In like Flynn!

So the queen of privacy and secrecy has final named her baby and kindly posted a picture of her boobs (and baby bloom) on the internet. In a carefully timed and released "candid" (and I when I mean candid, I mean the type of candid that has a team of make-up artists and a lighting team standing close by) the Panty mantis privately shares the details of the second coming.

Funnily enough our Panty Mantis is still flogging the idea that she gave birth naturally (obviously she hasnt read the large number of comments about her nether regions that followed on from that particular statement).

She's also called the baby Flynn....... Flynn Kerr-Bloom ! Poor little mite, not only does it have the PM for a mother, it has a name that sounds akin to a mild explosion!

Baby Bloom (no, sorry, I cant call it Flynn right now) is a little cutie by the looks of it though - here's to it looking like its father!

p.s. Being the fat'n'jellus hater that I am, I took as much out of the mantis as I could. Research has shown that viewing the PM's face for any length of time can cause rapid weight loss and I didnt want to inflict that on TSO's readership!

The Mantis Makes Contact

Finally - the week or so of silence on the Panty Mantis' side (apart from the odd offering to random people online close online friends) she has finally spoken - and TSO has an exclusive interview with the PM about the birth:

S: Thanks very much for agreeing to answer some questions for TSO
PM: Thayts allryghte, nowe eye havve hadde the moste stunninge birthe in the worlde eva, eye thoughte eye shoulde comme and calle a truse withe yew fatte cowze

S: err ok, thanks! So tell us a bit more about the birth, we are all dying to know the details
PM: Welle itte woze amiazinge, i lookedde stunninge throughte, theyre were butteflyies and rainbowse ande Orlandoe sange badde romance to mee to stoppe mee gettinge board.

S; it sounds wonderful, so ORlando was with you for the birth?
PM: Haw haw haw, offe course! Eye gotte mye hole familie inne to holde himme downe juste in case Eye couldnt keepe holde of the ball klamper myeselfe - butte i needente of worriede! he satte there withe hiss heade in his handes throughe moste of itte, cryinge and rockinge.... I thinke he was juste overcomme withe emotionn!

S: ok, sound like he was really pleased to be at your side?????
PM: yesse, aparete from the cryinge and wailinge offe "Why ME!" butte eye thinke alle new dads doo thayte!

S: I understand you gave birth to a 10lb baby without the use of any drugs what so ever? Thats amazing on someone quite so slight, what was that like?
PM: Itte was lyke Mye whyte balle of lighte hadde saide - a seconde cominge... eye didnte even breake into a sweate.

S; There are vicious rumours circulating that you had a c-section, what would you say to people who think that?
PM: YEw are fatte jeluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe alle to yourselves...

S; even the guys??
PM: yesse, the guys are gay fatte jelluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe all to themselves...

S: i can see we arent going to get any further with this question! so how is your new family doing now?
PM: Eyem greate butte Orlandoe is stille actinge oldlie.... eye was hopinge you mighte be able to helpe aktuallie... eye wante to calle the babbie Bruce butte dispite increasinge the balle klampah - he's stille notte agreinge to it... any idease?

S: perhaps if you speak to him non stop for an hour, his ear drums will have been sufficiently tortured by the sound of your voice to agree to anything
PM: Whaytte dide yew saye, whats wronge with mye voice, its stunninge

S: right right, sorry!
PM: Eye see whate is hapenninge here, yew are fatte and jelluz too

S: well yes, that is kind of our strapline at TSO



I had to end the interview at that point - she called in Brother and MOther mantis and i thought discretion was the best part of valour - but I thought i'd share what i did manage to transcribe!

Remember the wedding plans?

It seems that even the major of gunnedah has heard been brought glad tidings of great joy about his new Australian son (the fact its actually half british by birth and in fact probably also american seems to have passed a lot of reports about this happy event by)

My first reaction was "isnt that nice" (honestly it was!) and then i suddenly saw through the Mayor of Gunnedah's evul scheme....

I realised that having had his chance to hold the wedding of the year cut off at the knees already the speed of gestation of Baby Bloom, he's making another bid to whip out the Brass Band, call a public holiday and get some use out of Gunnedah village hall for the Christening of the new arrival... its the only explanation for why the Mayor is happily commenting away here before any one else has (apart from Russell James of course - but he probably feels entitled having shot the Panty Mantis' a**ehole and circulated it round the globe).

Mayor of Gunnedah, I truly hope you get this gig - I think they owe you! After all your kind promises of a national gunnedah holiday, brass band and bunting for the wedding, its seems only fair that you use it to celebrate the birth of the new arrival.

(and I know we've had our differences Panty Mantis' but you know I'll help with the planning and I'm sure I can convince Wanda and Joders to be part of the proceedings too - they still have their lovely bridesmaid outfits ready and waiting)

Still holding onto our seats...

Ok, So the second coming is starting to become as protracted, confusing and ill matching as their wedding was... kind of apt I guess..

Since yesterday X17 (thanks Mystic) reported that one of their reporters in the hospital (?!?) overheard that it was a Baby Bloom not a Mini Mantis but still no official confirmation that either the blessed day has arrived or what sex the blessing is...

If i was a crueler person, I'd say we are experiencing PR milking of said blessed event, but I'm Fat and Jellus not cruel so I cant say that....

If indeed a baby bloom (or mini mantis) has arrived onto planet earth, I fervently wish that Orlando does everything he possible can to keep that baby away from the kind of life its mother enjoys. It does not need a public profile, it does not need a publicity agent and it does not need a 4 page spread in people magazine..

I'm probably being a bit hopeful though, considering the Mantis' electronic Ball Klamper...... Hes not done a great job of resisting that so far..

Hold on to your seats everyone!

No no, the Panty Mantis still hasnt said anything interesting, but rumours are circulating that the second coming has finally arrived!

Halluljah I hear you all cry!

Word is that its a girl but of course no official confirmation yet - after all why end the speculation when there is good PR mileage to be made of the blessed event...

In all seriousness though I wish the new nipper well - its not the kids fault that the Panty Mantis is its mother and in honour of its likely/imminent birth I wont sit down and work out when it must of been conceived, I'm sure someone else will do the Maths....

and of course congratulations to Orlando - whatever the facts of the matter, I'm sure he'll make a fabulous Dad!

yes yes, I know! Fat... Jellus.... Orlando to myself...

The Second Coming

I don't know about you but in addition to stuffing my face to make up for the momentary slippage on calorie intake over Christmas I am also waiting with baited breath for the little one (in our Panty Mantis' Belly) to make its entry into the world....

There seems to be ongoing confusion over the due date though, the only solution I can see is to sit tight next to your computer, set up your RSS feed to update from the Panty Mantis' facebook (after all, she's sure to give a blow by blow account on there to random people close online friends....

Poor kid - its already over-hyped before its even made it into the world.... I don't rate its mother much but I have hopes its Dad will work out ok!

A Bumpy ride!

Wow! What a week (and its only Tuesday) of Blind Items, hints from Ted and baby bumps so far. My head is all in a spin with quite how much anti "twu Luuurve" commentary there has been over these two. Poor old Orlando and his pet Mantis! The very thing he's done to convince the world that he's a straight, uber successful actor at the top of his game with a VS Panty Mantis up the duff and in tow has given rise to the biggest rush of items calling it out as a bearding set up that I've seen in a long while...

Damn, its gotta really piss you off when that happens..

Its quite clear from our favourite Ted C though that he's got rather a soft spot for Orlando (which is nice) and thinks his wife is a fame hungry user (which is funny). I think Ted deserves a Phree Orlando t-shirt too!

of course we shouldnt forget baby bloom (especially now his Mantis has decided she is the guru of pregancy) I'm sure OB and Viggo are is very excited, after all, he usually is about most things if his press conferences are anything to go by...

The Art of Naming

Sorry about the delay in posting this one, I had an urgent message from our Mantis, asking for my advice on naming her new spawn.... obviously I had to get right on it - someone that famous and important can't be ignored!

Before we get to that though I'll start by offering my sincerest congratulations to Orlando and Viggo the Panty Mantis, I'm sure they are all very happy with the news..

Ok, enough of that - on to names (I hope you like them Panty Mantis :))

How about Kings Bloom (as in Kings of Leon - its a band he loves and you spent time with round the "conception")

or you could go with Brandon would be a good name too - you've gotta admit Brandon Bloom has a certain ring to it -

There is, of course, always Viggo - I think Viggo Bloom would be a great name for a boy mantis (and Orlando would be sure to love this one!)

I have to say though, it became a lot more difficult when I started thinking of girl baby names....

Obviously Miranda is a bad idea as a name, with you as the obvious exception of course, to me it kind of says famewhore without actually saying it...

I thought of Sienna or Penelope - but the former says "slapper" and the latter says "lucky escape" and I wouldn't wish that on the poor kid...

On balance I think for Kate Bloom is a nice summary: it says classy, stylish, has a career of her own (albeit as more of a style maven), dated movie stars while they were still hot property (ie has timing)

So, what do you think Mantis (oh and welcome to our club by the way - i know you are unable to be jellus , having Orlando all to yourself already, but you can qualify on the fat side)

Let me know, I'm happy to keep coming up with more.....

One thing is for sure - at least we all know now why it was so much of a shot gunnedah wedding.... I look forward to seeing the bump!