Where to start!

whenever I start of a post and realise there is just too much material its normally relating to the Panty Mantis. She seems to have projectile explosions of "Me Me Me" at regular intervals (and normally timed with some event or other she wishes to distract people from). Today is no exception!

So, where to start..

Well, for one she's started writing poetry - I was going to do a spoof of this but I just couldnt bring myself to lavish the time on it, so instead you can enjoy it in all its unadulterated glory here!. I suppose its impressive she got someone to translate it out of her native tongue!


Then, as W kindly pointed out, there seems to be a slight discrepancy on the popularity of Treashure Ureself. Earlier this week Oz Vogue reported it as being in their top 10 list of bestsellers. I thought that was slightly strange at the time given there are only meant to be 2000 copies, and it appears that amazon agrees with me. They have it ranked 1,914,100 AND its been tagged under Urban Fiction.

As if that wasnt enough the Mantis is back and resident on her facebook "sharing" away - I'm sorry PM, as funny as your comments are on there (and I am impressed that you can type with your bump too) Live in my Skin is funnier...

The PM writes again...

I was wondering why she'd been so quiet - I presumed she was cooking up some publicity stunt to time with the VS christmas show but it seems she still found time to communicate with the jellus ones....


Deare lusinder
eye amme notte impressede at alle withe yur booke, eye ordereded a copie in the ende tew see whate itte whatte the fusse was alle aboute and eye thinke its disgustinge .

Whye yew are alle so proude offe beinge fatte ande jellus cowz is beyonde mee. Do yew thinke that Orlandoe lykes fatties orre somthinge - yew are wronge! pluse mye booke is nowe on the beste sellars liste withe vogue - eye tolde theme eye wouldnte lette them have anyee more nekkid piktures offe me iffe they didnte haw haw haw...

Aktually eye wante to aske youre advice thoughe on orlandoe he's beinge a bitte stragne. Eye "loste" mye clothes againe inne the name of arte thinkinge thayte he woulde fancie a bitte of seksy tyme ande he started cryinge - eye couldnte make outte what he waz sayinge bute itte sounded lyke "pleese kille me nowe, eye kante tayke aneemore".

odde righte? eye knowe he lykes nekkid wimin because he keepes onne goinge to strip clubbes withe his friendz butte when eye do itte he lookes sui..... sui...... (fuk itte) lyke hed rather bee deade.... eye evene didde thate seksy danse eye dide duringe the shoote for hym butte thayt juste made himme crye even moree.

Whate do yew thinke - I knowe yew havve no lyfe so youe will have plentie offe tyme to thinke of whats wronge...

and destroye youre boooke nowe - eye donte lyke thinges withe lottes of wordzs...

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 8: Post Thanksgiving Advice

Although Thanksgiving is not something we brits do, As we have a large american readership here on TSO, I thought I'd give some critical advice for you now the day of feasting has passed.

In fact this advice is useful after any bout of excess..

Overeaten over Thanksgiving? More stuffed than the turkey? Inunndated with LBD diets and advice on how to juice everything in sight? Put the magazines down - remember you are fat n jellus and the word "Diet" does not apply to you!

In fact if you are on the Pleasure Ureself plan is that on a feast day you probably havent eaten enough. Its a bit like being at a restaurant, you feel slightly worried about pulling out the maxi pack of All original Lard gel out of your maxi bag to add to your repast and so you miss out on some vital calories.

The trick is not to panic - there are many options available to the cunning fat'n'jellus person. Perhaps you could pop to the loo to consume a couple of tubs in private - providing you dont take too long, no-one will be any the wiser. Or you could pretend you left something in the car and stuff a tub or two down in the carpark. There are numerous options in any situation that will keep your fat n jellus technique a holy mystery and keep the weight piling on."

Sound advice that I hope you will find practical over the festive season!

The Phan Police

I think you'd have to be pretty blind or pretty stupid not to have notice that the arena of support for Orlando (or not as you like) is a pretty polarised place.

One the one hand you have the fat and Jellus (like me) who obviously have sad little lives which are spent eating, being jellus of the Panty Mantis and wanting Orlando all to myself and then you get those who feel that true love has never had a defnition like it does now and the little one (in her belly) is akin to the second coming. There is a shady third category of evil Bytch who doesnt actually care one way or the other but is so severely entertained by the phuckery thats been coming they cant leave it alone.

Generally this polarisation maintains its rightful place within the community but one group obviously does not seem to have gotten the message that we should be keeping our shame to ourselves..

When Heckler Spray did this post ratting on Orlando, I doubt they were planning on some of the comments that showed up (and they sound remarkably familiar to me)

"You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.”

It seems Heckler Spray were more than a little taken aback too so they did a follow up here

It seems that the cause of the Fat n Jellus is spreading outside of the Phanbase. Don't worry Heckler Spray - the rainbow and flowers brigade may not appreciate your wit but you will always be welcome in the ranks of the fat n jellus - even if your comments about Orlando were a little harsh

oh and your Tubbie and copy of Pleasure ureself is in the post!

We Three Kings

I know I've said this before but its all gone a bit quiet on the Orlando front again - perhaps, like the holy family in Bethlehem 2000 years ago, they are at this very moment preparing for a long journey - after all, the Mantis seems to be treating the birth of the little one (in her bellie) like the second coming....

I just hope Viggo is one of the three kings... where was I? Oh yes, this mornings post !

Actually I don't have much more to add other than I hope you like the pretty sighs!

Live in my Skin .... again

I have to hand it to the author(s) of this blog - this is one of the funniest parodies I've seen yet of our Panty Mantis - not only the posts but the characterization of the posters....

L.I.M.S - I take my hat off to you - and may I say that there probably is someone somewhere at this very moment constructing a fan page for Orlando's bodily fluids....... but its probably polite not to guess who!

A touch of Spelt...

I think by now we all appreciate the business head the Panty Mantis has on her. Whether or not you appreciate tru luuurve when you see it, there is no denying that the Mantis has made some smart personal business decisions along the way:

The decision to drop a Certain Oz Publicists brother in favour of Orlando cant be described as anything other than sound commercial sense by a fat n jellus person such as myself.

The decision to use Orlando as the biggest publicity vehicle since Lady Godiva rode into the arena claiming she had simply nothing to wear can only be thought of as good business sense.

The decision to Trap have a little one (in her belly) and encourage the matrimonial processes along could almost be described as machiavelian.

So the whole Kora / Treashure ureself thing is perhaps slightly lower than the usual high standards one has come to expect of Team Mantis but her decision to go start up a line of products that both tick the organic box whilst contributing to the fat n jellus fraternity is pure business gold.

(Thanks to W for linking me up!)