Caption this...

A hidden blessing

Ok so now the shock of the new baby finally being named has subsided (and the shock of reading yet again that the Panty Mantis went through a natural birth, all 27 hours of it, with an enormous baby (who is, I'll admit, exceedingly cute)) I feel able to give some more consideration to the name itself. I've also managed to get over the Metro claiming that the Panty Mantis has managed to spark debate with her booby shot - actually no i've not quite managed that yet, the idea of the PM even sparking a match seems highly unlikely, but I'm working on it!

So, Lets give a moments though to how the name sounds shall we?

Flynn

Flynn Kerr-Bloom

Said fast that sounds a bit like Flinkerbloom, or Flinker for short....

Still, I guess we can all be thoroughly grateful that the first name "Wan" was off the menu for the Panty Mantis...

P.S I think I should also say at this stage, that though we have covered the birth and naming of little Flinker here on TSO, I'm not proposing to focus on the little chap after this post - he deserves as much lack of media coverage as he can get, and I'm not going to add to his burdens in life...

Orlando or No?

Well, what do you think fellow Fat'n'Jellus people?

Is this Orlando out on the Razzle or his stunt double having a beer? I can't quite work it out....

In like Flynn!

So the queen of privacy and secrecy has final named her baby and kindly posted a picture of her boobs (and baby bloom) on the internet. In a carefully timed and released "candid" (and I when I mean candid, I mean the type of candid that has a team of make-up artists and a lighting team standing close by) the Panty mantis privately shares the details of the second coming.

Funnily enough our Panty Mantis is still flogging the idea that she gave birth naturally (obviously she hasnt read the large number of comments about her nether regions that followed on from that particular statement).

She's also called the baby Flynn....... Flynn Kerr-Bloom ! Poor little mite, not only does it have the PM for a mother, it has a name that sounds akin to a mild explosion!

Baby Bloom (no, sorry, I cant call it Flynn right now) is a little cutie by the looks of it though - here's to it looking like its father!

p.s. Being the fat'n'jellus hater that I am, I took as much out of the mantis as I could. Research has shown that viewing the PM's face for any length of time can cause rapid weight loss and I didnt want to inflict that on TSO's readership!

Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern Household Management

How exciting, following on from the Shotgun: A Practical Guide to Weddings and of course my seminal publication Pleasure Urself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus I have now decided to grace your bookshelves with a third Book!

I realise the market for this one may be slightly smaller than the first two (you rather need to have either a wife , a baby or preferably both) but no matter! May I proudly introduce .....

Fat and'Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern household management

Its going to be kinda like the book Mrs Beeton wrote, with less emphasis on cookery and more emphasis on avoiding your inlaws and approaching motherhood from a fat'n'jellus angle!

I'm hoping that not only will you all find it helpful in your fat'n'jellus lives but it might also be of some assistance to Orlando. Judging by the latest set ups we've been graced with, he could do with some advice.

(The photo is a shot Orlando kindly posed for me on escape methods to be used on your inlaws.... though personally I think he could do with some more help - the bike idea was a good one, i dont know many MILs that would agree to a trip on a bike, but he underestimated Mama Mantis' drive to get in the press)

In the true spirit of a self help guide, it will of course be full of suggestions for products from the Ensurient Corpulence Range to compliment the theory, and I am also enlisting Wanda and Joders (as two of the fattest and most jellus people in the world ever (along with me obviously)) to help me both model the products and help me develop its own blog and facebook page, all the better for me to communicate with random online people close online friends and supporters.

Are you excited??
I know I am!

The Mantis Makes Contact

Finally - the week or so of silence on the Panty Mantis' side (apart from the odd offering to random people online close online friends) she has finally spoken - and TSO has an exclusive interview with the PM about the birth:

S: Thanks very much for agreeing to answer some questions for TSO
PM: Thayts allryghte, nowe eye havve hadde the moste stunninge birthe in the worlde eva, eye thoughte eye shoulde comme and calle a truse withe yew fatte cowze

S: err ok, thanks! So tell us a bit more about the birth, we are all dying to know the details
PM: Welle itte woze amiazinge, i lookedde stunninge throughte, theyre were butteflyies and rainbowse ande Orlandoe sange badde romance to mee to stoppe mee gettinge board.

S; it sounds wonderful, so ORlando was with you for the birth?
PM: Haw haw haw, offe course! Eye gotte mye hole familie inne to holde himme downe juste in case Eye couldnt keepe holde of the ball klamper myeselfe - butte i needente of worriede! he satte there withe hiss heade in his handes throughe moste of itte, cryinge and rockinge.... I thinke he was juste overcomme withe emotionn!

S: ok, sound like he was really pleased to be at your side?????
PM: yesse, aparete from the cryinge and wailinge offe "Why ME!" butte eye thinke alle new dads doo thayte!

S: I understand you gave birth to a 10lb baby without the use of any drugs what so ever? Thats amazing on someone quite so slight, what was that like?
PM: Itte was lyke Mye whyte balle of lighte hadde saide - a seconde cominge... eye didnte even breake into a sweate.

S; There are vicious rumours circulating that you had a c-section, what would you say to people who think that?
PM: YEw are fatte jeluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe alle to yourselves...

S; even the guys??
PM: yesse, the guys are gay fatte jelluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe all to themselves...

S: i can see we arent going to get any further with this question! so how is your new family doing now?
PM: Eyem greate butte Orlandoe is stille actinge oldlie.... eye was hopinge you mighte be able to helpe aktuallie... eye wante to calle the babbie Bruce butte dispite increasinge the balle klampah - he's stille notte agreinge to it... any idease?

S: perhaps if you speak to him non stop for an hour, his ear drums will have been sufficiently tortured by the sound of your voice to agree to anything
PM: Whaytte dide yew saye, whats wronge with mye voice, its stunninge

S: right right, sorry!
PM: Eye see whate is hapenninge here, yew are fatte and jelluz too

S: well yes, that is kind of our strapline at TSO



I had to end the interview at that point - she called in Brother and MOther mantis and i thought discretion was the best part of valour - but I thought i'd share what i did manage to transcribe!

Happy Birthday Orlando

I seem to be late at the moment with all my seasonal and personal greetings - but they late is better than never...

So...

Happy Birthday Orlando

And if I may a small birthday wish..

avoid calling your child either Bruce or Lachlan if you can (we all know what the PM is capable of) - I know both are aussie and I've heard from your "wife" that the baby is all aussie despite its Brit genetics , but neither suit the surname Bloom!