Its good to laugh!

And I promise you this will do it for you!

Fresh out of hospital and straight back talking to random online people close friends about the second coming, our Panty mantis had this to say about giving birth to a 10lb baby...

Just gorgeous, thanks so much hon. I did natural birth too, no drugs or pain killers!!! Love Miranda xxx

Much as I obviously believe every word that comes out of her mouth, I'm having the greatest difficulty getting my head round a Mantis of her build pushing out 10lb's worth of baby with nothing. From what I've seen of the birthing process, its the most painful experience known to man so I need to get some understand of our Mantis' description of this auspicious event..

To me this all hangs on what one classes as natural. One could argue that Gas and Air is natural, I suspect that the Mantis probably counts an epidurals as natural, and of course a C-section could count as completely natural (providing you discount the anaesthetic). Whatever the truth of the matter is (and I doubt we'll ever find out) one things for sure, if she's gone for a "natural" delivery of an extremely large child -

Of course there's one completely natural side effect of delivering a child of that size via natures way..... but I won't even type that here......

An Orlando Break

To help you all through this difficult time (I'm assuming that the tension as we wait for an official announcement is effecting you as much as its effecting me) Orlando's new Boss video has come out to provide us Jellus ones with small consolation while we stuff our faces..


Cute huh!

In other news it appears we have a new celebrity amount Orlando's inlaws - despite news of someone or other getting a haircut beating the news of the new arrival on most celeb gossip sites (odd but true!) it seems Matty is the latest of the Mantis clan to be hounded by evil paparazzi 24/7 as he was "caught" by paparazzi "stalking" him (and i use both terms in it traditional meaning for the Panty Mantis) as he was caught with Brent Wood trying to Channel Orlando...

All I can say is I hope he gives it up soon - sunglasses and a pair of tight jeans do not equal looking like the man that played Legolas....

Remember the wedding plans?

It seems that even the major of gunnedah has heard been brought glad tidings of great joy about his new Australian son (the fact its actually half british by birth and in fact probably also american seems to have passed a lot of reports about this happy event by)

My first reaction was "isnt that nice" (honestly it was!) and then i suddenly saw through the Mayor of Gunnedah's evul scheme....

I realised that having had his chance to hold the wedding of the year cut off at the knees already the speed of gestation of Baby Bloom, he's making another bid to whip out the Brass Band, call a public holiday and get some use out of Gunnedah village hall for the Christening of the new arrival... its the only explanation for why the Mayor is happily commenting away here before any one else has (apart from Russell James of course - but he probably feels entitled having shot the Panty Mantis' a**ehole and circulated it round the globe).

Mayor of Gunnedah, I truly hope you get this gig - I think they owe you! After all your kind promises of a national gunnedah holiday, brass band and bunting for the wedding, its seems only fair that you use it to celebrate the birth of the new arrival.

(and I know we've had our differences Panty Mantis' but you know I'll help with the planning and I'm sure I can convince Wanda and Joders to be part of the proceedings too - they still have their lovely bridesmaid outfits ready and waiting)

Still holding onto our seats...

Ok, So the second coming is starting to become as protracted, confusing and ill matching as their wedding was... kind of apt I guess..

Since yesterday X17 (thanks Mystic) reported that one of their reporters in the hospital (?!?) overheard that it was a Baby Bloom not a Mini Mantis but still no official confirmation that either the blessed day has arrived or what sex the blessing is...

If i was a crueler person, I'd say we are experiencing PR milking of said blessed event, but I'm Fat and Jellus not cruel so I cant say that....

If indeed a baby bloom (or mini mantis) has arrived onto planet earth, I fervently wish that Orlando does everything he possible can to keep that baby away from the kind of life its mother enjoys. It does not need a public profile, it does not need a publicity agent and it does not need a 4 page spread in people magazine..

I'm probably being a bit hopeful though, considering the Mantis' electronic Ball Klamper...... Hes not done a great job of resisting that so far..

Hold on to your seats everyone!

No no, the Panty Mantis still hasnt said anything interesting, but rumours are circulating that the second coming has finally arrived!

Halluljah I hear you all cry!

Word is that its a girl but of course no official confirmation yet - after all why end the speculation when there is good PR mileage to be made of the blessed event...

In all seriousness though I wish the new nipper well - its not the kids fault that the Panty Mantis is its mother and in honour of its likely/imminent birth I wont sit down and work out when it must of been conceived, I'm sure someone else will do the Maths....

and of course congratulations to Orlando - whatever the facts of the matter, I'm sure he'll make a fabulous Dad!

yes yes, I know! Fat... Jellus.... Orlando to myself...

The Second Coming

I don't know about you but in addition to stuffing my face to make up for the momentary slippage on calorie intake over Christmas I am also waiting with baited breath for the little one (in our Panty Mantis' Belly) to make its entry into the world....

There seems to be ongoing confusion over the due date though, the only solution I can see is to sit tight next to your computer, set up your RSS feed to update from the Panty Mantis' facebook (after all, she's sure to give a blow by blow account on there to random people close online friends....

Poor kid - its already over-hyped before its even made it into the world.... I don't rate its mother much but I have hopes its Dad will work out ok!

New Year New You!

How fitting that my 300th post on here should be a valuable entry on ways in which to survive post Christmas Diet season...

Obviously as a truly committed fat and jellus person you will already be strenuously ignoring the often well meant advice in many of the glossies about loosing weight - obviously it doesnt apply to you!

You are right of course but actually a little known fact is that most fatties need to do the fat equivalent of a post Christmas anti Diet.... You may think that because you ate your body weight in mince pies and other festive treats you are not in danger of jeopardizing your progress through the year - You are probably WRONG!

Think about - you may have eaten all your Christmas treats, but have you truly kept up your lard intake? Orders at Ensurient Corpulence for the festive period tell me otherwise..

so to get you back on track, we're offering you a BOGOF offer our all original lard gel - buy one case and we will deliver you an additional case absolutely free.

if you are a UK lard user, for a limited time only we will also cover the VAT increase!

Go on fatties - make 2011 your fattest EVER year!