Ted strikes again

Here we go again with yet another Blind Vice about Ted's new favourite character Harland Fuss

Dear Ted:
Question, if one of your B.V. stars did something huge—say for example, a gay B.V. star married his beard—would you immediately write about that under their guises or wait a little while? Or would you just not write about it at all because it would give too much away?
—JTP

Dear Tie the Knot:
If I wrote about it immediately, don't you think it'd be a bit obvious? But if a bearding turns into a not-so-holy matrimony then of course I'm going to dish the deets. Just look at Harland Fuss.

Draw your own conclusions of course, but I think its fairly clear at the very least who Ted would like us to be thinking this is about!

A Bumpy ride!

Wow! What a week (and its only Tuesday) of Blind Items, hints from Ted and baby bumps so far. My head is all in a spin with quite how much anti "twu Luuurve" commentary there has been over these two. Poor old Orlando and his pet Mantis! The very thing he's done to convince the world that he's a straight, uber successful actor at the top of his game with a VS Panty Mantis up the duff and in tow has given rise to the biggest rush of items calling it out as a bearding set up that I've seen in a long while...

Damn, its gotta really piss you off when that happens..

Its quite clear from our favourite Ted C though that he's got rather a soft spot for Orlando (which is nice) and thinks his wife is a fame hungry user (which is funny). I think Ted deserves a Phree Orlando t-shirt too!

of course we shouldnt forget baby bloom (especially now his Mantis has decided she is the guru of pregancy) I'm sure OB and Viggo are is very excited, after all, he usually is about most things if his press conferences are anything to go by...

Blind Vice

Can i just share my increasingly high opinion of Ted C with you - you've gotta hand it to him, on the day that the Panty Mantis and OB announce that they are with little mantis he posts a Blind Vice item

You can read it here

Most people are guessing its our favourite pair - I just love his timing ....

In other news, while Orlando is busy filming with Milla in Germany (in fact they are doing press conferences at the moment but I'm not one to quibble, he's looking cute and Milla looks fab), The Panty Mantis is chained to her keyboard spouting facebook drivel as usual. Honestly, I understand she is very happy to be with child and more importantly to have gotten Orlando to not deny its his, but still. And it seems that our new "Mother Earth' will be devising a baby kora range very soon too - how nice, overpriced skincare for the under fives..... Im just waiting for the Noni juice range of baby food (BTW Mantis, if you do that, I want my cut!)

Oh and one final thing, my partner came up with another name for your spawn (assuming its male of course)

Jared Itsyours Bloom

I thought that one had great ring to it!

Post script

A small word of advice for Orlando before I go:

The days when you can call the photographers to take photos of you and your latest script and look like you don't want them there are long gone...... even when you do try to authenticate the experience with a one fingered salute, though i have to congratulate you on your lack of subtlety!

Oh, and you might want to have a word with someone about Ted C- he keeps doing the most cracking one liners about you and your new wife, though my favourite is still the business deal one :D

Here are 4 reasons why Orlando is a lucky guy!

1) Her phace looks as it does above without the aid of an air brush
2) A see thru dress and stripey panties just scream class!
3) She has truly mastered the shot that says "look at my rings" though I must say Orlando needs further work on his
4) The rest of the world has seen her naked too. He must be so proud!

Funnily enough it seems Ted C is also fat, jellus and wanting Orlando all for himself...

The latest in a long line of wicked speculation over the driving forces behind our newly weds is as follows:

"Dear Ted:
Thank you for always calling out the games that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom (Kerbloom) are trying to play on the public with this farce they have going on. What do you think of the announcement that they got married? No better way to try and prove you wrong than to claim to be married.
—Anonymous

Dear Skeptical About Kerr:
Let me ask you a question: is there any other reason why we're reading about these two in the news? There's your answer."


Nuff said Ted!

The Definition of a business deal?

As its all gone a bit quite again I've had the opportunity to think a bit recently about the definition of a Business Deal, you'd think it was something that you put into Wiki and out it pops, but I couldn't find anything that captured the meaning with the words together...

But I think the meaning can be illustrated by looking at the words separately

Business: In the context of business deal this means that its contractual; its main aim is to further the position of both involved; something for mutual benefit; something that creates financial or reputational gain

Deal: implies agreement; contractual arrangement; a concordance of ideas on how to proceed..

So basically we have a contractual arrangement for mutual benefit of financial or reputational gain.

That sounds like our fav couple to me! Though I am surprised Ted hasn't been made to counter it yet, like he had to last time!

(Disclaimer: Obviously I'm a just a jellus cow that can't identify true love when i see it.)

Ted's Business Deal

Oh dear..... RIGHT on the day that the long awaited family photos appear with our Panty Mantis, Ted Casablanca decides to put the proverbial cat amongst the pigeons:

Dear Ted:
Do you agree that Matt Damon has the right idea choosing a woman not in the business? His marriage seems so secure and normal. What chance do you give Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr? I give it a year maybe. They are cute as buttons together, but I still think Orlando is making a mistake not choosing a nice British girl who is not in the public eye 24/7.
—co0ftroy

Dear Business Deal:
Matt and Luciana are everything right about Hollywood. I wouldn't even compare them and the Orlando-Miranda duo (Orlanda?), but if you insist, I'd say Orly needs to find someone much more low-key if he really wants some lifelong companionship. Something tells me Miranda, whose star has only recently skyrocketed, is much too wild for boring old Bloom.

"Dear Business Deal".......

Naughty Ted, taking the shine of the Panty Mantis' specul moment and giving us jellus cowz something else to laugh about. I wonder if we'll get a Ted style retraction like we did last time....

Finally! Ted C has his say...

Given Ted C's recent involvement with our PR friendly couple, it seemed odd that he should keep silent on the happy news, Finally Ted has had an item about our love birds

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Orlando Bloom's engagement?
—Meg

Dear Shoulda Put a Ring on It:
I think it, and his decision to drop out of Pirates 4, is very Orlando Bloom.


Typical Ted Cryptic!! I wonder if he's trying to infer he's made a mistake!!

Ted and his awful truth...

Its gone a bit quite again on the OB front.. you notice yet again that the minute that that he and the panty mantis part company you don't hear anything from him for days at a time??

Ted C has kindly filled this gap of nothingness by doing an "awful truth" on OB.

Dear Ted:
You once said Orlando Bloom's and his girlfriends were "ridiculous pairings." Why ridiculous? I think Pirates gal Naomie Harris is perfect for him, a nice London based low-key beautiful young woman. Does this sound ridiculous also? Or are you and many others hoping he gets together with Jen Aniston, finally!
—C

Dear Yuck:
Because they never last—which is what he wants, just like Clooney. And no way to the J.A. hookup. If there's one thing Jen doesn't need, it's another boy in her life. When she finally hangs up the margarita glass and bikini, she needs a real man—which also disqualifies fratboy wannabe Gerard Butler

Ted C certainly serves it straight up when he writes about Orlando! I doubt the panty mantis will be very pleased to hear she's part of a ridiculous pairing - though I personally couldn't agree more.

I am, however, considering a nice-n-cheesy revamp of TSO a la Ted - seriously that photo he has up there, its like Oprah, Jerry Springer and the man from Delmonte all rolled into one... hmm maybe not :D

On the subject of the panty mantis, if you get a chance check out Inanity here, Joders has the inside track on the latest Victoria Sekrits photo shoot....

Clean and Rich?

Why must one of the hottest guys on the planet persist in looking like this..



Maybe the "source" in Ted C's recent post got Orli and the PM mixed up with another couple - either that or her definition of "Clean and Rich" would be described by most people as "grubby and smelly".

And do I espy that Green T-shirt yet again?

Just for the record (and I hope our favourite "source" will take some advice on the subject) This is what clean and rich looks like...



You understand the difference, right?

Oh Ted! You naughty tease....

Poor old Ted C, it sounds like he's had enough of his new "source" already! The following is merrily doing the rounds:

Dear Ted:
You confuse me. One minute you agree that Miranda is wrong for Orlando and they can't break up soon enough, and in another post you seemed thrilled they are hot and heavy again and still together. What is it? Do you like them together just because they are so beautiful? Take a stand will ya!
—Troy

Dear Oh, Whatever:
Look, as long as Orlando's going to keep torturing us with these ridiculously unlikely pairings, I can at least enjoy the scenery in the meantime, can't I? Life's easier that way, I find. Try it!

Don't worry Troy, we may all be confused but I imagine that you are one of the few that actually care any more either way. And as for Ted's response - "torturing" is an extremely good word when dealing with OB and his mantis at the moment.

C'mon Orli - I'm getting bored of this already - any chance of some movie news? (though i have to admit your use of a tie in the photo above is rather intriguing.... I'd settle for a better look at exactly what look you're going for instead if the movie thing is too hard for you!)

A translation of the truth?

Wow, the cat must really be among the pigeons in Mantis and Orli land....

Ted C (the one who had the happy task of reporting the first reports of the fight flight) has just made a serious damage control post. Obviously, the lovely photographs we have all enjoyed, and that were so demonstrative of natural tru luurve, haven't quite hit the mark....

I thought since I've got the day off, I'd have a go at giving my translation of it for you (remember this is just my view and humour....)

Ted Casablanca:

Orlando and Miranda: Passionate PDA, Uh-Oh

We've been dying for a fix of the world's most beautiful couple, since we were discouraged after Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's recent not-so-mile-high-club plane interaction.
We can happily report that the turbulent plane ride was clearly an off day for the couple, as they were spotted at Mojo Coffee in NYC's West Village this weekend looking as close as evuh.

TRANS: FOLKS, YOU REMEMBER I REPORTED THEY WERE FIGHTING LAST WEEK, BUT SINCE THEN EVERYONE ON THE NET RIPPED THE SHIT OUT OF THEM SO I'VE NOW BEEN PULLED IN TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL, OTHERWISE THEY WON'T DO ANY MORE SET-UPS FOR US AND ORLANDO WILL GO DEAF FROM ALL THE SCREECHING

Orlando and his babe-a-licious Victoria's Secret model GF stopped by for some grub and were completely smitten with each other. "They are obviously infatuated," our source assured (and slightly shocked) us.

TRANS: WHEN I SAY "IT SLIGHTLY SHOCKED US" PLEASE TAKE THAT IN A SARCASTIC WAY, OUR "SOURCE" IS MK'S PR AGENT AND WHAT THE HECK ELSE IS SHE GOING TO SAY

Orlando did the ordering for the twosome—but he didn't have any cash when it came time to pay. Luckily, his ladylove helped him out with the green before she darted to the bathroom. Did the looker want to make it appear that the gentleman was being entirely, well, gentlemanly?

TRANS: OUR "SOURCE" WISHES TO IMPLY THAT SHE WORKS AND HE HASN'T HAD A MOVIE IN THE CINEMA IN YEARS ERGO ITS HER PAYING FOR HIM NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND.

Oh, and the tight-again twosome looked totally smokin'—especially Miranda. "She's so hot," our babe-witness reported. "They looked very clean and rich."

TRANS: THE "SOURCE" WISHES TO DISPEL ANY CRUEL RUMOURS THAT ORLANDO DOESN'T WASH, ONLY HAS ONE OUTFIT PER MONTH AND MIRANDA DRESSES LIKE A HOBO, AS SOME NASTY INTERNET SITES HAVE BEEN SAYING

Now that Orly and M are feelin' each other again, maybe their next plane flight will be a little more interesting, if you know what we mean…

TRANS: I'M GUESSING THAT THE NEXT "SOURCE" WILL BE PEDDLING THE MILE HIGH CLUB AGAIN WITH BACK UP FROM TWITTER

Come on, Orly, sell it all the way, 'kay?

TRANS: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HAVING TO SELL THIS SHIT, ORLANDO - ITS YOUR PR EXCERCISE IN DAMAGE CONTROL... IT WOULDN'T HURT IF YOU WERE MORE CONVINCING...

I'm not sure if I were them I would of used Ted C for this, Ted is a brilliant and talented blogger - brilliant and talented for managing to convey his view within all the PR shite that gets flung around, and in my opinion here is no exception! (BTW I thought a photo of Orlando and the PM looking clean rich and happy might be appropriate for this post, so I chose the one above...)

Breaking news.... breaking news....

There are unsubstantiated reports that Pirates of the Caribbean actor Orlando Bloom (pictured above) may be back in possession of his Balls. After months of speculation that the Hollywood hearthrob had actually legally signed his testicles over to the Panty Mantis, our sources now say that in the last 90 mins a covert operation has been in process to reclaim them. Representatives for the Panty Mantis or Orlando were unavailable for comment.