The State of Orlando

More fashion commentary

2012-02-16T11:04:00.003Z

In all fairness, I dont think I can really direct this post at the PM - after all, she is a model - and modelling unfortunate outfits is part of the modus operandi.

ok so to the image

what a shame they missed out the leash in this design..

A tale in pictures

2012-02-07T14:36:00.007Z

Poor Panty Mantis, she seems to be in some difficulty... Im glad she had some help on hand!

Owe Deayre , Ey'me loosinge mye bikini

"Canne yew helpe mee?"

"NO? Ok howe aboute Yew? yes yew yew'll do"

"whayte is wronge withe these peeple?? ah! Yew are backe againe...Yesse Yesse thaytes itte, I knowe itss a smalle bikini butte itte doesnte belonge in tehyre"

"RIghyte backe to mye beste powse!"

ETA: Obviously Im fat, jellus and want Orlando all to myself (in case you were wondering!)

its getting worse

2012-01-27T13:28:00.002Z

Ok Ok Orlando - you have me - take the purple sweat pants off and *Maybe* we can revist the oversized phone....

Its catching!

2012-01-24T09:31:00.004Z

Its not just Orlando, Here's Lenny look like hes an extra on Phonejacker...

I don't know about you fellow fatties but I KNOW there is something wrong when the the Hoff is purported to have one too..

WTF?

2012-01-23T08:02:00.002Z

You've probably noticed that nowadays I keep my commentary on Orlando to a minimum on here. I figure he has more than enough to deal with having daily run-ins with the Panty Mantis without me adding to it.

However.... THIS I couldn't leave alone

Yes, your eyes arent decieving you, that is a nice discrete cutting edge mobile phone, designed for portability and convenience...... with a full on retro red handset attached !

Congratulations to the originator of that bright idea - so far its been about three days and Im still laughing my head off!

Ok Enough is enough!

2012-01-16T14:59:00.005Z

Im putting my foot down.

What IS going on with the Panty Mantis and her wardrobe?

Much as I can in no way be counted amongst her resident fan club, this number of fashion faux pas, all in quick succession, is surprising even for me....

I wont repeat the mistakes of last week but present you with two more exhibits for your entertainment:

Exhibit A:

Im a bit lost for words.... yet again this outfit seems to be in direct confrontation with itself and her, and the less said about the hairdo the better... has she really sacked the stylist after all?

Exhibit B:

HOLY SEQUINS BATMAN!

the hair is much better in this, though the cleavage seems to be fighting for survival, but the dress...... again Im at a loss..

(oh and PS Orlando, while we are here, outfit down to shoes: great - with shoes - not so much, perhaps its worth leaving the trainers at home at formal occasions in the future?)

Help me make sense of it all fellow fatties, wanting Orlando all to myself isnt enough of an explanation for so much sartorial torment.

Seriously?

2012-01-14T09:50:00.007Z

Now, I know the PM arent what you might call the best of friends, and its no secret that I dont hold her "casual" looks in high esteem.....

...but two public events in a row where it looks like her stylist is exacting her revenge...

Exhibit A: the tangerine sack that featured in yesterdays post

Exhibit B: (Im still not the stage where I can find appropriate words to describe my feelings on this)

That dress looks like its in a serious argument with itself..

Seriously PM, I know we dont get on great all the time, but I mean this from the bottom of my heart - SACK YOUR STYLIST NOW

Happy New Year!

2012-01-13T10:10:00.002Z

I hope your all your fat n jellus exploits resulted in obscene weight gain and a renewed love of all things lard?

The PM has also provided us with a new year treat:

Perhaps she should consider a new stylist to kick of 2012 with?

When the going gets tough...

2011-12-09T09:07:00.003Z

..... the tough get nekkid

or at least that seems to be our favourite panty mantis' answer to the sudden groundswell of the fat n jellus as yet another 'PM goes nekkid' photo shoot hits your screens.

Poor PM, she's going to need to employ a permanent nekkid photographer at this rate because its yet another day and it another fat n jellus person, intent on getting Orlando all to themselves AND completely missing the fact that shes "fiercely private" out there calling her a fame whore....

PM: for the next nekkid shot to counteract this, could you put a Xmas Hat on - we are firmly in the festive period afterall...

BTW the photo is of our Xmas get together this year, you can see that the lard-on is going well (and I thought the xmas horns were appropriate for me )

A fat n Jellus reading list

2011-12-05T11:04:00.004Z

Good news everyone, our numbers our expanding to include several well known publications. There are just too many gems here for the fat and jellus for me to to start quoting from the articles in question, but Id be failing in my duty not to post the links..

Panty Mantis: The Debate

178 Minutes with the Panty Mantis (sounds far too long to me but anyway...)

The Panty Mantis is Lying to us (no s**t sherlock)

These early Christmas Presents just keep on landing, don"t they....

An early christmas gift?

2011-11-28T13:41:00.003Z

Hear ye hear ye - all ye fat n jellus, salvation has arrived in the form of yet more wise words from the Panty Mantis.

No longer need you be sad and melancholic of your unworthyness. No longer need you cry into your family sized tubs of lard the PM has spoken words of comfort to us all!

In a recent interview she had reportedly said the following

"But now I always see myself as, like, equal to everyone."

OMG

Can it be true?

Is the fat and jellus crusade over as suddenly as it began? let me read on......

...... ah No - rightful order in the world is restored

"I can't feel bad about being who I am, just like the girl next to me can't feel bad about being who she is. Because a rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose."

that sounds like her version of "all men are equal, its just that some are more equal than others.."

Still, at least she wants us all to "embrace our own uniqueness"..... I guess thats back to the Lard and the specially adapted fridge then fatties !

What have we here?

2011-11-18T09:45:00.003Z

While I have definitely lost enthusiasm for all things Panty Mantis

(i.e. PM, you can stop emailing me - I don't care how 'seksy" you are, I know Im "jus jellus", I "totally" believe that you understand the difference between at teaspoon and a tablespoon (honestly I do) and I definitely haven't seen Orlando's balls anywhere)

I couldn't let this one past... what is she wearing above her eyes??? Im so confused I'll offer a prize of a tub of lard for the best answers.

Happy Belated Halloween Fatties

2011-11-01T12:42:00.002Z

I know you have all been very busy with you Lard parties (as have I of course). Interestingly the PM has also been focussing her efforts on halloween ..

....... funnily enough she dressed up as a praying mantis (in glittery panties) to shake things up a bit. Just a small word of advice though PM - perhaps you should diary check with your other VS models next year?

Holy Moly had this to say on the subject

"Generally New York fared much better than the west coast over the weekend (Paris Hilton as She-Ra - yuk), although Miranda Kerr's party, which she foolishly scheduled to run consecutively alongside Klum's, looked a bit flat, with the supermodel as circus ring leader (with an empty big top). "

Shame on you HM (and welcome to the ranks of the fat n jellus)

Dear God, please make this happen....

2011-10-10T11:39:00.003+01:00

"The Victoria's Secret model also revealed she would consider following in the footsteps of her husband Orlando, 34, and try her hand at acting.
She said: "If someone approached me and it sounded interesting, I wouldn't be opposed to it, but it's not something I think about."

No, dont worry, I havent changed my mind about our dear panty mantis....

Just think of the opportunities for laughter she would give, even more so if it was something serious and grim, but Im sure that she'll be handing out the giggles whatever the script....

I think that would become a fat n jellus best seller!

Privacy Personified

2011-09-08T15:10:00.003+01:00

I have to say Im almost feeling sorry for the Panty Mantis, the regularity with which her privacy gets invaded enjoying some quiet time with her son is so frequent its Obscene!

So you can imagine my horror to see those evul buggers at Now magazine have managed to get yet another shot of her and invaded her privacy once again... poor girl, if only they would all leave her alone....

Still she can take heart, look at all those other Celeb mums who are also suffering the same torture.....

PS Panty Mantis, if you need me to slowly go through the difference between a tablespoon and a teaspoon, I know we've had our differences, but Im here for you!

Things that make you smile

2011-08-26T10:28:00.003+01:00

Obviously only if you are a fat and jelluz cow... but as I so definitely am, It made me smile to see how that the Panty Mantis is back to looking so beeautifulle and seksy in Wellington....

Date Night!

2011-08-12T07:48:00.004+01:00

You will notice Ive maintained a discrete silence as photos of the Panty Mantis and Flynkerr abound over the net. But these photos are deserve a brief mention I feel (from her apparently romantic "date" night)

During Dinner the PM takes an important phone call and strategically provides a visual demonstration of the challenge of stringing a coherent sentence together:

When it comes to bill time she reinforces; rightly deciding that pulling a face that says " I couldnt even read the bill if you gave it to me, never mind pay it" will pull her neatly out of the driving seat:

Well played PM, If only i was even the tiniest bit convinced this was all an act and not just your natural facial expressions when presented with the challenges of everyday life.....

"Im on a Horse!"

2011-08-01T06:10:00.005+01:00

Look at the sheer genius of this particular pose - what on earth is the panty mantis trying to achieve with this one? Has someone suggested that she and the horse have a chocolate star fish revealing competition? has the director of the shoot put "club tropicana" in an attempt to get the PM moving naturally for once?

I think that one beats the hooved shot from my last post..

News? well as you can imagine the Panty Mantis' triumphant return is being documented in minute detail to her enthralled public: From being mobbed at the air port (yeah ... i know) to an exclusive interview in her sydney home - its all there fatties for your reading and viewing pleasure...

The exclusive interview was particularly fine in my view, not only did the PM apparently cook dinner (and eat it all) for the lucky journalist, she didnt miss the opportunity to pimp Whora as the answer to stretch marks.... well that and apparently good genes....

Ive got a much simpler solution for you PM - if you're a fat n jellus person - you're so fat no-body notices any stretch marks you might get, they simply disappear under the corpulent mass that is your body...

The hallowed day

2011-07-28T08:49:00.002+01:00

yes yes fatties, its arrived!

The Panty Mantis is back in Oz, all those weeks of reliving the last 4 years of her life over and over and over again to pump up the buzz is finally over and the "the most gawguss supamodel in the land" is back on home ground.

Ok so thats the hot news.. now onto more practical matters...

please can someone explain this as a modelling pose:

I keep looking at while Im eating my tub of lard and just not getting it... Its probably because Im fat n jellus and not lyving the lyfe but I suspect there is an outside chance THIS is not something any other model thinks of as a good plan in front of a camera....

But its good to see the cloven hooves are back again :)

Over-enthusiastic

2011-07-18T16:24:00.002+01:00

and there was I quietly worrying that my enthusiasm for snarking (particularly, of course, the panty mantis) was a little OTT

(as with my love of lard , all things fat, specially adapted household furniture, being jellus etc etc but you know that)

well, fellow fatties, panic not! This below is the definition of over-enthusiasm on a particular subject

there - do you all feel relieved?

in other hideously boring news, the PM is resharing the tales of her 27 Year labour, the fact that she didnt really want Orlando anyway and her white ball of light to anyone that will listen...

I do love it when she goes home.......

PAIN!

2011-07-11T13:18:00.004+01:00

You see, THIS is what happens to a person when they choose to let one of the hallowed interviews from the Panty Mantis pass them by...

she releases two in one day!

ok ok , i submit Panty Mantis, there is only so much a (non-super) woman can take...

So, to the second offering of today, courtesy of the Daily Mail:

According to them the Panty Mantis found the birth of Flynkerr so painful she had an out of body experience....... its funny I thought they more normally referred to that as anaesthetic.....

Ooooh yes! silly me! I keep forgetting the poor stick insect gave birth 100% naturally, with no drugs whatsoever and only her husband peeing in a bottle for solace as opposed to taking what seems the more obvious choice.... a C section!

Now can someone please tell me WHY WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS..... please....

A Groovy Mantis?

2011-07-10T08:24:00.004+01:00

I think the build up to the Heralded visit back home for the Panty Mantis has started - a new day is starting to mean a new, and equally inane, article about her lyving the lyfe!

This mornings offering comes courtesy of the Brisbane Times. Again you'll see she was prepared to consider staying fat n jellus but she lost the weight using Cardio (hence all those gym shots recently), yoga, and something Orlando owns that she can swim against - the last vestiges of his freedom? is imprisoned manglobes perhaps?

Its good to hear that today, after eating fries yesterday, she tackled a fried chicken today - though to be honest PM you kinda need to be eating the fries, the fried chicken and ten tubs of Original Lard Gel daily to make an impact.

Im a little lost that she chants "'I am a healthy, vibrant being of love and light" every morning - I thought that was her dog? perhaps they have united into one vibrant ball of light together?

Anyone want to put a guess on exactly how many of these breastfeeding interviews we're going to get before she arrives to tumultuous applause back home? - my guess is many!

Red hot Panty Mantis

2011-07-09T09:18:00.004+01:00

What a treat! The Panty Mantis has decided to share with us the details of her so private and perfect lyfe, I was truly excited when i got shown the link by one of the fat n jellus girls from Delphi :)

Whilst Im sure there is absolutely no connection, its lovely to see that the questions on the minds of the interviewers at Perth Now! seem to be troubled by exactly the same issues that have been haunting us fat n jellus ones, making us cry into our lard pots and sink lower into our oversized chairs.. shall we take a look at a few highlights?:

"After a few more shots, she takes the opportunity to feed Flynn again, while also feeding herself a plate of salmon and spinach, and a side of fries. "I need the carbs," she says."

excellent, I dont know about you but extremely glad to see that although she may yet again resemble a walking stick insect, she hasnt totally lost her fat n jellus leanings! keep up with that Panty Mantis and one fine day we may be able to welcome you back to the fold.

"When I was pregnant, I thought, 'It doesn't matter if I get a stretch mark or if my body doesn't come back'," she says. "During the birth process, I gave everything over to him, and let go of any attachment I had to myself. I wanted him to be healthy and it didn't matter what happened to me. "

Well if I was a cynical fat n jellus cow my eyebrow would be raising rather high at this one, but obviously, having experienced the true freedom that comes with being fat n jellus, the ability to eat as much lard as you like etc - I am sure shes being absolutely truthful - after all, whats not to like about being fat, puffy and jellus.

""If you're comfortable in your own skin, you allow others to be comfortable in theirs. Don't compare yourself to someone else. "

ahhhh sorry panty mantis, its just that you're lyfe is so perfect and you have orlando all to ureself, its hard not to draw some comparisons

now, bring on the royal polo match - nothing will make my day more than seeing classy and arsy in the same shot!

(yes yes, I know - no lyfe of my own, fat n jellus etc etc etc)

Flogging a Dead Horse

2011-07-04T13:35:00.005+01:00

ok So I think the majority of answers I got were the right way round for my spot the difference competition...

As a post script, definately at the risk of being accused of flogging a dead horse, and to prove that cut- out dresses can still look both revealing and classy: Ms Moss again modelling a rather fetching number, Im not entirely keen on the hair it has to be said but still..

I wont put the "how not to" example up again, if you're anything like me, the less you have to look at the Panty Mantis the better...

Spot the Difference..

2011-07-01T09:11:00.005+01:00

Combining my girl crush on Kate Middleton and Fat n Jellus tendencies where the Panty Mantis is concerned is actually working out rather well, you'll be pleased to hear!

Take these two photos for example and these captions below and tell me which you think goes with which??

Caption 1: A sophisticated and fresh look for an evening event
Caption 2: A decidedly unsophisticated look for an evening event (plus I think that shes chewed off half the dress in frustration!)

Image A:

Image B:

Answers on a post card please!

Wedding dress

2011-06-30T14:44:00.004+01:00

Obviously I didn't mean that the Panty Mantis had finally completed the paperwork to initiate the exhaustive search for her wedding dress. As far as I know she's still in the process of borrowing the family brain to assist her in getting her round the fact that moaning on twitter alone doesn't galvanize the average corporate bureaucracy!

Instead its another unrelated post and how fab is this! Westwood modelled by Moss! Actually its not entirely unrelated, I thought since the PM is having SUCH difficulty locating her dress, she might appreciate a little visual encouragement to track hers down... Wanda, Joders, I think Im right in saying that you are both still extremely keen on getting you're carefully chosen bridesmaids dresses out if the opportunity arises!

Fabulous!

2011-06-29T09:46:00.007+01:00

Nothing to do with the Panty Mantis and her lyfe and I'm not really a royalist either, but how fabulous does Kate M look in this...

you see Panty Mantis, THIS is how you master looking sophisticated and cool in the glare of media spotlight... ah yes, of course there is a small difference - I doubt Kate has to call hers up, but still you get the idea?.... GOOD!

Now I can go back to the girl crush Im forming on the lovely Kate

Annnnd Im Back!

2011-06-28T11:13:00.005+01:00

There is a good reason for my long absence from this Blog - honestly..... Just give me a chance to explain...

Well, in fact its quite simple - while The Panty mantis briefly joined the community of the fat n jellus, I felt it only fair in the spirit of sisterhood to leave her be for a bit, allow her to enjoy her oversized chair, her enormous fridge and all the other benefits of being one of the chosen few...

Now she has returned to resembling a stick insect (see above) ive ejected her forthwith from the sisterhood (anyone resembling a cross between a stick insect and a xylophone does NOT qualify for the esteemed ranks for the Fat n Jellus) and decided to start a few posts again...

after all, now shes back lyving the lyfe again - things can only get funnier surely....

So, my dear Panty Mantis, please feel free to get back in touch - Ive galvanised my girls (wanda, Joders - you game, Im not sure whether your bridesmaid duties will be required, apparently the PM has still not managed to locate her wedding dress for her anniversary but its always best to be prepared) and im extremely keen to hear how being the mother earth mantis is suiting you!

perhaps we can even be friends? now you have some comprehension of what being Fat n Jellus means, though admittedly even at your biggest, there is no way you could rival the core posse!

Writers Block

2011-02-16T12:50:00.003Z

OK Im going to say what must be apparent to anyone that regularly reads here - Im suffering with a bad case of writers block! Ever since I had the notion that to continue to report on someone being so incredibly stupid was not only tiresome but also perhaps in itself could be classed as stupid Ive been failing to see the wit...

The idea the panty mantis is thicker than a redwoods trunk isnt exactly news any more....

Of course she continues to deliver such gems via twitter and facebook to her ~~random online people~~ close online friends such as the naming of poor flinker after her dead ex boyfriend (Orlando evidently either has returned his man globes to the clamper, is extremely understanding or doesnt give a shit what she does). She privately continues to deliver to her avid readership intricate details of her daily routine AND of course we have had the first post flinker shots of her with her boobs swinging round her navel (Bras are a fabulous invention Panty Mantis, particularly when you actually have breasts). All in all its much of the same.

The other dynamic of course is the horrifying prospect that, despite my best efforts, I've inadvertently developed a life. No amount of consumption of Lard has managed to effect this so far - but dont worry i will keep fighting the good fight.

So what was I saying here? Ah yes, posts will be a little more spaced out for the moment until a) I regain interest or b) Orlando ceases to be ritually tortured by his mantis....

Ask Men

2011-02-13T07:30:00.002Z

Well i rolled around on the floor with laughter at the this next one. Whatever its other faults you have to hand it to the Panty Mantis' blog - its an absolute master of spinning sh*t!

It reports proudly here that our very own favourite Mantis came number 5 in the "Ask Men" Australia poll.. What I'm most amused by is the fact that they are surprised by the outcome. I cant think of many other Australians out there at the moment (if you can call what the mantis has been doing being "out there") who take their clothes off as much as she does, provide regular updates on how their boobies are looking and spend as much time chatting to ~~random people online~~ close online friends as she does.

More exciting perhaps would have been an announcement that the Panty Mantis wasnt listed in the Ask Men Poll because she'd actually spent the previous year keeping her private parts under wraps... yes i know, Hell will freeze over first! But still, THAT would be worth reporting!

I think its more of a wonder that she didnt come first... though actually looking at number 4 - whose photo consists of a pair of well developed boobies covered in a couple of feathers - it does rather make sense...

Never mind Mantis - perhaps if you work the feathery booby vibe next year - you could come fourth too.

Uniglo round 2

2011-02-13T07:26:00.002Z

Obviously even Uniglo have realised an "Ive been tangoed approach" is not the best look for a winter campaign - here is one of the latest shots of Orlando doing the modelling thing. At least he's less Orange this time - though I'm personally not convinced by what he's selling (particularly that first look), hes doing a good job modelling!

Party Time

2011-02-09T09:13:00.003Z

I really wasnt going to do an update - my creative streak seems to have a bad case of bordom with our favourite couple - but with set upon set of Orlando out partying minus his pet Mantis all over the place, the temptation was too much...

He's been at a variety of different parties over the last few days, all without the Mantis and all where he looks like he's enjoying himself - here's hoping this is the new way forward....

The Panty Mantis meanwhile has "privately" been sharing the details of her private life with ~~random online people~~ her closest friends. ONe of the more amusing ones for me had to be her saying she had to go because "we" were are all sitting down to dinner... I wonder if she was using the royal 'we' - because Orlando was out for the evening and I'm imagining Flinker is a little young to be sitting up and enjoying a four course meal with his Mantis mummy....

and if you really want laugh (and this is cruel, even for me) check out the David Jones winter catalogue here but I warn you - this is not for the faint hearted (and I imagine provides the explanation for the lack of post baby shots of the PM....

Legs Eleven..

2011-02-04T09:52:00.004Z

Now, I'm know i'm slightly late on this one ( I seem to have grown a life momentarily - an absolute no no for the fat'n'jellus, but Wanda and Joders are working this through with me as we speak) - but I thought you'd all like to know that Orlandos practice runs at escaping from the Panty Mantis are going well... Here he is practicing a quick exit on his Ducati .... The only thing I'd say is that perhaps he needs to get a less flashy bike, Even the Panty Mantis is sure to realise its him....

Specul measures

2011-02-01T10:16:00.004Z

I was contemplating a post this morning, but was slightly lacking in material, so I thought I wouldnt bother.... until, that is, I thought i'd just give that mine of information (Other wise known as the Panty Mantis' blog) a look for inspiration..

lets just say she didnt dissapoint (thanks PM)

I think i'm actually spoilt for choice... But I'm going to pick her salient advice on how to avoid stretch marks (I thought mantis women didnt get them genetically, but anyway)

are you ready.... because this is truly special - and there is NO WAY I would of thought of this first stage ...

Step one: After showering – towel dry

Wow....... Im just so enlightened by that edifying comment

I'll let that gem sink in .... ok?

right!

Step two: Dry body brush after each shower (if you dry body brush AFTER the shower, your body will be clean and fresh), use the towel to remove any skin remaining after brushing

what? no miracle cream by Kora....

Step three: Apply KORA Organics Enriched Body Lotion to soften, moisturise, protect and nourish the skin. Over your entire body paying particular attention to your stomach, breasts, thighs and buttocks.

PHEW - i was getting worried

I think she's missing step four out though... allow me :

Step Four: MAke sure your breasts thighs and buttocks are in full camera shot of your favourite photographer, post it on the net and allow the world to privately see your privates , all in the name of health and beauty...

I cant' believe she left step four out...... still I guess that last one must be like a reflex to her by now, and it didnt cross her mind to note it down!

A Fat'n'Jellus Pop Video

2011-01-29T05:56:00.003Z

Really really exciting news this morning - Now, I hope you will forgive me for keeping this one hush hush, but all of us fat'n'jellus ones that were involved had to sign disclosure contracts and I've not been able to share this one with you till now..

A select few of the fattest and most jellus people from amongst our numbers were contacted by Mika's management to take part in his video of Big Girl (You are beautiful)! and *drum Roll* here it is...

I'm the one in the pink - ladies - identify yourselves and take your bow!

(And thanks to J for the suggestion!)

And now for something completely different.

2011-01-28T14:19:00.001Z

Nothing to do with either of our favourite couple, but it made me laugh.... a lot!

A Model Life

2011-01-28T06:24:00.002Z

Relax! As If I'd post pictures of the Panty Mantis here!! Besides, she's too busy a) writing her contribution to the first chapter of Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Household Management and b) doing the ground work for the coveted Rainbows and Butterflies Mother of the Year award...

No, this is OB - rumour has it its for Uniglo... If so I'm extremely happy to see they have a winter version of the their fake tan range that makes users look a lot less orange....

I'm slightly concerned about the return of the tash though - Both in "In Celebration" and in "Main Street" I never was convinced that was a good look for him......

A New Proposal...

2011-01-26T06:38:00.004Z

I had a bit of time so I thought Id trawl around for something mildly entertaining to make the corner stone of a post....

I had a look at the latest shots of OB (on a bike.... surpringly) talking to a guy in a SUV - but ended up concluding that there are two many posts about OB on a bike in the world already without me adding to them...

I bravely ventured over to Mantis Central to find some inspiration and although there was plenty of material there (lets face it, whenever she opens her mouth she seems to manage to fuel the sarcastic subculture thats grown up around her) but still nothing made me think ah ha! (I even ignored the statement by mummy mantis that her daughter is the most natural creature in the world!)

Just as I was giving up, I checked my email and what did I see?

"HIghe slapperr!,
eye knowe we haventte seene aie to aie butte eye desper..dezper....umme eye neede youre helpe! thinges arre goinge verry wronge! Eye thoughte whenne eye hadde babeye Finne thayte eyede bee the moste lovede (ande moste gawguss supamodelle )inne the lande withe cutte lyttle babey as the besteste acessorrie, butte eye nowe see thayte Orlandoe hasse stoleene mye idear.

The photoes offe mee ahvve beene takenne ovah bye thosee onnes thayt orlandoe hadde donee withe mye mum, everyeonne isse nowe sayinge that he is cutte withe finne ande ignoringe me! Eye cannte take itte - iffe eye Takke alle mye clothese offe (asse I ususalley woulde do ) people saye thayte ittes notte seksy! whatte du theye meane - NOTTE SEKSY!!!

ORlandoe thynkes thisse iss verye funnie annde hese notte even respondinge too the balle clamper anie more....

evenne yew fatte and jellus cowz lyked himme with Finne! Eye donte thynke anyonne cares aboutte me anie more :( thys wassnt howwe eye plannede itte!

Yew muste bee wonderinge howe yew canne helpe? welle, eye seeyew arre planninge to wryte a new booke and eye amme gener.... gener... fuk.... offeringe to wryte somme bittes for yew - obviouslie peoplee wonte lyke yourre bits, butte eyem feelinge lonlie and eye thynke itte woulde be goode to do thisse rightte nowe. (Plusse eye dontee see either finne or ORlandoe unless nappyies needed changinge or eye neede to gette mye boobies outte)

I knoew yew muste be overcomme with joye atte readinge this, so eye'll givee yew somme timme to calme downe beforre wee starte!

Lvoeee Pantty mantiz XXX

So what do you reckon ye Fat n Jellus? - I reckon this one has got to be some sort of goer - just the opportunity alone to hear the PM's suggestions for household management seem worth it to me on their own... and of course I will make sure I keep the final editorial rights!

Awwww!

2011-01-24T06:20:00.002Z

I really dont agree with little babies getting papped - I cant believe something this young would be hunting out a public profile if it was able to let its parents know what it wants.. but I couldnt quite resist this!

but look at that smile!

Eau de Bloom

2011-01-22T08:09:00.003Z

I really wasnt going to post up an offering today - I've successfully managed to tune out the endless witterings of the Panty Mantis to little more than the annoying whine of a very small mosquito - but then I came across this.....

It was an article in a beauty magazine about Orlando's decision to become the face of Boss Orange - I wont take you through the entire interview its posted herebut a few points within it made me giggle.....

“Because that’s the way I am,” said Bloom. “I don’t spend a lot of time froufrou-ing myself.”

In fact, until his wife, Miranda Kerr, began her Kora organic skin care line, Bloom used only a body cream and admitted, “I used it everywhere.”

Oh dear Orlando, he's said that in the open, the PM's so going to read this and punish him for not making it clearer that while he might of "used" to be a non-Froufrou boy, he should of said that he has access to the bestte skyne cayre linne inne the worde eva, and that he spends 99% of his day applying face creams, eye creams and body cream everywhere...

I hope he doesnt suffer too much for that one! A little later on he says this:

So now that he’s been initiated into the world of scent, would Bloom consider doing a signature fragrance line?

“It hasn’t really crossed my mind,” he said, adding: “Never say never to anything, you know.”

Eau de Bloom........ I'm really not quite sure what to make of that....

Fat'n'Jellus..... Over to you!

Caption this...

2011-01-21T06:47:00.003Z

A hidden blessing

2011-01-20T12:34:00.004Z

Ok so now the shock of the new baby finally being named has subsided (and the shock of reading yet again that the Panty Mantis went through a natural birth, all 27 hours of it, with an enormous baby (who is, I'll admit, exceedingly cute)) I feel able to give some more consideration to the name itself. I've also managed to get over the Metro claiming that the Panty Mantis has managed to spark debate with her booby shot - actually no i've not quite managed that yet, the idea of the PM even sparking a match seems highly unlikely, but I'm working on it!

So, Lets give a moments though to how the name sounds shall we?

Flynn

Flynn Kerr-Bloom

Said fast that sounds a bit like Flinkerbloom, or Flinker for short....

Still, I guess we can all be thoroughly grateful that the first name "Wan" was off the menu for the Panty Mantis...

P.S I think I should also say at this stage, that though we have covered the birth and naming of little Flinker here on TSO, I'm not proposing to focus on the little chap after this post - he deserves as much lack of media coverage as he can get, and I'm not going to add to his burdens in life...

Orlando or No?

2011-01-20T12:25:00.002Z

Well, what do you think fellow Fat'n'Jellus people?

Is this Orlando out on the Razzle or his stunt double having a beer? I can't quite work it out....

In like Flynn!

2011-01-19T08:52:00.002Z

So the queen of privacy and secrecy has final named her baby and kindly posted a picture of her boobs (and baby bloom) on the internet. In a carefully timed and released "candid" (and I when I mean candid, I mean the type of candid that has a team of make-up artists and a lighting team standing close by) the Panty mantis privately shares the details of the second coming.

Funnily enough our Panty Mantis is still flogging the idea that she gave birth naturally (obviously she hasnt read the large number of comments about her nether regions that followed on from that particular statement).

She's also called the baby Flynn....... Flynn Kerr-Bloom ! Poor little mite, not only does it have the PM for a mother, it has a name that sounds akin to a mild explosion!

Baby Bloom (no, sorry, I cant call it Flynn right now) is a little cutie by the looks of it though - here's to it looking like its father!

p.s. Being the fat'n'jellus hater that I am, I took as much out of the mantis as I could. Research has shown that viewing the PM's face for any length of time can cause rapid weight loss and I didnt want to inflict that on TSO's readership!

Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern Household Management

2011-01-17T05:25:00.004Z

How exciting, following on from the Shotgun: A Practical Guide to Weddings and of course my seminal publication Pleasure Urself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus I have now decided to grace your bookshelves with a third Book!

I realise the market for this one may be slightly smaller than the first two (you rather need to have either a wife , a baby or preferably both) but no matter! May I proudly introduce .....

Fat and'Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern household management

Its going to be kinda like the book Mrs Beeton wrote, with less emphasis on cookery and more emphasis on avoiding your inlaws and approaching motherhood from a fat'n'jellus angle!

I'm hoping that not only will you all find it helpful in your fat'n'jellus lives but it might also be of some assistance to Orlando. Judging by the latest set ups we've been graced with, he could do with some advice.

(The photo is a shot Orlando kindly posed for me on escape methods to be used on your inlaws.... though personally I think he could do with some more help - the bike idea was a good one, i dont know many MILs that would agree to a trip on a bike, but he underestimated Mama Mantis' drive to get in the press)

In the true spirit of a self help guide, it will of course be full of suggestions for products from the Ensurient Corpulence Range to compliment the theory, and I am also enlisting Wanda and Joders (as two of the fattest and most jellus people in the world ever (along with me obviously)) to help me both model the products and help me develop its own blog and facebook page, all the better for me to communicate with ~~random online people~~ close online friends and supporters.

Are you excited??
I know I am!

The Mantis Makes Contact

2011-01-15T07:43:00.005Z

Finally - the week or so of silence on the Panty Mantis' side (apart from the odd offering to ~~random people online~~ close online friends) she has finally spoken - and TSO has an exclusive interview with the PM about the birth:

S: Thanks very much for agreeing to answer some questions for TSO
PM: Thayts allryghte, nowe eye havve hadde the moste stunninge birthe in the worlde eva, eye thoughte eye shoulde comme and calle a truse withe yew fatte cowze

S: err ok, thanks! So tell us a bit more about the birth, we are all dying to know the details
PM: Welle itte woze amiazinge, i lookedde stunninge throughte, theyre were butteflyies and rainbowse ande Orlandoe sange badde romance to mee to stoppe mee gettinge board.

S; it sounds wonderful, so ORlando was with you for the birth?
PM: Haw haw haw, offe course! Eye gotte mye hole familie inne to holde himme downe juste in case Eye couldnt keepe holde of the ball klamper myeselfe - butte i needente of worriede! he satte there withe hiss heade in his handes throughe moste of itte, cryinge and rockinge.... I thinke he was juste overcomme withe emotionn!

S: ok, sound like he was really pleased to be at your side?????
PM: yesse, aparete from the cryinge and wailinge offe "Why ME!" butte eye thinke alle new dads doo thayte!

S: I understand you gave birth to a 10lb baby without the use of any drugs what so ever? Thats amazing on someone quite so slight, what was that like?
PM: Itte was lyke Mye whyte balle of lighte hadde saide - a seconde cominge... eye didnte even breake into a sweate.

S; There are vicious rumours circulating that you had a c-section, what would you say to people who think that?
PM: YEw are fatte jeluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe alle to yourselves...

S; even the guys??
PM: yesse, the guys are gay fatte jelluz cowz thate wante ORlandoe all to themselves...

S: i can see we arent going to get any further with this question! so how is your new family doing now?
PM: Eyem greate butte Orlandoe is stille actinge oldlie.... eye was hopinge you mighte be able to helpe aktuallie... eye wante to calle the babbie Bruce butte dispite increasinge the balle klampah - he's stille notte agreinge to it... any idease?

S: perhaps if you speak to him non stop for an hour, his ear drums will have been sufficiently tortured by the sound of your voice to agree to anything
PM: Whaytte dide yew saye, whats wronge with mye voice, its stunninge

S: right right, sorry!
PM: Eye see whate is hapenninge here, yew are fatte and jelluz too

S: well yes, that is kind of our strapline at TSO

I had to end the interview at that point - she called in Brother and MOther mantis and i thought discretion was the best part of valour - but I thought i'd share what i did manage to transcribe!

Happy Birthday Orlando

2011-01-14T06:44:00.004Z

I seem to be late at the moment with all my seasonal and personal greetings - but they late is better than never...

So...

Happy Birthday Orlando

And if I may a small birthday wish..

avoid calling your child either Bruce or Lachlan if you can (we all know what the PM is capable of) - I know both are aussie and I've heard from your "wife" that the baby is all aussie despite its Brit genetics , but neither suit the surname Bloom!

Its good to laugh!

2011-01-12T06:24:00.005Z

And I promise you this will do it for you!

Fresh out of hospital and straight back talking to ~~random online people~~ close friends about the second coming, our Panty mantis had this to say about giving birth to a 10lb baby...

Just gorgeous, thanks so much hon. I did natural birth too, no drugs or pain killers!!! Love Miranda xxx

Much as I obviously believe every word that comes out of her mouth, I'm having the greatest difficulty getting my head round a Mantis of her build pushing out 10lb's worth of baby with nothing. From what I've seen of the birthing process, its the most painful experience known to man so I need to get some understand of our Mantis' description of this auspicious event..

To me this all hangs on what one classes as natural. One could argue that Gas and Air is natural, I suspect that the Mantis probably counts an epidurals as natural, and of course a C-section could count as completely natural (providing you discount the anaesthetic). Whatever the truth of the matter is (and I doubt we'll ever find out) one things for sure, if she's gone for a "natural" delivery of an extremely large child -

Of course there's one completely natural side effect of delivering a child of that size via natures way..... but I won't even type that here......

An Orlando Break

2011-01-11T06:35:00.005Z

To help you all through this difficult time (I'm assuming that the tension as we wait for an official announcement is effecting you as much as its effecting me) Orlando's new Boss video has come out to provide us Jellus ones with small consolation while we stuff our faces..

Cute huh!

In other news it appears we have a new celebrity amount Orlando's inlaws - despite news of someone or other getting a haircut beating the news of the new arrival on most celeb gossip sites (odd but true!) it seems Matty is the latest of the Mantis clan to be hounded by evil paparazzi 24/7 as he was "caught" by paparazzi "stalking" him (and i use both terms in it traditional meaning for the Panty Mantis) as he was caught with Brent Wood trying to Channel Orlando...

All I can say is I hope he gives it up soon - sunglasses and a pair of tight jeans do not equal looking like the man that played Legolas....

Remember the wedding plans?

2011-01-09T09:05:00.004Z

It seems that even the major of gunnedah has heard been brought glad tidings of great joy about his new Australian son (the fact its actually half british by birth and in fact probably also american seems to have passed a lot of reports about this happy event by)

My first reaction was "isnt that nice" (honestly it was!) and then i suddenly saw through the Mayor of Gunnedah's evul scheme....

I realised that having had his chance to hold the wedding of the year cut off at the knees already the speed of gestation of Baby Bloom, he's making another bid to whip out the Brass Band, call a public holiday and get some use out of Gunnedah village hall for the Christening of the new arrival... its the only explanation for why the Mayor is happily commenting away here before any one else has (apart from Russell James of course - but he probably feels entitled having shot the Panty Mantis' a**ehole and circulated it round the globe).

Mayor of Gunnedah, I truly hope you get this gig - I think they owe you! After all your kind promises of a national gunnedah holiday, brass band and bunting for the wedding, its seems only fair that you use it to celebrate the birth of the new arrival.

(and I know we've had our differences Panty Mantis' but you know I'll help with the planning and I'm sure I can convince Wanda and Joders to be part of the proceedings too - they still have their lovely bridesmaid outfits ready and waiting)

Still holding onto our seats...

2011-01-08T08:11:00.004Z

Ok, So the second coming is starting to become as protracted, confusing and ill matching as their wedding was... kind of apt I guess..

Since yesterday X17 (thanks Mystic) reported that one of their reporters in the hospital (?!?) overheard that it was a Baby Bloom not a Mini Mantis but still no official confirmation that either the blessed day has arrived or what sex the blessing is...

If i was a crueler person, I'd say we are experiencing PR milking of said blessed event, but I'm Fat and Jellus not cruel so I cant say that....

If indeed a baby bloom (or mini mantis) has arrived onto planet earth, I fervently wish that Orlando does everything he possible can to keep that baby away from the kind of life its mother enjoys. It does not need a public profile, it does not need a publicity agent and it does not need a 4 page spread in people magazine..

I'm probably being a bit hopeful though, considering the Mantis' electronic Ball Klamper...... Hes not done a great job of resisting that so far..

Hold on to your seats everyone!

2011-01-07T09:19:00.003Z

No no, the Panty Mantis still hasnt said anything interesting, but rumours are circulating that the second coming has finally arrived!

Halluljah I hear you all cry!

Word is that its a girl but of course no official confirmation yet - after all why end the speculation when there is good PR mileage to be made of the blessed event...

In all seriousness though I wish the new nipper well - its not the kids fault that the Panty Mantis is its mother and in honour of its likely/imminent birth I wont sit down and work out when it must of been conceived, I'm sure someone else will do the Maths....

and of course congratulations to Orlando - whatever the facts of the matter, I'm sure he'll make a fabulous Dad!

yes yes, I know! Fat... Jellus.... Orlando to myself...

The Second Coming

2011-01-06T10:07:00.003Z

I don't know about you but in addition to stuffing my face to make up for the momentary slippage on calorie intake over Christmas I am also waiting with baited breath for the little one (in our Panty Mantis' Belly) to make its entry into the world....

There seems to be ongoing confusion over the due date though, the only solution I can see is to sit tight next to your computer, set up your RSS feed to update from the Panty Mantis' facebook (after all, she's sure to give a blow by blow account on there to ~~random people~~ close online friends....

Poor kid - its already over-hyped before its even made it into the world.... I don't rate its mother much but I have hopes its Dad will work out ok!

New Year New You!

2011-01-04T15:02:00.003Z

How fitting that my 300th post on here should be a valuable entry on ways in which to survive post Christmas Diet season...

Obviously as a truly committed fat and jellus person you will already be strenuously ignoring the often well meant advice in many of the glossies about loosing weight - obviously it doesnt apply to you!

You are right of course but actually a little known fact is that most fatties need to do the fat equivalent of a post Christmas anti Diet.... You may think that because you ate your body weight in mince pies and other festive treats you are not in danger of jeopardizing your progress through the year - You are probably WRONG!

Think about - you may have eaten all your Christmas treats, but have you truly kept up your lard intake? Orders at Ensurient Corpulence for the festive period tell me otherwise..

so to get you back on track, we're offering you a BOGOF offer our all original lard gel - buy one case and we will deliver you an additional case absolutely free.

if you are a UK lard user, for a limited time only we will also cover the VAT increase!

Go on fatties - make 2011 your fattest EVER year!

Happy New Year Fatties!

2010-12-31T08:35:00.003Z

May 2011 be on that is full of tubs of lard, endless gorging and significant weight gain (I'll be giving some advice on how to survive the january diet season in the next post).

May you develop your jealousy of those who are lyving the lyfe more effectively and feel green with envy more frequently

And may you intensive your overwhelming desires to have Orlando all to yourselves!

Happy new year fatties and may you enjoy this evening, wedged in your favourite chair in your specially adapted kitchen, all on your own, stuffing your face!

To pap or not to Pap

2010-12-29T09:48:00.004Z

It seems to me that if you dont want the paparazzi around you - its probably not the best idea in the world to have them on one of your speeddial numbers on your "wifes" phone...

sadly it seems Orlando has missed that trick and had to resort to approach 2: having a strop and grabbing the camera off the unlucky pap.....

They seemed to have made up (OB and the Paps) later on though - as he was "caught" out on a cycling trip with a couple of friends courtesy of JJ

Who said damage control was history!

Goodbye 2010 (PM Style...)

2010-12-28T08:36:00.004Z

I was feeling a bit of the post Christmas Blues so I thought I'd mosey on over to Panty Mantis Central to see if she had anything that would cheer me up...and she did - a special Farewell 2010 post! Lets have a look shall we?

Apart from being full of the normal PM rubbish... it ended up with a serious of... you've guessed it... positive affirmations. I thought it would be a good idea to translate them into Fat'n'Jellus...

May you take from 2010 whatever has served you. (ok PM, we'll take your offerings for 2010 - they've "served" us extremely well in the humour stakes)

May you leave in the past anything that has not served you or will not serve you in the future. (to be fair i'm less sure on this one - Im not a person who turns down a good laugh when it comes along)

May you find peace, acceptance and happiness in “being” you. (Totally down with this one - I'm peaceful, accepted and happy being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself)

May you find grace, joy and contentment and may you learn to love yourself so that you can love others fully. (is this a shoutout?)

May you be slow to anger or resent and free from guilt or shame. (ah No! THIS is the shoutout!!)

May you experience with each breath just how incredible you really are. (yes yes, I'm incredibly fat - got that one!)

May you love unconditionally. (as hard as I've tried in 2010 I doubt i'm going to get to a stage where I'm going to be loving the PM unconditionally in 2011)

May you let go of hatred or animosity towards others and instead offer compassion, understanding and acceptance. (two shoutouts in one offering from the PM... it must be christmas!)

May you experience the fullness of life, create your life daily and be who you came on this earth to be. (a brief reminder she lyving the lyfe, just in case we'd forgotten )

May you open your wings and fly……(if only you would PM... far far away.....)

Happy Christmas Fatties

2010-12-27T06:32:00.004Z

Yes, I know this is a day or two late..... I'm sorry to admit that I fell off the wagon and momentarily gained a life that took me away from super adapted kitchen (with its computer) and out into the wide world!

(I'm rather ashamed actually - even the Panty Mantis, busy as she is "lyving the lyfe" with the little one (in her belly) managed to find a few occasions to communicate with ~~random people on facebook~~ close online friends to share her joy at having Poor Orlando (obviously restrained) and her family round her)

Panic not though, this blip was short lived, I'm not sequestered safely back through my widened doors and munching on some festive lard in a bid to undo the damage!

Just a short entry today really just to offer some words of encouragement to those fatties who have struggled through Christmas with family and friends that dont understand that while a diet of 4000 calories a day is the result of Christmas excess for the non fat n jellus, this is about half the amount of calories the truly committed fat'n 'jellus person would hope to consume per day right through the year..

don't worry , you may have had a blip in the last couple of days, but just add additional lard to absolutely everything (obviously on top of your all original lard gel allocation) and you'll soon make up the energy shortfall

Just take some inspiration from Father Christmas - after all he's one of the truly original fatties of the world (though whether he's jellus and wants Orlando all to himself, I couldnt say)

Hold the Press the Mantis said something intelligent!!!!

2010-12-24T07:35:00.005Z

There! that caught your attention didnt it? - Obviously she hasnt that would be the equivalent of the earth becoming the sky but I thought it was an arresting headline :D

I couldnt decide whether to post the latest and even hotter picture of Orlando as "The Boss" or Orlando in the rain, unhappily caught yet again by those evil paparazzi looking like the model out of the timotei advert...

It probably doesnt matter which since Orlando is so much better at modelling than his "wife" that neither are exactly hard on the eye..

I have to say I've lost the will to live in relation to the Panty Mantis at the moment - i'm sure i'll manage to raise some interest once the little one (in her belly) comes along - she's bound to do something stupid ....

Cover Girl

2010-12-22T06:24:00.002Z

I though you would all like to see the cover shot of me on the Lard information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" - dont I look pretty!!

A Hot Boss

2010-12-19T06:32:00.003Z

Its not often you can say those two words in the same sentence... but when it comes to OB's Boss adverts you certainly can!and yet again Orlando shows how much better he is at modelling than his "wife"

A Truly international Treashureing!

2010-12-19T06:20:00.005Z

Oh what an auspicious day! I thought the sight of Orlando looking hawt in his Hugo Boss advert would be the pinnacle of this weekend but I hadnt banked on the Panty Mantis..

Not content with the international success of Treashure Ureself and the fact that ~~by some miracle unexplained to man~~ Vogue decided to add it to their best sellers list (actually that is fairly easily explained - Vogue got the breaking news about Baby Bloom and I imagine their decision to add it to the best sellers list was part of the deal, but thats probably just my F and J mind).

We are, this morning, privy to information that the Panty Mantis has set about translating Treashure UReself into other languages, starting (of course) with Dingoese.

Panty Mantis, firstly may I offer my services for this happy task? I am actually pretty fluent in Dingoese and also fairly competent in French and German. My Russian is very basic but I'm sure if you ask Orlando he should have some Russian contacts that can assist you with that.

OF course, as Treashure Ureself's chief competitor Pleasure Ureself will also shortly be being released in 9 different languages. We too are on the best sellers list of the Lard Information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" (in fact I'm going to be doing a cover shoot - but more on that anon) and I think I would be depriving the world of one of its brightest ornaments if I didnt make it more universally accessible....

Has Anyone seen my Dress?

2010-12-18T06:39:00.002Z

Oh Dear oh dear.... the poor panty mantis, my heart goes out to her - still no sign of her lost luggage or her dress she had flown in for her "surprise wedding" - shame on you American Airlines! Must you really have a form completed with meaningless details before you start looking? Don't you know you are dealing with?

Look, she's really upset:

(From her FB) Thank you so much hon, I will definitely contact them. No sign of my bag or dress, but nevermind, let's hope it will turn up xxx Miranda

I hope she appreciates my help on this enough to help me with another small query I have..... this is also an extract from her FB (courteously provided by the girls at Delphi)

" Honey, did you mean the baby was actually having his hair coloured at a salon or something?
you what now? a baby having its hair coloured at a hair salon? I'm highly confused.com

I would never colour my hair while pregnant good good and if I do colour my hair I try to ensure it is as natural and as healthy as possible
hang on so you dont do and if you do it its completely (and unsurprisingly) natural - my head hurts! lots of love Miranda xxx

Can't be a**ed

2010-12-16T12:25:00.003Z

I was going to follow on from Orlando's Christmas joke to us all with an update on what the Panty Mantis has been polluting the atmosphere with recently on her blog....

I could of picked out the fact she's now posted up a link to her "homemade" granola topped with Goat..... or the fact that her product range has finally got its Eco-Cert months after she first said it had...... or that one of her team has some fabulous advice about how fathers change when their other halves get pregnant (In case you are wondering , strangely ORlando does not seem to be fitting into this profile very well...)

but actually, I cant be bothered to summon enough enthusiasm to do it today...

instead I'm going to settle in under my Duvet, in my specially adapted kitchen and consume ten tubs of lard....

At least Orlando knows how to get a reaction!

Dear Orlando,

2010-12-16T06:25:00.006Z

I know that you and I havent always seen eye to eye on some of your choices in life - If I'm honest I would have much preferred that had done An Education, I can't help feeling that that was the start of your decent into "the wife from hell" scenario that you now find yourself in.

The whole subject of your choice of pap mate is one that causes me great pain both visually and orally. She is akin to a embodied and visual version of the bubonic plague of our times.

The thing that gets me the most though on this occasion, and its neither your career or your "private" life, is your choice of clothing:

Dressed up - generally no problem, in fact I'd go as far to as to say that you can look extremely debonair when you try
Hanging out in shops - slightly too much green t-shirt, but we've been there and we've got through that crisis

Why oh why then have you decided to do THIS to me....

What are those things covering your upper leg - do they even sell them on planet earth?

I've got no problem with your skinny guy legs but those shorts are hurting my eyes more than the sight of your wife idiotically grinning and trying to form comprehensible sentences. I seem to not even be able to register that you took a slash at the side of the road and the photos of that are now circulating the globe...

nothing you have ever done in your entire life offends me more than those shorts....

Ive nothing more to say to you right now, i hope you will reflect on what you've done

Yours, in horror
Slap

Just when you thought I'd forgotten!

2010-12-15T06:12:00.003Z

I happened on the Whora Blog again and guess what i found? The antithesis of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus advice on building yourself up to ensure you are a true fatty....

Having read through the offering here - I think we can turn this advice back round to something useful though, after all they seem to feel little need to reinvent the wheel and I am off the same mind:

Do you find yourself saying that you will only like yourself when you reach that perfect weight? Studies show that you need plenty of confidence in yourself in order to successfully gain weight. This is because you need to trust that you’ll stick with an eating and exercise plan; without this belief you’ll end up saying, “What’s the use?” and give up. Unless you like yourself, it’s impossible to have any trust, faith, or confidence in yourself.

You see, that was easy, I only needed to change one word to make that work for the community of fat'n'jellus people.... As you guessed, there are also some positive affirmations to help you on your way - so I thought I'd give you my "take" on them

I feel good about who I am
i have put a hell of a lot of effort into being fat'n'jellus and am proud of my success
I am a lovable person, and others are attracted to me
I am fabulously fat and know of many places where the people only like you if you are enormous
I achieve success in whatever I do
my ever-growing bulk is confirmation of how successful I am being
I deserve happiness
I deserve that extra tub of lard
I have the right to change my life to suit my personal needs
I am all wise and all knowing and excellent at consuming lard
I choose to make myself happy
I choose to make myself fat and as jellus as possible
Today, I’m taking steps towards a happier life
Today, I'm taking steps towards a fat and jellus life
I love myself
I love being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself

there you go guys, I hope you found that helpful
xxx

Its snowing thick and fast

2010-12-13T06:33:00.002Z

I think its lovely how the Panty Mantis has chosen to get into season spirit by "snowing" us with paparazzi shots! She may look like a grinning nincompoop in all of them but thats a small sacrifice one has to pay for the pleasure of being innundated with photographs of her lyvinge the lyfe...

To be honest they all look the same to me - same idiotic grin, same geographical position in relation to Orlando, same outfit on the pair of them...

More interestingly there a Video has surfaced of OB on the set of the 3 Musketeers..... apparently that Hairdo is a Pompadour hairdo?!?!?!?

Well, what ever that is I'm taking it that that means Biiiiig Hair - to be honest I'd call it more of an afro ..... but what would I know!

(video is here btw - he looks like he's having fun!)

Not Again!

2010-12-12T07:35:00.004Z

Seriously... exactly how many shots do we need in one week of one or both of our "happy" couple out and about? In this instalment Orlando is back (and brandishing that Green T-shirt again) stopping those evul paparazzi from snapping the Mantis' little one (in her belly)

To be honest both of them need to practice some new moves. Orlando's sole reaction to paparazzi at the moment seems to be putting his hand over her ginormous belly and trying to look protective.... mind you, it must be hard to come up with a different reaction when you are doing a new shoot pretty much every day and you have to take into account the material he's working with!

Lets be honest! Her modus operandi in front of those evul paparazzi hasnt changed for years - that happy idiotic grin when she seems them (where you can almost hear her voice going "yeeeewheeeew paparazzie eye'm hear againe" ) is firmly in place whether or not she has a little one (in her belly)

Actually I'm probably being unecessarily hard on them both - maybe she just has the worst case of Wind known to man and Orlando keeps on touching her stomach in a vain attempt to get her to release her gas before she gets into the car and asphyxiates him...

Yes that must be it! and it would explain why poor OB seems to do the same move whenever they are out doing together at the moment...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Poor sod!

(oh and OB I've started up my green shirt tracker again - lets not go back to what happened last time that one was out and about ...)

It really is a Pappy Christmas

2010-12-10T16:43:00.003Z

Though thankfully the latest round of set ups only has Orlando in them and not our preggers Mantis... i imagine Orlando's ability to perform stunts would be seriously compromised with that on the back of his bike!

The mean buggers at X17 wont let me post the pictures so the link is here and the pretty is by way of an alternative

Excitingly (and also as R pointed out probably the reason for the profusion of paparazzi photos in the last few days) Orlando is also rumored to be reprising his Leggy Role

i dont think I'm quite in a minority of one on this one (though the reception has not been universally overwhelming) but for me its a big case of woooooohooooooooo!

(I was far more focused on Viggo in the first three, I'm hoping I can refocus for this one :D)

What REALLY happened at the Staples Centre

2010-12-09T06:31:00.003Z

PANTY MANTIS: coooeeeee! eyem hear freindz, doynt eye looke lovelee! Eye'm notte sure whate Orlandoe is laffinge aboute butte nevah minde, for once he lookes lyke hes havinge fun while eye'm arounde

ORLANDO:Oh God Baste, I think I'm finally loosing it - how much longer do I have to be in the same airspace as her. Look! My brains so shot to shit that I can't do my jacket up and I keep bursting out with bouts of uncontrollable hysteria!

SEBASTIAN: Dude! Pull yourself together. If you're going to have a breakdown the Staples Centre Car Park is not the place for it. If its got to the stage where you cant even get your jumper done up we really do have a problem.... (thinks: Oh god, my poor poor cousin, I need to get him some help and fast)

OTHER GUYS: OK so Orlando Bloom is laughing, do you think its now that his 'wife's' going to get her titties out?

Finally! Proof...

2010-12-08T09:05:00.004Z

... proof that the panty mantis has done something nasty to Orlando's man globes, Just look at the way he's sitting on his bike with his yoga mat and tell me a guy could do that with his bollocks intact and in the correct position on his physique?

In more work related news rumour has it that the Good Doctor isn't listed at Sundance this year. Thats a shame..... thats one of the last times in recent living memory that I recall OB looking relaxed and happy. I wonder if this one will make the light of day - its another OB Film that I liked the sound of....

Pappy Christmas Everyone

2010-12-07T09:00:00.005Z

After weeks of successful hiding out safely away from those pesky paparazzi - our happy couple have sadly had their privacy invaded yet again by those evul paps..

Luckily the paparazzi haven't yet managed to excercise their dastardly plan to photograph Orlando and the Panty Mantis away from their standard scenarios of either sitting at a cafe or involving Orlando's motorbike. God forbid they get caught out in a different scenario, I think we'd all die of shock!

with the imminent arrival of the "chosen one", I bet it will be a Pappy Christmas for Dr and Mrs Panty mantis....

Still one can hold on the vain hope that Orlando will get his balls back in his Christmas Stocking along with the Mantis' Little one (in her belly)

Book the Mantis!

2010-12-04T22:52:00.003Z

I knew Live in my skin was good but I didnt realise that that it was going to give the means to book our panty mantis for various parties and product launches for future products from the ensurient corpulence range..

apparently its really really easy! All you have to do is click here

They even have a full biography to give YOU ideas on how you can use the Panty Mantis at your corporate event too - lets take a look shall we?

One of the leading celebrity booking agencies and celebrity marketing agencies in the country, CelebrityTalentPromotions provides information about the Panty Mantis' accomplishments (by this I imagine they mean getting nekkid?), achievements (????), corporate appearances (ah yes with you again: her many pap shots with designer clothing and handbag), endorsements deals and booking fees.

We assist corporations in finding the Panty Mantis' agent and business manager, contacting the Panty Mantis' management company, assistant, PR Firm and publicist, booking Panty Mantis speaker appearances (what exactly is she going to speak about? elementary dingoese? the hard life of being a model? her white ball of light?), personal appearances, view past Panty Mantis speaking engagements (you see, even they are impressed she can string a sentence together, all be it in dingoese), hiring the Panty Mantis for endorsements, book the Panty Mantis for autograph signings (I just knew those "fans" didnt turn up of their own accord), and hire the Panty Mantis for speaking engagements.

We are a celebrity booking agency that also hires the Panty Mantis for corporate event appearances, as a keynote presenter for speaking engagements (bahaahaahahaaha), celebrity golf tournaments (tarts and Vicar parties, fantasy smurf get togethers), being a special guest host (Oh yes she's specul alright!), tradeshows, conventions (hoorah, she can next fat 'n' Jellus convention), store grand openings, event hosting, licensing deals, product endorsements, print advertising and television commercials. Our booking agents specialize in finding the fees, price and costs to hire the Panty Mantis for your next event

I wonder how much it costs to get her to be the "face" of our "All Original Lard Gel"?

True luuuuuurve!

2010-12-03T18:17:00.004Z

Oh No! those evul paps have "caught" our happy couple trying to have a private lunch together..... arent they just the pikture of true luuuuuuurve. Orlando looks positively ecstatic!

and just for any caveys that might be lurking.... yes yes, fat... jellus..... orlandoe to ourselves - but here is a lovely shot of us all at our last get together, just for you!

Rocking it?

2010-12-01T08:16:00.006Z

I'm afraid there are no prizes for guessing why yesterday was a great day for having a pap set up..... with the VS show on air this week it stands to reason that our Mantis needs to do something to maintain focus on the new arrival..

Our poor hounded couple were unluckily "caught out" by those evul paparazzi coming out of a rock concert in LA. It seems that in addition to getting a rounded belly to show off in that see-thru travel dress/top she is also getting some of the other side effects of pregnancy...

PM: Orlandoe eye thinke eye neede to brake wynde, canne yew slowe downe a bitte?
OB: What did you say? (oh f**k i know that expression - pap guys, you might want to run for cover)

OB: Ok guys run for your lives! I have a protective nasal salve so I'll hold her here while you escape.
PM: Orlandoe! Whatte the fucke du yew thinke yew ahr doinge, yew arh sendinge awaye mye friendzs befour theye have hadde a chanse to tayke mye pickture!

OB: I'll tell you something for nothing - this salve is not all its cracked up to be!

Where to start!

2010-11-30T07:31:00.002Z

whenever I start of a post and realise there is just too much material its normally relating to the Panty Mantis. She seems to have projectile explosions of "Me Me Me" at regular intervals (and normally timed with some event or other she wishes to distract people from). Today is no exception!

So, where to start..

Well, for one she's started writing poetry - I was going to do a spoof of this but I just couldnt bring myself to lavish the time on it, so instead you can enjoy it in all its unadulterated glory here!. I suppose its impressive she got someone to translate it out of her native tongue!

Then, as W kindly pointed out, there seems to be a slight discrepancy on the popularity of Treashure Ureself. Earlier this week Oz Vogue reported it as being in their top 10 list of bestsellers. I thought that was slightly strange at the time given there are only meant to be 2000 copies, and it appears that amazon agrees with me. They have it ranked 1,914,100 AND its been tagged under Urban Fiction.

As if that wasnt enough the Mantis is back and resident on her facebook "sharing" away - I'm sorry PM, as funny as your comments are on there (and I am impressed that you can type with your bump too) Live in my Skin is funnier...

The PM writes again...

2010-11-28T07:56:00.004Z

I was wondering why she'd been so quiet - I presumed she was cooking up some publicity stunt to time with the VS christmas show but it seems she still found time to communicate with the jellus ones....

Deare lusinder
eye amme notte impressede at alle withe yur booke, eye ordereded a copie in the ende tew see whate itte whatte the fusse was alle aboute and eye thinke its disgustinge .

Whye yew are alle so proude offe beinge fatte ande jellus cowz is beyonde mee. Do yew thinke that Orlandoe lykes fatties orre somthinge - yew are wronge! pluse mye booke is nowe on the beste sellars liste withe vogue - eye tolde theme eye wouldnte lette them have anyee more nekkid piktures offe me iffe they didnte haw haw haw...

Aktually eye wante to aske youre advice thoughe on orlandoe he's beinge a bitte stragne. Eye "loste" mye clothes againe inne the name of arte thinkinge thayte he woulde fancie a bitte of seksy tyme ande he started cryinge - eye couldnte make outte what he waz sayinge bute itte sounded lyke "pleese kille me nowe, eye kante tayke aneemore".

odde righte? eye knowe he lykes nekkid wimin because he keepes onne goinge to strip clubbes withe his friendz butte when eye do itte he lookes sui..... sui...... (fuk itte) lyke hed rather bee deade.... eye evene didde thate seksy danse eye dide duringe the shoote for hym butte thayt juste made himme crye even moree.

Whate do yew thinke - I knowe yew havve no lyfe so youe will have plentie offe tyme to thinke of whats wronge...

and destroye youre boooke nowe - eye donte lyke thinges withe lottes of wordzs...

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

2010-11-27T07:27:00.005Z

Part 8: Post Thanksgiving Advice

Although Thanksgiving is not something we brits do, As we have a large american readership here on TSO, I thought I'd give some critical advice for you now the day of feasting has passed.

In fact this advice is useful after any bout of excess..

Overeaten over Thanksgiving? More stuffed than the turkey? Inunndated with LBD diets and advice on how to juice everything in sight? Put the magazines down - remember you are fat n jellus and the word "Diet" does not apply to you!

In fact if you are on the Pleasure Ureself plan is that on a feast day you probably havent eaten enough. Its a bit like being at a restaurant, you feel slightly worried about pulling out the maxi pack of All original Lard gel out of your maxi bag to add to your repast and so you miss out on some vital calories.

The trick is not to panic - there are many options available to the cunning fat'n'jellus person. Perhaps you could pop to the loo to consume a couple of tubs in private - providing you dont take too long, no-one will be any the wiser. Or you could pretend you left something in the car and stuff a tub or two down in the carpark. There are numerous options in any situation that will keep your fat n jellus technique a holy mystery and keep the weight piling on."

Sound advice that I hope you will find practical over the festive season!

The Phan Police

2010-11-26T06:53:00.003Z

I think you'd have to be pretty blind or pretty stupid not to have notice that the arena of support for Orlando (or not as you like) is a pretty polarised place.

One the one hand you have the fat and Jellus (like me) who obviously have sad little lives which are spent eating, being jellus of the Panty Mantis and wanting Orlando all to myself and then you get those who feel that true love has never had a defnition like it does now and the little one (in her belly) is akin to the second coming. There is a shady third category of evil Bytch who doesnt actually care one way or the other but is so severely entertained by the phuckery thats been coming they cant leave it alone.

Generally this polarisation maintains its rightful place within the community but one group obviously does not seem to have gotten the message that we should be keeping our shame to ourselves..

When Heckler Spray did this post ratting on Orlando, I doubt they were planning on some of the comments that showed up (and they sound remarkably familiar to me)

"You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.”

It seems Heckler Spray were more than a little taken aback too so they did a follow up here

It seems that the cause of the Fat n Jellus is spreading outside of the Phanbase. Don't worry Heckler Spray - the rainbow and flowers brigade may not appreciate your wit but you will always be welcome in the ranks of the fat n jellus - even if your comments about Orlando were a little harsh

oh and your Tubbie and copy of Pleasure ureself is in the post!

We Three Kings

2010-11-25T07:25:00.004Z

I know I've said this before but its all gone a bit quiet on the Orlando front again - perhaps, like the holy family in Bethlehem 2000 years ago, they are at this very moment preparing for a long journey - after all, the Mantis seems to be treating the birth of the little one (in her bellie) like the second coming....

I just hope Viggo is one of the three kings... where was I? Oh yes, this mornings post !

Actually I don't have much more to add other than I hope you like the pretty sighs!

Live in my Skin .... again

2010-11-23T13:12:00.003Z

I have to hand it to the author(s) of this blog - this is one of the funniest parodies I've seen yet of our Panty Mantis - not only the posts but the characterization of the posters....

L.I.M.S - I take my hat off to you - and may I say that there probably is someone somewhere at this very moment constructing a fan page for Orlando's bodily fluids....... but its probably polite not to guess who!

A touch of Spelt...

2010-11-23T07:56:00.005Z

I think by now we all appreciate the business head the Panty Mantis has on her. Whether or not you appreciate tru luuurve when you see it, there is no denying that the Mantis has made some smart personal business decisions along the way:

The decision to drop a Certain Oz Publicists brother in favour of Orlando cant be described as anything other than sound commercial sense by a fat n jellus person such as myself.

The decision to use Orlando as the biggest publicity vehicle since Lady Godiva rode into the arena claiming she had simply nothing to wear can only be thought of as good business sense.

The decision to ~~Trap~~ have a little one (in her belly) and encourage the matrimonial processes along could almost be described as machiavelian.

So the whole Kora / Treashure ureself thing is perhaps slightly lower than the usual high standards one has come to expect of Team Mantis but her decision to go start up a line of products that both tick the organic box whilst contributing to the fat n jellus fraternity is pure business gold.

(Thanks to W for linking me up!)

Live in my skin

2010-11-21T06:44:00.007Z

Thanks to Bella we have a new and crowned queen of the Tubbies. This is pure quality - congratulations anomers you have won

*drum roll*

The Best Overall Snarktastic Contender Tubby for 2010

Allow me to recommend LIve in my skin :

and share a few choice extracts with you

On daily routine:

Hey guys! People were asking me about what I eat to keep this wonderful figure so I thought Id post up my daily diet for you guys as well as my daily routine so you guys can live like me – live in my skin. Enjoy.

Wake up at 4.30am. Check social networking sites. Brush teeth. Lick mirror (10 calories). Recite 10 affirmations to myself. No shower as the water makes you weigh more. Brush hair. Kiss Frankie. Consume flea (5 calories). Weigh self. Prepare breakfast.

and this

Shout at Orlando (-200 cals). Check social networking sites. Buff/paint nails. Nap. Weight self. Prepare dinner.

Replying to her guests:

Thanks for asking Ghandi hon. The little one is doing amazing. Kicking and moving, my back is killing me but I guess it doesnt help sticking my arse out all the time. Love Therese xxx

Congratulations Live in my Skin - we at TSO salute you!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

2010-11-20T07:28:00.004Z

Part 7: Overstepping the mark

By now you must all be making excellent progress towards your goals of being completely Fat n Jellus. The long hours of munching away and looking at pre-mantis photos of Orlando are starting to pay off, but how do you know when you have reached your goal weight and need to move to a maintenance diet?

I would be being an irresponsible author if I didnt say that whilst being incredibly fat and jellus is obviously the goal, there are levels you could take it to which would start to endanger your health.

Generally speaking, if you have to ring your local authorities to airlift you out of the house every time you want to go out, you've probably gone just that bit too far. Other warning signs are when you fingers get to fat to type even on your specially adapted fatty keyboard - this is not only a health warning but practically difficult: How are you going to contribute to the worldwide fat n jellus community if you are no longer able to use even an adapted computer?

Luckily the remedy is pretty easy - I would recommend a day or two of the Delphi Diet. (for those not in the know this involves looking at and hearing the Panty Mantis in action, a few moments of her jiggling her bits around is usually enough to cause projectile vomiting, if that doesnt work, try turning the sound up and listening to her voice too)

WARNING: DO NOT USE THE DELPHI DIET FOR MORE THAN A DAY IN ANY THREE MONTH PERIOD, EVIDENCE SUGGESTS IT ALSO DOES PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE BRAIN

Whose the Nobb?

2010-11-20T07:20:00.003Z

Apparently its not Orlando (or is depending on how you read it).

Rumours (from that gospel of truth Twitter) have surfaced that Orlando has pulled out of the production and has been replaced by a remarkably similar looking actor by the name of Aaron Johnson. Whats even more of a shame is the lack of surprise this has caused, i think most people still interested have become surprised more when a movie is completed than the other way round!

I hope this isn't true, but given previous form and the tight grip the Panty Mantis has on his balls at the moment it wouldn't surprise me.

Obviously having your balls in the clutches of an expectant mantis is a full time occupation after all...

Commiserations to the Panty Mantis

2010-11-18T07:36:00.004Z

Dear Panty Mantis,

Can i offer you my condolences, I know you have Orlando all to yourself but still, it must be hard when news breaks globally about the marriage of someone you had once had on your "lyste offe riche menne thayte eye canne targette".

I imagine there is the pain of an opportunity missed; the knowledge that that opportunity has effortlessly circulated round the globe and the realisation that unlike yours, the husband looks overjoyed in the interview he gave, the wedding will be large and well attended by both families and the wedding dress is highly unlikely to be lost by American Airlines...

Dont worry panty mantis, one off the list doesnt mean there arent others out there for when Orlando finally free's his bollocks from your grasping clutches... If you'd like some help in identifying someone new from the list, please let me know...

and I'm sure you will join me in offering hearty congratulations to Wills and Kate!

Slapparr x

PS I know I'm fat n jellus but that doesnt preclude me from being excited about a royal wedding, in case you were wondering

The expression of overwhelming joy?

2010-11-17T11:33:00.004Z

I wasn't going to post anything today - i'm in the process of preparing a little spelt special for you all...

But I couldnt resist the above. The exact moment at which Orlando is faced with nekkid picture of his "wife". Doesnt he look ecstatic? Isn't he expressing the joy and pride he articulates a few seconds later....

Or is the look closer to that of a french aristocrat two seconds before the guillotine strikes..

The whole sequence is quite special in fact... you can see it here but I should warn you, there is copious exposure of the pregnant mantis in her natural state ..... nekkid!

Your call ladies and gentlemen!

A Bronze Mantis

2010-11-16T05:32:00.003Z

It was only a matter of time before our panty mantis pea sized brain cottoned on to the benefits of having a bronze of her bump done, lets face it - lots of actual celebrities have done it before; a bit like reinventing the wheel, but a bronze bump......

Think of the advantages:

1) She could get her photo on it on the front of not only celeb magazines (by mentioning Orlando obviously) but she could also get it on the cover of Sculpture Magazine and other similar publications as a work of art.

2) She could use it to carry round the vat load of Noni juice she must be drinking by now to keep herself going.

3) She could carry round her own personal supply of spelt wherever she goes.

4) She could use it to keep hold of Orlando's balls - its probably a bit better at keeping them undamaged than their current resting place of her handbag.

5) When the mini mantis is born she doesnt have to shell out on a crib - she can wack some Kora wrapping in to her bronze bump and make it a bed in there.

6) Finally and most importantly - there is a small chance that Orlando might show some genuine interest in a sculpture of the baby (in her belly) - after all he's always said its something he loves!

Bytch Please!

2010-11-15T19:12:00.002Z

"I might about to get my balls put back in your blender, and I KNOW I'm about to be in-lawed to the max, but in this space and this time .. I'm still my own man, goddam it! ... at least until I get in the car, anyway!""

Tub o Lard Awards

2010-11-15T09:10:00.002Z

Thanks for all your suggestions for Tubbies so far - I've been dishing out awards or runners up medals as they come in.

But today as very special award is given to the Mantis' granny. Although perhaps not the most obvious choice for a coveted Tubbie some of her lines in the recent interview the Mantis did makes her highly deserving in my opinion! Not least for her real reaction to the Panty Mantis' nicker modelling gig

Congratulations Granny Mantis! Today the Tubbie goes to you!

I burned my eye sockets out a little further this morning to watch a bit more of this - actually what a fantastic interview - between granny and the interview there really are some priceless moments in there. I particularly enjoyed the opening lines when the interviewer obviously doesnt give our mantis enough praise so she doles some out to herself, and of course anything granny said ....

End of Intermission

2010-11-14T11:51:00.004Z

Sadly our few days of news where Orlando was more prevalent than his Mantis seem to be over. This morning I have been deluged with what seems like an entire dung heap of Mantis Drivel.

We can start with Orlando and his words of joy / suicidal expresssioned interview.... I have to hand it to the Bambi interviewer - they spent an awful lot of time flashing the mantis boobies but it was that classic moment when the asked Orlando how he felt about it all and he came out with some stock answer and looked completely embarrassed - poor sod! Not for the first time recently I really felt for him.. Still he looked a lot happier attending his cousins screening of his new enviro flick (above)! Enjoy it while you can OB, we all heard the enthusiasm in your voice when you were describing Christmas with your inlaws .....

But enough of that, let us move on to the Mantis appearance on an Oz TV show. The thing that tickled me in the small part I could actually stomach watching was that obviously the interviewer wasn't quite appreciating the Mantis' success enough for her, to the extent that her second or third response effectively involved telling him how well she'd done. Sadly that was the highlight, it started on a low point and went downhill from there in my opinion, but thats probably because i am one of the fat and jellus..

Then of course we have the written media coverage of our favourite Earth mother. I don't know about you but i was very glad to hear that she will be "present" for the birth ( it could get a bit messy if she wasn't there), some fabulous advice about lifestyle and the immortal lines that unlike us fat n jellus cowz she doesnt come home after a stressful day and reach for the Châteauneuf-du-Pape 2007 and the TV remote. Instead she (and apparently poor old OB too) get to meditate and do power yoga... no wonder Orlando is looking a tad rough round the edges, I just hope he gets plenty of slobbing in when he's away from home...

Isn't it interesting how she reveals all about her pregnancy right when the VS shows are in the press... i'm sure thats just a coincidence though, after all, we ALL know how private she is.....

Orlando goes green (again)

2010-11-13T08:16:00.002Z

When I woke up this morning to find yet more news of Orlando I couldnt quite believe my eyes - We go for months with the net being saturated with pictures of his "wife" demonstrating how much she HATES getting nekkid, enlisting her FB supporters to assist her and inflicting her view of Treashureing ureself on an unsuspecting public and then suddenly Orlando springs back into action to save our eyes and our brains.

Perhaps he feels we all need a bit of a helping hand in the wanting Orlando all to ourselves category? (If so we probably better not point out to him that most people on here find past 2007 a bit of a challenge)

Anyway, on to the news of the day! Having done a quick switch to Barcelona and collected his Bambi he was photographed yesterday with Sebastian at the Cinema for Peace Green Evening in Berlin. To me they both look good (though I have to say the pair of them are looking a lot more alike than once they did) - the only slight question I have is why OB signed his signature off with 2011 underneath it, last time I checked we were still in 2010..... maybe he thinks if he jumps on a year somehow his pet mantis and her ball klamper will magically dissappear

In other more exciting news C came up with a new short name for the Tub o Lard awards which I think is more media friendly (thanks) So from now on the Tub o Lard awards will be called The Tubbies! Remember, if you come across a deserving candidate for a Tubbie, just let me know!

And the next TOL award goes to......

2010-11-12T16:50:00.004Z

*Drum Roll....*

Flyer talk

for their suitable snarktastic account of (you've guessed it) the Panty Mantis' missing wedding dress. I wonder if the hullabaloo over this dress is down to peoples strong feeling that if she had it back she might be more tempted to wear clothes more generally...

And congratulations to the commenters on Flyer Talk too - I am quite happy to send out our fabulous Runner up medals to the relevant posters...

The "Tub o Lard" Award

2010-11-12T15:48:00.003Z

I have truly exciting news for you today. With awards season starting up I decided to institute a brand new TSO award for people outside of the inner circle of fat jellus haterdom who show particular talent through words, writing and any other media to hand for demonstrating a fat n jellus tendency..

Without further ado the first and highly coverted TSO "Tub o lard" or TOL award goes to..

*drum roll*

Windsorstar.com for their illuminating take on the lost wedding dress:

"Days like this make you glad you're not in public relations for American Airlines: Celebrity model Miranda Kerr is upset because, she says, American lost her luggage, including the antique dress in which she got married to Orlando Bloom last July. Did I mention that she's pregnant? Now Miranda has asked her 369,000 Facebook followers for advice: "Has anyone else experienced losing luggage through American Airlines and if so did you ever late it again? Any help would be greatly appreciated." I imagine "late it" is supposed to be "recover it." The poor pregnant darling is obviously too upset to be coherent. AA's response so far: they asked her to fill in a form. She's 27.

Congratulations Windsorstar - Your award is in the mail to you

If you feel there are any other worthy candidates for this prestigious award, please do feel free to get in touch!

Bambi

2010-11-12T09:21:00.006Z

no, I'm not talking about Orlando's eyes..... I'm talking about an award he flew in to get in Germany. He's looking pretty good here and its nice to see him with an award in his hot little hands, reminds me of the golden years!

I havent seen his acceptance speech but judging by the gesticulations and expressions he was making, I'm assuming he was illuminating the gathered press and public with his thoughts on his wife's ability to get nekkid:

"Of course my wife showing her boobies and bump to the world at large could be seen to be rather far removed from our wish to become private, but she is a very private person"

"In fact i find avoidance and drinking copious amounts of alcohol about the only way of coping with her private ways.... (shit did i say that out loud)"

Poor guy..... but at least he seems to be enjoying himself whilst his wife is lying in so to speak and I understand she's quite happy too - spending inordinate amounts of time of Facebook trying to create a stir about nothing

Boss Man Bloom

2010-11-11T08:54:00.003Z

Hoorah, I can actually start this post of with something Orlando related - He's starting to crank up a gear in preparation for his role Pimping Hugo Boss Orange!

As I've said before I do like his modelling and I'm looking forward to seeing another big campaign with him in, but I hope the above photo isnt going to be the style of the ads... To me it makes him look camper than Christmas at Butlins and I'm not sure that look is going to sell MAN's fragrance to MEN! Still at least when OB says he has a high profile campaign thats what you get - unlike others I could mention

Talking of whom, our Panty Mantis seems to have gone into overdrive.... you remember that dress thats been AWOL for 4 months, you know - the one that she went on facebook to enlist the help of the masses in locating.... the one that she didnt actually use any official chanels to locate at all.... Well I have to hand it to her! She's great at using any situation to her advantage - apparently the designer will replace her dress for her at no cost - way to go Panty Mantis!

Still at least we know why all this has suddenly kicked off now - VS have just finished shooting their latest show - the PM has obviously thought if she can get some nekkid photos out there of her she'll be contributing in spirit if nothing else...

Home alone Mantis

2010-11-10T06:33:00.004Z

With Orlando looking rather bemused and super svelte in Barcelona, (above from here) the Mantis has been left to her own devices again... Believe me, that is NEVER a good thing. Long experience of being a fat and jellus cow has taught me that left to her own devices, and without Orlando's sobering influence on her scheming, she's likely to come up with not so cunning plans rather swiftly..

Where to start?

Well for one her latest nekkid shoot was apparently in shot in Paris when she was there stomping down the catwalk like an underdressed turtle for Balenciaga - the problem I have with it is that the bump seems to be a completely different size. Maybe seeing as how she's so stunninge she has the equivalent of a dimmer switch attached to make it grow or shrink at her convenience?

Rumours seem to have resurfaced of Wedding mark II in australia - I REALLY hope this one is for real, I have lots of advice to offer and I still have the original wedding team ready to go

The final titbit out there this morning has made me laugh the most. I think we all know about the challenges the Mantis faces in stringing a sentence together well it seems she is unable to count too. The baby (in her bellie) is apparently going to gestate for anything between 7 and 12 months (depending on what you believe)... If its the latter at least it explains why she took so long to look preggers in the beginning....

I Knew It!

2010-11-09T17:13:00.002Z

I knew that the Panty Mantis hated getting nekkid: When I read all that hurt and upset over nekkid photos of her when she was younger (you know, those ones that she sold the rights to but didnt or something like that ) I thought poor exploited girl...

Then of course there was her getting nekkid for a good cause with her koalas and her chains - that doesnt count of course its being nekkid in good spirit

And that evul perve Richardson who shot nekkid shots that also so upset her - I though poor poor taken advantage of Panty mantis..

So I wonder what possible explanation I can come up with to explain away the latest bout of nekkidness (if you are a braver person than I you can view it here

You see, she obviously HATES being Nekkid.... unless its because she wants to get famous, is supporting a good cause, is part of a pirelli shoot or is out to prove that she's the moste stunnigne and gawguss supamodell in teh worle evah (Copyrite: Joders)

Orlando must be so proud.....

(yes i know: Fat... Jellus..... O to myself AND unable to appreciate pure nekkid beauty when i see it :D)

Has anyone see my dress?

2010-11-09T05:24:00.003Z

Perhaps not the most groundbreaking of cries from the Panty Mantis; after all she seems to have difficulty locating her clothes every time a camera is pointed in her direction so in one sense it stands to reason that she was going to loose her entire outfit at some point! But this is a serious issue..

I'm very sorry to report that the Panty Mantis has had her luggage stolen and not just any luggage, the luggage with her dress that she ~~trapped~~ married OB in...... so (sadly) she wont be able to wear it when she celebrates with all her friends in australia that they got married. (psst Joders, Wanda, Mayor of Gunnedah - I think we could be back on with the wedding again... I'll keep you posted...)

Even better, she is also asking for "brutally honest feedback" on Treashure ureself so I thought, being the lovely fatty I am, that I'd help out. From her facebook:

"I love the posts from people who have been reading my book. I want you to be brutally honest with me in your reviews, that way I can ensure when I write the next one that I understand what you want.

OK PM I can be brutally honest seeing as you asked:

You're WRITING the next one?????? well thats progress if ever I saw it!

There are rumours through that gospel of truth twitter that OB is back in the UK - lets hope so - what with the threat of having to repeat the most traumatic day of his life with his inlaws and the breaking news that his "wife" is still labouring under the illusion that she can string a sentence together, he probably needs somewhere to hide out right now!

More from the Panty Mantis

2010-11-08T10:39:00.003Z

Sadly this time no personal communication - I Dunno ...perhaps she's grown less fond of me recently or perhaps she's starting to realise that Pleasure Ureself is a viable competitor to her offering...

Happily though she's still giving us snippets from her mastepiece to consider (and thanks to R for linking this one up!)

"Whenever I am feeling tired or maybe a little sorry for myself I make a mental note of all the things I have to be grateful for.

Blimey - I think hell has frozen over - is she actually saying her life is not all rainbows and Blooms

Gratitude helps me when I am on a swimwear shoot and it’s snowing; or when I’m getting up at 4am for work.

Ah no - phew - its just the "hard" life of a model thats getting her down - she's missed getting the glitter in her toes out of that list

I remind myself that everything I do is moving me towards my goals. Being grateful gives me an immediate boost of energy and brings me back to the moment……

I thought she'd already achieved her lifes ambition..... Poor Orlando - all that only to find she's got more to achieve...

Simply being grateful can change your whole perspective on life. If ever I am having a bad day or if things aren’t going quite to plan and I feel like giving up on my dreams, I take a step outside my world and then I get to see just how lucky I am.

yes yes we know we're all so jellus of your fabulous life PM

I encourage you to do that. Next time you are feeling down, take a trip to the mall, a homeless shelter or a children’s hospital and take a look around.

Interesting advice from someone that seems to only take advantage of this type of lesson in life when a camera is trained on her and her PR Machine is waiting to swing into action in the wings...

When we take time to acknowledge everything around us, we get to appreciate just how lucky we really are….

Here is an affirmation from Louise Hay, say this to yourself morning and night:

“I am grateful for each day”.

Well that's original..... I wonder what her take is

Here is my take on this affirmation:

“I am grateful for who I am and who I am not.
oh man, I'm really having to sit on my fingers not to type a real translation of that one

I am grateful for the life I have been given and for all that I have and all that I don’t have.

Ok I can't contain myself: So she's grateful that she has Orlando all to herself and that she's not fat n jellus like us - we get the message PM....

Every breath I take is a blessing and an opportunity to fully experience the sheer joy of being alive.”

If only I felt the same way panty mantis - there would be no need for this post

Invest in a gratitude journal: every morning write down what you will be grateful for in the day and every night, write down what you have been grateful for.

OK - I can try this one

I'm grateful for being a fat n jellus cow
I'm grateful for rating sarcasm as one of the highest forms of intelligence
I'm grateful i dont plagiarise other peoples quotes without proper reference
Im grateful my "expert" is called Dr. Bob and can't say his 'w's

I always knew that Treasure ureself would be worth its weight in gold.... if it hadn't sold out i might even at the point of purchasing a copy - it strikes me it could be even funnier than the Go Fug Yourself book