What REALLY happened at the Staples Centre

PANTY MANTIS: coooeeeee! eyem hear freindz, doynt eye looke lovelee! Eye'm notte sure whate Orlandoe is laffinge aboute butte nevah minde, for once he lookes lyke hes havinge fun while eye'm arounde

ORLANDO:Oh God Baste, I think I'm finally loosing it - how much longer do I have to be in the same airspace as her. Look! My brains so shot to shit that I can't do my jacket up and I keep bursting out with bouts of uncontrollable hysteria!

SEBASTIAN: Dude! Pull yourself together. If you're going to have a breakdown the Staples Centre Car Park is not the place for it. If its got to the stage where you cant even get your jumper done up we really do have a problem.... (thinks: Oh god, my poor poor cousin, I need to get him some help and fast)

OTHER GUYS: OK so Orlando Bloom is laughing, do you think its now that his 'wife's' going to get her titties out?

Bytch Please!

"I might about to get my balls put back in your blender, and I KNOW I'm about to be in-lawed to the max, but in this space and this time .. I'm still my own man, goddam it! ... at least until I get in the car, anyway!""

Caption Time

"Those Phuckinge Delphee Bytches, whot do theye thynke theye arre. theye shoulde knowe eye'm far too busy to sitte on a computter! Eyem a internatunul soopermodul ANDE on mye honeyemoon with Orlandoe, (Even iff ti waz onlee phour days)"

Caption Time

Sam: Someone please kill me now.....

Caption Time...

Orlando smiled happily at the waiting photographers.

"I may not have been able to manage a caption birds eye look" he thought, "and lawd knows I've tried, but I've definitely got more facial hair than the other two"

Alls well that ends well.

The Panty Mantis smiled happily as she contemplated the success of her cunning plan.

"Orlandoe" she said "aarnt yew pleezed yew saved ur coszin and ur dowg? And looke owr freindz the paps aar happie too! nowe just give meee ur balls back so eye can store them wear theye belong."

Orlando sighed deeply and thought: here we go again, not only does this puffy nightmare on sticks have my balls, but she also now knows that British air space is open, I wonder what it takes to make that volcano errupt again? Still, at least i managed to get a little something from Dior for Viggo!

A Post Script: Caption time

The Beautiful couple....



A shocked bystander cannot believe that Orlando Bloom's acting talent has sunk further than Elizabethtown..



(yes, yes, I'm fatnjellus and probably a bit cruel, but there was just too much choice for one post....)

To: Orlando Bloom

Oye Orlando, Eye ahve yure cousin and yure dog, unless yew stop avioiding mee and bring mee back yure balls, i will hurte them both. As yew can see from this pikture yure cousin is already lookyng scared.

Acte now
Panty Mantis

Caption Time: Friday edition

Orlando felt almost hysterical with relief when he realised his wedding tackle was still in place after a recent trip to New York.....

Caption Time 3 (Friday edition :D)

Orlando was upset about his conversation with Viggo, until he realised there were other ways that he could get a turn on top.....

Caption TIme 2.......

As the photoshoot dragged on, Orlando found new ways to remind him of Viggo