"I Don't Believe It!"

This post title was meant to be a bit of a "One Foot in the Grave" Expression of surprise but when I thought about it I ACTUALLY don't believe this next one..

Apparently that cloth covered heirloom that can be passed down through the generations has sold out according to the Panty Mantis' blog. How absolutely devasting! I'm one of the unlucky hundreds that didnt manage to get my order in ahead of the rush :(.

Putting professional rivalry aside for one moment (though probably not being able to quite put down the fat n jellus aspect - thats rather integral to me I'm afraid) she's sold out? How many copies did they get done ... 10? Or, and here's a really way out scenario, perhaps they havent actually sold out and are instead building a pre xmas buzz so that lots of poor impressionable young women wake up on xmas morning to find out that they are being faced with advice on how to pin positive words onto glasses of water, eat what their ancient ancestors ate and dream about actors!

Whatever the reality of the situation, this does give me the opportunity to fill the gap in the market with the first edition of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being fat and jellus, Volume I. Its not cloth covered and I doubt you'll want to pass it onto your children ( I think they'd have too much problems with Orlando all to themselves part to be honest) but it is available for purchase, I've signed it and it does have Dr. Bob!

To order : please email my sales team on orders@pleasureureself.ec.com.

Matching your diet to your fat cell type

Guten Morgen! For my first post as part of the Pleasure Ureself team, I vanted to concentrate on making sure that you are eating the right varieties of Lard for your fat cell type.

This is very important, Vithout this you vill not achieve your fat and jellus objectives.
For example I am Lard Cell Type 10. This means that I must concentrate on Lard with a 90% or more fat content. This is because my body vill not put on veight so effectively vith anything lower

If you are lard Cell type 5, this means that you are closer to your fat goal and need to ingest fat vith a much higher fat content! I'd recommend something vith a 95% plus pure fat component. Othervise you vill find that your veight gain plateaus and you vill not get any fatter.

The All Original Lard gel vill satisfy both of these fat Cell types and is available on mail order in both in full and travel sizes.

Over the next few veeks I vill give you examples and links of products that have this high percentage of fat. Please purchase them for these specific sites othervise I vill not get the profits...

Until next time

Dr. Englebert Johann Bob

Editors comments: can I apologise to our German readers in advance for the gratuitous transliteration of Dr Bob's German accent - he gave me this over the telephone and I felt it was key to emphasising his words of wisdom)

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being fat and jellus

Yet again it seems I am missing a trick - apparently I should also be including wise words of wisdom from experts in the field. Our Panty Mantis has being doing just that with this guy. I havent quite managed to find such a quality expert with esteemed research credibility of such high quality as the mantis, but I did find this guy:



May I introduce Dr. Bob - I think his credentials on providing advice for the fat n jellus speak for themselves (you can read about them here)

I've invited Dr. Bob to share his expertise on the fat and jellus lifestyle in practice and I'm sure you will all find his contributions illuminating.

This does leave with a gap in expertise over the "wanting Orlando all to yourself" section though....

Sighs... you seem like the ideal candidate to me - are you available? I can have my people talk to your people if you are?

Hallelujah!

I was going to do this mornings post on Orlando's rumoured new project Effie (an Emma Thompson flick which sounds very ET, and OB's reportedly in it etc etc) and I was struggling with mustering enthusiasm for yet another project that he's rumoured to be filming that never sees the light of day..

But then news came through to me that for one SFD has purchaser of its rights (whatever that means...) but it looks as if it will at least get out onto DVD with a bit of luck! Orlando was also at a screening of it in LA last night.

Also it seems the Good Doctor will be played at Sundance next year - another one I'd be interested in seeing...... I find something rather fascinating about OB playing the bad guy!

Wow, what an incredibly unsnarky post for once - don't worry though, normal service will resume tomorrow!

Treashure Ureself

I don't know, I do an update on Pleasure Ureself and find that the Panty Mantis has to copy me and do herself an update on her Treashure Ureself blog....

This mornings offering involves more positive affirmations (hoorah I hear you all cry)

She took this affirmation:

“I release ill feelings toward others without seeking retribution”.

And gave us the benefit of her "take" on it:

“I am forgiveness and love, and I move forward knowing the past does not impact on me or my future. Every ill feeling I have had is removed and replaced by acceptance and love.”

Its funny ! I can read the words, I know what they should mean but all I can actually hear is

"yew are alle eville fat ande jellus cowz, butte eye have orlandoe alle to myselfe nowe, ande eye havve his balles inne mye klampah so eyeve wone and yew have loste"


But she does have a final bit of advice we can all apply:

Have fun being positive guys

OK so my "Take" on that is that I'm going to have a lot of fun being absolutely positive that I think she is a skanky panty model flogging her shite to an unsuspecting public, and by the way I'm also absolutely positive that Pleasure Ureself makes for a better read than her offering AND has a much dirtier title too...

See I can do affirmations when I try!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 6: A few practical aids

In the build up to my beautiful lard effect covered volume's release date (which I know you are all going to buy so that you and your families can Pleasure yourselves down the generations (hmm thats starting to sound rude....)) I have a few more practical aids for your consideration. In most cases these come into their own once you have put about 75% of your target weight on.

I Mentioned this yesterday but one of the best things you can do early on is to buy a stomach extender (such as our panty mantis was wearing yesterday in her "advert"). These are normally used by pregnant women to stop tummy droop as they get bigger but just think how well this adapts to the average fat n jellus cow. You will be piling on weight nice and fast thanks to my Lard diet and Ensurient Corpulence's All Original Lard Gel and weight put on fast tends to go to your tummy first before spreading out to a nice fat layer more evenly - you dont want a droopy tummy during this process now do you? Fat and Jellus is one thing, Fat and droopy is something COMPLETELY different, trust me!

The other thing I wanted to suggest for your consideration was a stair lift. Now I know that these are more normally used for the infirm (in fact my great auntie had one for a while) but they an also be a perfect addition to the house if you are fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself. You burn a lot of calories using stairs of any sort and there is no point in using up valuable fat if you dont have to.

One final thing: I need a model to model some of the Ensurient Corpulence range and associated products. Joders, Wanda! Are either of you game?

Our Mantis the Actress?

Well, Here is a good reason why whilst Orlando maybe able to break into the world of modelling, I very much doubt his "wife" is going to score her own blockbuster any time soon.

Being the magnanimous Hater that I am, I am going to start by giving props to her for doing it at all, there is no doubt its a serious issue that needs celebrity support (though I suspect that more of a celebrity might have had more of an impact.. but anyway)

I have one main suggestion though which I hope will be helpful to our aspiring mantis:
perhaps a bit less of an "all about me" style of delivery on something like this would be more appropriate in the future, an approach that demonstrates a more comprehensive understanding of the difference between modelling and acting?

Through most of that clip the mantis was pouting and looking like she was advertising stomach extenders (seriously useful if you are fat n jellus and dont want your stomach to drop - I'll get onto that later). I don't think I need to go into the rest of whats wrong with that do I? After all she has Orlando to help her on the delivery of words, though it is impressive that she's broken out of the more standard dingoese for this occasion!

For the record PM the above Photo of Orlando is the face you are trying to achieve when talking about serious illness and suffering, the pout doesn't work so well...

Speaking of which, thats the other shocking thing about this clip, the size of her stomach - is it me or has that baby (in her belly) had one hell of a growth spurt since we saw her being 'caught out' by her paps at LAX

Yes, I know (everyone join in!) FAT.... JELLUS..... ORLANDO ALL TO MYSELF!