks pedal power is a good way to get round oxfordshire pubs!

A lucky fan of his ran into him at a bike shop near Henley buying a couple of bikes for him and a friend.

bless her - she'd named her kid Orlando after him..... Her partner must be a very understanding man..... I'm not sure thats something I would have said to OB if I were her but anyway...

One thing about it, whether or not the unnamed onlooker (who was so keen to keep his/her identity quiet) was correct in reporting that one of the bikes was a girls one, we can all rest assured that its unlikely to be for the Panty Mantis.

For one, Orlando seems to be both extremely keen and extremely good at keeping her out of the UK (thank god) and I also don't think Mantis' are any good at cycling, too many pincers, far too thin and far too weedy!

New York, New York!

No, this isn't photographic evidence of Orlando finally breaking down after he realised the second Icelandic Volcano didn't go off in time to save him from a Mantis session. Neither is it him reacting to the news that the PM had invested in a state of the art electric prong to keep him from getting away again - its Orlando at Sundance pissing about - cute!

Anyway, Mystic was totally right, Orlando is in New York - according to the gospel of all things true Twitter he was at the MOMO viewing a piece of Performance art (there was also some strange sighting of Orlando staring and nude people, you can't honestly blame him getting an eyeful while he can, I can imagine the Panty Mantis is hard to spot without clothes on...)

The Panty Mantis was also there, described as "Orlando's clingy girlfriend" in one report, (that made me laugh) and all of them reported how shockingly skinny she was. Looking at them together you can imagine the convo...



"Oye Orlandoe duz mye bumm looke bigge iyn this"

Ok Ok, I'm just being unkind and unrealistic, she's probably just saying

"Yew gette awaiy frome mee agian Orlandoe and eye will kille yew"

Also nice to see what her figure does in terms of inspiring the average person on the street, particularly given Treashure Urself is due out soon. One twitterer decided she was only going to have a slimmer shake and some fat free yogurt all day after running into the Panty Mantis - what a great healthy living role model she is!